Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (3 page)

Summary points appear at the end of each chapter to help you organize and retain what you’ve read. They delineate an incredible natural system of human development. These are the basic principles of human sexual desire. Ponder these points rather than trying to memorize them: It’s more important that you see how they work together as a system than to recite them. Apply them to the couple in each chapter. Apply them to yourself. You’re better off this way than trying to remember an abstract idea.

I encourage you and your partner to have your own separate copies of this book. Many couples have said this really helped them with my other books. Read to each other if you like, but to paraphrase poet-philosopher Khalil Gibran, read to each other from your own book, rather than from a single book. Underline or highlight whatever speaks to you. Use a different marker on your second reading. See which points continue to be important to you. What new things grab your attention because you’ve grown? Don’t bother underlining things for your partner to read. It will just make him or her defensive and less willing to consider your point.

If you want this book to change your life, put what you read into action. Just visualizing and thinking won’t be enough. Only by taking action will you and your situation change. According to emerging neuroscience, doing something also changes your brain and mind. So, literally,
do
yourself a favor.

One more point to note: This book considers who controls sex in a relationship. There are many times and places in the world where women do not control their bodies. Opportunistic or systematic rape occurs worldwide. In some cultures, women’s bodies are men’s property. In these situations the low sexual desire partner (a term I use throughout the book) does not control sex. Women who are systematically battered do not control sex. The same holds true for refugees, prison inmates, torture victims, illegal immigrants who are part of worldwide sex trafficking, and in cultures where women lack equal opportunity for education, voting, or owning property. The list is long and their treatment horribly unjust. They are invariably the low desire partner, but they don’t control sex.

Finally, I really enjoyed writing this book. It took me five years. I hope it brings you as much joy as it has me. I will be greatly pleased if facing your sexual desire problems becomes a turning point in your life.

David Schnarch, Ph.D.
Evergreen, Colorado

A
re you having sexual desire problems? Sooner or later most couples do. Desire problems are couples’ most common sexual complaint. Couples around the world struggle with them, and it’s been happening since the dawn of recorded history—and presumably long before that.

Did you ever think this would happen to you? Most people don’t. How can you be having sexual desire problems, particularly if you started off hardly being able to keep your hands off each other? How can this happen when you are (feeling) relatively young? Why are desire problems so common? Why are they so difficult to change? Why does everyone end up with a problem no one thinks will happen to them?! Is this the inevitable price of a long-term relationship? Does this mean humans weren’t meant to be monogamous?

If you’re up to your eyeballs in questions and problems, and short on answers and solutions, you’ve got lots of company.

Couples like Connie and Brett are often brokenhearted, demoralized, and hopeless when they come for treatment. Brett was the partner with higher desire. According to Brett, Connie didn’t want sex. Connie was the partner with less desire. According to Connie, Brett was oversexed.

Brett and Connie’s positions had become polarized as tensions between them escalated over time. Brett bitterly complained about “not being allowed to touch his beautiful wife.” He said it was unfair that they only had sex when
she
wanted it. What about what he wanted? Brett felt Connie was withholding sex, and that she was doing this to control him. He said they always had to do things her way, and this wasn’t just with sex.

Connie countered that Brett was inconsiderate. He was always pressuring her for sex. His complaint about her dominating the relationship was nonsense. If they always did things her way, how come she felt constant pressure to do things his way? According to Connie, Brett was like many men: All he wanted was sex.

Brett and Connie’s prior attempt in counseling failed to solve their problem. They feared they would fail again with me. Connie worried I would think there was something wrong with her. Brett scrutinized me for signs he wouldn’t get a fair hearing. It’s hard not to be defensive when you anticipate being told you are sexually inadequate or a sex fiend.

It’s natural to feel bad about having sexual desire problems. You probably believe sex is a natural function. Most people believe sexual desire is automatic in healthy people who love each other. At first glance, this seems like a healthy, enlightened attitude—common sense.

But once you believe sexual desire comes “naturally,” you’re in for load of problems: You’re going to feel pressured to have unflagging sexual desire and perfect performance all the time. You’re going to be defensive and despondent when sexual desire problems surface. You’re going to feel screwed up, defective, even “pathological.” In turn, you’ll
be less likely to address sexual desire problems and less likely to succeed when you do.

When you believe sex is a natural function, it’s no fun to be the low desire partner (also referred to as the LDP). You see yourself as “the one with the problem.” Your partner, the high desire partner (also referred to as the HDP), usually sees you that way too. You feel defective and inadequate. No one wants to be the low desire partner.

Unfortunately, it’s no fun being the high desire partner, either. On the surface, the higher desire partner is the “healthy partner” and the de facto “sex expert” in the relationship. Supposedly, the HDP “doesn’t have a problem.” The low desire partner is so busy feeling inadequate, he or she has no idea the high desire partner often feels the same way: If you are lovable, attractive, and sexy, wouldn’t your partner naturally want you?

Approaching sexual desire as a natural biological drive creates another big problem: It is hard to be eager for sex when it feels like your partner just wants to “relieve his physical needs,” like scratching an itch. Believing “sex is a natural function” does more than make it harder to solve sexual desire problems. It
creates
low sexual desire because it makes sexual desire
impersonal
.

Another theory that messes things up is the exhortation “Just do it!” Brett (the HDP) told Connie (the LDP) to “Just do it!” all the time, but it didn’t help. Connie often told herself “Just do it!” and that didn’t help either. So when experts encourage “Just do it!”—as they often do—it’s not surprising therapy often fails.

Connie and Brett’s prior therapist assigned them “touch exercises” to do as homework. Connie didn’t like the exercises, and she didn’t like being told what to do. When she objected, Connie was told to do it anyway, even if she didn’t want to. Maybe she’d desire sex once she got turned on. The therapist said research showed having sex stimulates hormones and brain chemistry that makes you want to have sex. If Connie would just do it, this cycle would start, and she wouldn’t have to force herself anymore. The therapist encouraged frequent sex for two weeks, even if
Connie didn’t want to. She might surprise herself and like it, the therapist proposed, and she might feel better about herself for being considerate of Brett.

Connie let me know up front that she didn’t like this approach. It hadn’t helped her, and she wouldn’t “Just do it!” if I told her to. I reassured Connie that I recognized the problem with the “Just do it!” approach thirty years ago. “Just do it!” was part of physicians’ and therapists’ earliest attempts to treat sexual desire problems. The many clients who didn’t like the touching exercises therapists prescribed were told to “Just do it!” anyway. Clinicians didn’t think twice about encouraging the LDP to have sex she didn’t want—to the point of encouraging sex with a spouse she didn’t like! The low desire partner was told to focus on her sexual sensations and fantasize about someone else.
³

I explained to Connie that therapists, physicians, and religious clergy hit upon the “Just do it!” approach long before it became an advertising slogan for Nike shoes. But research indicated that at the end of therapy many couples showed no improvement. Some briefly had sex more frequently, but with no more desire. Within two years, most were back where they started.
⁴
I had this very much in mind when I designed the Crucible® Approach three decades ago. I go into detail on this approach later in this book.

I gave Connie additional reasons why I wouldn’t pressure her to “Just do it!” First, I didn’t want to trigger her basic human reaction: “
Don’t tell me what to do!
” Second, I didn’t presume anything was wrong with her or her current level of desire. I said, “Many low desire partners hate the ‘Just do it!’ approach because it promotes impersonal sex. If lack of intimacy is the source of your low desire, this makes it worse. Either way, you get a clear message:
‘Do whatever it takes to get turned on. You must have more sex whether you want it or not
.’” As Connie realized I was serious, she relaxed and become less defensive.

“Brett probably got the same message too,” I suggested. “Something like,
‘Have sex the way the low desire partner wants, even if it’s not your preference. Be considerate. She is going out of her way for you. Don’t make things more difficult. Settle for less than you want and we’ll work out the details later. Any improvement is better than nothing
.’”

“You got that straight,” Brett said angrily. “That’s exactly the message I got.”

Connie looked at Brett and pointed at me. “I think he understands my position. Maybe he can help us.” Brett nodded in agreement.

Is there
any
place for a “Just do it!” approach? Perhaps, if you like sex when you have it, but it never occurs to you to propose it. However, let’s say you’re never in the mood in advance, and on top of that, your relationship is contentious. Maybe the two of you are arguing over sex. Maybe your partner takes you for granted, or talks down to you, or undercuts you in front of the children. If you have
negative
anticipations of sex, or you’re unhappy with yourself, or feel alienated or angry with your mate, you’re not a candidate for “Just do it!”

It turned out Connie didn’t have problems being in the mood in advance. “When I’m interested in sex with Brett, sometimes I daydream about it beforehand. But I’m usually not interested in sex with Brett, because I don’t like the way he treats me. He keeps saying my personal problems screwed up our sex life and our prior therapy. He said I should have done what the therapist told us to do. He keeps telling me I’m selfish.”

In self-defense, Brett asked, “Well, what’s wrong with just doing it to make your partner happy? What ever happened to old-fashioned compassion?”

“Well, if you’re the high desire partner this sounds good,” I replied. “But you’re probably not going to like the sex you get. Some low desire partners seem to be saying during sex, ‘I’m just doing this to please you!’”

“You’re describing Connie perfectly,” Brett murmured. “She doesn’t want me to enjoy it even when we’re doing it.”

“He mopes about, feeling deprived,” Connie countered, “trying to raise my guilt so I’ll have sex with him. Preaching generosity and consideration is just another way Brett tries to manipulate me to do what he wants. This doesn’t get me sexually aroused, it makes me furious!”

Brett flared. “I’m the one who gets manipulated. I get manipulated into only having sex when you want it. What I want doesn’t count. I always have to do it your way, or you stop. Our other therapist pissed me off, telling me I should have sex with you however you want it. That’s what I’ve been doing for years. The therapist acted like that would be something new.”

Brett turned to me. “Doc, the way Connie acts drives me nuts. I feel like we’re in kindergarten, playing ‘Simon says do this and don’t do that.’ We do everything on her terms. If I want her to touch me, the answer is no. If I want to kiss her, the answer is no. It doesn’t matter if I do the dishes, talk nicely to her, or we go out on dates. When it comes to sex, she freezes up and I have to take it or leave it on her terms. And if you tell me to just do it her way, I’m walking out of here!”