It Gets Better (9 page)

 

Danny McNie (
Miss Saigon
):
I was thrown against a fence and had my pants pulled down, just to prove to that group of guys—boys—that I was a boy.

 

Tony Gonzalez (
Mamma Mia!
):
One morning when I was fifteen years old, a freshman in high school, I came outside to the entire side of my house spray-painted with terribly profane pictures and words.

 

Chris Nichols (New York talent agent):
I would show up to high school and my locker would be Super Glued shut. People would kick me, people would beat me up.

 

Jeremy Leiner (
Bombay Dreams
and New York talent agent):
This kid came up and pointed at me, stopping with his crowd, and said, “Fag.” And they all just laughed and walked away. I remember how humiliated I felt; I wanted to just crawl in a hole and hide.

 

Raymond J. Lee (
Mamma Mia!
):
Because of all this pressure from my parents, from my Christian friends, I actually attempted to take my life.

 

J. B. Wing (
High Fidelity
):
I tried to take my own life. And I can't tell you how much I thank God that I was not successful in that attempt.

 

Corey West (
South Pacific
):
I remember hearing so much in school and in church about praying. That if I just prayed, it would go away. So at night I would pray so hard, and I would cry, just asking for these feelings to go away.

 

Jose Llana (
Spelling Bee
,
The King and I
,
Rent
):
I'm from a Filipino Catholic background. I was born in the Philippines and moved to the States when I was really young. At a certain point, as a kid, I knew I was gay but I didn't know how to tell my parents. As a Catholic, there were times I felt like I was the biggest failure to my family, my country, and my faith.

 

Ben Franklin:
I grew up Southern Baptist, deeply immersed in my religious background, and as a young gay man, I was terrified. Fear was my bully. I was afraid I was going to lose my religion, my family, everything that I held dear to me. It ate me up inside.

 

Alex Quiroga (
Wicked
):
It's a really different time, and I know that it's hard. And I am sure that you're sick of hearing everybody say, “I know how you feel. It gets better.” And we don't really know how you feel because we're not you. But if you are feeling hopeless and you are thinking about doing something drastic, maybe hurting yourself or even suicide, don't, because then they win.

 

J.B. Wing:
When I first came to New York to pursue my acting career, I got a survival job in an office. My first day walking in to that office I heard the soundtrack to Barbra Streisand's
Yentl
playing through the speakers, and the owner came out, wearing freedom rainbow rings in her ears, and shook my hand. I remember thinking, “Oh, my gay God. I'm home.”

 

Ben Franklin:
There are angels out there willing to lift you up and take care of you and give you wings to help you become the person you were meant to be, to help you discover the gifts you were born with.

 

Jose Llana:
I've used that confidence and that self-assurance to help propel myself into a pretty happy career and a pretty happy life. I've got a partner I've been with for five years, and we're looking to buy an apartment together. And one day I hope to have kids, too.

 

David Beach (
Urinetown
,
Mamma Mia!
):
I never expected to have such a beautiful baby girl or such a great husband. It gets so much better. Just think, you could grow up to have a boring life like me!

 

Jim Daly (
Altar Boyz
and New York talent agent):
Today, I have a family with two wonderful women—two wonderful women I didn't know even know were lesbians back then. They didn't even know, and now we have three beautiful kids together.

 

Brian Charles Rooney (
The Threepenny Opera
):
I've been in a relationship with my partner for eleven years. And I can't imagine what his life would be like without me.

 

J.R. Bruno:
Next month, I plan to propose to my boyfriend. I'm excited.

 

Kevin Crewell (
Jersey Boys
,
Spamalot
):
Talk to somebody. That's what I kind of wish I'd done. I kept it all bottled up inside.

 

Danny McNie (
Miss Saigon
):
If you're having a bad day, know that it gets better. Know that you have an army behind you. When you get a little bit older, you will find a home. And you will find a family of friends who will love the hell out of you.

 

Alex Quiroga:
I'm surrounded by a lot of people who support me and love me for who I am. You'll get there. I promise.

 

Ben Sands (New York talent agent):
I've created this incredible community of people around me—friends and family—that I absolutely love and treasure, which was hard to imagine when I was that little, scared fifteen-year-old boy coming out of the closet.

 

Chris Nichols:
Call somebody. Look at these videos, there are thousands. Know that you are not the only one.

 

Steven Strafford (
Spamalot
):
One of the greatest things about my life is the amount of people who know who I really am. Just live in truth and try to find people who will understand. It will free you.

 

Bryan Johnson (
Mamma Mia!
):
You know why everybody's making videos and writing their stories for this project? Because you matter.
You
matter. Don't let anyone define you with their hateful words and actions. Believe in yourself, no matter what they say or do. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Life is so wonderful with all its heartaches and joys. And the world is such an incredible, beautiful place. You deserve to be around to enjoy it. You deserve to have an amazing life.

UPSTATE NEW YORK

 

 

 

I
f you follow the media, or pop culture, you might think that all gay people live in cities and have a lot of money. Well, as a person who lives in the country and doesn't have a lot of money, I can tell you that not all gay people are urban or rich. I've been really happy being a big rural dyke. So, if you want to live in the country, or just can't move away, you'll be fine. And, if you don't have a ton of money, you'll be fine, too. You'll get yourself a job. There are plenty of good jobs out there for people who want to work hard. You'll be a butch dyke and you'll be hot. Everyone will love it. It will be good.

Work hard and then go do something fun on Saturday night, like go look at girls . . . that's better.

One of the nice things about being in the country is you don't have to deal with people all the time. There's land out there, and you can just get away. Go build yourself a little fort in the woods. In the rural areas I've lived, people are more concerned with what I can do and what skills I have, rather than who I'm involved with. Competence and confidence are sexy. If you live in the country, you just “know” how to do stuff—the ladies love that. Also, there's a long tradition of support for unconventional people in rural areas. Even when people are mean, you don't have to go too far to be reminded about how great it is to be alive because nature is so beautiful. You can do things now that will feel good and will give you something to talk about with people when you're older.

Growing up I only knew one person who was gay. I took a lot of crap for being how I was, and honestly, I didn't even know that I was gay then. Everyone else seemed to think they knew that I was gay, which was kind of hard. There wasn't a lot of help either in those days. If I had wanted to talk with someone about all of it, it wouldn't have been very welcomed.

My grandparents had an outhouse and a hand pump we used to have to use to get water out of the ground. They grew and canned their own food, and kept chickens. I've had it much easier than they did, but the skills I learned from my family have served me well. Now I live on a farm in upstate New York. I build chicken coops. When there's a problem with a building or machine, I can fix it. My parents are not glad that I am gay but they are proud of raising a daughter who can take care of herself and build things. My girlfriend and I have both tried living in urban areas but we didn't really like it. We choose instead to live as an out lesbian couple with her parents on their family farm. Every day we are so happy. I think that things are getting better, for everybody, even in rural areas.

I still struggle with feeling okay. A while ago, I was even hospitalized. I got treatment in a psychiatric hospital after becoming really depressed. My friend killed herself, and I didn't handle it well. Psych facilities in rural counties are rough places. I don't ever want to go back. When I say that it gets better, I am not saying it will always be easy. You will just have more choices about how to handle tough times. That's a big improvement.

I know that maybe right now it feels like you don't have a lot of choices, and maybe you don't. But things will open up. You have to just ride it out. As someone who has been there, I can assure you, it gets better. If you're living in the country, I'm sure there are some things that are kind of frustrating for you, and you're probably rockin' the flannel shirt every now and then, but that is going to be totally hot to somebody someday. It's gonna get real better.

FORT WORTH, TX

 

 

T
his year marks the fortieth anniversary of my high school graduation. As I look back across my life, I can remember times that weren't so good. I was a closeted gay man in a church setting that did not particularly congratulate young Christians for being gay or lesbian.

So when I received my call to the ministry, I was also living my way into what it meant to be gay. I remember very clearly making the decision that I would not be able to allow myself affection in this life if I were going to serve God in the church. It wasn't a very good decision. I was lonely for a lot of years.

I've served five churches as pastor, and every church I served grew. I was closeted all those years and always felt as though I had to look over my shoulder, fearing I would be discovered, or that I'd somehow slip up and give my secret away.

Carefully and slowly at first, I came out to a few selected friends and confidants where I lived and worked. While those moments of personal liberty were great, I found that partially coming out was not going to give me the freedom to be myself—not as long as the fear of exposure haunted me. A close friend of mine, to whom I had already come out, offered me some of the best advice I had have ever received. He said, “Steve, if there are no longer any secrets, then there can be no ambushes.”

I took what he said to heart, and made the decision to put secrets about my sexuality behind me. So twenty years ago, I came out—utterly, fully, and completely—and I wouldn't go back into the closet for anything in the world. I am able to tell you, person to person, that it does get better. Because now, as an ordained minister—and Baptist, at that—for the last thirty-three years, I've had a full, complete, and active religious life. I teach in a divinity school and I love what I do. I have the best job in the whole school, and wouldn't trade my job for any other job here. I love the students I teach; I respect the colleagues that I work with; I enjoy talking about God all day long; and I'm as out and free as I can be, partnered for the last eleven years with a wonderful man. We're even the proud parents of an English bulldog named Winston. He loves his two daddies, and we love him, too.

So, when it seems that things are about as bad as they can possibly be and the worries weigh upon you, like a murder of crows on top of your head, just tell yourself that Steve Sprinkle says it gets better. When I came out, I found out that I had a multitude of friends I just hadn't met yet—people who were willing to know me for exactly who I was. People in my church family loved and accepted me. Coworkers appreciated me even more than before I came out, because I had thought enough of them and myself to be honest about my personal life. And there were many friends and allies who just seemed to appear at my side out of nowhere, right when I needed their support and encouragement the most.

There were people who couldn't make the leap from the closeted person I had been to the open and honest gay man I became. I am sorry they could not accept the real me. But I can tell you that for each one of them who walked away from me because of my sexual orientation, scores of new friends arose in their place. I am so grateful that I have them all in my life.

I hope that if you are ever given to despair, you will take hold of hope with both hands. Never turn loose what gives you hope! Because you are going to find out that your life will get better. A lot better. And I hope down the road somewhere, I'll meet you in a divinity school classroom, and we can tell each other face to face, “You know what? It really did get better, for both of us.”