Into the Flames (Out of the Ashes Book 2) (7 page)

“Sweetheart, did it ever occur to you that maybe I needed someone to talk to about everything that was happening between us?  If you saw love in my face in any of those pictures it’s because most of our time together was spent discussing you and our relationship.”  Well, fuck, I hadn’t even considered that.  “Sweetheart, do you really think so little of yourself or what we had to think that I could get over you so easily?”

Yes.  There goes my insecurity again.  God, this has
me reduced to a woman who doesn’t even know herself.  There’s no way I can tell him this though.  “No, but the pictures, there were so many of them.  You two were nearly inseparable or at least that’s what it looked like.  And I was here all alone and so scared and oh god, Ian…”  I can’t stop the tears; he was telling me everything I wanted to hear and yet he still had left me for all that time. 

“Shit, Lauren, I’m so sorry.  Please I didn’t mean to hurt you.  I just needed some time and then work came up.  Honestly, I only had lunch with her a few times
and then she asked me to accompany her to a couple events because her
fiancé
,” he stresses this word as if I would miss it, “is out of the country.  One of which was for the same foundation I support here, the American Heart Association, since you know how much that means to me.”  He gives me a sad smile.  I knew events like that and talking about it made him think about his father.  His father would have been so proud of the man he had become.  “Funny thing about it though.  You know normally all I think about at our charity event here is my father.  But this time all I thought about was you.  How ironic that the one woman my dad had always gushed about, had always tried to push me toward, was the one I loved more than my own life?  Honestly, I think he may have had a little crush on you himself.  He would get a good chuckle out of this whole situation.  Well minus the shit with Dean, of course.”

His eyes were glued to mine.  “Sweetheart, I’m sorry I didn’t call or respond to you.  I wasn’t trying to be cruel.  But I knew if I was around to see what that bastard did to you I would hunt him down and kill him.  I had to get away before I did something that would damage us forever.  I feel so stupid now.  You needed me, more than you probably ever have and I abandoned you.  Jesus, I can’t believe I’m so foolish.”

I stare in shock.  When he began I was sure he was saying goodbye and now, well, now it seems like he’s saying something else entirely.  “Stunned you speechless huh?  Well, I always love it when I can accomplish that.”  He smiles, a real Ian smile, the panty dropping smile that he saves just for me.  “Sweetheart, how could you even think I would want anyone besides you?”

Because I feel like I’m going crazy, like this whole situation with you, Dean, everything has me hanging on to my sanity by a single thread and that thread is beginning to fray. 
“I just thought it would all be too much.  I didn’t want to keep it from you.  I really did want to tell you but first I was afraid what you would think of me and now, now I’m afraid of what will happen once you know everything.  I’m afraid of what he will do to you and to everyone that I love.  I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to any of you.”

“Lauren,” my name falls from his lips like a prayer, “
you are perfect.  There is nothing about you that I don’t love.  You are everything to me.  Please don’t push me away.”

Instantly I’m melted by his words but are they enough?  Is his love for me and mine for him enough of a reason to risk whatever Dean may be planning?
Should we just walk away from this now? “Ian, I don’t know how to explain it.  But I knew what he was doing to me was wrong.  I’m so ashamed that I stayed even though I knew he would hurt me.  It’s almost like I welcomed the pain.  Dean is like two people.  There were times when I could really believe that he loved me and it was those times I would use against myself when he would hurt me.  I was sure when you knew the truth, knew how weak I truly was that you wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of me.  There were so many times I wanted to tell you.  So many times I tried but couldn’t find the words.  I know that’s no excuse but I wanted you to know that I wanted to tell you.  I kept waiting for that perfect moment.  Gavin told me it would never come and I just needed to tell you but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it.  I was afraid you would hate me and push me away.  But there are many more things I need to say to you and I need you to hear me through.”

“Lauren,” he caressed my name with his tongue. “It is so easy to call you that.  Almost effortless.  I thought after all the time I spent with Celeste; it would be difficult but it just comes naturally.”  He smiles and takes my hand.  “I understand there are things we need to discuss and more that needs to be said.  So let’s just take this slowly for now and get everything out in the open.  I want to be with you but I need to know you, all of you, first.”

I give him a light smile but it doesn’t reach my eyes and I’m sure he notices the sad look in them.  I’m so torn.  Part of me is grateful that he’s willing to go slow and talk all this through but another part wants to forget it all and forge ahead at full steam, to be in Ian’s arms and have him take all the pain away.  “I understand that you must be feeling as if you don’t know me at all but really I’m the same person.  Well, maybe not the same person as you met the very first time, but I am same person as you met that night at the club and that day in your office.  I have some of the same insecurities Lauren had combined with the strength and resilience of Celeste.  I’m trying to make my way forward, out of the fear but it’s proven difficult.  I’m finally getting some help to deal with everything that has happened but I need you here with me to get through this.”

“Sweetheart, I know that you are a strong, sometimes stubborn woman.  I love everything about you.  I will be right beside every step of the way but I need to know everything.  There can be no more secrets.”

No more secrets.  There’s so much that he needs to know, but I have no idea where to start.  My feelings for Ian are much deeper than they were last year.  Granted they started as a schoolgirl crush that summer so many years ago.  Ever since then they were always there just below the surface.  The slightest scratch brought them out immediately.

“I saw you at your father’s funeral.  I wanted so badly to comfort you but you were with your family and had a fiancé.  I had some time that day to talk with your mother though.  Daddy was devastated.  Robert was one of his best friends.  He knew the company and everything was good in your hands but he worried about the toll that the loss would take on your family.  I tried to talk to you that day; I had no idea what I would say but I wanted to be by your side, though I knew I couldn’t, not in the
way I truly wanted.”  Ian looks at me cautiously, unsure of where I’m going with this conversation.

Then seeming to understand he speaks before I
can continue.  “I was at your father’s funeral as well.  It brought back so many memories of him and my father and I knew the loss had to be crushing you and your mother.  My mother was barely coherent; after the loss of my father, she never handled loss well.  I told myself I needed to be strong for her.  Losing him so suddenly, tragically.  I had those same feelings for you.  I watched you for hours; talking to people, trying to smile at the stories they would share.  I wanted to wrap you in my arms and take all your pain away.  Then another man, Dean, did what I’d wanted to do.  He walked up behind you and wrapped his arms around you.  You crumbled into him.  I saw him scoop you up and carry you up the stairs.”  He blinks back the pain that comes with the memory.  “I wish I knew then how he treated you.  I know we didn’t know each other but I would have fought for you even then.”

“I looked for you at Daddy’s funeral but never saw you.  I did talk with your mother and she was a great comfort.  I should have known I couldn’t hide who I was from her.  She is the mother I always wish I had.  As you know my mother and I, well, we don’t get along to put it mildly.  She wishes I never existed so I stay away and don’t exist.  If it wasn’t for Dean, I could have left and no one would have ever come looking for me.  I could have escaped the pain but…”  I let my voi
ce trail off because we both know that Dean’s definitely around and he isn’t finished with me yet.

Ian put
s his hand on my arm and pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me.  “I couldn’t do it then but I can do it now and nothing will stop me from keeping you in my arms.”  He places a gentle kiss on my lips.  “I know you want me to understand how much you love me; I know you were at my dad’s funeral, I know what you said to my mother.  She told me later what a comfort
you
were to her.  I know how my father felt about you and how I hard I tried to hide what I felt about you after that first meeting.  We share some of our past but there is more that I need to know about you.  However, I don’t think one night will be sufficient for everything that we need to say to each other.  I’m not sure one lifetime could ever be enough for me.”

I’m not sure what to make of his statement.  Is he trying to tell me that he still wants a lifetime with me or is he saying that even with a lifetime we can’t overcome this?  I want to believe that it’s the former but with all that’s happened the latter seems more plausible.  But Ian has
a way of seeing into me and sensing my doubt.  His mouth covers mine.  It feels like years since I’ve inhaled his scent, touched him, and tasted him.  I can’t get enough.  I know we have a lot more to work through but in this kiss, I can’t help but hope our future is still together.  He pulls away from me after several minutes, panting.  My chest heaves from the arousal running through me but there’s still so much more that needs to be said.  “Ian.”  It’s a plead this time.  He kisses me again, consuming me as only he can.  “I’ve missed you so much.  I promise never to keep anything from you again.  I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me.  I will spend my life making it up to you, loving you.  Please just don’t leave me.”  I’m desperate.  There’s no more hiding, no more hiding anything including the feelings that I’m drowning in.  He needs to know how broken I would be if we didn’t make it but also to know that I understood if he couldn’t be with me. 

“Lauren, sweetheart, you are my life.  That hasn’t changed and never will.  We just have to figure out how to make our way from here.”

Daddy always prided himself on throwing me the best birthday parties.  The one he held the weekend before my 21
st
birthday was no exception.  However by the time the party began, I didn’t care in the slightest about attending.  I was upstairs at my parents’ house getting ready for the evening when Dean burst in.  “Where the hell have you been?”  He growled as he lifted me out of the chair and turned me to face him. 

“Dean, what’s the matter?” 

“I asked you a fucking question, bitch and I expect a fucking answer.  I have been trying to get ahold of you all day.  So where the fuck have you been?”

“I told you last night I was coming over here this morning to have brunch with my parents and then
staying to get ready for the party.”

“Lauren, do you think I could have gotten where I am today if I was stupid?  I saw you with Brad again at lunch this week and I know you were with him this morning.” 

Are we back to this again?  “Yes, Brad and I had a business lunch this week.  It happens when you work in accounting that you need to go over budgets with the project directors.”  My anger and sarcasm aren’t containable.  I should know better by now since our engagement his moods have been erratic at best.  “There’s nothing I can do about that.  But I’ve only been at my apartment and here this morning.  No where else.  When are you going to learn to trust me?  This behavior is becoming more than I can take.  If you won’t trust me, we should end this now.”

His grip on my arms tightened
, cutting off the flow of blood and I knew there would be bruises there tomorrow.  “You’ll never leave me.  Do you understand that, you bitch?  Never.  Have I made myself clear?”  His eyes held a sadistic glow.  “As for Brad, I can guarantee you won’t ever have to have lunch with that project director again as I fired him a few minutes ago.  You are mine, Lauren.  You’ll be my wife and mine forever in just a few months.  It would be to your benefit to remember that.  Now take off that robe.  I need to know that you’re all mine.”

“Dean, please you’re hurting me.  Don’t do this.  I think we need to stop now.  I can’t marry you.  You must know that.  Look at how you are acting.  How can you say you love me and then treat me this way?”  I couldn’t control the sobs and tears; the pain was too much but his words hurt me more than his hands. 

A menacing gleam filled Dean’s eyes as he ripped the robe from my body.  “You are mine.  I will never let you go.  Remember that.  This body is mine to do with what I like and you’ll give me what I want, whenever I want it.”  He pushed me onto my knees and freed himself from his jeans.  Before I could even protest, he thrust himself into my mouth.  “Suck me off like the good little whore you are.  Show me how much you like it.”  He laced his fingers behind my head and plunged to the back of my throat.  “Shit baby.  You know how much I love this mouth of yours.  Fucking best mouth I’ve ever had.”  With a few more thrust, I felt warm liquid run down the back of my throat.  It was all I could do not to throw up.  I felt sick and my mind was spinning.  Things had been bad with Dean before but this was on another level.  I’d never been so scared.  He picked me up from the floor and brought me to the bed.  He shed his clothes and wrapped his hand around himself, working himself up again.  “Now to punish this cunt.  Have you been giving out this sweet pussy to other men?”  He slammed into me and I cried out.  “Answer me, whore.  Who else have you given this to?”

My stomach was rolling, my ches
t heaving with the sobs I couldn’t hold back and my face was streaked with tears.  “Dean, you know I’ve never been with anyone but you.”

“This cunt is
mine.  Do you understand?  I’ll use it whenever I like, however I like.  Ah shit.  Best fucking cunt I’ve ever had too.”  He continued to thrust as he reached for my breast and rolled my nipple between his fingers.  As his thrusts became harder lifting my hips with one hand so he could go deeper, he took my nipple in his mouth.  I cried out again in pain as he bit down so hard I knew he drew blood then came inside me.  Without removing himself from me, he rolled us onto our sides and wrapped his arms around me.  “Don’t ever think about leaving me, Lauren.  I’ll kill you before I ever let another man have what’s mine.  And then I will kill him too for trying to take what’s mine.  Do you understand?  I want us to be perfectly clear on this point.  You’ll never, and I mean, never be with anyone but me.” 

His arms became tighter and in a few moments I could tell from his even breaths that he was asleep.  I continued to sob into my pillow until he woke a couple hours later.  His eyes grew wide at the sight of me in his arms.  “Oh shit baby.  I’m so sorry.  I just get so crazy when I think about you with another man.  I’m so sorry I hurt you.  Please, forgive me.  Shit!”  His hand went to the dried blood on my chest then up my arms to the fingerprints that were now clear.  “Fuck, baby.  I’m sorry.  Please just don’t do it again and I won’t have to get so mad.  Please, Lauren.  I love you; you can never leave me.”  His hands made their way down to my folds.  He circled my clit with his thumb and ran his fingers through my folds.  “Baby,
you feel so fucking good.  You’re incredible.”  He kissed me gently waiting for me to return his kiss but I just continued to cry.  “Lauren, I fucking said I was sorry.  Please just be with me when we do this.”  His other hand found my uninjured breast and began to knead it until my nipple hardened.  My fucking body was betraying me.  The last thing I ever wanted to do was be with him again. 

This wasn’t love.  It was sick; he was sick.  As he continued his ministrations, I felt myself grow wet.  “See baby you fucking love it.  You love having me in you.”  He positioned himself at my entrance and slowly lowered into me.  “Damn this cunt is fantastic.  I love how tight it grips me.  Just thinking about
it makes me want to come right now.”  His movements were slow and steady.  His thumb continued to circle my clit. 

“Come for me baby.  I want this time to be good for you too.  For you to know how good I, and only I, can make you feel.  I need you to understand that this body, everything you are, is mine.”  He pumped harder but never to the point of pain.  My orgasm rocked my body though the tears never stopped.  I didn’t say one word the whole time.  He came in me again with several loud grunts.  As he pulled from me, the sadistic gleam was back in his eyes.  “Your cunt is so much better than your mother’s.”  My eyes grew wide at his conf
ession.  “That’s right baby; I’m fucking you both but you are so much better.  Remember anywhere, anytime and I won’t need to fuck her anymore.  Now you need to get cleaned up and ready for your party.  I’ll see you downstairs in a couple hours.”  He reached for the door knob then turned back to me.  “Oh and Lauren make sure you wear the dress with the off the shoulder straps to cover those bruises.  Hurry up now.  If you make me wait too long, I won’t be as kind to you later as I was earlier.”  With that he walked from the room.

Suddenly time and space shifted.  I knew this was a terrible nightmare but nothing could pull me from it.  My mind ra
ced on ahead going places I vowed never to visit again. 

My actual birthday, the day that would haunt me for years afterward
s, arrived a few days after the party and Dean decided to show me just what he meant by anytime, anywhere right there in my office.  That day, however, it wasn’t Dean’s actions that completely broke my heart. My life with him was a mistake, I knew that from the night of his proposal but after today, there would be no way to be free of him ever except death.

Dean had finished with me and was in the bathroom washing up when my intercom buzzed.  “Lauren, I’m sorry.  I know you did not want to be disturbed but they said it’s urgent.” 

Slowly slipping from the sofa, I went over to the desk.  “That’s okay, Tracy.  What’s going on?”  There was a hesitation on the other end.  I could tell from the pregnant pause that whatever I was about to hear wouldn’t be good news.  Dean must have sensed my tension as he came out of the bathroom because he plucked me out of the chair, sat down and pulled me onto his lap.  Once his arms were securely around me, Tracy continued, “I have the Santa Clara County Sheriff’s office on the phone.  Lauren, there’s been an accident.  Your father…”  Tracy was hysterical at this point and cut off the intercom.  I picked up the phone and hit the button next to the flashing light.  He would be fine, everything was fine.  I tried to reassure myself.  But the dread captured my soul down to the core. 

No, no it’s nothing but a simple accident, maybe even a misunderstanding.  Yeah, they are probably contacting the wrong person.
  It will be fine.  Dean’s grip on my waist tightened.  “Lauren Carmichael?  This is Sergeant Lucas with the Sheriff’s Department.  Miss Carmichael, I’m sorry to have to tell you this over the phone but there was an accident.  Your father, I’m sorry.  The paramedics did everything they could.  I’m sorry.  He passed on the flight to the hospital.  I’m so sorry, miss.”  I couldn’t hear anything else he said through my screams and sobs.  If Dean wasn’t holding onto me I would have crumbled to the floor.  Tracy rushed in and wrapped her arms around Dean and I. 

While trying to soothe me, Dean reached down and picked up the phone from
my lap where I had dropped it.  I could hear some of what he was saying.  “This is her fiancé…  What’s happened?  Yes, I understand…  As soon as she is able, I will bring her down.   Thank you Sergeant.”  Then he placed the phone back in its cradle.

“I have to go to my mother.”  I could barely make my mind function.  I had just talked to him a few hours ago; if Dean hadn’t interrupted I was supposed to have gone to lunch with him.  Instead we made plans to go hiking and camping this weekend and now he was gone.  My knees gave out and I vomited all over the floor. 

After getting me cleaned up, Dean cradled me in his arms.  “I’m taking her home,” he said to Tracy.  Tracy nodded and said she would take care of things here.  As we made our way down the elevator, I felt the darkness consume me.

“I think she’s in shock,” I heard my mother say.  “Who knows how long she’ll be out?  Fuck Dean, what the hell?  She was supposed to be with him.”  At first I thought maybe she
was relieved that I wasn’t in the car with him.  Since the engagement, my mother had been surprisingly loving toward me, taking me shopping, for spa days and ladies’ lunches.  My mother had never willingly spent time with me before, only when forced to do so by my father.  Most of our alone time before now was spent with her casting disgusted looks at me and telling me how I had ruined her life.  Since the weekend I knew the truth of her actions.  Keep your friends close and enemies closer.  Apparently I fall into the latter category since we are both fucking the same man.

But as I opened my eyes, the look on her face was one of pure anger and hatred directed at Dean.  As if she was mad at him because I had not been in the car.  What the hell was going here?  I just wanted to slip back into the blackness where my mind was protected from all of her shit.  Dean reached down for my hand.  “Baby, are you alright?  Shit, I should have taken you to my house and not brought you here.  Baby, it’ll be alright.  I’m here with you.”  Looking at my mother, he continues, “I love you.  Please baby, let me take care of you.  I need to have you.”  I looked between them and could tell there was a silent conversation going on that I was not part of.  I wrapped my arms around Dean’s neck and let him carry
me from the house.  The only time I saw my mother after that was the funeral.  I never went back to what was her house now.  Dean collected my things and I remained with him until the night of my death.