It's a Guy Thing (32 page)

No matter how conflicted you feel inside, remain fully conscious of all your inner motives, “good” and “bad.” You
are
this force of consciousness. By choosing consciousness, you strengthen your true self, rather than getting lost in the inevitable conflict of inner voices that developed during your childhood, and that still blab on within you today.

17
Practical Exercises for Healing Your Relationship

What Can I Do When He Is in a Bad Mood?

The highest form of feminine radiance is love, which can be expressed in many ways. Men feed on this radiance. This love heals their hearts. When they receive it, men feel,
Yes! This is the woman I want to be with!
It is this radiance, this happiness, that shines through a man’s bad mood.

Nothing makes a man happier than your happiness. Plan tonight this way: Be as happy as possible and give your happiness as much as possible. Give your happiness in the way you enjoy it, with energy and creative imagination. Don’t imagine his negative reaction,
Oh, he’ll never accept it
. Give him happiness the way you want to.

Kiss him, hug him, hold him, tell him you love him, tell him how good it is to see him. Do whatever expresses your happiness. He might scowl and mumble, “I don’t feel like it. I feel horrible.” Don’t absorb his masculine refusal of life and energy. Transform the moment, literally, into a garden of life: music, loving affection, food and light. All of it is just an expression of your radiant happiness.

The feminine force is the force of life. Your happiness is the heart of this force. The masculine bad mood is all about dissociating from the force of life, but you don’t have to withhold your gift just because your man tends to refuse you. The masculine always tries to avoid or manipulate the force of life. Take this into account, humorously, and be happy. Your feminine force of life is your unique gift to your man, and, deep down, it’s what he wants from you, regardless of his resistance.

Men most readily receive their woman’s happiness and energy in a physical way. That’s why sex is often so important to a man: It’s one way he feels love directly through the body.

Imagine that your man is in a typical, one-sided masculine orientation to life.
He feels, Life sucks. I’ve had a horrible day at work
. You can lift him out of this by offering him the gift of bodily life in the garden. Suddenly he tastes something incredibly delicious. He feels something warm on his skin. His muscles relax in your love. He drinks deeply of your energizing radiance.

It’s the goddess coming to greet him which transforms his mood of “life is hell.” This is the largest gift you could give him and yourself; to be connected with your own love and happiness, whether or not he is willing to receive you. If you are relaxed in, and giving, your native feminine energy, and he will not receive it month after month, then either you are with the wrong man or he is a very slow learner.

How Can I Tell Him I Don’t Want to Be His Mother?

Your man probably treats you like mommy sometimes, and at other times he doesn’t. Specifically, when you are sexual with him he probably treats you like a grown man treats his lover, not as a little boy treats his mother. If this is so, then in the moment you feel he is treating you like mommy, shift the energy by being sexual with him. Be overtly sexual with him, on the spot. If you don’t want to go as far as sexual intercourse, at least touch him very sexually. This should instantly shift his energy from little boy energy to adult man energy.

It is good for him to be able to shift into his needy child energy now and then. But this energy could inhibit growth if it habitually pops up and prevents his full, masculine gift of love and integrity. The way to serve him is to help him feel
the difference between his little boy energy and his adult man energy. You can demonstrate the difference by touching him sexually when he is in his little boy energy, instantly evoking his adult, masculine sexual energy. He will feel the difference and be able to grow and take responsibility for his own masculine energy.

Instead of telling him what he should be doing, which would depolarize him, just touch him like a woman touches her lover. He will probably respond by shifting into his adult man energy. As his recognition grows, he will be able to take more and more responsibility for his energy pattern in relationship with you. He will become aware of his tendency to trust you like mommy, and you will have a powerful yet humorous and sensual tool for helping him shift into his adult masculine energy.

How Can We Regain the Passion We Had Before We Became Parents?

Between children and work, many parents find themselves without much time for each other as lovers. If you can’t arrange to have an hour together away from the kids, with at least some frequency, then you won’t have the opportunity to relax as a lover with him. You will always be in your mother energy and he will be in his father energy. It isn’t easy to relax into your lover energy with your children around.

As an experiment, try this for two weeks. Whatever it takes, arrange your lives so that for an hour every third day your children are out of the house and taken care of. You and your man are alone. It doesn’t matter what time of the day or
night it is. What does matter is that this hour is to be used for intimacy with your man.

It is important that your children are out of the house and well taken care of so that your attention is not compromised in any way by them. Furthermore, spend your hour together in complete silence. Do anything you want. Remain present together without leaving each other’s company.

Practice this for two weeks and remember to remain silent. If you speak, you will probably fall into your old patterns again, talking about work, the children, your needs. The tone of your voice and your words carry the energy that defines your mood: tired mother, needy girl, good friend. If you don’t speak, you are more likely to be simply present and open to intimacy. You will be feeling each other, simply and freely. You may touch or you may simply gaze into each other’s eyes.

Just sitting in each other’s company, silently and fully present, serves to move you into true intimacy. He may lean over and touch you or you may touch him. Allow for spontaneity. It will work out.

Allow time for his and your sexual energy to find their natural and relaxed expression. For this hour, you are not parents. You are lovers. His masculine and your feminine energy are dedicated to gifting each other with love, rather than to caring for your children. If you don’t consciously make this time to be together in relaxed polarity, full-time parenthood will probably put an end to your sexual passion.

How Can I Learn to Enjoy Sex More?

Many women don’t fully appreciate themselves as sensual beings. If you can’t really enjoy your own body and take delight in all the sensations it can provide for you because of some form of guilt or shame, then you won’t be able to fully enjoy sex with your intimate partner either.

In order to have a full sexual life with your intimate partner, learn to appreciate yourself physically. Take some time in private and give yourself permission to touch yourself everywhere, in any way that feels good. Don’t necessarily touch yourself in order to achieve an orgasm. Touch yourself to relax deeply into the flowing energies of your own body, enjoying the force of your own pleasure. See if this doesn’t open new possibilities of play with your intimate partner, or new ways you may consider playing in sexual love.

How Can I Stop Flip-Flopping Between Feeling Helpless and Feeling Strong?

Within you is a helpless part and a strong part. Within you is a part that thinks
I’m ugly
and a part that thinks
I’m beautiful
. There is a part that feels totally dependent on receiving love and a part that feels completely independent. Each of us has within us two sides to every judgment, mood and desire.

When you feel dependent on your partner, it means you are only listening to one side. When you feel independent, it means you are listening to the other side. When you have listened to one side for a long time, then it is healing to listen to the other side for a while. Wholeness is being able to witness
and hear both sides within you, and to choose your action based on intuitive wisdom rather than on either of these voices.

To help you witness both sides within you, try saying out loud, “There is a helpless part of me and there is a strong part of me.”

Or you can say, “I’m feeling confused and I also feel clear at times.”

Whatever comes up in you—hurt or anger or wanting to be alone—acknowledge it completely, but don’t acknowledge it as the only part. Instead, say something like, “I’m feeling the need to be alone, and at times I also feel the need to be with you.” They are both true.

Here is another example: “Part of me wants to leave, but part of me wants to stay.”

Both sides of a desire are always true. As you grow, you learn to accept both sides of yourself, and therefore both sides of your partner. You can even grow to accept, “I love you” and “I hate you.” There are always two sides to every emotion.

Realizing that the whole includes both sides instantly relieves the moment of one-sidedness. Rather than feeling trapped, you are free to witness both sides of every desire, and choose your action from this place of clear awareness. Always say the whole. “I’m feeling happy now, and I also feel sad at times.” “I’m feeling lonely now, and I have also felt loved.” “I’m feeling angry now, and I have also felt compassion.” “I don’t want to be with him now and I do want to be with him at other times.”

The practice of intimacy requires that we make free and clear choices. Such freedom and clarity arises when we embrace and witness both sides of every desire and emotion so we are no longer trapped by one side or the other.