Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (5 page)

“But it’s no picnic for the low desire partner. You wonder how you can end up with so much control and responsibility, when you don’t want it.
You feel terribly burdened, and you want to be rid of it. How can you be so powerful and destructive
and
so defective or inadequate at the same time? How can you do such terrible things to your partner?!”

Connie started crying. “That’s right. That’s how I feel. I feel so mean and withholding, when sometimes all I want is to feel like I belong to
me
!”

Contrary to stereotypes that low desire partners are “controlling bitches”—or “controlling bastards”—who love every minute of it, many LDPs are bewildered and beleaguered by their inevitable control. After all, you control sex. You must be getting something out of it, since you’re doing it. Right?

Wrong. The misguided psychobabble—“If it’s happening you must secretly want it or be getting something out of it”—will drive you nuts. Get it straight: The LDP controls sex,
whether he or she likes it or not
! The fact that many LDPs eventually
want
to withhold and punish is not necessarily why it starts in the first place. Sometimes it’s the end result rather than the cause of the situation.

Brett challenged me: “Are you telling me I should see things from Connie’s perspective?”

“No. See things from your own perspective; just get your perspective straight. Seeing things from your partner’s perspective is no magic solution. If you look at yourself through Connie’s eyes, what do you see?”

“I’m oversexed.”

“Are you?”

“No.”

“So much for the virtue of seeing things from your partner’s perspective.”

Brett laughed, breaking the tension in the room.

“There’s also no virtue in approaching your feelings like infallible truths. You may feel controlled, but that doesn’t mean Connie wants or tries to control you.”

Brett laughed again, his temper now in check. “Well, if I’m not the sex addict she thinks I am, then maybe Connie isn’t the controlling bitch I keep telling her she is.”

This was a turning point in our session. Brett and Connie became less defensive and looked at their predicament in a new light: The low desire partner controls sex whether she or he knows it—or wants it—or not.

But why does the low desire partner inevitably control sex? How could this happen if neither partner wants it? Why can’t you stop this, even if you read this book? How come this happens all around the world?

Here’s how this works:

1. The high desire partner makes most of, if not all of, the initiations for sex.

2. The low desire partner decides which sexual overtures she or he will respond to.

3. This determines when sex happens. This gives the LDP de facto control of sex, whether she or he wants this or not.

It’s shockingly simple and blatantly obvious once you see it, but completely invisible until you do. It operates in every single relationship. Its effects are progressive: The LDP’s control extends to where, how, and why sex occurs as well, whether she or he likes it or not. If the HDP proposes changing the frequency, timing, or style of sex, usually all the LDP has to do is hesitate. The HDP backs off, fearing he or she won’t get sex at all.

This fact of life drives couples wild. When Connie got defensive or anxious—which was often—she adopted a “my way or the highway” attitude. This gave her insecurities and anxieties a stranglehold on their sex life. Connie had tremendous control and at the same time she felt Brett was trying to control her.

Connie didn’t accept what I was saying at first. Her subjective experience was that she was
not
in control. She felt pressured and powerless. Sometimes she had sex when she didn’t want it. How could she be the one with so much control? If she was so powerful, why couldn’t she get
Brett to stop badgering her for sex? Connie finally got my point when she realized two important things.

First, the LDP controls sex because his or her response determines when sex occurs. Over time, this control grows. How you experience this, and handle this, says a lot about you, whether you’re the LDP or the HDP. But it’s true whether you know it, or experience it, or like it, or not.

Second, Connie finally realized I wasn’t going to turn on her and blame her for their sexual desire problems. She didn’t believe it at first because she felt guilty, and looked upon herself as a sexually defective person. Connie
did
look at herself through Brett’s eyes. This made it harder for her to believe she wasn’t ultimately going to be found at fault.

As our session progressed, Brett and Connie became less adversarial. But they still figured something must be going wrong if they had sexual desire problems. Connie said, “Maybe no one is going to be blamed for being ‘bad,’ but I’m still afraid this whole thing will get pinned on me. Something must be going wrong for our sex life to be in shambles.”

“What makes you think something’s going wrong?” I asked. Brett and Connie both looked at me as though I was out of my mind.

“How about the fact we haven’t had sex in six months, for starters. Marriage isn’t supposed to be like this. It isn’t right for a husband and wife to live together without sex. It’s not normal.” Brett’s tone lacked the blame and condemnation usually directed at Connie. It was more shock and embarrassment.

Connie asked hesitantly, “Can we fix our relationship?”

I paused for effect. “No … because it’s not broken. From what you’ve told me so far, nothing’s going wrong.”

“Nothing’s going wrong, he says. My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me, and nothing’s going wrong!” Brett was mocking me, but his tone was more ironic than hostile.

“That’s right. For starters, things going wrong and things not going the way you want are two different things.”

“Oh.” Brett had never considered this possibility.

“Secondly, you can probably turn things around—and make them more to your liking—because nothing’s going wrong. If something odd or unusual was happening, it might be impossible to change your marriage. But your relationship seems to be working properly: It’s doing what relationships do when partners do what you two are doing. When you start functioning differently, your relationship will operate differently, too.”

Connie said, “You’re telling us there’s nothing the matter with our ‘car,’ the problem is how we’re driving it?” I nodded.

Brett had a curious smile. “My wife says she won’t have sex with me because I’m a selfish, insensitive lout. I’m telling her she’s a controlling manipulative bitch. We fight about this all the time. We don’t know if we’ll stay together. We already flunked therapy once. And you’re telling us nothing is going wrong?”

“Yep.”

“On what planet did you get your degree?” It sounded like,
“You’re pretty good, Doc!
”

I smiled back. “The planet you’re currently visiting. It’s hard to get over the assumption that sexual desire problems mean something’s going wrong. That’s how desire problems have been seen throughout history—and probably before that. But shifting your perspective changes everything. It’s helped lots of couples, and it can help the two of you.”

Connie looked truly relieved. “You really think nothing’s going wrong? I’ve felt inadequate for such a long time. It’s hard to believe it’s not true.”

“Maybe something is wrong, I don’t know. But sexual desire problems often indicate everything’s happening as it should.” Connie and Brett looked at each other.

“I’m not telling you to
ignore
sexual desire problems, or that they’re fun to go through. I am saying that since sexual desire problems are inevitable, you ought to use them
productively
. Desire problems can be
useful
to people and relationships. They push us to become more solid within ourselves. Sexual desire problems aren’t a
problem
in your marriage. Sexual desire problems are part of the normal, healthy
processes
of marriage.”

Brett and Connie fell silent on my couch, alert, watching me, entranced. They had decided what they were learning was important. This was a whole lot to take in, and they didn’t want to miss any of it. Brett smiled. “This is some planet you practice on, Doc. It’s different from our first therapy.”

Connie chimed in, “It sure is.”

A little more respect and consideration flowed between them, making it easier for us to talk about many important things. By the time they left our first session, they looked me in the eye, shook my hand, and smiled.

Throughout this book we’ll talk about incredible interactions around sexual desire that foster personal growth. People-growing processes are elegantly simple and tenaciously reliable. The low desire partner always controlling sex is one of the “people-growing processes” of love relationships. We’ll focus on your most enlightened human capacities, rather than “doing what comes naturally” or “Just do it!” Yes, we are biologically and psychologically programmed to procreate and perpetuate our species. Like all animals, we have physical sexual tensions, and we seek pleasure and avoid pain. But your brain—not your hormones or genitals—makes you capable of profound desire and transcendent sex. What makes human sexual desire
human
is your brain’s unique capacity to bring
meaning
to sex. Your desire greatly impacts your partner and your relationship, and vice versa. It’s an amazing system.

How you feel about your partner, yourself, and your relationship is critical to robust desire. Enhancing desire requires more than breaking sexual routines. It involves intimacy, passion, eroticism, respecting yourself, and liking your partner—and being mature enough to be more capable of all these things.

Low desire can be caused by problems with hormones, neurochemicals, and a long list of medical problems. (It always pays to get a complete physical checkup.) But these cases still have everything to do with the desire dynamics and people-growing processes described throughout this book.
While they may not have caused the problem to start with, they most certainly come into play. When you have a medically based desire problem, you are the low desire partner who controls sex, whether you like it or not.

Desire problems often involve more than sexual inhibitions, lack of fantasies, and difficulty getting started. The ebb and flow of sexual desire is human nature at its best and worst. What you’ll discover about sexual desire problems coincides with the growing science of resilience and positive psychology.
⁷
They can develop your capacity to cope with stress and catastrophe, your emotional resilience, and your resourcefulness. You can use them to develop the strengths and virtues that make life more fulfilling and enable you to thrive. It’s not about curing mental illness.

Can you fan the flames of sexual desire once they have gone out (or never ignited)? Yes, you most certainly can. The point is: Everyone has to! It’s a natural process of personal growth.

Brett and Connie went on to turn things around, more quickly and with better results than they imagined. They settled down and applied the same things you’ll learn here. I suggest you do the same.

Stop blaming yourself because you have sexual desire problems. Something bigger than your feelings—or your past—is at work. Stop taking things so personally. Be less defensive and more curious. Pay more attention to what’s going on. This makes it easier to turn things around. If you’re reading this, you’ve already started.

IDEAS TO PONDER

Normal people have sexual desire problems.

There is always a low desire partner and a high desire partner. They are positions partners take in every relationship, whether about sex, intimacy, doing household chores, or visiting relatives.