Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (57 page)

“Okay, I see your point.” Phillip sounded unconvinced.

“Oral sex won’t automatically keep you from tuning out. I’ll bet you distract yourself when receiving oral sex, too. But oral sex removes the explanation that you’re doing this to delay your orgasm. If you still go off, it’s because of something else. It’s no different than Nicolle tuning out when it’s her turn to receive. She does it, too.” Phillip looked at Nicolle. Nicolle hesitated for a moment and nodded in agreement.

“Oral sex lets you collaborate in several different ways: You can deliberately tune in to each other instead of tuning each other out. You each get a chance to let yourself be held, in the metaphorical sense.”

Nicolle remarked, “Huh. I never would have thought that. But once you point it out, it’s perfectly obvious. I never thought of oral sex that way … Phillip is right. I usually stop him when he’s going down on me. I get to a point I’m uncomfortable with it. I never saw it as not letting Phillip hold me. I guess I’d be willing to give it a try. What do you think, Phillip?”

Phillip hesitated. “Doc, maybe we’re not ready for this. What if we’re not successful?”

“If you’re not ready or not interested, don’t do it. What you do with your body is up to you, and I don’t get a vote. And I’m not suggesting you bring each other to orgasm. It’s fine if that happens, but it’s not the point. If you both pay attention, you’ll have a useful experience whether you reach orgasm or not. Oral sex offers people like you more time to relax. You have more chance to settle down and get comfortable with each other.”

“Okay, I get that.” Phillip still wasn’t convinced.

“If and when you try it, take the time to look inside yourself and see what you’re thinking. If you’re driving yourself nuts, it will be easier to see it than during intercourse. For example, oral sex, more than intercourse, confronts you with the issue of letting yourself be held. Do you have a firm enough grip on yourself to allow yourself to receive?”

“Okay. I get that too.” Phillip sounded increasingly less interested.

“By the way, oral sex is a better way to develop control of your orgasms during intercourse. Intercourse itself isn’t strong enough to do it.”

“You’re kidding!” Phillip didn’t understand how this could be true, but I’d finally piqued his interest.

“It’s easier to develop better control with oral sex and transfer it to intercourse.”

“But I’ll be lasting longer during oral sex. How will that help me during intercourse?” Phillip was trying to think this through with me.

“You need to learn to regulate your anxiety during sex, period. It’s easier to learn to do that when you’re just receiving. The physical stimulation you’ll receive will also be more intense than intercourse. Developing more tolerance for intense stimulation, and getting better control of your anxiety, will give you more control of your orgasms during intercourse.”

Phillip’s demeanor changed. “Okay, Doc. Now you’ve got my attention. Keep talking.”

I don’t assume you’re comfortable with oral sex. If you want to change this, you can. But do yourself a favor and go further than getting over
your squeamishness or awkwardness See Appendix B for suggestions on how to resolve. You can get to the point that it calms you down and blows your mind in a unique and delightful way. I’ve helped clients use it to digest very difficult childhoods. You can do it in ways that promote brain change.

I work with my clients around oral sex because the benefits are remarkable—even if they don’t have problems with oral sex, but especially if they do. Some have never had oral sex in their lives. Some couldn’t climax that way. It’s the only way that worked for others. Some had strong gag reflexes, and others had olfactory-triggered flashbacks, which is serious stuff. What makes these people hang in and work with oral sex? Let me put it this way: Given the many things we’ve been able to wring out of
hugging till relaxed
, imagine what you can get from a good blow job.

Sucking is our first interpersonal experience. Your innate sucking response is a core part of human bonding, at work from your first moments of life. Oral sex also shoots your partner’s pheromones into your brain through your nose and mouth.
²¹²
In terms of interpersonal neurobiology, oral sex packs an olfactory wallop. Oral sex taps directly in to your brain’s somatosensory cortex. Smelling and tasting your partner’s genital fluids promotes bonding and stimulates the attachment neurochemistry of your brain. The reptilian parts of your brain probably light up too.

Later-evolving parts of your brain probably like it too. Oral sex has powerful interpersonal impacts. One of the best examples of right-brain-to-right-brain attunement occurs when you partner’s genitals are in your mouth, you can taste him and smell him, and he’s really letting you fuck him. When you’re thinking,
Wow. This is the best sex we’ve ever had! I love the taste and feel of him in my mouth. It means so much that we are doing this
, it’s hard to tell whether that’s your right brain or your left brain talking. I think it’s a sign of bilateral hemispherical integration.

Oral sex is a great way to create meaning. You can use it to fuck or to have tender loving sex. Both giver and receiver can be dominant or submissive. You can use it to finally make peace with your partner. You can use it to finally be at peace, period.

Oral sex is handier (and more fun) than a Swiss Army knife, and you
don’t have to worry about leaving it somewhere. This multipurpose tool doesn’t involve particular techniques like “deep throat.”
²¹³
It involves approaching oral sex as a mindful activity, a conjoint mental practice, and a point of joint focal attention.

Mindfulness makes oral sex
hot
. Erotic. Sexy. Smart. Mind-mapping makes oral sex the main event, rather than a prelude to intercourse.

You can use oral sex as a window into who you are and where you came from. You can use it as a pathway to the person you want to be. The power of oral sex comes alive when you embed it in a new and more accurate picture of your past: Once you retrieve a new piece of your autobiographical memory, you can use it during oral sex to encourage your brain to reorganize itself. It’s also possible to repair holes in your autobiographical memory during oral sex. I’ll give you an example shortly.

I realize this sounds incredible. It’s hard to think along these lines. The only reason I propose this—even think up something this fantastic—stems from seeing this happen with my clients. I had some professional skepticism, but when my clients fairly reliably used oral sex to resolve their past, repair the present, and reorganize the future in their minds, thinking this way got easier. Pairing oral sex with an accurate autobiographical memory seems to encourage your brain to function differently.

Creative applications of oral sex can resolve many desire problems. As we’ve seen, it’s a great way to create sex worth wanting that has nothing to do with having orgasms. But don’t sneeze at the fact that oral sex is one of the easiest ways for women to climax. (This includes women who think they can
only
reach orgasm during intercourse.) And oral sex is great for solving sexual dysfunctions too. But our focus isn’t about increasing your frequency, intensity, and ease of orgasms. (If that happens, live with it.) Oral sex confronts you at your core.

Phillip asked, “Why put so much emphasis on receiving? My problem is being the giver.”

“You can do both with Nicolle during oral sex.”

“But I already feel selfish because I come quickly. I’d be more selfish if I focused on receiving. I should be focusing on actively pleasing Nicole.”

“If you’re interested in pleasing her, take your turn receiving oral sex. That’s how you’ll develop more ejaculatory control, which we know Nicolle would like you to do.”

“That’s right, I would,” Nicolle chimed in.

“When you won’t let Nicolle fuck you with oral sex, you deprive her the way she deprives you: You like going down on her, but she stops you. You don’t like that. That’s about more than your reflected sense of self. Going down on her gratifies the part of you that genuinely cares for her. When you won’t receive, you deprive Nicolle of the same satisfaction.”

Phillip chuckled. “So I’m selfish for not letting Nicolle give me a blow job?”

“You like going down on Nicolle, but only you can be the oral sex virtuoso. Nicolle is smart and competent, but she doesn’t reveal herself and show what she’s got, at least not in sex, and probably not in other ways.”

Nicolle spoke up as I hoped she would. “You’re right, Dr. Schnarch, sometimes I
would
like to be the one doing the giving. And I don’t always want my orgasm first because Phillip’s worried about his ejaculation. Sometimes I would like to have my orgasm second. And, actually, I think I can give head just as good as Phillip. I’d go down on him more if he wasn’t so anxious when we do it. It’s no fun to blow a guy who’s nervous.”

All three of us looked at each other with expressions of amazement. This was quite a demonstration of Nicolle showing herself. Phillip was so surprised, he didn’t get defensive. He really didn’t know what to make of this. Nicolle had even surprised herself.

Phillip laughed. “Well, I’m willing to learn. I can’t believe we’re sitting here talking about blow jobs and fucking. This sort of makes me nervous.”

I replied, “Since you’ve managed to calm yourself down during
hugging till relaxed
and
heads on pillows
, you’ll probably succeed during oral sex too.”

Phillip nodded seriously. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Doctor. I
wouldn’t want to flunk oral sex.” His delivery was funny and loaded with multiple meanings.

I asked, “So would you like to talk about something else, or do you want me to help you set the stage?”

Nicolle laughed, “Don’t stop now! That would be
oral sex interuptus
.”

Phillip added, “Nicolle’s right, Doc. Don’t stop now.”

“So let’s see what we’ve got: Phillip rapidly reaches orgasm during intercourse, and thinks intercourse is the only solution to the problem. Nicolle wants to be fucked, and she’s pissed off and hasn’t wanted sex since early in their marriage.” They both nodded in agreement

“They could have oral sex, which gets around the problem for now, solves the guy’s rapid orgasms over time, and lets them experiment with
fucking
. But the guy’s not that interested. He likes to go down on her, but she won’t let him. She likes to go down on him, but he won’t let her. The guy’s frustrated she won’t let him do what he’s good at, while he’s depriving her of the same. Both are angry the other stops sex when they’re receiving. And both are lousy receivers!”

“See, Doctor, I told you we were screwed up.” Nicolle was signaling she got the picture. Phillip did the same. His impassive face accentuated his deadpan delivery. “Let me get this straight, Doc: I’m selfish because I won’t let Nicolle blow me. Most guys complain their wives never give them oral sex, and their wives counter that that’s all they want. And, moreover, I’m selfish because I want Nicolle to have her orgasm first? All along, I’ve been thinking I was noble. Thanks for clearing things up!”

I laughed, “You’re welcome.” I love when clients function better.

When Nicolle and Phillip returned for their following session we had a lot to talk about. They had been busy since our last meeting. One afternoon Nicolle and Phillip had sex. There was a heightened sense of connection and purpose as they went into the bedroom. They did
heads on pillows
and things felt good between them. Then Phillip went down on Nicolle. She thought back to our discussion about who received first, but
she didn’t make an issue of it. She wanted this to be a good experience for both of them.

Nicolle tried to focus her mind and not let it wander off. She still had intrusive worries that she wouldn’t reach orgasm anyway. She brought herself back into the present by opening her eyes and looking at Phillip. This was the first time in all their years together that Nicolle had watched him give her oral sex. It was sexy, and she felt very adult. Nicolle thought,
Phillip looks like he’s really enjoying himself
. Right then, Phillip smiled at her. The impact was amazing.

As Nicolle described it, a jolt of energy went from Phillip’s mind through his eyes to Nicolle’s eyes and into her brain. Another jolt went through his tongue to her clitoris and up her spine to her brain. Nicolle was fully engrossed in their moment of meeting. She raised her head so she could see Phillip better. After a few minutes, she relaxed her neck and let her head hang back. Her neck was stretched and her throat was open. Phillip licked her clitoris and she thought,
By God
, this
is what collaborative alliances are all about!

Nicolle was highly aroused. She let Phillip fuck her, and she loved it. She was proud of herself. This was her first real experience with being fucked during oral sex. This time she didn’t stop Phillip. She would have preferred having an orgasm this way, but she couldn’t quite organize all these new stimuli to make that happen. In some ways this was bigger. She knew what orgasms felt like. Being fucked was more exotic.

Phillip knew Nicolle was making progress because he really enjoyed giving her oral sex this time.
This
was what he wanted to feel with Nicolle all along. In retrospect Phillip realized that he wanted to fuck Nicolle, and he wanted to feel her allowing herself to be fucked. He wanted to see the eroticism she hid in the secret parts of her mind. He had vaguely known about Nicolle’s prior promiscuity, and he’d always wondered what she was like in bed back then.

When it was Phillip’s turn to receive, Nicolle expected to give to him the blow job of his life. She made moves to go down on him, but he stopped her and positioned her for intercourse. Nicolle said she wanted to give him oral sex, but Phillip said he wanted intercourse. Nicolle hesitated
for a moment because she was mapping Phillip’s mind: He was avoiding taking a turn receiving.