Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (27 page)

The proposed move unbalanced their relationship, triggering issues that had been situationally held at bay. Regina and Ellen had kept their competitiveness in check by having separate but relatively equal situations. Competitive conflict-avoidant couples often keep everything rigidly equal to prop up their reflected sense of selves. Highly talented couples can maintain this precarious balance for long periods. Now Regina and Ellen were in crisis because circumstances were about to change all that.

Ellen was anxious and somewhat miffed to start with. “This is a much bigger move for me than it is for Regina. I’m not eager to relocate when Regina never wants to have sex with me. I know I’m a little insecure about her being back with all her buddies, but I think I’d be a fool if I presumed everything will get better once we relocate.”

Regina deflected her comment gracefully. “Well, I think maybe some of our problem is that we don’t have time for each other. I’m on the go most of the time, and Ellen is either in court or preparing to be. We really don’t have that much time together. Maybe if we had more time for each other, we’d have more sex.”

“I don’t think it’s a matter of time,” Ellen replied.

I said, “I don’t think so, either.”

Regina turned to me. “What makes you say that?”

“I’ve never seen a couple whose business responsibilities and outside activities presented an intractable impediment to resolving desire problems or marital difficulties. I’ve also never seen a couple where this was the main cause of those difficulties. I remember lots of cases where couples
thought
this was their problem and went on to realize they were wrong. Would you let your job stop you from getting one of the best things in your life, if the sex you were having was that good?”

“How do you know sex between us is not great?” Regina picked up my implication. She was good at mapping minds. She wasn’t disputing what I said. She wanted to know how I knew.

“If sex between you was great, I don’t think you’d let your busy lifestyles stand in the way. You’re a pretty determined woman. I presume that’s gotten you where you are today. People spend their time where they get the most rewards. Lots of people prefer going to work over going to bed, because that’s where they feel they get the most strokes. If sex and intimacy were so rewarding, they might feel torn about the time apart. But, for lots of folks, it’s no contest. We like the fairy tale that we just don’t have time for each other, and it’s just these gosh darn obligations that are in the way.”

Regina smiled at me like I had just passed her test. I wasn’t settling for superficial answers. It’s too easy to dismiss difficult issues by mislabeling them as “hectic lifestyle,” “modern life is too complex,” and “my demanding career leaves no time for us.”

Ellen said, “That’s what I meant before, when I said I didn’t think solving our sexual problem was simply a matter of more time together. Sex doesn’t happen very often, and when it does it’s not very good.”

Competitiveness between spouses is a given. Competition between partners lacking Four Points of Balance becomes a problem. It leads to constant bickering, which can get pretty vicious and mean-spirited. Regina and Ellen were better off than some couples I’ve seen. Their arguments weren’t really nasty or vituperative. They were more like two
highly competitive, talented women, ready to spar with each other at the first sign of trouble.

Regina smoothly fended Ellen off. “It’s not my job to script every time we have sex, or do it to your liking. You could propose something new if you wanted to.”

Ellen got defensive and turned to me and said, “I’m the one who proposes new things in our relationship. Regina generally doesn’t say anything about our sex life, and when I do, it seems like I’m blamed for it. I’m not the only one responsible for making sex interesting. Why doesn’t Regina ever suggest something new?”

“Why don’t
you
do something new?” Regina countered.

“When I do, you don’t seem interested, or you go back to doing what we usually do. I feel rejected and unheard.”

“I feel rejected and unheard, too,” said Regina.

“Well, you do agree on some things,” I said and paused. “You agree you’re both feeling rejected and unheard. You agree that something is going wrong, and you agree that someone is to blame. You just disagree about whose fault it is.” They both laughed. I had successfully interrupted the cadence of their cycle. “So when you have sex, how do you have it? What do the two of you actually do?”

Neither woman said a word, clearly embarrassed and hoping the other would speak. Regina and Ellen looked at each other and still neither one said anything. Then Regina said, “We grind against each other, pelvis to pelvis, until one of us comes, or we do each other with our fingers. Sometimes we use a vibrator. Sometimes we bring ourselves to orgasm in front of each other.”

Without a pause, Ellen said, “Yes, that’s right. That’s what we do.” Then she added, “And I’m sick of it. It’s boring!” Regina and Ellen started arguing about who was responsible for sex being boring. I had to wave my hand to catch their attention.

“Of course the two of you are bored. What else could you be? You’re normal!” Regina and Ellen looked at me. Regina said, “If you’re saying that for effect, Doctor, it’s very effective. Telling us we’re normal so we’ll stop fighting, that’s very clever.”

“I’m telling you you’re normal if you’re bored senseless because it’s true!”

Ellen and Regina had a normal sexual relationship. At the outset, Regina ruled out sexual behaviors that made her uncomfortable or anxious. Ellen did the same. They did this by dodging anxiety-provoking sexual topics, tracking each other’s hesitations, and following each other’s lead in bed. Regina and Ellen went along with what the other wanted to do—until someone got nervous or awkward. When that happened, they switched to something else and rarely tried that again. This had nothing to do with being a same-sex couple. Heterosexual couples usually follow this exact same pattern, even if preferred sexual behaviors differ.

Ellen wanted to experiment with a dildo in their lovemaking (they already used a vibrator), but she sensed that made Regina uncomfortable. She had brought the topic up several times in their early years together, but Regina never picked up on it. Actually, Ellen never brought up the topic directly. That was too much self-validated intimacy for Ellen. After several oblique references to dildos, she dropped it.

Ellen also wanted to receive oral sex, and she was quite willing to offer Regina the same. Regina was resistant. The negotiation mostly consisted of mind-mapping, like Ellen positioning her crotch close to Regina’s head and Regina going passive or quickly shifting positions.

Like all couples of all sexual persuasions, Regina and Ellen co-created a mental world of sex. The sexual landscape included “the way we make love,” “off limits,” “way off limits,” and the “skirmish area.” The dildo was presently off limits. Oral sex was the current controversy and skirmish area for Regina and Ellen.

Oral sex was easier for Ellen to accept than the dildo. She felt this was more mainstream and less kinky, something lots of people did. It was easier for her to validate having this desire. Ellen had brought up oral sex intermittently during their ten years together. They’d squabbled openly about this over the last year and a half. Regina said she wasn’t comfortable with it for some reason, she didn’t know why. Ellen was tired of waiting for her to figure it out.

Actually, what Ellen really wanted was for Regina to do her with a dildo. She was happy to reciprocate if Regina wanted the same. Specifically,
Ellen wanted to have a particular experience when she climaxed while she and Regina made love. Ellen didn’t miss her ex-husband or his penis. Ellen just liked something inside her when she climaxed. Ellen wanted to share this experience with Regina. She was willing to settle for Regina going down on her. That was the point at which they were stuck: For the last two years, when they started talking about moving, the topic of oral sex was also on the table. Nothing ever happened because Regina wasn’t comfortable with it. The topic just sat there.

Regina had been lesbian since her adolescence, but she’d never performed oral sex on anyone, woman or man. She’d never done it; she figured she wouldn’t like it, and she didn’t want to have a bad experience. Aside from potential discomfort with the taste and smell, she was afraid of getting “claustrophobic” with her head between Ellen’s legs. Regina’s embarrassment about this hesitancy only made things worse.

Regina didn’t address oral sex unless Ellen brought it up. When Ellen broached the topic in our session, Regina complained,
“Why do we always have to talk about oral sex?”
Ellen folded and dropped the topic. Regina was taken aback when I took her question seriously.

“You act as if you’re asking a question, but do you really want an answer?”

“Answer to what?” she asked guardedly.

“Your question. ‘Why do we always have to talk about oral sex?’ There’s an answer to your question.”

“There is?” Regina couldn’t figure out where I was headed.

“Yes. And it isn’t that Ellen is an oral sex fiend!” Ellen realized I wasn’t against her. She relaxed and smiled.

“So tell me. Why do we always have to talk about oral sex?” Regina’s tone sounded challenging and demanding.

“Because that’s the way marriage works. It’s part of all that’s left to talk about. Topics vary from couple to couple, but the process is the same. You’ve talked about all the things you both want to talk about. All that’s left to talk about is the stuff you don’t want coming up.”

Regina realized I wasn’t trying to undercut her defenses. I was talking seriously to her. Turning her attack into a serious question presented Regina at her best instead of her worst. “It is?” Regina asked shakily.

“Yes. Every couple has a ‘Do we always have to talk about that?’ topic. Yours just happens to be oral sex.”

“Well, why does ours have to be oral sex?” Regina seemed genuinely interested.

“Because that topic fits the two of you.”

“Meaning, we’re the kind of people who have difficulty with oral sex?”

“No. You’re people who
do
have difficulty dealing with oral sex. That’s why it’s your ‘Why do we have to talk about that?’ topic. Topics you can talk about and accommodate each other on are the ones you
don’t
have to keep talking about. You talk through them, and you’re done with them.”

“So why do we keep talking about topics I don’t want to talk about?”

“It’s the process of elimination.”

“What the hell does the process of elimination have to do with why I have to deal with oral sex?”

“The process of elimination is how normal sexual relationships develop.”

Some sexual desire problems occur through the simple process of elimination. In a normal sexual relationship, you get to decide what makes you uncomfortable, which you then rule “off limits.” In the name of equality and fairness, your partner gets to do the same. Then, you and your partner do whatever sexual behaviors are left. Regina and Ellen had sex in ways they were comfortable with, and they avoided ways that make them nervous. This is why I say sexual relationships always consist of leftovers. (Later on I’ll show you how to turn leftovers into a banquet of delights.)

This is a lot more complex than two people and their hang-ups. The solution isn’t as simple as reading
Joy of Sex
, or giving Regina and Ellen permission or instructions to do new things. The process of elimination works slowly and imperceptibly, but it’s as unstoppable and as powerful as an ice glacier flowing downhill. The people-growing machinery of marriage is at work. And Nature doesn’t build flimsy mechanisms.

Normal sexual relationships develop invisibly to most of us, but they work simply and elegantly. You and your partner explore all the mutually acceptable sexual things you are comfortable doing, and through the process of elimination they all lose their novelty. You continue having sex within the boundaries of your current sexual development. Over time, boredom is guaranteed.
Boredom is a given in normal sexual relationships, and not because something is going wrong
.

This is why I say people have sex up to the limits of their sexual development. It’s an outgrowth of the normal process of partners eliminating behaviors that make them nervous. Having sex beyond your sexual development means you’ll feel uncomfortable. This is how we grow sexually, from your first kiss to whatever else you do now. Growing sexually means tolerating anxiety. Becoming a sexually mature adult involves converting things you initially thought were disgusting and perverted into the way you now make love.

Realizing people have sex up to their level of development helps you understand why couples fight about sexual behaviors. Going forward always creates some level of anxiety. Regina said Ellen needed to respect her sexual preferences and boundaries (in this case, about oral sex). The truth was Regina expected Ellen to live within her sexual limitations.
¹²³
No matter how understanding Ellen was of Regina’s feelings, she couldn’t change something Regina wouldn’t accept about love relationships: They don’t always make you feel safe and secure. And you can’t postpone some parts until they no longer make you nervous. Repeated experiences of tolerating anxiety and going into the unknown are built into becoming a sexually mature human being. There is no way around this.

Are you having sex beyond
your
development? It’s virtually certain you’re not. Not if you’re having trouble with sexual boredom. The only solution to sexual boredom involves stepping outside your familiar repertoire and creating novelty. This raises your anxiety, challenges your identity, and shakes up your relationship. This calls into play your Four Points of Balance: You have to hold on to your self, calm yourself down, soothe your own feelings, not overreact, and tolerate discomfort for growth.