‘You mean the base rate. Which, in case you were interested, is still at a record low of 0.5 per cent.’
‘Whatever.’ Lizzy was getting increasingly annoyed. ‘OK, I admit the Happy Halo is a low point, but by and large I enjoy what I do. You can’t sit there and dismiss what I do for a living just because it doesn’t match up to your idea of what is “important” work.’ Oh God, she’d just made air quote marks at him like her mother!
‘And what would you say “important”’ – he did them back at her – ‘work is?’
‘Why does it have to be “important”? Why can’t people just go to work and have a laugh? Be nice to each other? Get along as a team? We’re not all on the hunt for solo glory.’ Lizzy sat back and crossed her arms. ‘Slagging off other people’s jobs is just rude, and rudeness is actually a sign of ignorance, so who’s the stupid one now?’
Elliot’s eyes had a sparkle in them. ‘I am sorry. I didn’t realize I was in the company of such brilliance. Please forgive me if I demeaned your esteemed profession in any way.’
‘Don’t worry, I’m used to it,’ she said. ‘You journalists may look down on the work we do as trivial and meaningless, but actually …’
She stopped. Her stomach was making really weird gurgling noises.
‘Are you all right?’ Elliot asked.
Oh God
. Antonia had deposited a suspicious brown bottle on Lizzy’s desk that morning. ‘Try this out, will you?’ she’d boomed. ‘A friend of mine has just started a new business up.’ Lizzy had been feeling pretty lethargic, so she’d taken a good gulp of the so-called ‘cleansing tonic’. Now it felt like a hand had reached in and was viciously squeezing Lizzy’s bowels. Surely Antonia wouldn’t have let her try anything dangerous?
She stood up. ‘Would you excuse me for a moment?’
Ten minutes later she was still locked in the café’s only toilet. An angry queue was forming outside.
‘How much longer are you going to be?’ a woman shouted. ‘I need to change my daughter’s nappy!’
Lizzy was going to need a nappy at this rate. There was a knock at the door. ‘I’ll be out in a minute,’ she groaned.
‘Lizzy, it’s me.’ Elliot lowered his voice. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Yes, just got my zip stuck!
Aaah!
’ she moaned.
‘Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘Perfectly,’ she panted.
A baby had started crying in the corridor.
‘What’s going on in there?’ It was a new voice. ‘This is the manager. I won’t tolerate you doing drugs in there.’
‘I’m not doing drugs!’ Lizzy shouted hysterically.
‘Then what the hell are you doing in there?’
At that moment the most enormous fart she’d ever heard erupted from Lizzy’s back end. It seemed to go on for ever, as if a balloon had deflated and was wailing round the room. When her nether regions finally shuddered into silence you could hear a pin drop.
Lizzy put her head between her legs and quietly wished to die. There was a cough from outside.
‘I really have to go,’ Elliot said through the door. ‘I’m interviewing Bill Gates at three.’
‘Say hi from me!’ Lizzy cried. ‘
Ow!
’ She was nearly ejected off the toilet as another violent spasm ripped through her body. What the hell had Antonia
given
her?
‘I can’t believe you had laxatives meant for a dog!’ Antonia chortled. ‘That is so bloody funny.’
Lizzy was only just back at work after an entire twenty-four hours on the toilet. She’d had to call a taxi to take her home from the café and ask the driver if he had a plastic bag she could sit on. It had turned out that Antonia’s friend, who was married to a vet, had given Antonia a bottle of high-strength lactulose that had been meant for a constipated dog, instead of the new product she was working on. Apparently Lizzy had taken enough to clear the bowels of an elephant.
‘You would have probably been all right with a Yorkshire terrier, but it was a prescription for a Rhodesian ridgeback.’
Antonia didn’t stop laughing all morning.
Lizzy felt delicate for the rest of the week. It was only on Saturday morning when she was off to see her brother that she felt truly confident about not being within ten yards of a bathroom.
Robbie met her at the train station in a new Audi 4x4.
‘When did you get this?’ Lizzy asked. It was neat as a pin inside, as if it was the first time anyone had driven it. Having witnessed the swamp-like conditions of her brother’s bedroom growing up, she couldn’t believe he was in possession of such a mature car.
‘A few months ago.’ He put his arm round the back of Lizzy’s seat and started reversing. ‘Hayley wanted something bigger.’
Lizzy opened the glove compartment. ‘Oh my God, you’ve even got a road atlas.’
‘Wait until you see my leather driving gloves.’ He gave his sister a horrible leer.
Robbie and Hayley lived on an estate on the edge of a large village. The houses were so identikit that Lizzy could never remember which one they lived in. Last summer there had been a particularly embarrassing incident when she’d farted through next-door’s letterbox as a practical joke on Robbie. Luckily the neighbours had been out.
The house was as immaculate as the car. There was a big baroque mirror in the hallway, and, above it, the word HOME was spelt out in decorative wooden letters.
‘Do you want to take your bag up?’ Robbie said. ‘I’ll go and stick the kettle on.’
Lizzy went into the smaller spare room. BE OUR GUEST had been stencilled in silver on the wall and a pillow on the bed had SWEET DREAMS embroidered on it. Even when Hayley wasn’t there she exerted her control-freak presence.
Lizzy went to use the bathroom, which had a helpful TOILETTE sign on the door. Inside there was another instruction on the wall to SOAK, RELAX, ENJOY. When she went back downstairs to the kitchen – sorry, the PANTRY – Robbie was making tea under a poster that said BON APPÉTIT.
‘Extra milky, one and a half sugars.’ He handed her a mug that said DOMESTIC GODDESS.
The work surfaces were empty apart from a set of red TEA, COFFEE and SUGAR canisters. WINE was spelt out in metallic letters above the bottle rack on the wall.
Lizzy pointed at the kettle. ‘You haven’t got a sign for it. How do you know what it is?’
Robbie looked at her. For a moment Lizzy wondered if she’d gone too far.
He pointed solemnly at the oven. ‘OVEN.’
It was her turn. ‘FLOOR.’
‘WINDOW.’
‘FRIDGE MAGNET.’
‘POT OF CORIANDER.’
‘AIR.’
They carried on the game until they were both in fits of laughter. ‘Hayley’s the one in charge of interior design,’ Robbie told Lizzy. ‘As long as I’ve got a sofa and a flat screen I’m happy.’
They went back into the living room. Lizzy sat down on a cushion that said LOVE. ‘Where is Hayley again?’
‘She’s gone to a spa with her friends. Champions?’
‘I think you mean Champneys.’
‘That’s the one. She said to say “hi” by the way, and to make yourself at home.’
They exchanged a look. Hayley’s idea of ‘making people feel at home’ was something of a contradiction. She had once made Lizzy drink red wine in the garden in December because they’d just had new cream carpets put down.
‘What do you fancy doing, kiddo?’ Robbie asked. ‘Hayley said we could go for a nice walk, or we could watch a film, or go to the garden centre … Oh, hold on.’
He put a coaster under Lizzy’s mug. ‘Hayley’ll go mental if we leave rings.’
Lizzy watched her brother sit back down. It was like looking at a shell of his former self. He was wearing slippers for God’s sake.
‘What do
you
want to do?’ she asked.
Robbie blinked, as if free thought was an alien concept. ‘I dunno. We could go for a walk?’
‘Do you want to go for a walk?’
A smile tugged on the corner of Robbie’s mouth, the smile he’d always got when he’d been about to convince Lizzy to do something naughty. ‘What I really want to do is get pissed.’
After six hours of solid drinking at the nearly deserted pub in the village, Lizzy and Robbie staggered home. When she’d fallen asleep on the pool table while lining up to take a shot they’d decided to call it a night.
Lizzy belched in a very unladylike fashion. ‘Have you got any sambuca at home?’
‘Don’t think so. We’ve got Baileys.’ Robbie suddenly sprang into the middle of the road. ‘DJ Lizard in da house!’
‘MC Robster on da decks!’
They both did the running man before chest-bumping each other. Lizzy lost her balance and fell into the verge. Robbie was cracking up as he pulled his sister up. ‘Come here, you muppet.’
They continued to weave down the dark country road, arms wrapped round each other. ‘I love you, DJ,’ Robbie slurred.
‘I love you too, MC.’
‘This is nice, just the two of us hanging out. Bruv and sis together!’
‘For-eva!’
‘I know! Let’s phone Lauren.’ Robbie fumbled for his phone and promptly dropped it on the road. ‘Oh bollocks, the screen’s smashed.’
‘Use mine.’
It took six
beeps
before Lauren picked up. ‘Hello?’
‘All right, Squirt! It’s your big sis and bruv!’
‘Are you drunk?’
‘Completely smashed.’ Lizzy put her other hand over one eye. If she did that she could see. ‘Where you, babes?’
‘Having dinner with Perry and his parents,’ Lauren hissed.
‘Send a high five from the Bromley massive!’
‘Yeah right, I don’t want them knowing my family are complete piss-heads.’
‘We love you, Squirt,’ Robbie bellowed down the phone.
‘I told you, don’t call me that! You two are so immature.’
‘We love you, Squirt!’ Lizzy shouted.
‘All right, I get it. Can I go now? The petits fours are here.’
The lane lit up as a set of headlights pulled up beside them.
‘Rob?’ A blonde girl was sitting behind the wheel of a huge silver 4x4.
He peered in the window. ‘It’s Michelle! Hi Michelle. You all right, mate?’ he said to the guy in the passenger seat. ‘This is my sister.’ Robbie put his arm around her. ‘DJ Lizard, Michelle and Rich.’
‘Hello,’ Michelle said suspiciously.
‘Where have you guys been?’ Robbie asked them.
‘Dinner party,’ Rich said. His eyes were dead.
‘What are you doing out here, Rob?’ Michelle asked pointedly.
‘We’ve just been to the pub and got totally pished.’
Michelle gave Lizzy an unfriendly look. ‘Does Hayley know?’
‘Probably not, I should tell her really.’ He slapped his forehead. ‘My phone’s dead.’
Rich leaned across. ‘Do you guys want a lift?’
Michelle looked like the last thing she wanted was a pair of drunkards in her pristine car. ‘We’re all right thanks, mate,’ Robbie told him. ‘The fresh air will do us good.’
They watched the car drive off. ‘Uh-oh,’ Robbie sighed. ‘That’s me in the doghouse.’
Back at home Robbie put The Stone Roses on at top volume and they danced round the living room with their shoes rebelliously on.
‘Do you think Hayley will mind us drinking the Moët?’ Lizzy slurred.
He looked up from fiddling with the Sony system. ‘It was only a present for being Michelle’s bridesmaid, I’m sure she won’t mind.’
By the time the pizza turned up they were both too drunk to eat. Robbie produced a dog-eared spliff from somewhere and they took the alpaca rug off the sofa and went to smoke in the garden.
They sat on the picnic bench under the rug and looked at the moon as they passed the joint between them. ‘How are the Two Amigos?’ Robbie asked.
‘Pretty good. Nic’s working her arse off these days, she’ll probably end up running the country by the time she’s forty.’
‘How about Poppet?’
‘Still the same. On the eternal hunt for the perfect man and/or matching sofa throw.’
Robbie stretched his legs out. ‘That guy still on the scene? What was his name, Pepperoni Pete?’
‘Pencil Dick Pete. And no, thank God. Why?’ Lizzy joked. ‘Are you interested?’
‘Don’t be daft.’ He gazed upwards. ‘I am
wasted
.’
‘Not as wasted as me.’ She could swear she’d just seen something that looked like a flying saucer.
‘Still, it’s been good hey? Just you and me, hanging out.’ Robbie had the wistful tone of a man on his last reprieve.
‘We can do it again you know. I’m sure Hayley won’t mind.’
‘If she gets another good Groupon deal on Champneys, maybe.’
Lizzy turned to look at her brother. His profile was in shadow, making his expression hard to read. Robbie had always been like a meandering river, ambling along at the same pace without any hiccups or interruptions. What was really going on under there?
‘Rob?’
‘Yeah?’
‘You are happy, aren’t you?’
He blew out a thick cloud of smoke. ‘What do you mean?’
‘With Hayley?’
‘Course I’m happy with Hayley. Why wouldn’t I be?’
Lizzy tried to assemble her words. ‘I just want to make sure that you’re with Hayley because, you know, you’re definitely sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. And not just because she’s got nice boobs and was the prettiest girl at school. Not that I spend much time looking at your girlfriend’s boobs,’ she added hurriedly.
‘You’re bonkers, Liz,’ he said affectionately.
‘Bonkers I may be,’ she said, ‘but you’re my big bruv and I care about you.’ She gave him a jovial nudge. ‘I just want to make sure that, you know, Hayley is “The One”! Whatever that may be!’
What she really wanted to do was shake her brother by the shoulders and shout, ‘DON’T YOU WORRY THAT YOU’VE JUST SETTLED?’
‘You don’t like her much, do you?’
‘Of course I do! She’s your girlfriend, Rob. If you’re happy then I’m happy.’
‘You don’t have to worry about me and Hayley.’
‘So you’re a hundred per cent sure? That she’s the one for you?’
‘How can anyone be a hundred per cent sure about anything?’ He was starting to sound a bit exasperated. ‘But I do know that Hayley’s good for me and I wouldn’t want to be without her.’
There was a moment’s silence. ‘Sorry, Robbo, I didn’t mean to go off on one. I’m just drunk and emotional.’
He stubbed the joint out on the patio and sat up. ‘People who are single have this idealized view of romance. It’s probably why they’re still single. Being in love isn’t all about red roses and high passion and drama. Sometimes you just find someone and knock along together. Me and Hayley, we’re a team.’ He waved his arm round. ‘We’ve bought a house together. I’ve got a two-grand barbecue with infrared sizzle burners. Isn’t that the sign of a man who’s in it for the long haul?’