Infinite Risk (40 page)

“So … you want to break up?” Kian whispered.

Holy shit, that's taking the bit too far.

“More of a hiatus. I'm going to Long Beach to stay with my cousin for the summer, and it's better if we're both free to have fun. When I get back, we'll see. I mean, I like you, but we're not married, you know?”

“That makes sense. We're pretty young to be all serious anyway.”

“You're not mad?” She sounded anxious, so maybe this wasn't a joke.

“I'll miss you, but how can I be mad about you getting an awesome vacation?”

“See, this is why I'm into you. Well, that and your poetry.”

For a few seconds, my heart froze in my chest as I imagined him reading to her from his private book, the one only I'd been privy to before. But those memories belonged to Vonna now. I wondered if she liked the firebird poem, if it spoke to her. The last line came to me in fading echo of a past I had to let go:

It must fly or die.

“I thought girls only liked bad boys,” he murmured.

“Only the dumb ones.”

The sounds of kissing followed, and I slipped out of earshot to complete my bathroom quest. When I got back, the movie had started. Vonna and Kian were curled together in the back, so he must be okay with the summer break request.
Hell, maybe, he'll date other people too.
When he started college, he'd likely be a lot different than the person I loved.

Better. Stronger. Happier.

After the comedy Nathan chose, we pigged out on snacks Jake's housekeeper had prepared. Rather, they did. I watched with hungry eyes—not the food—but the interaction. Such a wealth of warmth and friendship filled me up, so I couldn't eat a bite. Devon came up beside me, his hip bumping mine.

“You okay?”

“Sure.”

“I hear you're leaving soon.”

“Jake told you?” Other than him, I didn't think I'd mentioned it to anyone else.

Well, Kian, of course. But even he didn't know that this was my last night. I planned to put Dwyer's coin in a safe place and just … let go when morning came.
I'm so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of begging and bargaining for just a little longer.

“Yeah. We hang out quite a bit these days. He's not nearly as much of a douche as I initially thought. I see why you dated him.”

I stifled a laugh. “Maybe
you
should give him a shot.”

Devon slid me a sideways look. “I don't think he's into my type.”

“Actually he might surprise you,” I said absently. I realized my mistake too late and bit my lip.

He gave the basketball star a long look. “Oh, really? Well, he's pretty into Tanya at the moment, but I'll keep an eye on the situation. You're not messing with me, right?”

“Definitely not, though I shouldn't have told you. It's not common knowledge.”

“Yeah, it's not okay to out someone. You're lucky I'm a pro at keeping secrets.”

When Devon smiled ruefully, I recalled how worried he'd been that people would find out his mom owned Madame Q's House of Style. These days he seemed cool with it, a sign of greater maturity. After all, most teenagers went through a period of being embarrassed by their parents for one reason or another.

By this point, Kian had relaxed, and he truly seemed to have no clue we knew his birthday arrived in less than two minutes. Precisely at 12:01 a.m., Jake carried a cake in with fifteen candles glowing on it. The perfectly frosted layers reflected the unmistakable touch of an experienced baker, likely the housekeeper. Kian stared, speechless, as presents appeared out of purses and backpacks. I had only cash and my fake ID, so I gave him twenty bucks wrapped around the card.

When he cocked his head at me, curious, I said, “Something to remember me by. And you can buy another rare album at Psychedelic with that. I wouldn't have known what to get.”

“Thanks.” He leapt up and hugged me.

But he didn't linger. In his eyes, I was just another friend, while Vonna was the girl he'd miss most. And I didn't even mind; that meant I'd done my job. He hugged everyone, even Elton, who put up a halfhearted struggle and mumbled, “Get off me, man.”

“Admit it,” Devon said around a mouthful of cake. “We got you.”

Kian grinned so wide it seemed like his face might crack open and shower us in rainbows. “You played me perfectly.”

Jake refilled everyone's glasses with some kind of punch that held just a hint of a kick. “And I proved that my parties don't all end in disaster.”

“Two thumbs up.” Carmen matched words to gesture.

A little later, Jake turned on some music, and we were all loose enough to dance. I had an awesome time just being silly and free, trying not to think about what came next. The liquor helped with that, making it easier to watch as the songs slowed, and the group coupled up: Vonna and Kian, Nathan and Amanda, Tanya and Jake. So I drank more with Dev and Elton, until the world was pleasantly fuzzy, and I couldn't hold my head up anymore.

When I woke, it was late morning, and everyone was sprawled on the floor in various awkward poses. Elton and Nathan ended up spooning somehow; I must've missed that. Stepping over them, I fixed my face as much as possible, but with part of my makeup smudged off, I didn't look quite right, already fading. I met Jake in the kitchen, staring vacantly into the fridge.

“It won't take you to Narnia no matter how long you wait,” I told him.

He startled, shutting the door on reflex. “Man, what a night.”

“It was fun. You threw a great party. Kian really appreciated it.” I paused, wondering if I should ask.
Yeah, he's the best choice.
“Would you do me a favor?”

“Sure. I owe you. Your stupid manga plan paid off big-time.” Finally, he got a bottle of water and chugged half as if he'd remembered why he opened the fridge in the first place.

“Wrap this up so you can't tell what it is. Then drop it off for Dwyer at this coffee shop.” I wrote down the address, along with some basic directions, though Jake's driver would take him and he probably knew Cross Point like the back of his hand.

“That's it?” He took the coin, turning it in his fingers. “This looks ancient.”

“Don't ask, okay?”

Jake sighed, shaking his head. “That's like your motto or something. And there's your good-bye face again.”

“It's time,” I said.

But I didn't realize I had an audience. Somehow I didn't picture a bunch of tearful farewells, but that was how it went down. I got all the hugs and promises to keep in touch from hungover people. By the time we all piled into Carmen's minivan, I felt scraped raw by their feelings, hard enough to handle my own. But they rebounded, recapping the night's high points so we didn't have to focus on the fact that this was it.

At the drop-off point, we hugged one more time. It was tough for everyone to get to me in the vehicle so they all hopped out. Carmen grabbed me first. “Promise you'll text.”

Amanda squeezed me next. “When can I come visit?”

The guys elbowed in, and then, finally, Vonna gave me a long, hard hug. “Won't be the same without you around here, girl.”

It took the last of my restraint not to break down.
Oh God, they'll honestly miss me. They care that I'll be gone.
Now, poised at the edge of extinction, I'd come full circle from that dark night on a bridge, feeling sure nobody would. Ironically, now that I wanted so much to survive, that path no longer existed for me.

But I made my choice. It's time.

Dazed, I headed for my bus stop out of habit. To my surprise, Kian went with me. I arched my brow.

“I'm seeing you to the station. But … don't you need to swing by and get your stuff?”

“It's in a locker,” I lied.

He kicked a rock so hard that it ricocheted off a nearby building. “Right. How long does it take to get from Miami from here?”

I shrugged. It wasn't like I was actually going. “Are you okay?”

“With you leaving? Not really. But it's not like you hid the fact that you'd be moving on. I've been braced for it from the start.”

Which is probably why he protected his heart. Clever Kian. Thank you for not letting me hurt you. Again. It's the last thing I could stand.

“I actually meant about you and Vonna.”

He stumbled a little over an uneven spot in the sidewalk. “Oh, you heard? I asked if it was part of the joke, but … apparently not. It's a surprise for sure, but I'm glad she went this route instead of cheating on me.”

“You could have a summer fling too.”

Kian laughed. “Please. I barely know how to handle one girl.”

“Practice makes perfect,” I teased.

For the last time, we rode the bus together, and he offered his earbuds, as he had before. The music was different this time, an interesting mix of old hits, classic jazz, and modern R & B. Already Vonna's influence was shaping him. Through my lashes, I watched him.

You're going to have an amazing life. Promise me.

All too soon we reached the station terminus, and the long-distance bus depot was three blocks down. Kian walked me all the way there. Without Dwyer's coin, pain came at me in waves like enemy soldiers. I wouldn't be able to control this much longer.

This has to end. Oh God, it has to.

Gritting my teeth, I covered the distance while Kian talked about summer plans with his uncle, mostly house renovation stuff. He pretended to flex. “Maybe I'll come back so buff in the fall, nobody will be able to resist me.”

I couldn't stop staring at his smile.
Happy birthday, baby. In my world, you tried to die today.

“You're already potent enough.”

Thinking that was a joke, he laughed. “Whatever. Oh. Here we are.” From his tone, he'd been putting on a front too, refusing to acknowledge the inevitable.

“Thanks for keeping me company.”

“It's me who should be thanking you. I mean, damn. Basically, you changed my life.”

That was the mission. But I only gave you a nudge. You did the rest.

This moment shone brighter than all the diamonds I'd never wear, tasted sweeter than all the meals I wouldn't eat. Kian reached for me then and pulled me close with a desperation he'd clearly been concealing. I wrapped my arms around him as tight, burying my face in his chest. It was a small miracle that I could. Somewhere down the line,
someone
would have a beautiful life because this boy survived.

“I can't believe the only picture I have of you is that stupid fake ID,” he whispered into my hair. His hand tangled in the short strands like he couldn't help it, and it hurt a little.

Parts of me, the missing bits hidden beneath my clothes, couldn't feel him at all, and that terrified me. I held on harder.

“Sorry. But it's something, right?”

“Sometimes when I look at you, I get this feeling…” He sighed, and it tickled the side of my face.

No, I don't want him thinking that.

“By the way, if I go quiet, please understand it's not that I wanted to. But—”

“Your life is complicated,” he finished.

I should be relieved that he accepted the excuse so easily. After all, I'd be conditioning him for months to let me go. But it hurt like tearing open a wound when I finally pushed back and stepped out of those comforting arms.
He's not mine. This isn't my time.

“Give the man a prize.”

“If you insist.” He swooped down and kissed me, not the deep kisses of the past but an almost-more tease of a kiss.

Shivering, I pretended he wasn't better at that than when we dated.
He's already learned a lot.
“Not sure your girlfriend would approve,” I mumbled.

“We're on a break, remember? It was her idea.”

A deep breath allowed me to say impossible, unthinkable words. “Okay. I have to go.”

 

WHERE THE END BEGINS

“I refuse to say bye. So message me when you get there.” With another kiss, this one on the cheek, Kian walked away.

I watched until he rounded the corner, disappearing from sight.

You thought nobody could ever love you, but
I
did. I loved you as you were in our world, perfect and tormented at twenty, and I loved you as you are at fifteen, awkward and unsure.

Good-bye, my beloved boy.

He thought I had a bus to catch, but rather, I'd run out of time. My heart hurt, but it was the good, clean ache of a job well done.
I did it. I chose the Potter's Future and made it true.
I'd fixed everything here that I possibly could.

Waiting five minutes convinced me he wouldn't double back out of misguided chivalry, so I left the depot then. My steps were aimless, Aegis heavy on my wrist. Since there was no reason to hide anymore, I peeled off my glove and studied my hand. Gold glimmered from my skin, light showing through the thin spots where I'd begun to fade. Soon my particles would abandon all cohesive bonds, returning me to subatomic dust. Echoes didn't leave a body behind. They just … stopped. This was the universe balancing the scales.

And I was done resisting.

Glad Kian won't see this.
The most critical bit was that the future stretched wide open, free from immortal interference. Though the monsters played on, even the immortal game had a few immutable rules. And while I couldn't say I won exactly, I didn't lose, either. In this timeline—or alternate universe, whichever—Edie Kramer still had her mom and dad, plus I'd given her enough guidance online that she shouldn't make the same mistakes as me. She was learning how to make friends, which was more than I knew at her age, and she communicated more effectively with her parents. A small pang went through me. That could've been
my
future, under different circumstances. But he
died
for me in the other world. So my life in exchange here in the summer timeline was a fair price.