Authors: David Foster Wallace
Standing on tiptoe in Subdorm B's curved hallway, using the handle of an inverted tennis racquet whose vinyl cover he can absently zip and unzip as he moves the handle around, Michael Pemulis is gently raising one of the panels in the drop-ceiling and shifting it on its aluminum strut, the panel, changing its lie on the strut from square-shaped to diamond-shaped, being careful not to let it fall.
Lyle hovers cross-legged just a couple mm. above the top of the towel dispenser in the unlit weight room, eyes rolled up white, lips barely moving and making no sound.
Coach Schtitt and Mario tear-ass downhill on W. Commonwealth on Schtitt's old BMW, bound for Evangeline's Low-Temperature Confections in Newton Center, right at the bottom of what usually gets called Heartbreak Hill, Schtitt intense-faced and leaning forward like a skier, his white scarf whipping around and whipping Mario's face, in the sidecar, as Mario too leans way forward into their downhill flight, preparing to whoop when they bottom out.
Ms. Avril Incandenza, seeming somehow to have three or four cigarettes all going at once, secures from Information the phone and e-mail #s of a journalistic business address on East Tucson AZ's Blasted Expanse Blvd., then begins to dial, using the stern of a blue felt pen to stab at the console's keys.
'AIYEE!' cries the man, rushing at the nun, wielding a power tool.
The tough-looking nun yells 'AIYEE!' right back as she kicks at him expertly, her habit's skirts whipping complexly around her. The combatants circle each other warily in the abandoned warehouse, both growling. The nun's wimple is askew and soiled; the back of her hand, held out in a bladish martial-art fist, displays part of a faded tattoo, some wicked-clawed bird of prey. The cartridge opens like this, in violent medias res, then freezes in the middle of the nun's leaping kick, and its title, Blood Sister: One Tough Nun, gets matte-dissolved in and bleeds lurid blood-colored light down into the performance credits rolling across the screen's bottom. Bridget Boone and Frances L. Unwin have come in uninvited and joined Hal in V.R. 6 and are curled up against the arms of the room's other recumbency, their feet touching at the soles, Boone eating unauthorized frozen yogurt from a cylindrical carton. Hal's turned the rheostat down low, and the film's title and credits make their faces glow redly. Bridget Boone extends the confection-carton over in Hal's direction in an inviting way, and by way of declining Hal points to the lump of Kodiak in his cheek and makes a display of leaning out to spit. He appears to be studying the scrolling credits very closely.
'So what is this?' Fran Unwin says.
Hal looks over at her very slowly, then even more slowly raises his right arm and points around the tennis ball he's squeezing at the monitor, where the cartridge's 50-point title is still trickling redly over the credits and frozen scene.
Bridget ßoone gives him a look. 'What's up your particular butt?’
'I'm isolating. I came in here to be by myself.’
She has this way that gets to Hal of digging the chocolate yogurt out with the spoon and then inverting the spoon, turning the spoon over, so that it always enters her mouth upside-down and her tongue gets to contact the confection immediately, without the mediation of cold spoon, and for some reason this has always gotten under Hal's skin.
'So then you should've locked the door.’
'Except there aren't locks on the V.R. doors,
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as you quite well know.’
Round-faced Frannie Unwin says 'Sshhh.’
Then too sometimes Boone plays with the laden spoon, makes it fly around in front of her face like a child's plane before inverting it and sticking it in. 'Maybe this is partly because this is a public room, for everybody, that your thinking person probably wouldn't choose to isolate in.’
Hal leans over to spit and lets the spit hang for a while before he lets it go, so it hangs there slowly distending.
Boone withdraws the clean spoon just as slowly. 'No matter how sullen and pouty that person is over that person's play or near-loss in full view of a whole crowd that day, I hear.’
'Bridget, I forgot to tell you I saw that Rite Aid's having an enormous clearance on emetics. If I were you I'd scoot right over.’
'You are vile.’
Bernadette Longley sticks her long boxy head in the door and sees Bridget Boone and says 'I thought I heard you in here' and comes in uninvited with Jennie Bash in tow.
Hal whimpers.
Jennie Bash looks at the large screen. The cartridge's theme-music is female-choral and very heavy and ironic on the descants. Bernadette Long-ley looks at Hal. 'You know there's a totally huge lady cruising the halls looking for you, with a notebook and a very determined expression.’
Boone banks the spoon back and forth absently. 'He's isolating. He won't respond and is spitting extra repulsively to get across the point.’
Jennie Bash says 'Haven't you got a huge paper due for Thierry tomorrow? There was moaning coming from Struck and Shaw's room.’
Hal packs chew down with his tongue. 'Done.’
'Figures,' Bridget Boone says.
'Done, redone, formatted, printed, proofed, collated, stapled.’
'Proofed to within its life,' Boone says, barrel-rolling the spoon. Hal can tell she's done a couple one-hitters. He's looking straight at the wall's screen, squeezing the ball so hard his forearm keeps swelling to twice its size.
'Plus I hear your best friend in the whole world did something really funny today,' Longley says.
'She means Pemulis,' Fran Unwin tells Hal.
Bridget Boone makes dive-bomber sounds and swoops the spoon around.
'Sounds like too good a story not to save and let my craving for it build and build until finally it's like I have to hear it or die right on the spot.’
'What is up his butt?' Jennie Bash asks Fran Unwin. Fran Unwin's a sort of hanuman-faced girl with a torso and trunk about twice as long as her legs, and a scuttly, vaguely simian style of play. Bernadette Longley wears knee-length candy-cane trousers and a sweatshirt with the fleecy inside out. All the girls are now in socks. Hal notes that girls always seem to slip out of their shoes when they assume any kind of spectatorial posture. Eight empty white sneakers now sit mute and weird at various points, slightly sunk in carpet pile. No two of the shoes face quite the same exact direction. Male players, on the other hand, tend to leave the footwear on when they come in and sit down somewhere. Girls literally embody the idea of making yourself at home. Males, when they come in somewhere and sit down, project an air of transience. Remain suited up and mobile. It's the same whenever Hal comes in and sits down someplace where people are already gathered. He's aware that they sense he's somehow there only in a very technical sense, that he's got an air of moment's-notice readiness to leave about him. Boone extends her carton of TCBY
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toward Longley in an inviting way, even tilting it invitingly back and forth. Longley puffs her cheeks and blows air out with a fatigued sound. At least three different smells of cologne and skin-cream struggle for primacy in here. Bridget Boone's free LA Gear shoes are both on their sides from the force of having been almost kicked off her feet. Hal's spit makes a sound against the bottom of the wastebasket. Jennie Bash has bigger arms than Hal. The Viewing Room is redly dim. Bash asks Unwin what they're watching.
Blood Sister: One Tough Nun, one of Himself's few commercial successes, wouldn't have made near the money it made if it hadn't come out just as InterLace was starting to purchase first-run features for its rental menus and hyping the cartridges with one-time Spontaneous Disseminations. It was the sort of sleazy-looking shocksploitation film that would have had a two-week run in multiplex theaters 8 and above and then gone right to the featureless brown boxes of magnetic-video limbo. Hal's critical take on the film is that Himself, at certain dark points when abstract theory-issues seemed to provide an escape from the far more wrenching creative work of making humanly true or entertaining cartridges, had made films in certain commercial-type genre modes that so grotesquely exaggerated the formulaic schticks of the genres that they became ironic metacinematic parodies on the genres: 'sub/inversions of the genres,' cognoscenti taken in were wont to call them. The metacinematic-parody idea itself was aloof and over-clever, to Hal's way of thinking, and he's not comfortable with the way Himself always seemed to get seduced by the very commercial formulae he was trying to invert, especially the seductive formulae of violent payback, i.e. the cathartic bloodbath, i.e. the hero trying with every will-fiber to eschew the generic world of the stick and fist and but driven by unjust circumstance back to the violence again, to the cathartic final bloodbath the audience is brought to applaud instead of mourn. Himself's best in this vein was The Night Wears a Sombrero, a Langesque metaWestern but also a really good Western, with chintzy homemade interior sets but breathtaking exteriors shot outside Tucson AZ, an ambivalent-but-finaliy-avenging-son story played out against dust-colored skies and big angles of flesh-colored mountain, plus with minimal splatter, shot men clutching their chests and falling deliciously sideways, all hats staying on at all times. Blood Sister: One Tough Nun was a supposedly ironic lampoon of the avenging-cleric splatter-films of the late B.S. '90s. Nor did Himself make any friends on either side of the Concavity, trying to shoot the thing in Canada.
Hal tries to imagine the tall slumped tremulous stork-shape of Himself inclined at an osteoporotic angle over digital editing equipment for hours on end, deleting and inserting code, arranging Blood Sister: One Tough Nun into subversive/inversion, and can't summon one shadowy idea of what Himself might have been feeling as he patiently labored. Maybe that was the point of the thing's metasilliness, to have nothing really felt going on.
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Jennie Bash has left V.R. 6's door agape, and Idris Arslanian and Todd ('Postal Weight') Possalthwaite and Kent Blott all drift in and sit Indian-style in a loose hemisphere on the thick carpet between the girls' recumbency and Hal's recumbency, and are more or less considerately quiet. They all keep their sneakers on. Postal Weight's nose is a massive proboscoid bandaged thing. Kent Blott wears a sportfisherman's cap with an extremely long bill. That queer faint smell of hot dogs that seems to follow Idris Arslanian around begins to insinuate itself into the room's colognes. He isn't wearing the rayon handkerchief as a blindfold but does have it tied around his neck; no one asks him about it. All the littler kids are consummate spectators and are sucked immediately into Blood Sister's unfolding narrative, and the older females seem to take some kind of psychic cue from the little boys and subside, too, and watch, until after a while Hal's the only person in the room who isn't 100% absorbed.
The entertainment's uptake is that a tough biker-chick-type girl from the mean streets of Toronto is found O.D.'d, beaten up, molested, and robbed of her leather jacket outside the portcullis of a downtown convent and is rescued, nursed, befriended, spiritually guided, and converted — 'saved' is the weak entendre made much of in the first act's dialogue — by a tough-looking older nun who it turns out, she reveals (the tough older nun), had herself been hauled up out of a life of Harleys, narcotics-dealing and -addiction by an even tougher even older nun, a nun who had herself been saved by a tough ex-biker nun, and so on. The latest saved biker-chick becomes a tough and street-smart nun in the same urban order, and is known on the mean streets as Blood Sister, and wimple or not still rides her Hawg from parish to parish and still knows akido and is not to be fucked with, is the word on the streets.
The motivational crux here being that almost this whole order of nuns is staffed by nuns who'd been saved from Toronto's mean, dead-end streets by other older tougher saved nuns. So, endless novenas later, Blood Sister eventually feels this transitive spiritual urge to go out and find a troubled adolescent female of her own, to 'save' and bring into the order, thereby discharging her soul's debt to the old tough nun who'd saved her. Through processes obscure (a Toronto troubled-but-savable-adolescent-girl-directory of some sort? Bridget Boone cuts wise), Blood Sister eventually takes on a burn-scarred, deeply troubled adolescent punker-type Toronto girl who is sullen and, yes, reasonably tough, but is also vulnerable and emotionally tormented (the girl's pink shiny burn-scarred face tends to writhe in misery whenever she thinks Blood Sister's not looking) by the terrible depredations she's endured as a result of her rapacious and unshakable addiction to crank cocaine, the kind you have to convert and cook up yourself, and with ether, which is highly combustible, and which people used before somebody found out baking soda and temperature-flux would do the same thing, which dates the film's B.S. time-period even more clearly than the tough tortured punk girl's violet stelliform coiffure.
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But so Blood Sister eventually gets the girl clean, by nurturing her through Withdrawal in a locked sacristy; and the girl becomes less sullen by degrees that almost have audible clicks to them — the girl stops trying to dicky the lock of the sacramental-wine cabinet, stops farting on purpose during matins and vespers, stops going up to the Trappists who hang around the convent and asking them for the time and other sly little things to try to make them slip up and speak aloud, etc. A couple times the girl's face writhes in emotional torment and vulnerability even when Blood Sister's looking. The girl gets a severe and somewhat lesbianic haircut, and her roots establish themselves as softly brown. Blood Sister, revealing biceps like nobody's business, beats the girl at arm-wrestling; they both laugh; they compare tattoos: this marks the start of a brutally drawn-out Getting-to-Know-and-Trust-You montage, a genre-convention, this montage involving Harley-rides at such speeds that the girl has to keep her hand on Blood Sister's head to keep B.S.'s wimple from flying off, and long conversational walks filmed at wide-angle, and protracted and basically unwinnable games of charades with the Trappists, plus some quick scenes of Blood Sister finding the girl's Marlboros and dildo-facsimile lighter in the wastebasket, of the girl doing chores unsullenly under B.S.'s grudgingly approving eye, of candle-lit scripture-study sessions with the girl's finger under each word she reads, of the girl carefully snipping the last bits of split violet ends from her soft brown hair, of the more senior tough nuns punching Blood Sister's shoulder approvingly as the girl's eyes start to get that impending-conversion gleam in them, then, finally, of Blood Sister and the girl habit-shopping, the girl's burned lantern jaw and hairless Promethean brow frozen in a sunlit montage-climax shot under a novitiate wimple's gull-wings — all accompanied by — no kidding — 'Getting to Know You,' which Hal imagines the Stork justified to himself as subversively saccharine. This all takes about half an hour. Bridget Boone, of the Indianapolis archdiocese, begins to declaim briefly on Blood Sister: One Tough Nun's ironic anti-Catholic subthesis — that the deformed addicted girl's 'salvation' here seemed simply the exchange of one will-obliterating 'habit' for another, substituting one sort of outlandish head-decoration for another — and gets pinched by Jennie Bash and shushed by just about everyone in the room but Hal, who could pass for asleep except for the brief lists to port over the wastebasket, to spit, and in fact is experiencing some of the radical loss of concentration that attends THC-Withdrawal and is thinking about another, even more familiar J. O. Incandenza cartridge even while he watches this one with the other E.T.A.s. This other attention-object is the late Himself's so-called 'inversion' of the corporate-politics genre, Low-Temperature Civics, an executive-suite soap opera filled with power plays, position-jockeyings, timid adulteries, martinis, and malignantly pretty female executives in elegant tight-fitting dress-for-successwear who eat their paunched and muddled male counterparts for political lunch. Hal knows that L-TC wasn't an inversion or lampoon at all, but derived right from the dark B.S. '8os period when Himself had changed careers from government service to private entreprenurism, when a sudden infusion of patent-receipts left him feeling post-carrot anhedonic and existentially unmoored, and Himself took an entire year off to drink Wild Turkey and watch broadcast-television tycoon-operas like Lorimar's Dynasty et al. in a remote spa off Canada's Northwest coast, where he supposedly met and bonded with Lyle, now of the E.T.A. weight room.