My friends and I had begun to unravel all the ribbons and make the painful discoveries. My mother was not my mother. She was my half sister. My half sister was not my half sister. She was a complete stranger who had no past herself. What if one day, one moment early in my life, she had stopped and turned to me and said, "Cathy, it's time you knew the truth so that we can all live in a solid world, a world without thin ice."
What if she had given me the most precious gift of all? My real name, my identity, an opportunity to be someone and know the difference between my shadow and myself? What kept her from doing that? Who was she punishing? Or was she merely so full of hate that any act of love was beyond her?
Tied and bound by death she lay in the cold, dark earth behind our house like some piece of buried evidence that would easily convict all those who had helped create her. It was best not to think of her. Oh, do not think of her, Cathy. Run your hand over your forehead, I told myself, and wash the memory away as you would some ugly stain. Think of yourself as reborn. Light new candles, Cathy the Cat. Turn them against the darkness.
I thought all these things as I worked
mechanically beside my new sisters. They chatted and laughed, sang and giggled, and filled their ears and eyes constantly so as to keep out their own demons. Geraldine used to say "Work hard so you don't think about unpleasant thoughts." She was right about that, although I was sure she never dreamed I would think of her as one of those troubling thoughts.
The whole room, even the ceiling, was a flat black. She, Star, and Misty had moved the furniture out, taking the beds apart first and then removing all the drawers from the dressers. The room was completely bare. All the furniture and clothing was in the hallway near the stairs.
"Tomorrow, call the Salvation Army," Jade said. "They'll come by to pick up the furniture and the clothes." She looked at me. "Is there anything of hers you don't want to give away?"
"Good." She inspected the door closely. "Can this be locked somehow?"
"Why?" I asked.
"This room will be our sanctuary, our temple We don't want anyone in here, even by accident," she explained. Star looked at the door too.
"You'll have to replace this knob with one that locks then," she said.
"Okay. I'll pick up a new knob on the way here tomorrow," Jade promised.
"Let's get going then. It's late," Star said.
We went to clean up and I put on something nicer than a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt to wear to Star's house. Then I packed a small bag for my overnight stay. I couldn't help feeling anxious about it. I had never before stayed overnight in anyone's home but my own.
Jade called for her limousine and ordered the driver to take us to Star's after he had dropped off Misty and her, but I couldn't help trembling a little as I locked the front door and left. Jade sensed it the most, I thought.
"It will get easier and easier each time," she whispered. "Before long, you won't even give her a passing thought." She squeezed my hand and we all got into the limousine.
I clutched my overnight bag on my lap like I would a parachute and stared ahead.
"I hope you're both going to follow OWP rules and not eat too much fattening food," Jade told Star.
"When you have her over at your house, you'll be in charge of the menu. Your buffet wasn't exactly a Jenny Craig spread. Anyway, I'll thank you not to tell me and my granny what to have for supper," Star retorted. She shook her head at me.
"I'm just trying to--"
"Run everybody's life?" Star sang.
"Oh, what's the use? You can help only those who want to be helped," she told Misty, who raised her eyebrows. "You know that you didn't wash off all the paint. You've got a black streak on your left temple. How did you get paint there?"
Misty shrugged.
"If my mother asks, I'll tell her I helped paint a doghouse or something. Stop worrying about everything."
"From the way it looks," Jade said, "I'll be the only one who worries about anything. What time will you be back tomorrow?" she asked Star.
"Let's see," Star said slowly, "after Cat and I get our toenails done and we have our skin treatment, we'll do lunch at the Polo Club and then--"
"All right, you idiot, just tell me when you want me to be over," Jade moaned.
Star glanced at me, shrugged and said, "About noon, I suppose."
Jade made arrangements to pick up Misty and then they were both dropped off. Now that Star and I were alone in the limousine and heading for her home, I really grew nervous.
"Will your granny ask me lots of questions?" I wanted to know.
"Probably," Star said. "Don't try to lie. She's got some kind of built-in lie detector."
"Great. What will I do if she asks about Geraldine?"
"Tell her everything but her fortunate departure and subsequent burial," she instructed. "Don't worry. She's not nosey. She's just concerned. Thank goodness for that," she added, and gazed out the window. "Without her, I wouldn't know what to do. Rodney would probably end up in some orphanage and I'd become a lady of the street."
"You wouldn't really, would you?"
"Cat, when all you have is what you have, you don't have any other choice sometimes. But forget it. We have it all now. We have each other," she added.
"Yes," I said. "We have each other."
Star's granny had an apartment on the first floor of a building in Venice Beach. Because of the apartment's location in the building, it had a rear entrance to a small patch of land covered with an anemic lawn, spotty and, according to Star, often cluttered with garbage of one sort or another.
"My granny takes it on herself to keep it as cleaned up as possible. A few times I caught her carrying away old tires. I don't know where she gets the strength and it doesn't do any good to bawl her out for it either. She just shakes her head and says 'What has to be done, has to be done.' That's Granny," Star explained as the limousine pulled to the curb.
Star's neighborhood looked seedy and worn, some of the small homes in desperate need of whitewashing, their sidewalks cracked and chipped, their gates and walls broken, some with doors dangling on rusted hinges. Every once in a while, there was a house that was well kept; at least Star's granny wasn't the only one trying to maintain the grounds and the building.
"Granny says we're too close to the ocean here. The sea air eats away at everything."
What a contrast to Jade's estate, I thought. Star was right. We were all from different planets.
We got out and entered the building. Someone had scribbled graffiti on the wall with a thick marker.
"Uh-oh," Star said. "That's new. Tomorrow morning, Granny will be out here scrubbing. Don't say anything about it," she warned me, and she rang the buzzer. "I for- got my key," she explained.
A moment later, her brother Rodney opened the door for us. Star had called him a string bean and she was right. Even though he was about eight and a half years younger, he was already only a few inches shorter than she was. He had her nose and eyes, but I could see that whatever innocence and softness he still possessed was well hidden beneath his cautious and distrusting eyes. He lifted the left side of his mouth and tilted his head to shout back.
"It's just Star and her friend," he cried.
"You say 'Hello,' Rodney," Star lectured. "That's what you do first, and you don't go shouting who's here. You introduce people," she added, with a biting sharpness that actually made him flinch.
"Sorry," he said. "Hello."
"This is Cathy."
He nodded at me and I said hello, but barely loud enough to hear myself. It brought a tiny smile to his lips. "Did you break your leg?" he asked.
"No, just fractured my ankle."
"Oh." He looked disappointed. Then he turned and sauntered down the short hallway, lifting his shoulders with pride. He stopped at the doorway of the kitchen.
"Star's back," he said, and stepped away for us to enter.
Granny Anthony wiped her hands on a dish towel and turned to greet us. The aroma of her cooking filled my nostrils. Despite the worn, tired look of all the furniture, the floor, the appliances, and even the walls, I could see how well kept and clean her kitchen was. She beamed a wide smile at us.
"Welcome honey," she said.
Star's grandmother had smooth, rich skin with just the tiniest wrinkles at her eyes and at the corners of her mouth. Her big, round eyes were full of warmth.
She wasn't more than five feet four inches tall, but she held her head high and proud. She had smoke gray hair brushed back and tied neatly in a bun.
"Thank you for inviting me," I said.
"Are you in any pain, dear9" she asked me.
"No, I'm fine."
"Good. Y' all make yourselves at home. We got fried chicken, mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas, corn on the cob, and a peach pie Rodney helped me bake."
"Did not," Rodney said quickly, embarrassment filling his eyes.
"You cut the peaches, honey," she insisted.
"That's nothing," he said, glancing at me.
"Without cutting himself," Star contributed. "That's good."
"Oh, he never cuts himself, Star. Don't go teasing him"
"Okay, Granny. C'mon," she said to me. "I'll show you where to leave your things. I'll be right out to set the table, Granny."
"Done," Granny announced. "Rodney did it."
"I didn't do all of it," he protested. Helping with domestic chores obviously made him very selfconscious.
"Thanks, brother," Star told him, and reached up to run her hand through his hair, but he jerked away quickly and she laughed.
No matter how she teased and admonished him, I thought, it was easy to see the love between them. Already, I was jealous. The warmth among them was palpable. I welcomed the opportunity to be washed in it.
Star's room was very small and crowded. Pieces of furniture touched. It was possible to approach her bed only from one side because of the tiny space between the one dresser and the bed frame. Rodney's cot was against the other wall. He had a poster of Michael Jordan above his bed. That and a few other sports pictures were all the decorations. Even his dreams were rationed in this room, I thought sadly. I also imagined he had just about outgrown the cot.
"Just drop your overnight bag on the dresser," Star instructed. She went to her narrow closet and sifted through some of her garments. "I'll just change into this dress," she said, holding up a maroon tank dress that reached mid-calf. "Granny expects it," she whispered.
"Oh. Maybe I should have worn something nicer," I thought aloud.
"No, that's fine. Why don't you wash up while I change," she said and pointed out the bathroom in the hall
A few minutes passed and then I heard a knock on the door.
"Can I come in?" Star asked.
"Sure, I'm just fixing my hair." I answered, and opened the door for her.
"Sorry about the intrusion," she said as she washed her hands and then started to tie back her hair. "Our mansion only comes with one bathroom."
"Maybe I should have put on some of that new makeup Jade brought me," I said.
"Not for Granny. She hates when people put on airs and she'll let them know, too. You're fine," she said. She gazed at herself once more and then we went out to the small living room where Rodney was watching television. He glanced at us and then looked back at the set.
"What did you do all day, Rodney?" Star asked him. "Nothing Played some hoops with Sandy in back of the school for a while," he added.
"Did that Cokey come by again?"
He hesitated.
"What happened?" she asked before he could even think of something to make up.
"Same thing:' he said, without looking at her.
"This kid about Rodney's age works for a drug dealer and tries to hook his friends," Star explained.
"Rodney's age?"
"Yeah. He flashes his wad of money and tempts other people, right, Rodney?"
"I dunno," Rodney said.
"But Rodney is smarter than him Right, Rodney?"
"Yes," he said quickly.
"Because he knows if I ever catch him with that stuff, I'd turn him into the police myself, right, Rodney?"
"I didn't take nothing," he snapped at her, and then looked at the television set.
"I hope not," she muttered. "I hope not," she whispered to me.
We went into the kitchen to see if there was anything we could do.
"Everything is just about ready," Granny Anthony said. "I hope you came with a good appetite, child," she told me. "I didn't have much lunch," I said.
"Oh? Why not?" she asked.
"I was so busy today. We're redoing some of my house. Ourselves," I added. "Sometimes, when you're so involved, you forget to eat."
Granny laughed.
"Isn't that the truth. Okay, Star, you take in the bowl of mashed potatoes."
"Can I help?"
"Oh no, no. You got enough to do with those crutches. Rodney Fisher," she cried.
He popped into the doorway quickly.
"Need some help here, child."
He rushed to his grandmother's side to help her and Star bring out the dinner.
Everything was as delicious as the aroma had promised. I couldn't believe how tasty the chicken was. When I was offered more, I was unable to resist. I looked at Star who knew I was thinking about Jade and her plans to have us all eat healthy.
"Don't worry about it," she muttered.
"So, how's your momma these days?" Granny Anthony asked. "Has the commotion settled down some?"
"Yes," I said, hoping my voice didn't shake.
"You girls all have had it hard from what Star tells me, but she says it's all going to be okay. When you're young, you can hold a lot on your shoulders if you have a mind to. Just remember, child, at the end of every storm, there's a bright sky and sometimes, a beautiful rainbow. Keep your eyes fixed ahead and nothing will seem too hard."
"Where's your rainbow, Granny?" Star asked sharply.
Granny Anthony patted her hand.
"It's coming, child. It's coming."
"So's Christmas."
"Now don't you go and mumble
discouragement, Star. Half the time we make our own dark clouds and wonder why there's so much rain falling on our heads. Does your mother work, Cathy?"
"No, ma'am."
"But you all are taken care of?"
"Yes, ma'am," I said. "For now."
"That's half the battle, half the battle. Rodney, you're not wiping your hands on your pants, are you?"
"No, Granny," he said, his eyes wide. "Or my fancy tablecloth?"
He shook his head.
"Well, you're wiping on something, and your napkin's still folded."
"I'm not wiping on anything, Granny," he protested. "He's been licking his fingers dry," Star said, coming to his rescue. "Thanks to your good cooking."
"Oh, this is just an ordinary meal," she said. She sat back. "When I was a lot younger, I made some real fancy dinners. My husband was alive then and we had people in and out of our house day and night. Banquets is what we had, real banquets."
"This is a banquet as far as I'm concerned," I said, and she smiled. Then she turned serious.
"Is your mother a good cook?" she asked.
"She never cooked anything fancy," I replied, still skating around the truth.
"Even when your daddy was there?" she followed. "Cathy doesn't like talking about those days, Granny," Star interceded.
"Oh. Sure. I understand. It's a shame though. All you children not having a real home life. It's a shame."
"We'll survive," Star muttered.
"Sure you will. Why shouldn't you? More mashed potatoes, honey?" she asked me.
"Oh, no. I'm stuffed like a turkey," I said, and she laughed.
"She's been hanging around you I see," Granny told Star.
"I wish I had some nicer quarters for y'all to sleep in tonight. Rodney's going to take the couch tonight."
"I am?" he asked.
"You can't be in the same room as the girls, Rodney." "Oh," he said.
"I hate to put anyone out," I said.
"Rodney isn't put out. He likes sleeping on the couch. Some nights, he falls asleep there and I don't have the heart to wake him," Granny said.
We all laughed, but Rodney turned away, embarrassed.
It was a great feeling being there among them, eating the wonderful food, feeling their love and warmth. When we had first driven up, I had felt sorry for Star, even ashamed for her, but now, I felt sorrier for myself, and even for Misty and Jade.
"This house isn't anything compared to some of the places I slept when I was a young girl," Granny told us and described some of her experiences when she traveled with her parents years and years ago. Her language was colorful, vivid, and when she talked, I could almost feel what she felt reliving the events.
We were having a wonderful time I actually put all the events of the last few days behind me. I didn't once think about Geraldine, about the letters and the discoveries. If I could move in here with them, I thought, I would, and I'd be willing to sleep on the couch each and every night to do it, too.