It's Now or Never (8 page)

He paused, with a smile, and I noticed the almost imperceptible sweep of his gaze along the length of my body. I swallowed, feeling my body respond in a way that was totally inappropriate for what was supposed to be a sombre occasion, although I gave a silent prayer of thanks that I was wearing my black shift dress, heels and a coating of lipstick, and not my regulation Browns green sweatshirt.

‘It was a lovely service,' I said, looking away, unsettled by his presence.

‘Yes, very moving.'

His gaze settled on my face and with it I was given a sharp reminder of the intensity of his eyes that were rocking a very definite green hue this morning. Whatever their colour, they were endlessly fascinating in their expression and warmth. I thought back to the night I'd spent in his bed and could hardly believe that I'd been so close and intimate with the man now standing in front of me. I knew him intimately and yet I didn't know him at all. If anything, he was much better looking than I'd remembered him to be when I conjured up his image in my head, which I'd done far more often than was healthy. Seeing him again made me realise just how much I'd missed him, if it were possible to miss someone you didn't actually know very well.

‘Do you have time for a coffee?' he asked, casually.

He was a man who looked good in a suit, the grey fabric – possibly silk, most definitely expensive – was perfectly tailored to show off his broad shoulders and trim waist. I glanced at my watch as though I might have an altogether more pressing engagement somewhere else.

‘Yes, I've time for a quick one,' I said before I'd even considered whether it was a good idea or not. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want him to go, not just yet; anything that prolonged our time together had to be a good thing.

We walked away from the chapel together through the streets of Casterton and ten minutes later we were tucked away in a corner of a quaint tea shop in Market Square. I was full of nervous anticipation, relieved to be able to sit down and to have something to do with my hands, as I sat fiddling with the contents of the sugar bowl in front of me, but more relieved to be alone with Alex.

‘There you go,' he said, when he'd collected two cappuccinos from the counter and brought them over to our table.

He also delivered two plates of cake, a vanilla slice and a coffee and walnut traybake which looked sinfully delicious and made me realise just how hungry I was. When he sat down he proceeded to cut both parts in two and pushed the plates into the centre of the table. He gestured with a slight incline of his head for me to get stuck in. A man who definitely knew the way to this woman's heart.

‘So how have you been?' he said, picking up a piece of cake for himself and biting into it with gusto.

‘Good, thank you. Busy.' Our eyes met for a moment before we picked up our coffee cups in unison. ‘The wedding seems like a long time ago now. What a lovely day it was.'

‘It was.' There was a perceptible pause as his gaze roamed my face. ‘I texted you. Did you get my messages?'

Not only had I received them, but I'd over-analysed them, obsessed over them, wondered if I should reply to them or if I shouldn't just delete the whole lot. I couldn't quite bring myself to do that. Instead I'd spent the last few weeks re-reading them, looking for any hidden intent behind his casual words.

Hi, just wondered if you fancied getting together for that drink? Let me know.'

‘How are you? Hope all's well in the luxury goods world. Text me back when you have a mo.'

‘Here's a sad face :( That's how I'm feeling right now. Thought you might want to get together some time, but I'm guessing not?'

‘Am I being a pest? I don't mean to be, but would be great to hear from you.'

‘Was it my bad dad dancing that put you off? I could take lessons if that would make a difference.'

‘Or maybe it was my conversational skills, did I really bore you to death that day, and you were just being polite? Or maybe it was my aftershave? Hmmm, I've been thinking I should change it for a while now. Or was it perhaps my dodgy dress sense?'

‘Not all of those things, surely?'

‘Okay, let it not be said that I can't take a hint. You don't want to see or hear from me. I get it. Don't darken my doorstep ever again, kind of thing? It's deeply depressing, but I get it. If you change your mind then you know where I am :) x'

‘Yes, I did,' I said, feeling embarrassed now. ‘I'm sorry I didn't reply, it was just…'

It was just what? I could hardly admit how humiliated I'd felt when he'd caught me loitering outside his gallery that morning. Every time I thought about it my cheeks stung with shame. I didn't want him thinking I was needy or just sitting at home waiting for him to call. It was a one-night stand. There was no need for us to have anything to do with each other again. Angie had warned me what sort of a man he was. Just one night with him had left me feeling giddy, exposed and entertaining all sorts of fanciful thoughts. Any more and I knew I'd be in serious danger of getting in far deeper with Alex than would be good for my heart.

No, I'd decided to try the same approach with Alex as I had with Marcia. Putting it out of my mind. Pretending it had never happened. Only trying to forget about Alex wasn't nearly as easy as forgetting about Marcia.

Alex laughed, breaking the tension, holding up his hand to stop me.

‘You don't need to explain.' He stirred his spoon around in his mug, tracing a trail through the creamy topping on his coffee, an action that was surprisingly distracting in its sensuousness. ‘I think Arthur would have been pleased with his send-off today, don't you?'

‘Oh yes, it was a wonderful tribute.'

Alex was thoughtful for a moment.

‘Funerals always make you consider your own mortality, and that of your family and friends, don't they? I mean, we're all going that direction one day.'

‘I know.' I shrugged. ‘Must admit I couldn't help thinking about my mum and nan back there. It's the hymns, they always touch me deep down inside.'

‘Oh, I'm sorry,' said Alex, reaching over for my hand, his fingers interlocking with mine, genuine concern in his eyes. ‘I didn't realise you'd lost your mum.'

‘Yeah, it was about eight years ago now and then my nan died a couple of years later. It was a difficult time, but in the end you just have to move on with your life. Somehow. You never do forget those people who've played such an important part in your life though.'

It was what everyone had told me at the time when I said I wasn't sure how I would ever get by without my mum at my side. I didn't believe them then when they told me I would. That I had to. That it was what Mum would have wanted. It was only now I was really beginning to appreciate that.

‘Of course. Puts everything into perspective, doesn't it? And makes you realise that all those clichés spouted about life being too short are absolutely true. We definitely need to be making the most of the time we have here as none of us know how long we've got.'

I looked across at Alex. He still had his hand on mine, but it didn't feel awkward in any way. It felt perfectly natural, and a huge comfort too.

‘Hopefully a little longer for both of us,' I said, with a wry smile. ‘Enough time at least for me to finish my cake.' I dug my fork into the smooth mousse centre of the coffee and walnut slice and popped its gooey deliciousness into my mouth.

Alex looked at me indulgently. We were definitely bonding over the shared delights of the cake.

‘If I died today, I'm not sure how many people would turn up for my funeral.' He tilted his chin upwards and narrowed his eyes, as though calculating the potential guests. ‘Maybe sixty if I was lucky. There must have been about three hundred at Arthur's service. A reflection on what a great man he was and what a full and varied life he led.'

‘Yes.' I screwed up my face to do the same calculation. ‘Well, if it's any consolation I think there might only be about thirty people at my funeral so you're way ahead of me in the popularity stakes.'

Actually, it was a pretty depressing thought now he came to mention it.

‘You know what we should do.' He lifted my hand in his, a big smile on his face. ‘Start planning for our own funerals now. Widen our social circles, get more involved in the community, have a huge extended family, just so as we can be guaranteed a good turnout at our funerals.'

I laughed.

‘Why are we even talking about this?' I asked, laughing. I really didn't want to be thinking that far ahead. Looking to a future only six months or a year ahead was scary enough. I snatched my hand away from his, my fingers tingled from his touch.

He sat back in his seat, his eyes shining with mischievous intent.

‘It is good to see you though, Jen. First a wedding and now a funeral, we seem to be making a habit of meeting at these big life-event occasions. Maybe next time we should do something a bit more low-key, meet for dinner or something.' He raised an eyebrow, a smile quivering at his lips. ‘What do you reckon? Oh, I remember, you blew me out for dinner. Shame.'

I felt a heat rise in my cheeks and suddenly our corner of the tea room felt very claustrophobic. I shifted my gaze away from Alex and let it drift around the room taking in the other customers; mainly yummy mummies meeting up for their morning coffee, singletons transfixed by their laptops and couples chatting away animatedly. A normal everyday scene, and yet here and now for me the scene was charged with an underlying fizzing electricity.

‘Look,' I said, desperate now to clear the air. ‘I'm sorry for not replying to your texts, I just thought…Well I thought it would be better if…'

‘Yes?' said Alex, chewing on the inside of his cheek, clearly relishing every moment of my obvious discomfort.

‘Well, I thought it would be better if we just moved on and forgot that evening ever happened.'

‘Oh right'. He chuckled and shook his head. ‘It was that good, was it?' He crossed his arms in front of his chest, and his mouth grimaced in feigned umbrage. ‘I know your type. Using me for your own personal ends and then just callously tossing me to one side when you've had your evil way with me.'

I was relieved he was laughing, but I still felt mortifyingly embarrassed. I hadn't expected to see Alex again, nor did I expect to have to explain.

Memories of the night spent in his deep double bed flittered into my mind. In truth, I'd thought of little else these last few weeks; the way his deep intense gaze had devoured me, his warm seductive voice whispering in my ear, his touch on my skin taking me to peaks of delight I could only ever have imagined before. I knew I'd be dancing with fire to go anywhere near this man again. Much better to avoid getting involved in the first place than having to piece together the fragments of a broken heart a few months down the line.

I'd set a precedent that night, falling into bed with him so easily, and there was nothing I could do to change that now.

‘It wasn't like that. Look, if I'm being honest with you…' I looked over my shoulder to check no one was listening to what I was about to say and then I lowered my voice. ‘That night I acted totally out of character. Honestly, I'm not sure what came over me. It might surprise you to know that I'd never had a one-night stand before.'

‘Actually, that doesn't surprise me at all.'

‘Oh.' Was it that obvious I was still wearing my ‘L' plates as far as one-night stands were concerned? ‘Well don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed that day we spent together, and the evening bit, obviously,' I said, blushing. ‘I was flattered that you got in contact and asked to see me again, but the thing is, I'm really not looking for that sort of relationship.'

Alex remained quiet for a moment, a quizzical look on his face. He ran a fingertip along an imaginary line on the table. I watched his hand as it traced a trail in front of me.

‘And what sort of relationship would that be?' Alex asked, looking up at me.

‘Casual sex,' I said quickly and rather too loudly, judging by the sideways glance from the man on the next table. ‘I mean it was lovely and everything, and it's nothing personal against you, but I've realised I'm really not cut out for that sort of thing.'

‘Ah okay.' I thought I saw the beginnings of a smile on his lips, but he bit it back. ‘That wasn't what I was actually suggesting. I just thought it would be good to get to know you a bit better. I was thinking more along the lines of… dinner. You know, a proper date. It was just an idea though. I completely understand that you might not want to.'

Now I felt churlish and ill-mannered, but there was no getting away from the fact that Alex and I were completely different people with completely different needs. Hadn't Angie warned me that he was a serial dater and the last thing I wanted was to be the next name on his, no doubt, exceedingly long tbd (to be dated) list.

‘I mean,' he said, now picking up my hand again and looking deep into my eyes. ‘I'm deeply hurt and disappointed at the thought that you might not want to see me again, but if that's the way you really feel, then what can I do.' He dropped my hand with a sigh. ‘I'll just have to roll with that.'

He looked at me imploringly and I couldn't help my toes from curling and my mouth smiling at him in return.

‘You know I went back to the wine bar to collect the letter you wrote me.'

‘You did!' His brow furrowed and his eyes darkened. ‘Well I do hope they didn't give it to you.'

‘No, they didn't. I couldn't believe it. The girl was a right miserable bitch. All sour-faced and hanging on to that envelope as though her life depended on it. Honestly, I felt like slapping her.'

‘Blonde hair, tall, skinny?'