Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (14 page)

Carol and Randall argued about who was responsible for their marriage being in shambles. In truth, both of them felt bad about it—which was why they blamed the other. They took each other’s accusations personally, got their feelings hurt, and withdrew for days on end. Both Carol and Randall were hesitant to reach out to the other. This was why they rarely had sex, and things broke down in bed at the first sign of trouble.

Carol and Randall’s difficulties with their Four Points of Balance (Solid Flexible Self, Quiet Mind–Calm Heart, Grounded Responding, Meaningful Endurance) permeated their lives. Outside the bedroom, things also rapidly deteriorated. Their children witnessed their nasty tirades and name-calling. Relationships with friends and co-workers were somewhat better, because these people were less important. But Randall had few friends, if any, and Carol had a long history of difficulty at work.

In our initial session Carol pushed Randall to talk about his childhood. Randall’s blank stare told me he didn’t want to talk about it. So she started to tell me his history herself. “Randall was sent to boarding school, and he has never talked about it. I think this has something to do with why he doesn’t like sex. He needs to talk about this and get this off his chest.” Carol picked at this emotional scab, like she was trying to open Randall up so he could “heal.” She took Randall’s defensiveness and silence as proof this was necessary. Randall was the low desire partner for sex, for therapy, and for talking about the past.

Months after therapy ended, Randall confirmed he had indeed been sent off to boarding school. He didn’t want to face how easily his father and mother had sent him away, ostensibly to get a better education. Randall wanted to blind himself to what he had mapped out about his parents: They treated him like a pet. He could stay as long as he made them look good and didn’t disrupt things or make a mess. But Randall got into trouble at school, and, on one occasion, with the police. That’s when his parents “became concerned for his education” and sent him to boarding school.

However, in our session Carol wouldn’t stop pushing Randall to talk about this. If Randall closed off the topic one way, she found another way to bring it back up. Emotionally, she was all over him. Just as we saw with Connie in
Chapter 1
, it wasn’t surprising Randall wasn’t interested in sex.

Carol was emotionally consuming. She engaged in borrowed functioning without any self-awareness of the toll on herself or Randall. In fact, she was much like her intrusive mother, who controlled Carol’s childhood, monopolized Carol’s wedding, and still tried to manipulate her. But Randall knew better than to say this—Carol became enraged at any mention of her mother. Given how Carol zeroed in on Randall’s childhood, you might think she had scrutinized her relationship with her own parents. But, like many people, Carol had all of her mind-mapping radar trained on Randall. She remained quite blind to herself.

Randall and Carol had previously seen a therapist who agreed Randall should talk about his childhood, since he seemed so defensive about it. The therapist suggested Randall’s low sexual desire might stem from
getting his feelings hurt back then. But Randall refused. Eventually they stopped treatment because they were getting nowhere. The topic always seemed to get back to why Randall didn’t want to talk about his past.

Carol had co-constructed Randall as the stereotypical man who wouldn’t deal with his feelings. When she picked on that scab, he became defensive, and it made him look as though he was “protesting too much.” Carol decided what the big issues in their relationship were going to be, and Randall got to decide what position he took on them. She determined when they bought a new house, or took a vacation, or ate out at a restaurant. Randall fought for the style of house, or the vacation location, or the type of restaurant they went to. But Randall’s refusal to discuss his childhood was not the step toward autonomy that it might have looked like on the surface. He depended on Carol for a positive reflected sense of self, which made him overreact to her intrusions.

You might think someone with Randall’s background would be so emotionally calloused and withdrawn that he wouldn’t care about what other people thought about him. That’s what it looked like on the surface. But underneath, Randall needed Carol’s approval. He needed her to make him feel like he was worthwhile, that his parents had made a mistake when they gave up on him. Carol’s opinion meant so much, he acted as if he didn’t care—just as he did when his parents sent him away. As long as he and Carol argued, it meant she hadn’t given up. Arguing also kept Carol at arm’s length. Randall was afraid Carol would control him, see who he really was, and that would be the end.

When Carol and Randall weren’t fighting over sex, they battled over talking. Eventually she said she would leave if he didn’t try therapy again and “deal with it.” Randall replied she could leave if she wanted, but he wouldn’t talk about his childhood, even if his life—or his marriage—depended on it. Carol backed down about divorce, but insisted they try therapy one more time. That’s when they came to see me.
⁹⁴

Although Randall refused to talk about his childhood, he was also afraid treatment would fail because it seemed that this was such a critical ingredient. Being afraid to talk about the past, and also being afraid if he didn’t, was not a good way for Randall to start therapy. In short, he had
trouble with his Four Points of Balance. He had difficulty quieting and calming himself, and this made him emotionally prickly and combative in our initial session.

Randall also wasn’t prepared for the meaningful endurance required for growth. He gave up quickly and looked like he didn’t care. He was afraid of really trying and being found inadequate. He ducked their sexual desire problems for years, even though he knew Carol was unhappy with their situation. This created fights with Carol, but all things considered, he could live with it.

Carol was as emotionally brittle as Randall. She had very little solid flexible self: She couldn’t stand looking imperfect in any way. Reflexively, she presumed she was right and put the other person on the defensive. In our session, when Randall stopped bickering, Carol felt she looked worse by comparison. Instinctively, she took another crack at Randall to elevate her reflected sense of self. She went after him, saying he didn’t have to argue because he knew who he was.

“You may think you know who you are, but you don’t. You may think you can count how long it’s been since we had sex, but you can’t. It’s been five months and twenty-one days. You are so damn self-righteous, but you won’t do anything about your problem. The problem
you
created for us.”

Having briefly emerged from their emotional soup, Randall dove back in. “This is not
my
problem! This is
our
problem! That’s what the other therapist said.”

“The other therapist with whom you wouldn’t talk about your childhood?”

Carol acted like she had checkmated Randall in their emotional chess game. But I saw it as evidence of difficulty with her Four Points of Balance. She was unsure of her identity because Randall no longer desired her, and being unsure of her own adequacy led her to attack Randall’s competency. Like Randall, she had difficulty calming her anxieties and soothing her own heartache. Carol had difficulty making well-grounded, measured responses. She overreacted when Randall momentarily functioned better. She wanted to blame their problems on him rather than endure the discomfort of looking at herself.

Carol had the same difficulties holding on to her self that Randall did. She needed Randall to be attracted to her in order to feel good about herself. When he avoided sex, she looked to men who paid attention to her. This frightened and angered her because she didn’t want to have an affair.

When Carol got anxious, insecure, and angry enough, she said things like, “Maybe we should just get divorced! You’d be happier with someone who doesn’t want sex. I’d find someone what wants to have sex with me. We’d both probably be better off apart.” Secretly, Carol wanted Randall to convince her to stay.

Predictably, however, Randall took offense and picked up the challenge. “You want a divorce? Good. Let’s get a divorce. You tell the kids. Tell them you’re going to break up our home because you’re so horny.”

Terrible things would be said in the ensuing arguments, leaving Carol and Randall emotionally bruised—and somewhat tender. Often they had sex within twenty-four hours, exchanged promises to try harder, and took back the hateful things they said—until next time. Carol went along with this because she feared what would happen if she didn’t. Besides being emotionally dependent, she loved Randall, and she didn’t want to face having to leave if their sex life didn’t improve.

Carol and Randall often argued about sex, but they never addressed their sexual desire problems seriously and directly. That was too personal and painful. Randall’s reflected sense of self caved in. He felt crushed whenever Carol brought up the topic. Randall, literally, wouldn’t talk about it. He wouldn’t endure the pain of facing his sexual problem, his marriage, and his life because he didn’t believe he’d succeed. Likewise, the meanings he saw weren’t worth going through hard times to come out better. To Randall, everything said his parents were right, he was incompetent. He couldn’t imagine that facing up and working things through could mean his parents were wrong. The meanings you hang on things greatly affect your determination and resilience.

As I learned more about Carol and Randall, everywhere I looked I found difficulties with their Four Points of Balance. They had:

1. Difficulty staying clear about their value and worth in the face of criticism from their partner.

2. Difficulty calming their anxieties and soothing their emotional bruises.

3. Difficulty staying grounded and not overreacting when their partner was anxious or on edge. Attempts to calm themselves down consisted of avoiding conversations, or clinging and arguing.

4. Difficulty confronting themselves about what they were doing or not doing. They wouldn’t tolerate frustrations or put forth the sustained effort required to achieve their goals.

Your Four Points of Balance shape the course of your life. Difficulty with one Point usually goes hand in hand with difficulties in the others, although sometimes one ability is stronger than the rest. Either way, it’s normal to have difficulty in the Four Points of Balance—which makes sexual desire problems normal, too. But resolving any imbalance by strengthening all four Points resolves the problems.

Randall and Carol’s marriage was a constant uphill battle, especially when it came to sex. Actually, Carol wasn’t as comfortable with sex as she thought she was. They both thought it was Randall’s responsibility to get her relaxed and turned on. When she had difficulty getting aroused, Carol critiqued his technique. Randall got reactive and defensive. Carol reacted in kind. Randall’s sexual interest evaporated on the spot.

Carol couldn’t hold on to the idea that she was desirable without Randall’s sexual interest. And when she couldn’t, her impulse to have an affair increased. Carol’s reflected sense of self soared when she received sexual vibes from men she met in the course of her day. This made her nervous she might have an affair, and when Carol got nervous she invariably overreacted: She’d threaten Randall and issue ultimatums, trying to shake him into action. Carol was actually really afraid they might get divorced. Sometimes when she threw out, “Why are we even married?” she wasn’t just trying to hurt him. She was mapping his mind to see if he wanted to break up.

Randall and Carol’s respective difficulties left them completely gridlocked. Randall didn’t have much sexual desire for Carol. Carol needed him to want her. Each looked to the other for emotional calm and safety
and security. Neither could offer these to the other. Both overreacted and took personally what their partner said in anger. Each wanted a commitment from the other, when in fact, they both often gave up and didn’t really try.

Like many gridlocked couples, Randall and Carol didn’t have sex together for months at a time. Struggles to maintain their sense of self took precedence over horniness. They took care of any horniness by themselves. They weren’t choosing autonomy over attachment, or taking better care of themselves. They were emotionally fused and withholding from each other, and when they masturbated they didn’t really enjoy it.

In our session, Carol said, “I don’t know what to do anymore. We argue all the time. Sometimes I don’t even finish my sentence before Randall is angry. I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything!”

Randall responded without missing a beat. “That’s right. We’re at each other’s throats all the time. She never says she’s sorry, and I’m tired of saying it. We don’t see eye to eye on things. But Carol always has to be right!”

Carol was furious. “No I don’t! You hurt my feelings all the time, and you don’t care about my sexual needs at all! You used to say you’re sorry, but not anymore. We never resolve anything. We have irreconcilable differences. If I don’t initiate sex, we never have it. I can see we’re not going to resolve this. We might as well get divorced!” Randall shook his head in dismay and disgust.

I said, “You don’t have irreconcilable differences. You and Randall are
emotionally gridlocked
!”

Carol and Randall stopped their bickering. Randall couldn’t figure out if I was aligned with Carol against him. He wasn’t sure what I meant by emotional gridlock, but the picture of two cars blocking each other at an intersection seemed even-handed. “How are we gridlocked?” he asked. “What’s emotional gridlock?”

“Emotional gridlock is when what you want to do blocks what your
partner wants to do, and vice versa. Marriage has lots of forced-choice decisions, when you can’t agree to disagree—like having sex. You can’t compromise, negotiate, or communicate your way through gridlock. That’s why you think your differences are irreconcilable. Gridlock
can
be resolved, but it takes different strategies. You and Carol are gridlocked up to your eyeballs. This is one reason you don’t have much desire for sex with her.”