Jade Archer - Sandpipers 2 - Raven's Mark (13 page)

What a mess!
Mark wiped down the countertop in the kitchen and cleaned away the milk, butter and jam he’d used to make Ryan’s breakfast on autopilot. He couldn’t concentrate on anything but how totally out of control everything seemed to be right now.
And how the hell had that happened? Yesterday had been so good. And last night…well, last night had been fantastic. But this morning everything was tense and strained and back about a million miles from where they’d been twenty-four hours earlier. How had it all just fallen apart like that with one bad dream? And more importantly, how was he going to fix it?
The only one that didn’t appear to be feeling it was Ryan—thank goodness. He was happily munching away on a slice of toast and washing it all down with a glass of milk like he didn’t have a care in the world. Which was wonderful, of course—the last thing they needed was Ryan getting upset.
Mark finally fully appreciated just how extraordinarily adept Raven was at shielding the little boy. The cool, calm and collected performance he’d put on while getting Ryan ready was worthy of an Academy Award. But away from his son, Raven worried him. He was all twitchy and withdrawn and stretched tight.
Now that he thought about it, ‘what a mess’ didn’t even begin to cover it, really.
Mark noticed Ryan starting in on his second slice of toast and that his milk was edging down towards half empty. “Do you need anything else to eat, buddy?”
He should have asked earlier before he finished tidying up the kitchen, but he’d been too distracted—apparently Raven wasn’t the only one all wound up and agitated.
Ryan swallowed and shook his head. “No, thank you.”
So polite. Raven really was doing an amazing job of bringing Ryan up. He knew firsthand it wasn’t an easy thing to do. He also freely admitted he was more than half in love with both of them. Now if he could just work out how to fix it so Raven didn’t bolt on him. And yes, he could see it was a distinct possibility after this morning’s little wake up call.
Mark felt a painful squeeze to his heart just thinking about it. What was he going to do?
He placed a hand over the clothes he had retrieved from the dryer. Raven had forgotten to take them with him when he went for his shower—another small sign all was not right. But he needed to speak to Raven without Ryan—for a second, anyway. This might be his chance.
“I’m just going to take your dad his clothes. Will you be alright for a minute?”
“Uh huh,” Ryan replied, chomping down happily on his toast again.
Picking up the bundle, Mark made his way to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he made it to the door well before any brilliant ideas of what to say occurred to him.
He hesitated. The water wasn’t running anymore—hadn’t been for a while—but he wasn’t quite sure what to do. He didn’t want to make things any worse than they already were. Still, Raven was going to need clean clothes, and currently they were on the wrong side of the door. And Mark definitely didn’t want to leave things the way they were right now.
He knocked lightly on the wood panelling. “Raven?”
“Yes?” came a hesitant reply a few seconds later.
“I brought your clothes.”
Another long pause. “Th-thank you.”
Mark held his breath and hoped for the best. “Can I come in?”
There was a rustle of movement behind the thin bathroom door, then Raven cleared his throat. “O-okay.”
Mark eased the door open, heart hammering in his throat as he spotted Raven standing in front of the sink. A towel was cinched tightly around his waist, and even with his arms wrapped defensively around himself, Raven was a glorious sight to behold. Pale, lean and completely beautiful, Mark couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to hurt him.
Even as the thought occurred, something caught Mark’s eye, reflected in the large bathroom mirror behind Raven. Approximately the size of a man’s hand, the distinctive reddish-brown scar tissue of a burn covered Raven’s left shoulder blade.
Without thinking he stepped forward. “What happened to your shoulder?”
Mark’s imagination leapt to all sorts of terrible conclusions, especially given the cigarette burns he had seen on Raven’s chest the night before. Then he remembered all the times Raven had grasped his hands while they made love. The sheet draped over his shoulder. The darkened room.
“You were hiding it from me,” Mark realised aloud.
Raven retreated back against the sink in alarm, his hand flying up to try and cover the scar. He failed miserably, but his wide, frightened eyes certainly distracted Mark from Raven’s shoulder.
He froze, but the damage was already done.
Damn it!
He hadn’t meant to intimidate Raven, but it was hard not to react. When he’d seen the cigarette burns he realised Raven had been badly abused. The mere thought set a tight, angry surge of disgust racing through him. But this… If the burn on Raven’s back had been inflicted intentionally as well, that was something else again.
And
it was evidence.
Mark clenched his jaw in growing rage. These people…they needed to be brought to trial. They needed to be punished. To pay for what they had done to Raven.
“Did you ever report it?” Mark asked, struggling to keep his voice even and calm.
“N-no.” Raven edged away, eyes downcast and cheeks flushed bright red as he moved to press up against the nearby wall until Mark could no longer see his back in the mirror.
“It’s not too late, you know. Even now you could—”
“No!” Raven paused to take a deep, shuddering breath. “I mean… I d-don’t know what you’re t-talking about.”
“Then why are you hiding the burn on your shoulder from me right now?”
Raven went silent and still, swallowing before he continued on as if Mark hadn’t said anything. “Thank you for b-bringing me my clothes.”
“Raven, you—”
“No! Just…just l-leave it.”
“But—”
“I said leave it!”
Shit!
What was he doing? He shouldn’t be badgering Raven. Apart from anything else, it wasn’t helping. He hated that Raven had been hurt like this, by people that were supposed to love him. Not normally a violent man, he wanted to lash out and hit someone and make them pay. Then he wanted to wrap Raven up and make it all better.
But watching Raven—the way he seemed to shut down right before his eyes—he knew this wasn’t the way. He was only making things worse. And he was desperate not to make things any worse for Raven than they already were.
“I’m sorry, Raven. I didn’t mean…” Mark had no idea how to finish. He felt completely out of his depth and unprepared for anything that had happened this morning. “You didn’t have to hide it from me.”
“I n-need to get d-dressed.”
Mark stepped back. He didn’t know what else to do. He had no plan and no idea how to deal with something like this.
“I’m sorry.” Mark suppressed a wince at how pathetic that sounded hanging in the still, humid air of the bathroom. “I’ll just… I’ll be outside with Ryan.”
Raven nodded, staring down at his bare feet the whole time.
Mark turned and hurried from the room, leaving Raven to get dressed in peace. He needed to regroup and figure everything out before he screwed things up permanently.

Ten minutes later, Mark still didn’t have a clue what to do or say as they waited nervously for Ryan to finish using the bathroom. Now neatly dressed and clean, Raven completely avoided eye contact.

They couldn’t leave it like this. It was torture being in the same room, having touched Raven in the most intimate of ways, and yet be so far away from him in every other respect now.

“Raven—”
“I think…” Raven paused to clear his throat. “I think I’ll s-skip running this morning. I’ve g-got a lot to catch up on and…everything. I’m just going to d-drop Ryan off at p-ppreschool and get to w-work.”
Mark swallowed around the lump of fear in his throat. “Are you looking after Wolf this afternoon?”
“N-no. Brody’s home today.”
His heart sank a little lower as Raven still wouldn’t raise his eyes to look at him. Mark could feel him slipping further and further away with every second.
“So, when—”
But before Mark could finish his sentence, Ryan stepped out of the bathroom, drying his hands on his shirt.
“R-ready to go, buddy?” Raven asked—quick and tight, cutting Mark off.
“Uh-huh.”
“Okay.” Raven woodenly turned to address Mark again. “Thank you for l-letting us stay the n-night, Mark.”
“Thank you,” Ryan echoed politely.
“Rav—”
“We’ll see you later, M-Mark. We have to get g-going or we’ll be late for p-preschool.”
As he watched Raven hurry Ryan out the door, Mark was sure of only two things—sex complicated everything enormously and he should never let his little head do the thinking.
Fuck! What a mess!

Raven led the boys up the stairs to the apartment above Sandpipers Restaurant. He was more weary than the day’s activities warranted, but over the past few days he’d kind of got used to that. He hadn’t been sleeping well and everything was so screwed up inside him right now it was hard to force himself to eat properly. Even just going through the day-today motions was draining at the moment.

He tried not to think about it, but the way Mark had looked at him when he’d seen the burn haunted him. It had hurt watching his lover withdraw like that…which was stupid, because he’d wanted space at the time. He could just imagine what Mark’s reaction would be if he ever knew the truth.

Reaching the front door and fumbling with the lock, Raven forced himself to concentrate on what he was supposed to be doing—looking after the boys—and pushed everything else away. He couldn’t deal with any of it right now. He didn’t want to.

“But I’m so tired,” Wolf whined, dumping his bag on the floor by the door, shoulders sagging pathetically.
“Oh what a shame!” Raven sighed theatrically. “And I was g-going to make peanut butter and j-jelly sandwiches for an adventurer’s p-picnic in the living room. But if you’re too t-tired…”
Magically, coats and bags were organised into the appropriate places and two little boys took off towards the bathroom to wash up.
A smile tugged at Raven’s lips for the first time in days. At the same time he breathed a sigh of relief that it had been so easy as he headed towards the kitchen. They were good kids and their antics were almost enough to make him forget how awful he felt right now. He still appreciated not having to do battle with the afternoon routine, but if he just kept moving, maybe he’d make it after all.
His tentative optimism was short lived, however, as he rounded the corner into the kitchen and came face to face with Mark. A jolt of mingled shock and awareness zipped through him like an electric current, rooting him to the floor and drying the spit in his mouth right up. He couldn’t look away, couldn’t even seem to breathe as he was caught up in Mark’s clear, blue-eyed gaze.
“Excellent,” Lark said as he hopped off one of the bar stools pulled up to the counter.
Raven jumped. He hadn’t realised anyone else was in the room until that moment.
“W-what’s going on?” Raven managed to force out, finally tearing his eyes away from Mark.
“Intervention,” Lark announced, picking up a plate of sandwiches and a pitcher of juice from the counter as he headed for the door. “You two need to go for a walk and sort out whatever’s going on between you. I’m putting myself on kidlet duty for the afternoon.”
Raven was completely dumbstruck as he watched Lark walk past him…and for once his inability to speak had absolutely nothing to do with his stammer.
“You two crazy kids have fun now,” Lark sing-songed.
“Lark! W-wait,” Raven called out, snapped back into action by the terrifying realisation he was in danger of being left alone in the same room as Mark. He wasn’t ready for this. Wasn’t ready at all. “You d-don’t have to do that. There’s n-nothing going on.”
“Bullshit. You both look like crap. Go for a walk.”
Lark left the room without a backwards glance.
“There’s no point in arguing,” Mark said from behind him. “We might as well do as we’re told.”
Raven swallowed as he worked through his options. There weren’t many. Running had a certain simplistic appeal, but in the end, he probably wasn’t going to get away with it—not if Lark and Mark were working together on this. At least if he went for a walk he’d be moving. He wouldn’t have to look Mark in the eye while he…did what needed to be done. He’d been hoping to avoid it a little longer—the conversation that would drive Mark out of his life. Just the thought sent a wave of grief crashing over him, but they might as well get it over with.
Raven fought down the heavy weight of what he knew was coming and made his way down the hallway—aware with every fibre of his being of Mark’s presence behind him.
As he passed by the living room, he paused in the doorway. Ryan and Wolf were already steadily working their way through their afternoon snack around the coffee table while Lark was busy pushing furniture out of the way in preparation for them to build a ‘tent’ with blankets and pillows.
“Hey, b-buddy,” Raven called. “I’ve just got to g-go out for a bit. Lark’s going to l-look after you, okay?”
“Can we come?”
“Not this t-time. You stay here and have fun with Wolf. I won’t be l-long.”
“Okay.” Ryan took another bite of his sandwich then turned back to start chatting to Wolf again.
At least Ryan seemed happy enough with the arrangements. He wished he could say the same. The sharp claws of anxiety dug into his belly.
Raven turned and headed for the front door, Mark still silently shadowing him. Down the steps and across the parking lot, it wasn’t until they were well away from the restaurant and a good way into their walk that Mark finally broke the silence.
“I just wanted to say I had nothing to do with this, in case you’re wondering. Lark trapped me too.”
Great, Mark didn’t want to be here either. The knowledge didn’t make Raven feel any better about the situation.
“I have to admit I didn’t put up too much of a fight, though. We need to talk.”
Raven sneaked a look at Mark to find him staring back—steadfast and implacable. Finally, Raven agreed with a small nod of his head. He didn’t want to, but he had to concede the point. It was still a long minute before either of them were brave enough to break the silence.
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Mark said.
“S-sorry. I’ve been…b-busy.” Raven couldn’t look at Mark as the little white lie slipped past his lips.
Mark glanced across at him, the look clearly saying he knew it was a load of rubbish. But Mark didn’t call him on it. Somehow it only made Raven feel worse.
Raven lowered his head, watching his feet steadily eating up the distance along the boardwalk they’d inadvertently strayed onto—the boardwalk they’d run together so many times over the past few weeks. Raven took a deep breath. He had to end the torture—for both their sakes.
“It’s n-not going to work out, M-Mark.”
“That’s funny, I thought things were working out just great between us the other night.”
Raven felt himself flush. There was a slightly bitter edge to Mark’s voice, but he guessed he had a right to it. It wasn’t Mark’s fault Raven was all screwed up.
Raven felt a tear well and threaten to spill over.
“Raven…” Mark said, soft and pained, the hint of an apology underlying the word as he reached out for him.
Raven jerked away. Just as unexpectedly as the tear had appeared, he was suddenly incredibly angry—mostly with himself.
“D-don’t!”
“Raven, please. I—”
“You don’t g-get it. We need to stop this.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“That’s not good enough,” Mark snapped back. “You have to give me a better reason than—”
“Because you deserve b-better.”
“What?” Mark’s eyes went wide. “No! I don’t—”
“Yes! L-look at me. L-look at what happened the other d-day. How can you w-want that?”
“Oh please!” Mark retorted, exasperation bleeding into his voice now.
“Don’t!” Raven took a breath. “I’m s-serious.”
“So am I.”
Raven couldn’t look at Mark. The fierce sincerity and determination were terrifying. Not in the least because Raven knew it couldn’t last. One day soon Mark would wake up and realise he could do so much better.
“You asked me to trust you the other night,” Mark continued. Raven turned away. Yes, he’d asked for trust, and look how it had turned out. “I’m asking you for the same thing. I want to be with you. You can’t just tell me I deserve better and walk away because it doesn’t work like that. I want
you
.”
Raven paced away—a chaotic ball of agitation forming deep in his belly, blossoming outwards and threatening to consume him. “It’s all j-just so…”
“So what, Raven?” Mark finally prompted.
Something snapped inside Raven. “So fucked up! I c-can’t even get
this
right!”
“What? What can’t you get right? Because from where I’m standing you’ve been doing grea—”
“I just w-wanted to be like everyone else. To be n-normal!”
“Raven, slow down. I don’t—”
“This. Us. Being together. I wanted it. But…it’s all messed up now. I had the stupid fflash—” Raven took a deep breath. “The stupid dream. I wanted it so bad, but l-look what happened. And now…”
There might have been a sob choked off at the end, but Raven refused to acknowledge it. He felt like enough of a wuss right now without sobbing.
Raven turned away—he couldn’t bear to see what expression might be on Mark’s face.
“Raven, I don’t want you to be like everyone else. I’ve never wanted you to be anyone but you.”
“What, all fucked up?” Raven spat.
“Stop it! You’re not fucked up. Just…just give yourself a break!”
Mark stepped closer and Raven braced himself. He could feel Mark’s warmth radiating out towards him, but they didn’t actually touch. And the really crazy thing was he couldn’t decide if he was grateful or disappointed by that. The desire to be held and comforted was a dangerous siren’s song doing battle with his deep need to be free and move and run if he had to.
Mark’s voice was almost a plea when he continued. “You’re smart and funny and kind. You work hard and you’re doing an amazing job of raising a wonderful little boy. You’re a good man, Raven. And I want you. Why can’t you just accept that?”
Raven tried not to fall for the words or the gentle sentiment behind them. But it was hard. A big part of him wanted to lean in, to take and accept what Mark was saying. But he was afraid. How could they ever make it work? And even if they did, how could it possibly last?
“What if I’m never n-normal? W-what if it’s always like this?”
“Raven, I’m not being flip, but what do you think normal is anyway? I’m a neurotic perfectionist with no life. I’m not exactly easy to live with sometimes, but…I want to be with you. And I’m hoping you’ll still hang around even when I do get all obsessive-compulsive on you.”
“It’s n-not the same thing. What if I c-can’t…you know. I mean I know we did before, but w-what if it happens again? Or if…w-what if it starts w-while we’re… What if we can nnever be together like that without me f-freaking out and screwing everything up?”
“Then we stop. We wait. We try again. Or we don’t do those things that make you uncomfortable. It’s not going to be a deal breaker. I won’t let it.”
“How c-can you say that?” Raven asked in disbelief. Shocked into looking back at Mark, he was stunned by the candour he found in his lover’s expression. “Y-you can’t—”
“Please don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. I’m thirty-three years old. Nearly thirtyfour. I’ve helped raise two kids and run kitchens that prepare hundreds of meals a day. I know my own mind.” Raven had never seen Mark so fired up. Feet set firmly apart, shoulders back, eyes alive with conviction—Raven couldn’t tear his gaze away. Mark was magnificent…and utterly petrifying at the same time. “If all I ever get to do is play on the beach with you and Ryan, and eat hotdogs and ice cream sundaes so we have to go run them off together the next day, then I’m fine with that.” Suddenly Mark’s voice softened, the tension in his body melting away. “I’ll take whatever you can give me. I’ll take you, just the way you are. If you’ll let me.”
The words washed over Raven, slipping inside like a thief and stealing his resolve to do the right thing—to let Mark go before he messed the man around anymore than he already had. Before Mark realised what a lost cause he was. Right now he couldn’t stand himself as he weakened under Mark’s persuasion. It would be so easy to cave right now. He wanted it. He wanted to feel Mark wrapped around him again. But could he handle it?
“I hate this. I j-just… I hate this.”
“Do you hate me?”
“No!”
“Do you still want me?”
Mark sounded so stark and vulnerable in that moment Raven ached with it. He certainly couldn’t lie. “Yes.”
The relief and shy joy on Mark’s face was breathtaking.
“I just… I c-can’t…h-how will this ever w-work?”
Mark, moving slowly and carefully, took Raven’s face between his hands and lowered his head in a sweet, gentle kiss that made Raven forget about everything else, even breathing.
“Remember how I said to you that there was no need to rush?” Raven found himself nodding, completely captivated by Mark’s intense blue eyes. “There’s no need to rush, Raven. Don’t throw this away. Just give me a chance. Give us a chance. I’m not asking for it to be perfect. I just want an opportunity to try. I… I really care for you.”
Raven’s heart hammered in his chest. This was so hard—harder than agreeing to go out with Mark in the first place. Would it always be this difficult? Would it eventually be too much—?
Raven cut the thought off. Being defeatist was
always
a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it wasn’t easy to stop worrying.