Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (54 page)

If eyes-open sex seems like too much, you and your partner can do
heads on pillows
where you both only open your left eye. This way you get to see your partner without feeling seen. Who knows, you might feel daring and open both eyes. Play “peek-a-boo” if you need to!

Once you get comfortable with eyes-open sex, you can extend it to eyes-open orgasms. It’s powerful to gaze into the eyes of someone you love before, during, and after your orgasm. Of all the intense moments of meeting you can have, this one ranks among the best.
²⁰⁰

An eyes-open orgasm brings together everything we’ve talked about:
feeling while touching
, moments of meeting, being
seen, felt
, and
tasted
, letting your partner map your mind, and taking him into your core. It’s one of the loveliest and most carnal demonstration of willfulness there is. It takes wanting to want and consciously chosen, freely undertaken desire, all at the same time.

Eyes-open orgasms are something like Dr. Spock’s “Vulcan mind-meld” in
Star Trek
: a profound level of partner engagement and emotional transparency. Your partner’s presence provides emotional meaning without distracting you from your physical sensations. For this to happen, you have to accept yourself as you are at that moment, because that’s who your partner is going to see. You have to hold on to your self and invite your partner to look into you while you “pop!”

Don’t feel bad if you can’t reach orgasm with your eyes open just yet. Most people can’t. Of the 10,500 people who participated in the passion atemarriage.com web site survey, only 13 percent said they or their partner had eyes-open orgasms. You could easily argue eyes-open orgasms are (statistically) abnormal—or maybe a miracle. However, you can learn to have eyes-open orgasms if you want to. The process is as reliable as curing ticklishness and much the same.

Paul started confronting himself about why he couldn’t come. Why was he uncomfortable having tender loving sex with a woman who wanted it? It was his own wife, for crying out loud! How much more “permission” could he get? What was it going to take? Paul realized he wanted to unlock himself.

One day Paul found Kate as she was drying herself after a bath. Paul walked in the bathroom and, without a word, took the towel out of her hand as she stood there. Kate looked at him curiously, not understanding what was happening. Paul took her by the hand, led her over to the vanity, and had her sit with her back to the mirror. At that point Kate thought Paul wanted to talk about something important.

Paul leaned forward and put his hands on the inside of her thighs. Immediately, Kate mapped out what Paul was doing. She gave him a sideways glance of disbelief. Paul smiled and kept her gaze. Slowly, he parted her thighs. He stepped forward so he was standing over her. No part of his body touched her except for his hands. Paul stroked the inside of her thighs, never taking his eyes off her. Kate gave Paul a grin from ear to ear. Paul broke the silence.

“Is this what you want, you bad girl?”

Kate thought she had died and gone to heaven. “Yeah … Are you a bad boy?”

“We’re going to find out.” Paul’s response was immediate and determined. Kate giggled.

Paul took Kate’s hand and led her to the soft carpet. Kate was thrilled that they weren’t in bed. First they did
hugging till relaxed
with Kate
laying upon Paul’s chest.
²⁰¹
Then they did
heads on pillows
using a stack of towels. After they were deeply engaged for a while, Paul licked two fingers of his hand and reached down and touched her labia. Kate smiled and gave him an appraising look.

Paul opened Kate’s labia with his hand, licked two fingers on his other hand, and brought them to her clitoris. Paul never took his eyes off her. Kate was engrossed in mapping his mind. His
mind
was rubbing her clitoris, and looking her in the eye, simultaneously. Kate read Paul. He was serious!

Then Paul licked his fingers again and brought more saliva to her clitoris. Kate thought, “Oh, God. He is
really
serious!”

Paul kept his eyes on Kate while he rubbed her with his fingers. His jaw was set, he was determined, there was a twinkle in his eye. It wasn’t so much how he moved his fingers; it was what was in his mind.
That
really turned Kate on. It wasn’t just the clitoral sensations. The sexual vibes from Paul blew her away. There wasn’t a sound in the room except for Kate’s moans.

Moaning in pleasuring was new for them. Paul read her mind. As Kate approached orgasm, her eyes started to close. Paul laughed and said, “Stay with me.” Kate looked at Paul, and her eyes were full of love.

Eyes-open orgasms involve more than keeping your eyelids apart. It’s about lifting your “emotional shades,” taking your partner in, and letting him inside your mind. Kate looked at Paul and drank him in. It was all she needed to put her over the edge. A look of awe appeared in her eyes. Her body bucked reflexively, and she exhaled,
“Uuuhhhhhhhhhh!”
Paul chuckled.

Kate laughed and Paul laughed with her.

“Oh God. I’m not only having an eyes-open orgasm, I’m laughing in the middle of my orgasm too!”

“Indeed you are.” Paul attested.

Paul relaxed to give Kate a chance to catch her breath. Instead, she pulled herself on top of him.

“I thought you were dead,” Paul said.

“I’m dead from being done. Now it’s my turn to do you.”

“Don’t you want a minute to relax?”

In answer, Kate squatted over Paul’s hips. She put her hands around
the back of his neck and used her arms to take the weight off her thighs. She could move her hips up and down freely. Paul put a pillow under his head, making it effortless for him to see Kate as she pulled against him. Kate thought,
He’s making himself comfortable and not pulling back. Here goes
. Kate readjusted her feet to position herself so it felt easy for her to move. Then she took his penis inside her and began moving. Rhythmically, slowly, up and down, up and down. On some down strokes, she bumped into him with a gentle thud. The impact resonated through her pelvis too.

Kate glanced around the room while she kept her rhythm. The room was light and airy. It looked like a still-life painting, a slice of life. Kate thought,
This is just like my fantasies. We’re doing it as part of daily life
. Keeping her rhythm, Kate started humming softly to herself. She looked down at Paul, and they smiled.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m loving you!”

“Yes, I know. But you’re
humming
.”

Kate smiled. She kept her rhythm and kept humming except to say, “Maybe I hum when I make love.” Paul thought this was hilarious. He started humming, too. Kate thought this was hysterical.

Kate started emphasizing some down-strokes more than others. Each bump produced a blip in Paul’s humming. She and Paul started laughing when he realized what she was doing. She was playing him like a kazoo. They were doing it together, actually. They were literally making beautiful music together. They were friends. Kate and Paul looked at each other and smiled.

Kate wasn’t humping Paul’s penis. She was going after his mind with all her energy and essence. In her mind Kate was clear: She wanted to watch Paul finally let himself be taken. She wanted to feel him shoot into her. She wanted to see him spent and exhausted. Paul kept looking at Kate as she drove her energy into him. The thought occurred to her,
I’ve got him in me both ways. In my body and in my mind. I’m taking him in. Absorbing him. Surrounding him. Cuddling him
.

Kate could feel Paul was not far from orgasm. They were wet and more revved up then ever before. Kate’s accented down-thrusts turned Paul’s humming into grunts.
Oh my God!
Kate thought,
We’re really making love!

Then Kate started doing Paul on the up-stroke. After she established
her rhythm in his mind, Kate intermittently stopped at the top of her stroke. Then she’d restart the rhythmic up-and-down. Paul didn’t know when Kate would pause, or how long the pause would last. One thing he knew for certain, though, was that Kate was playing with his mind. She was doing his penis
and
his brain. She had his undivided attention.

Kate and Paul were eye to eye. The gleam in her eyes intensified, and they began a dialogue repeated by lovers throughout time. It was a conversation of great meaning and few words.
²⁰²

Kate said, “I love you!”

Paul responded, “
I
love you!”

“No, I love
you
.”

“No,
I
love
you
.”

“
I’m
making love to
you
.” Kate stopped at the top of her thrust to prove her point.

“Ohhhhhhh!” Paul gasped for air. Kate delighted in her new-found sense of power.

“You’re
loving
me
!”

“I
love
you!” The power in Kate’s down stroke and voice increased. Her eyes were wide, riveted on Paul.

“Yes!”
Paul’s neck bulged as he brought his face within inches of her. His eyes were wide, and his nostrils flared. Kate liked seeing him strain to meet her.

“Oh God, I’m coming!!”
Kate saw a look of shock came into his eyes. She brought her hips down on him with one last resounding thud. Paul’s orgasm thundered through his mind and body.

“Yeesssssss!!!”
The breath hissed out of Paul, as his arms locked around Kate’s hips and convulsively pulled her to him. He was deep inside her. He felt completely contained, completely welcomed, completely at home and at peace. For what felt like several minutes, Paul’s thoughts raced while time stood still. The room faded. He was acutely aware of himself as a finite being. And he was with another finite separate self, who was closer to him than he had ever let anyone. It was Kate, bringing him to this moment of self-awareness.

Paul had the distinct thought that Kate was holding him in her vagina the way a mother holds a child. Like she was holding him and rocking
him. Kate’s humming took on completely different meaning. All the while, Kate pushed down without letting up. He could feel her leaning into their connection. Paul’s biceps ached but he kept pulling her against him. The intensity was right on the edge between pleasure and pain.

Paul suddenly realized he was back with Kate. It was like he’d never left. He was just less absorbed in his own thoughts. What seemed like a long time was only a minute. Paul realized he was crying. He was flooded with love and compassion for Kate. He wanted to tell her about his journey through his mind. As he started to talk, he realized her face was glowing. He didn’t realize he was looking at positive brain plasticity.

It’s incredible how marriage works: Sexual desire problems provoke growth in people’s Four Points of Balance. Could the bane of your existence be part of the Grand Design? Has Nature built a trauma-resolving mechanism into the guts of adult relationships? Is this how the human race has repaired (and developed) its brain since prehistoric times?

Will this happen for you? Everything depends on how you see it and how you use it. The doorway beckons. All you have to do is
truly
make love.

IDEAS TO PONDER

Tender loving sex can strengthen your Four Points of Balance, change your mind, and possibly change your brain.

Mind-mapping plays a big role in tender loving sex.