Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (26 page)

Most couples struggle with commitment at some point, whether it’s about sexual exclusivity, moving in together, getting legally married, or having children. It’s common to hear,
“Why won’t you make a commitment?”
as couples struggle to balance attachment and autonomy. When your mate is taking your lack of commitment personally and his reflected sense of self is wounded, few of us have the presence of mind to ask,
“Commitment to whom? Commitment about what?”

I’ve said monogamy is a system and not a promise. But to the degree that monogamy
is
a commitment, the “to whom?” and “about what?” parts are often poorly understood. Karen never gave Julian the commitment he wanted. Karen said she wouldn’t have sex with someone else, but she made this vow to
herself
because it was what
she
wanted. She wasn’t
willing to violate her integrity again to get back at him. Julian was welcome to count on this or not. Whether he trusted her was his problem.
Her
problem was being someone
she
could trust.

Some experts believe we humans learned to control our sexual impulses because our survival depended on it. Adolescents had to handle themselves around older and more powerful males to advance up the dominance hierarchy. Other experts propose our brain’s capacity to preserve peace and order expanded as societies became more complex. Those who couldn’t control their sexual impulses were socially ostracized and reduced in number by sexual selection.
¹²¹

One way to think of monogamy is as a social institution, a socially enforced way of behaving. “Society” is social rules enforced by social pressure. Social pressure is group control of your reflected sense of self. Social pressure harnesses your ability to map other people’s thoughts about you, and reward-centers in the human brain release dopamine when social rule-breakers are punished!
¹²²

In other words, aspects of this highly sophisticated monogamy system are rooted in interpersonal neurobiology and the operation of your brain. This monogamy system turned your savage forebears into human beings and gave rise to human culture. The kind of monogamy most of us know is externally enforced, whether we feel the pressure to conform coming from our spouse or society at large. This kind of monogamy derives from limited Four Points of Balance, which in turn generates the problems and conundrums we’ve discussed thus far.

There is a second kind of monogamy based on self-confrontation, self-soothing, non-reactivity, and frustration tolerance. It comes from Solid Flexible Self, Quiet Mind–Calm Heart, Grounded Responding, and Meaningful Endurance. It is something you do for yourself. This kind of monogamy is internally imposed, and operates differently from
externally-imposed monogamy. This monogamy prompts generosity rather than withholding, and generates freedom rather than tyranny.

Julian and Karen started having sex more frequently—and better sex, too. She started initiating sex again, and Julian struggled more with himself before he said no. Julian didn’t just blow off Karen’s initiations or treat her dismissively. When they had sex he was more present, instead of going through the motions. Karen was more accepting and less reactive when Julian didn’t want to get together.

Julian also initiated sex more often. He wasn’t done with his issues about women, his tendency to be derisive, or his proclivity to feel controlled. But he began to realize his urge to withhold sex was as much about himself as about Karen.

One time Julian found himself thinking about Karen always demanding sex and exploiting him. He realized he was having these thoughts—but he knew they weren’t true! He promptly walked over to Karen and initiated sex. Much to his surprise and delight, it was a lovely sexual encounter. This was the beginning of Julian getting a grip on his thoughts and feelings. He developed more self-respect and more sexual desire, which made him more eager to please Karen and be generous with her. Watching him go through this process made Karen respect him and desire him, too.

Their foreplay became more varied and detailed. Often it was slower, less rushed, and more tender, with both partners taking time to pleasure the other. Other times it was playful, or raucous, or daring. Through it all, the intimacy and the meanings were deeper and richer than before. Their foreplay carried the message,
What should we do today?
Rather than
How little can I get away with giving you?

Well-differentiated monogamy increases your sexual desire. It makes you want to give your partner your sexual best. You still have to struggle with your own laziness and selfishness. There’s a mercenary aspect that helps you do this: You realize your partner is a gem—someone other people would snatch up in a moment if your partner entered the dating market. He will be a valuable commodity, sought after by many of your friends, who will be eager to have sex. Keeping your partner sexually happy is simple self-interest. Deliberately withholding sex is self-destructive. It
isn’t safe to withhold from a partner who makes a monogamy commitment to herself. If she isn’t going to put up with nonsense from herself, it’s a mistake to think she will put up with it from you.

For sound and logical reasons, monogamy operates differently when driven by your Four Points of Balance. Different things push you to be sexually generous and interested. Karen and Julian no longer felt controlled by each other. Julian no longer felt pressured by Karen’s sexual desire. Karen didn’t pressure him for sex. It wasn’t smart, and she didn’t have to: Julian was starting to initiate more, and getting creative with how he did it.

The best in us wants monogamy for good reasons. Many of us prefer to have sex with just one person we love, particularly if this doesn’t involve sexual martyrdom. If we have a choice about having great sex and intimacy, we’d rather stay home than go out. A lot of time and energy is wasted looking for clandestine romance, and many of us don’t need the extra complexity. Intimacy is difficult at best. We don’t want any additional things standing in the way of the deepest possible connection with our spouse. We don’t want the distraction of worrying about passed-on diseases. The romantic in us can like sexual exclusivity, without thinking of our partner as chattel. From what I’ve seen, as people strengthen their Four Points of Balance (Solid Flexible Self, Quiet Mind–Calm Heart, Grounded Responding, Meaningful Endurance) they decide extramarital affairs aren’t worth it.

Notice I didn’t say they lose their desire to have sex with new partners. Your Four Points of Balance don’t blind you to attractive people who catch your eye. Because of our origins, even the most highly differentiated person will be sexually attracted to others. Becoming well-differentiated doesn’t eliminate the inner tensions this creates. Your Four Points of Balance help you tolerate the sexual tension
and handle it cleanly
. It helps you soothe the disappointment, and not blame your partner for it. You keep your reflected sense of self on a tight leash. The same solid sense of self that lets you do this also gives you the backbone to deal with sexual problems and expand your sexual relationship.

Karen and Julian went through their crucible and emerged more capable of solid desire for each other and for sex. The tyranny of monogamy drives you, your partner, and your family to evolve. It can be another miracle of co-evolution in marriage.

Maybe monogamy is Nature’s way of getting you to have a better relationship with yourself. Handled properly, you end up clearer about your own desirability, better able to maintain yourself when your partner pressures you to conform, better able to quiet your disappointments and anxieties, less reactive to your partner, and better able to endure difficult episodes without giving up.

Maybe that’s the best way to summarize this chapter: Monogamy is about meaningful endurance, tolerating discomfort for growth. So is real love.

IDEAS TO PONDER

Monogamy is not a promise; it’s a
system
involving your Four Points of Balance. Monogamy creates a sexual monopoly, and monopolies control supply. But to the degree that monogamy
is
a commitment, the “to whom?” and “about what?” parts are often poorly understood.

When your Four Points of Balance are weak, monogamy creates low desire. But there is a kind of monogamy that prompts generosity rather than withholding, and generates freedom rather than tyranny.

Turning monogamy from martyrdom into freedom strengthens your Four Points of Balance and enhances desire.

T
o conclude
Part Two
, I want to tell you about a wonderful couple who came for therapy. Regina and Ellen were a high-functioning dual-income middle-age couple. Regina was a TV producer and Ellen was a successful attorney. Together they raised Ellen’s children from her first marriage, who now had families of their own.

Regina and Ellen came for therapy because their sexual frequency was declining and marital discord was growing. Although unusually talented and accomplished in many ways, they were a typical conflict-avoidant couple that “never fought.” Their increasing arguments upset them greatly.

Regina was the low desire partner, who initially thought her declining desire was due to menopause (it turned out it wasn’t). Regina and Ellen’s story illustrates normal desire problems that develop so gradually you don’t see them coming.

Regina and Ellen had desire problems triggered by shifting circumstances in and around their relationship. Approaching retirement age, they were contemplating moving to an exclusive community in another part of the country, where Regina had grown up. Heretofore Regina and Ellen maintained their emotional balance by having separate careers, friends, and money. However the proposed move involved Ellen giving up her law practice and her professional identity and colleagues. Regina planned to work part-time at the TV station where she started her career. She was returning to a town full of former business associates and friends. Ellen wouldn’t know anyone there except Regina.