Jaded (Rock Star Trilogy) (20 page)

Stephan rides with me to school, as usual.

“
Is Bridgett feeling better?” He sounds concerned, and it feels good to know that he cares about my family.

I nod. “I think so. We just needed some sister bonding time.”

“So, I was wondering...” he rubs his hands on his jeans like he's nervous. “When you said that about going back to LA after you graduate...”

I cut him off. “When I say that, I mean I'm not done with music. It's my dream, and it's about time I start living
my
dream
my
way.”

He smiles, but I can tell it's forced. “Good. I'm glad you're doing this. You deserve it.”

“Stephan, what is it you're not saying?” I push.

He clears his throat. “Well, I know this is all... premature... But let's say that we are still dating in nine months when you leave, what would happen to us?”

I bite my lip to keep from smiling. It's true that it is premature, thinking like this. I know it's dangerous, but I can't help but be thrilled about Stephan thinking about a future with me.

“
Well, I guess I would just have to take you with me,” I say, staring at the road ahead. I'm scared to look at him... Mostly scared to see what his reaction is.

“
Of course, this is all hypothetical.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “You could definitely dump me before then.”

“
Or you could dump me.”

“
Not going to happen. You would definitely be the one doing the dumping,” he argues.

I shake my head. “No way. I'm
never
dumping you.” Ok, maybe it's a little cheesy and cliché, but I can't help but be thrilled by our conversation.

“
Then I guess we are
stuck
together.”

“
Of course,” I say. “Unless you cheat on me. Then, I'm totally dumping you. No hard feelings or anything, I just don't like cheaters.”

He clears his throat. “I would never cheat on you. I've seen how bad cheating hurts people first hand, and I would
never
do that to you.”

And now I feel bad. “Crap, Stephan, I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking. I didn't mean to say that.”

“It's ok,” he responds. “I just needed you to know that I would never do that. I like you way too much.”

There is no hiding my smile. “I like you a lot, too.”

12:07 pm

Feelings and crap

Stephan and I sit where Ethan and I used to sit. Now Ethan sits with the “
populars
”. I see why Mona was so hard against Ethan and Stephan now, but I still don't like her. She really blames the wrong person for what
her mother
and
Stephan's father
did. In her own twisted way, she thinks the whole thing is Stephan's fault. Maybe blaming somebody other than her mother helps her cope.

I laugh at my thoughts. Geez, I go to one therapy session and I think I'm an expert on feelings and crap.

Stephan and I are in the middle of a conversation about what makes a car run when we are disrupted. Thank God. I didn't think I could handle one more minute of listening about how a fuel filter works.

“
Can I talk to you?” Mona asks.

Ok, so it's not exactly somebody I
want
to talk to... But anything to get me out of this dreadful conversation about cars.

“
Sure,” I say, then turn to Stephan. “Give me just a minute.”

I follow Mona out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. She stops abruptly, then turns to me. She looks at the ground for a few seconds, and fidgets with her hands.

“I just...” she pauses. “I want to apologize for the party. It isn't your fault. What happened, it's between Stephan and me.”

I shake my head. “You think that
this
is between you two?”

“
Yeah,” she nods.

“
THIS
was between your parents, and Stephan had
no part
of this,” I defend him. “It's not me you should be apologizing to, it's
Stephan
.”

She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “Well, it's his fault that the whole school knows. I was happy keeping the whole thing a secret.”

“Nothing is a secret in this town, Mona.
NOTHING
. I highly doubt Stephan told the secret, but even if he did, it was only a matter of time before it got out.”

“
I really don't care. Seeing him, it's just a reminder of the whore my mother was. I don't want to hate my mom, but everyday when I pass him in the hallways, I hate her a little more.” Her voice is cold.

“
You have issues
. I really think you should talk to somebody about it, because this is not healthy. Hate is a terrible feeling, especially since you feel it towards your deceased parent... And carrying around this burden for two years has got to be terrible.”

“
I
didn't know
until six months ago! Stephan was the one who told me. Maybe everybody else knew, but I was blissfully unaware. My father lied about her death. He didn't want me to know what really happened. He didn't want me to hate her like he hates her.”

I am not sure what I am supposed to say to her, but I know the words out of my mouth are completely wrong. “I'm sorry that he told you, but at least he had the balls to tell you the truth, unlike your father.”

“You bitch.” She shoves me, and then storms off.

She's right. I
am
a bitch. I can't believe I just said that to her. That was so terrible.

3:07 pm

Just a loner

I feel like shit the rest of the day. I feel so terrible about what I said to Mona, and my heart feels heavy with guilt. I know that I have to apologize to her, but I also know she needs time to cool off first.

“What is wrong with you? You've been so quiet ever since your talk with Mona.”

I sigh. “I said something kind of mean to her. I was just defending you, but still, it came out all wrong. I was a complete bitch to her.”

“What did you say?” he asks.

“
Well, she told me that you were the one to tell her about the affair. And then I responded by telling her at least
you
had the balls to tell her the truth,
unlike her father
.” I hang my head just a little as I tell him. “I am such a terrible person.”

He laughs, and not just a “
ha, ha
”, I mean he is laughing so hard he literally has tears coming out of his eyes.

“
It's
not funny
.”

“
She played you, Scar. Mona is the
biggest bitch
I have ever met, and she's a damn good actress too. She knew the whole time.”

“
It didn't seem like she knew,” I say, remembering the tears in her eyes.

“
Like I said, she deserves a fucking Oscar. Not only is she a good liar, but she's a manipulator too.” He shakes his head angrily. “Ever wonder why
nobody
at school talks to me? Like
ever
...” He pauses. “Or at least until the bonfire.”

Actually, I hadn't, but I don't let him know that. “I always thought you were just a loner.”

“Nope,” he informs me. “I actually had quite a few friends before the end of school last year.”

“
And here I was feeling sorry for her...” I try to shake it off, but I can't. I decide that I am definitely going to apologize to Mona. Playing me or not, she deserves an apology for what I said to her.

“
Mona has never been a victim a day in her life. Don't feel sorry for her.”

I'm beginning to think the hate is very two sided, but I don't say anything. From now on, I am going to keep my nose out of it. They will work it out on their own.

“So do you want to hang out tonight? Ethan's dad installed this killer sound system, and I am in need of an action movie marathon.”

“
Not tonight. Bridgett and I have a follow up appointment...” I shut my mouth suddenly. Crap, what am I supposed to say?

“
Follow up appointment?”

“
We are seeing a therapist,” which is the truth. “You know, the whole being separated for 19 years... It's been a hard adjustment,” I lie. I hate lying, but it isn't
my
secret to tell, and I feel like I have to protect Bridgett.

“
That's probably a good thing. Maybe we can just hang out tomorrow?”

“
Sure,” I say.

Friday, October 2

5:15 pm

More than lust.

The week goes by too fast, and too slow at the same time. I'm so nervous about my day tomorrow, seeing Stacy after nine years. I'm scared that she will hate me... Scared that I will find out that I
am
the reason she left, which is just crazy I know. I was 10 at the time. It
wasn't
my fault, but I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Friday afternoon, Bridgett and I go hang out at Stephan's house. Bridge is hanging out with Ethan, and Sarah. They are all cooking dinner. My sister
actually
likes to cook, which is something else we definitely do not have in common.

Stephan and I sneak off to his room.

“So you've never cooked before, ever?” he asks, as we walk into his room.

“
I can honestly say that I haven't. Not even boiling water,” I admit. “However, I have microwaved food before.” Only a couple of times on the tour bus, but I don't tell him that.

“
We are going to have to change that.”

“
Totally,” I agree. “Maybe we can have a
romantic
dinner on Sunday? You can cook for me, while I watch of course.”

“
Or we could cook together,” he suggests. “Of course, you'd have to promise to wear something sexy.”

“
I could be naked,” I joke, pulling off my shirt. I have a tank top on underneath, but the look on Stephan's face is priceless.

He nods, approvingly. “I would be ok with you being nude. In fact, I would kind of enjoy it.”

I put my hands on my hips, and try to look shocked. “Stephan, are
you
trying to
seduce
me?”

“
Maybe.” He smiles at me, and I feel my knees get weak. A smile should
not
do that. He pulls me into his arms, and gently puts his lips on mine. When our lips touch, I feel as though my heart completely
stops
, then it jumps into
overdrive
. I can never get enough of Stephan, never enough of this feeling...

I've never been in love and I'm not even sure what I'm feeling is love. I just know that I never want this feeling to go away. It's more than just lust, more than just
like
.

Stephan puts his hand on the small of my back, and gently pulls me closer to him until every inch of our body is touching. With his other hand, he's holding the back of my neck.

I want so much more than to just kiss him. I want nothing more than for him to throw me down on his bed, and have his way with me. I want him to devour every inch of my body, but he doesn't. I realize the fact that he keeps his hands at a safe spot and the fact that he hasn't tried to have sex with me is the reason why I am falling for him.

Yes, I know... After one month of knowing Stephan, I admit that I
am
falling for him. Maybe it's too fast, but
I don't care
. I can't help how I'm feeling. I know Stephan better than I've known anybody, and he knows me. I've told him all my dark, and dirty secrets – and he still is
crazy
about me.

A sudden knock on the door makes us step away from each other quickly. Ethan sticks his head through the crack, and he looks at us with amusement.

“Dinner is almost ready,” he says, then leaves.

I let out the breath that I realize I had been holding. “Wow.” I don't mean to say it, it just comes out of my mouth.

“Yeah, wow,” Stephan agrees. He walks back over to me, and puts his arms around me. “You know that I'm
crazy about you
, right?”

I nod. “The feeling is
very
mutual.”

“
I know.” He kisses my forehead, then grabs my hand, pulling me behind him.

9:37 pm

'Swimming'.