J Speaks (L & J 2) (5 page)

She looked up, finally realizing what was going on. There was no fear in her eyes. She wasn’t afraid when she ran out of that bathroom, swinging a titanium pipe. Under different circumstances
, I would have found it humorous that she just happened to have a titanium pipe laying around, ready to beat someone’s ass with it. But it wasn’t humorous. I wasn’t laughing as Elle looked at me, here eyes full of confusion. “J?” She said it as a question. She didn’t realize what just went down when she looked at me with furrowed brow.

“What the fuck, J?”

I looked behind me. “Chris?”

“You fucking shot her?  You fucking shot her!” 

“I didn’t know it was her.”

Chris looked ready to murder me, baseball bat in hand. Fuck, how did all this happen? I was supposed to be freaking out about giving Elle
Gram’s ring, not holding her bleeding body.

“You’ve had your dick in her since there was snow on the ground and you didn’t know it was her?”

Fuck fuck fuck. I didn’t want to deal with Chris right now. She was just as hardcore as Elle. That’s why they were such good friends. But Chris—man, Chris had a few years on Elle, and was way more aggressive. She didn’t mince words, and she didn’t hesitate to put me in my place. In that moment though, I knew I needed her so I kept the string of profanities ready to erupt from my mouth at bay. Instead I told her, “Pull your fucking car up. We gotta get her to the hospital.”

I held her the entire way, trying to get her to keep her eyes open. I tried my best to speak in a calm voice, so as
to not freak her out. I had taken my shirt off, and was holding it against her side where the bullet had gone in. Her breathing was labored, but she was hanging in there. It wasn’t until Chris was pulling the truck up to the ER that she lost the fight, and her eyes closed.

I had the door open before the car came to a complete stop. I can’t imagine what people thought of a 6’5” mother fucker like me, in a Kevlar vest no less, carrying a woman with a gunshot wound into the ER. While it was happening, I really didn’t give a fuck. My singular focus was on the woman in my arms, my sun,
and the light bleeding out of her. Everything happened in fast forward. I don’t remember even saying anything to Skinny. Did I? Did I say a word to him before I left? I vaguely recalled a head nod, but I could have been delusional by that point.

A gurney was brought out, and the doctors we
re taking Elle from me. I kept hold of her hand as I raced down the hallway with the doctors. They told me to let her go, but I couldn’t bear to. It wasn’t until they were rushing her into the operating room that I was forced to let go of her hand.

“I love you, baby. Oh my god. You have to live. Baby, I can’t be on this earth without you. I need your light.” I was practically sobbing. “I can’t be a monster anymore,” I whispered as they rushed her though doors that I was unable to pass. I watched my lig
ht being wheeled away and sunk to the floor. What had I done? I tried to keep the monster as far from Elle as possible. She made me feel like a man for the first time in almost a decade. When the monster and the man crashed together, all hell had broken loose.

I don’t know how long I sat on the floor in front of those doors, my arms wrapped around my ben
t knees, head in between them. Each breath feeling like it might be my last. I’m sure no one was rushing to make the giant in a blood covered, Kevlar vest move out of the hallway. It was Chris who finally came up to me.

“They said you need to move your ass out of the hallway, fucker.”

I looked up at her. Hate filled her eyes. I could tell she was trying hard to keep her rage at bay. I had no doubt Chris would beat me down if she still had that baseball bat and no one was looking. I got up off the ground and followed her to some chairs.

I was about to sit down when Chris said, “Gimme the vest.” I looked at her, confusion filling my eyes. I was so lost in that moment. She walked closer to me and said in a low, strained voice, “Give me the bloody fucking vest you dumb fuck.” I took it off, and she tossed me my cut. “Put that on. We’re gonna need it soon.”

******

We’d been sitting in the waiting room for hours while Elle was in surgery. Chris didn’t want to call anyone just yet. For that I was grateful. I don’t think I could have handled dealing with the kitchen guys, or her parents. This wasn’t exactly the way to introduce your boyfriend
to your parents. My world crashed a little bit more at that thought. Was I still her boyfriend?

Chris barely said three words to me. I was also grateful for that. I got it. She was pissed as all hell. But she wasn’t the only one struggling here. I’d shot the woman I loved, and now I was waiting to find out how much damage I’d done. I had a million thoug
hts swirling around in my head. So many, that I was unable to pick one to ruminate on. I thought about all the women I’d met in my life, and how Elle was so different from every single one of them. I thought about what she would say to me when she came out of surgery. Would she hate me? Would she ever speak to me again? Fuck. Burns. Skinny and I had never botched a disappearance like this. And what was Skinny doing? I dug my prepay phone out of my cut and texted him.

J: ?

SKINNY: taken care of

Well, that was one thing off my mind. I didn’t know how he’d take care of it, but I knew he would
. If he was gonna fuck me over, he wouldn’t have responded, and he wouldn’t have done it immediately.

“She’ll never take you back.”

I looked up from the prepay. I swear daggers were shooting out of Chris’ eyes and straight into my soul. I didn’t answer her. What was I going to say? She probably wasn’t going to want anything to do with me. In order for us to be together, I couldn’t be a monster. I couldn’t be a killer. For that to happen, Burns would ether have to disappear, or have some radical change of heart. I doubted the latter.

A doctor came out of
the doors I’d been staring at for hours. Chris bolted upright from her chair, practically running over to the young doctor. I felt cemented to my seat. I heard “She’s fine. Bullet tore her stomach, but we repaired it. Something something ICU. Few hours before you can see her.”

I
exhaled a deep breath. She was OK. With my elbow on my knees, I held my head in my hands and tried not to cry. Gramps told me it was OK to cry, but there was no way I was doing it in my cut. Speaking of which, I heard, “We have to call in all gunshot wounds. Do you know what happened to her?”

I went back to holding my breath. What was Chris going to say?

“I don’t know what happened. I was outside the whole time.” Chris turned to me after saying this, and motioned for me to come over to her and the doctor.

I rose to my full height, adjusted my cut, and walked to where they were standing. I just stood there. I wasn’t asked a question, and I wasn’t offering up any information. The doctor eyed my cut, and I could see the recognition working behind his eyes. He nodded
, and said something about letting us know when we could see her. The doctor walked away, but I kept standing there, like a zombie.

“You can go now.”

“What?” I looked at Chris confused. Where did she think I was going?

“He saw your cut. No one will ask anymore questions, so I got what
I needed out of you. So, you can leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” How the hell could she think I was leaving without seeing Elle?

“I’m going to the bathroom, and when I get back, you better be gone.” With that, she turned on her heels and left me alone in the waiting area.

Leave? Where would I go? Home to sit and wait? Fuck that. The woman I loved was in ICU, and I planned to gaze upon my golden goddess before I stepped foot out of this hospital. Life without Elle was not an option. I
had
to make things right. Fuck. I knew what I had to do. I got the prepay out, and dialed a number I hoped was still in service.

It rang, and rang
, and rang and rang. Fuck. Was he going to pick up? The crashing in my stomach turned into the worst thunderstorm I’d ever experienced. If he didn’t pick up, or someone else did, I was screwed. I’d have to make a trip to St. Louis, and that was about the last thing I wanted to do.

“Yeah,” a groggy, but familiar voice answered.

“You still down? Cuz, I’m ready.”

There was a pause before Ratchet’s nephew responded. “About time, brother.”

I sighed in relief. He was still prepared to risk his life to get back Ratchet’s MC. “I’ll call you when I’m ready to meet. Gotta handle some things first,” I told him.

“That bit you had on the back of your bike?” I was silent. Stunned. How did he know about Elle? Fuck, the last thing I wanted was her mixed up in what I was about to do. I heard a light laugh on the other end of the line. “Yeah, we all heard about her. You stash her someplace safe while we do this
. Yeah?”

“I’ll handle it.” I had no idea how I was going to handle it.

“Be sure ya do.” With that, the line went dead. Silence. But not for long.

“Mother fucker! Are you deaf? Get out! Get out of my fucking sight before I get the baseball bat outta my mother fucking trunk.” Chris was back from the restroom. I was pretty sure she would
go get the bat, regardless of the fact that we were in a hospital.

“I just want to see her.”

“I don’t give a fuck what
you
want, but I’ll tell you what
I
want.” She still had on her heels from the club, so she was closer to looking me in the eye than most people. As she moved toward me, so did the daggers shooting out of her eyes. “I want your triflin’ ass to get the fuck out of my sight. I want my best friend to not have a bullet hole in her body. I want you to leave and never come back! I want you to fucking die!” With each
want
, Chris’ voice rose, until it was loud enough to draw security.

“Get out! Get the fuck out of her
e you fucking piece of shit!” I thought the security officers would move towards Chris, but they were coming my way.

“Please, just let me see her once.”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”  What the fuck? No one seemed to mind the screaming lady in the waiting area?

I shook the security guard’s grip off my arm, and started to walk away. I turned to Chris right before I stepped into the elevator. “I’m coming back.” I got into the elevator and pushed the button to close the doors before she could answer.

******

I went back to the hospital a few days later. The nurse I paid off called to tell me Elle was waking up. I didn’t know what I expected her to say to me. I didn’t have a plan as to what I was going to say to her. Any piece of light I was holding onto crashed when she looked at me. I knew it was over before she said a word. Her eyes told me everything I needed to know before Chris opened her mouth to kick me out again.

I walked out of her room empty, despondent. I was prepared to die. The phone call I’d made when Chris was in the restroom, just after Elle came out of surgery, could lead to just that—death.

I gripped my shoulder, and as I shuffled through the hospital, making my way outside, an older nurse stopped me and said, “Don’t give up.” I blinked a few times, unsure who she was or why she was talking to me.

She said those words and continued walking. I turned around to ask her what she meant, but she was gone. I gripped my shoulder tighter. It felt like the eagle talons tattooed on my skin were digging deep enough to draw blood.

Foresight

Despite Chris, I tried to see Elle various times
while she was in the hospital. Each time, the same thing happened—security kicked me out. The crazy chick screaming at me? Nope, she stayed. They sent the 6’5” monster away. Chris had every reason to be pissed and then some. I knew what I’d done, but it still stung having her shove it in my face. I made sure Elle was taken care of. I only was able to see her once in the hospital, and it hadn’t gone well. I wanted to punch Chris in the face, and shove her skinny ass out of the room. I wanted to hold Elle, and I could beg for her forgiveness. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I wasn’t giving up though. I refused to give up. Instead, I stayed planted in reality. I had a plan and a mission. I just had to get my head right to make it happen.

I was sitting at a table in a
shed that served as a garage, waiting for Dig, Ratchet’s nephew, to arrive. I was early, which was a stupid move, because it just gave me time to stew over everything. Everything that happened, and everything that I was about to set in motion. Bill offered me a bowl of jambalaya he had cooking in the bar, but I couldn’t think about food. I’d been nursing the same beer for the last twenty minutes. The label lay shredded in front of me.

“She’ll be back.
”

I looked from the table at Bill. Although he and Dig were blood brothers, Bill was never part of MM. He knew my plight though. He was around for Burns takeover. It’s why I
bought him this bar. When Dig tried to leave MM a few years after the coup, Burns had used Bill as leverage to keep Dig in the folds of his clandestine empire. At that time, we were only in St. Lois. I bought Bill this bar to get him away from Burns. I wanted him to go farther, like to California or Maine, but he refused to leave Missouri, the place he’s grow up in. KC was as far as I could get him to move. We’d managed to keep the bar under the radar. Burns didn’t know where we had Bill tucked away. He probably thought we sent him to California or Maine. And he’s probably forgot my now.