Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (28 page)

Novelty is more than new sexual behaviors. It is the opportunity to map out a different part of your partner’s sexual mind, her eroticism, or reveal a previously hidden part of yourself. When you realize novelty is mostly mental, you see that couples fighting over
doing
something new are really fighting about
revealing
something new.

An essential part of this people-growing process comes from the evolution of our species: In human prehistory, your forebears desired sexual novelty and multiple partners. Anthropologist Helen Fisher suggests our craving for “fresh features” and sexual variety arises from parts of our brain that emerged when humankind first appeared. The tension between our urge for sexual novelty and our desire for pair-bonding drove the evolution of our prefrontal cortex. And because of your prefrontal cortex, it’s possible for you to have sexual novelty
and
pair-bonding with a single partner in a long-term relationship. To accomplish this, you have to go through the sexual growth processes that stretch your mind and regulate your brain. Our inherent desire for sexual novelty creates a sexual tension for growth within monogamous relationships.

Some time ago anthropologist Donald Symons proposed that men are more interested in sexual variety than women, due to differences in male and female sexual psychology evolved during hunter-gatherer times. Symons proposed that men who liked sexual variety did a better job of spreading their genes, and over time it evolved that men liked sexual variety more than women.

Helen Fisher doesn’t buy this.
¹²⁴
Helen proposes that “women’s biological drive to acquire resources, to obtain an insurance policy, and to secure better or more varied DNA, the potentially intense and long female sexual response, and the high incidence of female adultery in societies where there is no sexual double standard, all suggest that women seek sexual variety regularly, perhaps as regularly as men.”
¹²⁵
She suggests women are just as interested in sexual variety and just as adulterous as men, but for different reasons.

Since the dawn of humankind, women have slept around for fun as well as for goods and services. Sex researcher Alfred Kinsey found that women have extramarital affairs with some regularity, even in cultures which rigorously attempt to control this. Other research indicates women have affairs as often as do the men in societies that have no double standard and permit multiple liaisons.
¹²⁶

In other words, the sexual tension created by our desire for sexual novelty does not have its origins in gender differences. That is why it surfaces in lesbian and gay couples, too. The tension between our desire for sexual variety and our desire for pair-bonding and sexual exclusivity arises in all of us, regardless of gender.

So if you were thinking Regina and Ellen’s sexual desire problems stemmed from the fact they were lesbian, think again. Gay and lesbian couples have problems with sexual desire just like heterosexual couples. They have many of the same problems for the same reasons. Sexual desire problems stem from the fact you’re
human
.

Our cunning personal growth system is incredible. Sexual boredom is inevitable because sexual relationships always consist of leftovers, and the only way to resolve boredom is to step outside your comfort zone. There’s a second process operating in tandem that also hastens sexual boredom. This equally elegant level kicks into gear from sheer passage of time. It isn’t driven by the limits of your sexual development. It’s driven by
caring
. In Regina and Ellen’s case, it wasn’t long before this topic came up. Ellen said, “I don’t feel very cared about by you.”

Regina replied, “I don’t feel very cared about, either. I don’t feel very important in your life.”

I spoke up. “I know you think both of you are entitled to your feelings, but I don’t think they’re good indicators of what’s going on. I think one problem is you’re
too
important to each other. You’re more important to each other than you are to yourselves. Your partner is preoccupied with
what you think about her, and afraid and intolerant of your disapproval. Feeling unimportant is just your reflected sense of self complaining.”

Ellen was triggered. “How on earth can we be too important to each other? How can
anyone
be too important? It’s good to feel other people care about you.”

“That’s true. But being important to someone who can’t stand on her own two feet doesn’t feel as good as you think.”

Everyone believes caring about your partner is important in a good relationship. Everyone wants to be cared for. No one realizes how your level of emotional development makes this play out. When you care for your partner but her importance to you exceeds the strength of your Four Points of Balance, it creates desire problems.

As your partner becomes more important to you, sexual boredom becomes more likely. It’s harder to innovate sexually, because as her opinion grows more important to you than your own, you won’t risk her rejection. Sooner or later you reach a point where you won’t take off your sexual mask. The weaker your Four Points of Balance are, the quicker you reach that fateful point when you won’t reveal hidden sides of yourself by proposing something new.

Ellen and Regina struggled with this inevitable tyranny of perpetual accommodation. Ellen was afraid of upsetting Regina by letting Regina see what her eroticism was really like. She envisioned a lengthy cross-examination from Regina about “where has this been hiding?” Ellen didn’t want to risk disrupting the relationship—or being worked over by Regina. She was stuck in her false persona because she didn’t show her eroticism to Regina at the outset of relationship.

Lots of low-desire women are actually incredibly
carnal
. They are the end result of millions of years of women being bred for sex through sexual selection. These are women—more common than you might think—who love sex, thrill to it, and “want to be rode hard and put away wet,” as my Texan client says. These women hide this (and past experiences with other partners) at the outset of the relationship, reinforcing a false
persona in their partners’ mind. Years later, they follow their partner’s lead through sex, bored out of their minds and frustrated with their sex lives. They have little desire for sex because the sex they’re having isn’t worth wanting.

Sexual novelty is always introduced unilaterally. You and your partner are already doing everything sexual that is mutually agreeable, which has left you with leftovers. Your partner probably doesn’t want to do anything new you propose, because it is beyond her current sexual development. (Unless you’re proposing what your partner wants that you’ve previously refused to do.)

This means your partner isn’t likely to applaud your new sexual proposals. You’re more likely to hear, “You want to do
what
?” than “Thanks for sharing!” And count on having to make your proposal more than once.

Our discussion about intimacy (
Chapter 6
) applies here: Sexual boredom results from dependence on other-validated intimacy. Depending on your partner for validation, as opposed to being able to validate yourself, makes you unable to innovate or create sexual novelty. With weak Four Points of Balance, you won’t propose something new and daring like oral sex (or using a dildo). It’s easier to just let things be boring.

Sex gets boring because it’s hard to let your partner map parts of your mind that you’ve previously shielded. It reveals a heretofore undisclosed part of your psyche. The big hurdle in sex isn’t letting your partner see your body. Saying, “Why don’t we do
this
!” reveals your erotic mind. Letting your partner get a fuller picture of you is daunting regardless of the topic. Revealing your eroticism is a particular challenge to your Four Points of Balance. Using self-validated intimacy to show your hidden sexy side builds your Solid Flexible Self, Quiet Mind–Calm Heart, Grounded Responding, and Meaningful Endurance.

What interests you? What do you fantasize about? What really floats
your boat? The big hurdle to making sex interesting is letting your partner map your mind where your eroticism lurks.

Poorly balanced people get a reflected sense of self from how they act, including what they do and don’t do sexually. When they change their behavior, they lose their identity. They feel as though they have given up who they really are, and given in to their partner, which makes them resentful, rebellious, and indignant. Any request for change is taken as a criticism, insult, and rejection of who they are now, which justifies not changing. The fact that people have sex up to their level of development, and going beyond that raises anxiety, magnifies this reaction to all requests for changing the sexual routine.

Facing the choice between boredom and sexual novelty freaks people out. This occurs in other relationship areas too. It develops anywhere you want your partner’s approval, but you don’t want to change, and he or she doesn’t want to live within your limitations. This can happen when your partner complains, but he or she doesn’t have to say a word. If you’re desperate for your partner’s validation, all it takes is you knowing he or she wants things to be different. When your partner becomes more important than your Four Points of Balance can handle, you are confronted by a set of choices you don’t want. The way marriage works, there are four possibilities: (a) dominate your partner, (b) “submit” to your partner, (c) withdraw physically or emotionally from your partner, or (d) strengthen your Four Points of Balance. (One LDP at our Passionate Marriage® Couples Enrichment Weekend described his choices as fight, freeze, flee, or fuck.) Guess what most people choose?

For Regina and Ellen and countless couples, the correct answer is “all of the above.” Choosing to strengthen your Four Points of Balance usually comes last. Regina and Ellen had do go through the other options first. First, Regina tried dominating Ellen when she brought up oral sex by refusing to talk about it. When Ellen persisted, Regina shifted to option two: She agreed to talk about it, but acted like this was a huge sacrifice
and burden. They had several brief conversations in which she made it clear she wasn’t happy doing oral sex, and that was suppose to be the end of that. Regina then moved to option three: She withdrew physically and emotionally for almost a month. However, none of these moves solved Regina’s problem. Ellen was still too important. Ellen’s mere desire to change their sexual relationship felt to Regina like a demand.

Regina thought a lot about getting out of the relationship, and decided she wanted to stay. Having exhausted her other options, Regina chose to strengthen her Four Points of Balance to counterbalance Ellen’s growing importance to her, though she didn’t think of it that way at the time. Regina decided she had to step up to the plate and face her sexual anxieties and discomforts.

When I say your partner becomes increasingly important to you, that doesn’t mean you like or love her more. It simply means your partner becomes more central in your life. Things like joint bank accounts, raising kids, and having mutual friends and linked identities will do it. Coparenting after divorce still gives your partner a pivotal role in your life (presuming you want to see your children). If you’re lucky enough to have a partner you love, the greater and longer your love, the more she becomes irreplaceable.

Sooner or later, depending on your Four Points, your partner becomes
too
important to desire. Low desire surfaces as you attempt to diminish the tremendous impact she has on your life now and the eventual loss you’ll feel when she dies. For Regina and Ellen, their impending relocation and alteration of lifestyle, friends, and finances exceeded the strength of their Four Points of Balance. This move was saying they were life-mates.

You don’t have to have something going wrong in your relationship to have sexual desire problems. All you need is the mere passage of time. The forces of differentiation will catch up with you. When your partner becomes more important to you than the strength of your Four Points of Balance, you can start kissing sex goodbye. This is often why desire fades
in long-term relationships: Maintaining sexual desire requires continued growth. Unfortunately, lots of us think we don’t have to grow once we’re a couple because our partner has to accept us as we are.

In the same way things go on between partners that trigger and support growth, there are things that limit it. Our animal nature leads us to avoid discomfort. Mammals evolved group behaviors that reduce anxiety (herding being a prime example). When our reflected sense of self showed up, human interpersonal anxiety regulation became incredibly more sophisticated—and terribly more important. Clever humans evolved interactions that regulate their anxiety but don’t involve growth.

People regulate their anxieties by interacting with others, the same way they regulate their reflected sense of self. I call this
anxiety regulation through accommodation
. By giving in, accommodating, and avoiding particular topics, one partner can regulate both partners’ anxieties. It also happens by giving up on contentious issues when challenged (“folding”). This pattern is normal, everyone does it—and sometimes it’s the best thing to do. However, couples who normally
depend
on anxiety regulation through accommodation have great difficulty curing sexual boredom.