40
CHELSEY
HE LOVED ME.
He’d said it before and I believed him, but I couldn’t let that stop me. I loved Blaine. I always had, and I wanted to make it work with him. Evidently, he did, too, since he was quitting the club for me.
I hated to be that girl, but I couldn’t stand it anymore. Going to school and focusing on my assignments became hard because all I could do was think about what Blaine was doing at the club.
Was he taking women in the back? Was he fucking them or just dancing for them?
It became too much. I couldn’t be with him while he was working there. I had to be able to focus. I couldn’t believe he’d given up the club for me. It showed how serious he was about making things work with us, and if he was serious, then I would be, too.
Things were moving along nicely with us, but I could tell there was something still bothering Blaine. He didn’t mention anything, but whatever it was it was simmering just beneath his surface. He seemed stiff and worried at times, but every time I’d ask him if he was okay, he’d blow it off.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you, right?” I asked.
We were lying in bed watching a movie and wrapped around each other. I loved how comfortable we were with each other.
“Babe, I’m fine. Just relax and watch the movie. Don’t worry about me. I’m good to go.”
I laid my head against him and listened to his beating heart. I didn’t want to push him, but I was also super curious about what was going on in his head.
The next day, after classes, I went home, got a shower, and slipped into my pajamas to do some studying. Blaine was going to come by later, and I wanted to at least get a few chapters in before he got there.
I was surprised when he showed up at my door two hours early, wearing a huge grin.
“Get dressed,” he said, patting me on the ass as I shut the door behind me.
“Why? Where are we going?” I asked.
I’d told Lynn, who basically moved in with me, I’d be home all night. She didn’t have a key yet, and I hated leaving one under the mat for her.
“We’re going to dinner. I have news and I want to celebrate with you.”
I smiled. “Okay. How am I dressing? Jeans and a T-shirt or a dress?”
“Baby, you look great in everything. Wear whatever you want. I’ll adjust the plans to you.”
I kissed him before I left to go get dressed. I wondered to myself what we had to celebrate. Whatever it was, I didn’t care. I just loved seeing Blaine happy and smiling. I hated to think that something was stressing him out or bothering him.
An hour later, we pulled up at a local bar and grill. Blaine made me wait in the car so he could open the door for me, and when I got out, I kissed him for being so freaking cute.
We held hands as we entered the place and the hostess sat us at a quiet booth in the corner. We ordered drinks and an appetizer, and once the waitress was gone, I went in for the kill.
“So, what are we celebrating?” I asked.
His smile lit up his face, and he reached across the table to take my hand.
“I’m going back to school,” he said. “I start the technical college next semester.”
Excitement filled me and I squeezed his hand in mine. “That’s fantastic. I’m so freaking proud of you, Blaine.”
He smiled sheepishly and my heart melted for him all over again.
“I mean, I know it’s no Columbia, but it’s a step in the right direction.” He chuckled to himself. “I mean, I was really starting to freak out about the bills and stuff, but now I feel hopeful that things will work out. Grandma can get her medicine and everything once the grants clear and my student loans come in.”
My smile disappeared from my face, and guilt sank in. “What are you talking about? I didn’t know you were having money problems.”
His face cleared as if he’d just realized how much he’d said.
“It’s cool. I have it all under control.”
“But, Blaine, I didn’t know. I feel so selfish. Your grandma, you said she needed medicines? I didn’t even know you lived with your grandmother.”
It was slowly sinking in that I didn’t know much about Blaine’s life now. I had so many questions, but every time I asked, he’d shut me out. It got to the point where I quit asking because I hated it when he shut me out.
“Like I said, it’s fine, babe. I have it under control. Anyway, let’s celebrate. No more frowns, okay? You’re entirely too beautiful when you smile.”
I tried to smile, but it was forced. Obviously, I didn’t know the half of it, and there I’d been making him quit his job without regard to who he might be taking care of.
“Blaine, where are your parents?” I asked.
I remembered him telling me before how close he was with his mom and dad, but since we’d started talking again he hadn’t mentioned them once.
Was there a falling out? And if so, why was Maddie staying with him and his grandma instead of his parents? Things were slowly coming together. Things I hadn’t thought about before.
Blaine’s smile dropped, his skin turning pale and his eyes dropping to the table in front of him.
“Not tonight, Chelsey. Let’s just enjoy this night, okay?”
I reached out and took his hand in mine, prompting him to look up at me with sad tear-filled eyes.
“Blaine, please tell me.”
He reached for his drink and took a big gulp before clearing his throat and tugging at the collar of his shirt like it was too tight.
“They died in a car accident,” he said.
His voice broke like it caused him physical pain to push the words out, and pain ripped through my heart, making me gasp loudly.
“Oh my God, Blaine. I’m so sorry.” I stood from my side of the booth and slipped in next to him. I snuggled into his side and held him. “When?”
“It happened the night I saw you with Josh. I’d found out I was accepted into college. I couldn’t wait to tell you, and I almost called, but I wanted to wait until we were together in your room. My parents were so happy and proud, and we went to dinner as a family and had an amazing night.” I rubbed his arm and prompted him to continue. He relaxed into my arms, but I could feel his heart beating really hard and fast. “It was a drunk driver.”
He continued his story. He squeezed my hand when he told me about his father’s dead eyes and his mother’s last breaths, and I held him close as he told me about waking up in the hospital and being with Maddie.
His eyes were watered with emotion the entire time, and I knew it was taking everything he had not to cry in public. I was having a hard time keeping it together myself, but when he told me about how badly he needed me, I broke. I cried when he told me about coming to my house and seeing me with Josh.
Everything was coming together. Everything made sense. He was hurt. He was scared, and he’d just lost his family. His reaction to seeing me with Josh made more sense now that I understood what he’d gone through.
Guilt slammed deep into my chest and hatred for Josh that I hadn’t felt since that night bloomed deep in my stomach.
“I’m so sorry, Blaine. I had no idea.”
And I didn’t.
We ended up getting our food to go, and going back to my apartment. We ate at my kitchen table, and afterward I held Blaine in bed while he clutched on to me like his life depended on it.
I couldn’t believe the truths that were revealed or how much time we’d lost out on because of simple misunderstandings. I was still angry with him for leaving me when I needed the most, but hearing his story lessened the blow a bit.
Knowing he’d lost his parents, I was glad he didn’t know about the loss of our baby. Maybe everything happened for a reason. Maybe Blaine couldn’t have handled it. While it was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through in my life, knowing what I knew now, I could say I was kind of glad he wasn’t there to go through it, too.
“So, the guys at the club are throwing me a going away party. Think you might want to be my date?” he asked.
He looked up at me with swollen, red eyes, and his voice was raspy and full of sleep as I played with his hair. His head was lying in my lap and I could feel his warm breath on my thigh.
“I think I’d like that a lot.”
I held him until he fell asleep in my arms, and with guilt heavy on my heart, I finally went to sleep, too.
41
CHELSEY
I COULDN’T SAY ALL THE MEMORIES
in The Golden Banana were bad. Just thinking of the ways we’d had sex in the back room warmed me. And while I was happy he wasn’t working there anymore, the guilt of being the reason for his decision was strong.
Things were going great between us, and I was happy. Actually, I was happier than I’d been since before Blaine left. There was only one problem. Being back with Blaine was bringing up old wounds, and I was having a hard time dealing with them.
It hurt to look into his eyes and wonder if our baby would’ve had his same icy blues, or his smile, or his olive skin. Then the pain that followed those questions was soul crushing.
It was an ache I thought I’d gotten over a long time ago, but I wasn’t so sure anymore. The one year anniversary of the night I lost the baby was rapidly approaching.
Lost.
Like the baby was a set a keys or my favorite lip-gloss. Like I’d set the baby down somewhere and forgotten where I’d put it. Just thinking of how the doctor said those words made me want to kick something.
I felt myself pulling away and withdrawing from Blaine, but I didn’t know how to stop it from happening. I wanted to be with Blaine more than anything, but I wasn’t sure how to heal the piece of my heart he’d destroyed when he left.
I stared up at the sign for The Golden Banana and took a deep breath. The rocks popped beneath my shoes as I dragged myself toward the entrance. I just needed to put on a happy face for Blaine’s party and everything would work itself out. It had to.
Pulling open the door, light filled the usually dim club. The house lights were on and the music wasn’t as loud. The roar of laughter and talking filled my ears, before everyone turned toward me. I smiled, letting the door shut behind me. I looked over the familiar faces, but I didn’t see Blaine. The group greeted me as I worked myself across the room. Then Lynn was there, smiling and hugging me.
“You’re here! What took you so long?” she asked.
She swung her arm over my shoulders and pulled me to her while she tugged me along.
I laughed. “I’m only five minutes late. Where’s Blaine?”
“Everyone’s over here admiring the beautiful Layla.”
“Who’s Layla?”
“She’s Bobby and Melinda’s new bundle of joy.”
I’d barely heard her words over the ringing in my ears. I was sure my ear drums were going to explode. Marshall moved over to make room for me and Lynn, and that’s when I saw Blaine.
I felt paralyzed but the sight. My mind told me to run, but I unable to turn away. My knees locked into place, and a wave of dizziness rolled across me. I couldn’t do anything but stare at Blaine. He was holding the tiny, baby girl in his arms, making her look even smaller than she actually was.
He smiled down into her little face and laughed when she cooed up at him. There was some tension in his arms, but he held the baby protectively to his chest.
I heard everyone’s voices, but everything became muffled. Questions were being asked, and everyone laughed at something Blaine was saying. My eyes moved over his smiling face, and when he looked up at me, he winked.
I blinked, releasing myself from the daze I’d entered.
“Come on, Blaine. You’re a natural,” Marshall teased. “Can’t you see yourself with a mini Jack Hammer?”
Everyone laughed, and once again Blaine found my gaze. I didn’t know what I looked like, but his expression shifted and worry moved across his brows.
“Cut it out, guys. You’re going to freak out, Chelsey.”
Blaine stood and leaned over to kiss the baby’s forehead, before handing her back to Melinda.
He took a step toward me, but I moved away from him, afraid if he touched me I’d crumble.
“Chelsey? Are you okay?” Lynn asked, touching my arm.
“Don’t,” I snapped, pulling my arm back.
“Chelsey,” Blaine called my name slowly.
Everyone was staring at me and the way I was reacting. Why wouldn’t they be? I was obviously freaking out. Still, their eyes on me made me sweat. I could almost hear their accusations. Everyone knew. They all knew I’d lost our baby, and they were blaming me with their accusing eyes.
I knew I was being irrational. Only two people in the room knew about my loss, and I was one of them, but still, my panicked brain was feeding me lies.
Turning around, I fled to the bathroom and locked the door behind me.
Lynn and Blaine begged me to open the door from the other side, but I covered my ears to block out their voices. Squeezing my eyes shut, I only made it worse. All I could see was Blaine holding the baby. The memories of the pungent smell of my own blood and the pain I felt pushed against my brain, tearing me apart and crushing my heart.
Falling into the nearest stall, I lost everything I had in my stomach until I was dry heaving. I collapsed to the floor, unable to control the tears as they rushed down my cheeks. Mascara smeared into my eyes, burning them like fire.
The pounding on the door matched my erratic heartbeat. Again, I covered my ears and dug my forehead into my lap.
I was drowning so deep in my own suffering that I hadn’t even realized Blaine had broken in the bathroom door until I felt his hands on my face. He was calling my name over and over again, but I couldn’t respond. Suddenly, there was nothing underneath me anymore, and Blaine held me protectively as he cradled me against his chest like he had the tiny, baby girl.
I was lost in another bout of tears, the room around me blurring away as Blaine held me close. He carried me from the bathroom and toward the exit of the club. I heard Lynn next to us as she followed us toward the doors.
“I’m sorry, Chelsey. I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry,” she cried.
“What are you talking about, Lynn? What the fuck is going on?” Blaine demanded, opening his car door and setting me inside.
I didn’t hear her response, but I prayed she kept my secret.
When he got in the car he turned toward me, his worried eyes moved over my face.
“Look at me, Chelsey,” he demanded.
I shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t think about everything he represented. It hurt too much.
“Chelsey,” he said in warning. “I’m not fucking around. Look at me!”
“Take me home, Blaine,” I demanded
My voice was broken and rough. I didn’t even sound like myself.
“Why can’t you look at me?”
“Please just take me home. I want to go home.”
He didn’t say anything for a long minute, and then he turned and his car roared to life. The sound was familiar, and it put me at ease as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove us toward home.
**********
I DIDN’T KNOW WHY I WAS THERE,
but it didn’t seem to matter as I drowned another shot. I’d lost count of how many I’d had. It’s not like it mattered, numbers seemed obsolete at that point. All I knew was my face was numb and the room around me felt tilted.
I’d let Charles and a few of his friends drag me to one of the frat houses for a big end of the semester party. In truth, I hadn’t seen Charles since we got there. I’d taken up post by their makeshift bar while one of the frat boys fed me Jello shots.
My phone vibrated in my back pocket for the hundredth time, but I already knew who it was without even looking.
Blaine.
I hadn’t spoken to him since he’d brought me home from his going away party and tucked me into bed. I refused to talk to him. He had too many questions I didn’t want to answer. He wanted to be a good boyfriend and talk about the things that were bothering me, but I was so far beyond talking. I couldn’t even look at him. I just wanted him to go away until my head was right again, which I was beginning to think might never happen. I was beginning to think I’d never be able to move past my past.
He was reluctant to leave me, but when he realized I wasn’t going to talk to him, he kissed my forehead and left my side. When he left, I crawled from my bed and went to my dresser. Pulling open the top drawer, my fingers moved across the folded piece of paper I kept tucked away.
The paper was creased down the middle from the many times it had been folded and unfolded, but still, the image of the tiny, blurred figure could still be seen.
I ran my finger over the little heart and sucked in a deep gulp of air. The heartache left me weak. Crawling back in my bed, I pulled the blanket over my head, locking the away the world and holding the only evidence of what Blaine and I created close to my heart.
I hadn’t talked to him since and as his name lit my cell screen, I ignored the call. I held the side button down until my phone went black. Shoving the phone back into my pocket, I tried to put Blaine out of my mind with another Jello shot.
“Don’t you think you should take it easy?” the frat boy asked as he handed me another one.
“Nope,” I said, squeezing the cool goo into my mouth.
My mouth was numb, and I could no longer taste the bitter bite of liquor that laced the Jello.
“Alright,” he said.
The way he said it made me want to target him when I felt the need to throw up.
“Why are you ignoring my phones calls?” Blaine said behind me.
His voice was deadly, and it sent chills up my spine. I wasn’t surprised he’d found me. I’d expected him to show up sooner or later, but I preferred later.
“What are you doing here, Blaine?”
“You know what I’m doing here. If you had answered my calls you could’ve avoided what’s about to go down.”
“I have nothing to talk to you about,” I slurred.
“The hell you don’t,” he roared.
“Hey, buddy—” Frat boy bartender interrupted.
“I’m not your fucking buddy
,
” Blaine snapped. “Stay out of this, kid. I’m not in the fucking mood.”
The guy glared at Blaine, wanting to say something more, but luckily he backed away, leaving me and Blaine there alone.
“We’re leaving right now, Chelsey. I’m taking you home.”
“I’m sorry you came all the way over here, Blaine, but I’m not going home. It’s a party. Have some fun. Better yet,” I raised my voice, spinning in my chair to face him. “Why don’t you find the nearest table and start stripping. I’m sure everyone will
love
that!”
“You’re being a real pain in my ass right now, Chelsey.”
I laughed.
“No, I’m being a bitch.”
“Your words, sweetheart.”
I glared at him. “Just go away, Blaine. You’re killing my buzz.”
I went to turn around, but his hand caught mine firmly, keeping me from spinning my chair around and away from him.
“You’re out of your fucking mind if you think I’m going anywhere without your drunk ass.” His words were lethal.
We glared at each other, the room around us disappearing, and then his expression shifted. Sadness filled his eyes as they moved over his face and my rage subsided a bit.
“Chelsey,” he whispered. “What’s wrong, baby? Why won’t you talk to me? Tell me what I did so I can try to fix it.”
Tears stung my eyes, but I refused to talk about it. Especially considering what day it was. One year ago to the day I’d lost our baby. I just wanted to drown it all away with alcohol until I passed out. I didn’t want to be conscious again until the day was over, and the sun of a new day was blazing.
“I’m not doing this, Blaine. I can’t.”
I slid off my chair and stumbled a little before catching my balance on the edge of the bar. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been drinking, but I was definitely aware of it now. The world spun and Blaine split into two.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and then tried to walk past him, but I nearly fell into him in my attempt.
“Jesus,” he cursed, grabbing my arm and pulling me toward the door.
“Let go of me, Blaine,” I growled, yanking my arm from him.
I stumbled back and into something firm. Two large hands came up and held onto my biceps, keeping me upright and against the wall of heat at my back. When I looked up, I recognized the guy holding me as one of the frat guys.
“Sounds to me like the lady doesn’t want you bothering her anymore.” His deep voice rumbled against my back and I squirmed to move away from the feeling.
Blaine’s jaw tightened, the pulse in the side of his neck pounding hard and fast against his skin. Fury filled his eyes as he stared at the hands holding my arms, and then his eyes found mine. Again, a chill tingled down my spine. Things weren’t going to end well, and the last thing I wanted was anyone getting hurt.
“Get. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off. Her,” Blaine threatened.
The guy behind me stiffened, his hard chest pressing into my back. “Or else what?”
“You really want to do this here, frat boy? I’m feeling pretty murderous right now, and I’d be more than happy to take my anger out on you.”
“Blaine, stop it. Let’s just go.”