In some ways—for example, professionally—Nikki had a lot of confidence, but where relationships were concerned, and men in general, she possessed enough ego to fill the head of a pin, if that. Still, she hoped those mumbled words had been true. Even if nothing ever resulted from that confession, she’d always hug the memory close to her heart.
The next time Nikki entered the bedroom to check on Thomas, she could tell he was having nightmares. His forehead was sweating profusely, his body was shaking slightly, and he kept mumbling incoherently in a sad, broken voice that left her wondering more than ever before just what Detective O’Rourke had said to him on the phone to cause this.
“Amy,” Thomas muttered, a pained expression on his face even in slumber, “my sweet Amy.”
Nikki closed her eyes, hating herself for feeling jealousy. He was obviously speaking about a woman who had meant a great deal to him, a woman who had been killed at Lucifer’s hands. She was dead, this woman, and yet Nikki was jealous of her. She hated admitting to it, but knew it was true.
Thomas’s labored breathing told her his heart rate was over the top, a fact that made her forget her jealousy long enough to run to the bed and sit down beside him. “Shhh . . . you’re okay, big guy,” she whispered, running a soothing hand over his perspiration-drenched forehead. “It’s just a dream.”
“Amy,” he whimpered, the first vulnerable sound she’d ever heard him make. He flung an arm over his head. “I love you.”
Nikki closed her eyes against the pain, reminding herself that the woman was dead.
Don’t be jealous of a ghost
.
That’s not right.
Right or not, the jealousy she felt in regards to Amy clawed at her gut, made her want to run as far and as fast as she could. It made her want to quit loving Thomas . . . .
Love him? She sighed. She just didn’t know. But what she was certain of was the fact that she cared very deeply for him, apparently deeply enough to even experience jealousy she had no right to feel. And because she cared for him, the rest shouldn’t matter. She needed to help him get through this night, if nothing else. When he had recovered, she would deal with the rest.
“Amy’s okay,” she whispered, tears welling in her eyes. She hated the pain he was going through and hated herself for the jealous way she’d reacted to it. “She’s in a safe place now. Get some sleep, Thomas.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead. “Get some sleep.”
“I’m so sorry,” Thomas rasped out before he finally collapsed and fell back to sleep. “Amy . . . so damn sorry.”
Nikki inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly. “She loves you, too,” she whispered, her voice catching. “Go to sleep.”
Chapter 22
Thursday, July 24 1:08 P·M·
Nikki’s bags had been packed and ready to go since
six o’clock in the morning. She hadn’t gotten very much restful sleep last night, so as the day wore on she felt more and more fatigued. She had come this close to calling a cab and returning to Cleveland without telling Thomas in person, but in the end decided that as much as he had gone out of his way to protect her, she at least owed him something in the way of an explanation.
Not that she could tell him the truth about why she was leaving. The truth was too embarrassing . . . and didn’t reflect well on her as a person.
What would she say to him if he pressed for the total truth? How could she ever look herself in the mirror again if she heard herself say the words aloud:
I am jealous of a dead woman. Yes, a serial killer is stalking me, but I’d rather face him than these feelings I have for you. No, I did not pass the sixth grade . . . .
Nikki sighed as she placed her bags next to the front door, then stood there and stared at them. She knew Thomas was going to think she was an idiot for leaving, but in the end what could he do to stop her?
And would he even try? She morosely considered the fact that he might be just as eager to see her go. Maybe he was as uncomfortable being locked away with her in a world that boasted a population of two as she now was with him.
“Going somewhere, Doc?”
Nikki spun around on her heel, her eyes rounding. “I didn’t realize you’d woken up yet.”
Thomas frowned. “Apparently not,” he muttered as he slowly walked toward her. “I’ve been awake for some time. Recovering.”
Nikki’s heart began rapidly palpitating, the same way it generally did in the detective’s presence. Wearing only jeans, jeans that were slightly unzipped at that, he looked as masculinely beautiful as ever. She glanced down, absently noting the black hair that tapered off into a thin line that trailed down into his jeans and disappeared, before glancing back up to his face.
“I wasn’t going to leave without telling you,” she whispered.
His eyes narrowed. “You aren’t going to leave period,” he growled.
“Thomas . . .”
“What the hell is this about?” His nostrils flared. “Tell me.”
She inclined her head, preparing to spew out her well-rehearsed speech. “I appreciate everything you’ve done to protect me,” Nikki began, “but I need to get back to work before I don’t have a work left to go to. I’ll stay with Kim and Megan,” she said quickly when his eyes further narrowed. “I’ll have a well-trained guard with me at all times.” She tentatively smiled, glad that she’d managed to get the entire speech out so well despite the fact that she felt like she was dying on the inside.
“Bullshit,” he ground out, making her smile fade. “You’ll have a well-trained guard with you at all times, true. I know that’s true because I’m him.” His jaw clenched. “Otherwise, everything you said is bullshit and we both know it.”
Her chin went up a notch. “I’m leaving and that’s that.” Nikki sighed, rubbing her temples. “Look, Thomas, I don’t want to argue. You and I both know it’s illegal to hold me here against my will. There’s no point in going through this. I’m leaving and I’m not changing my mind. Would you like to return to Cleveland with me, or should I call a cab and catch a flight?”
Thomas smiled—something he rarely did, so it immediately put her on guard. “Did you notice the deadbolt?” he murmured.
Nikki’s eyebrows drew together. “Yes, what about it?”
“Did you notice it’s been engaged, and won’t open without a key?”
She stilled. She swiveled her neck around far enough to see what he was talking about. Sure enough, there it was. A tiny padlock she hadn’t noticed before. A tiny padlock she was certain hadn’t been there before. She whirled around to face him. “What kind of a game are you playing here? Give me the damn key!”
His eyebrows shot up. “Finders keepers, losers weepers.”
She gritted her teeth. “What you are doing is illegal, immoral, and . . . and . . . arrg! Just give me the damn key!”
“Nope.”
“I want to go home!” she screeched. “Thomas Cavanah—give me that key!”
“No.” Thomas turned on his heel and strode toward the kitchen.
Nikki felt like screaming with frustration. Instead, she stomped off into the next room, following him. “What is the big deal if someone protects me here or in Cleveland? As to that, what’s to stop Lucifer from finding me in Cincinnati if he wants me badly enough? What the hell is wrong with you? I want to leave!”
Thomas turned around and glared down at her. “Why?” he barked. “Tell me the truth or this conversation is over.”
“I did tell you the truth!”
He frowned. “You might as well go to the bedroom and take a load off, Doc,” he muttered. “Because this conversation is officially over.”
Nikki’s eyes turned a bit desperate. “You can’t just keep me here like this,” she breathed. “I want to leave. Don’t force me to call the police on you, Thomas.”
He sighed as he opened up the refrigerator. “You’ll leave when I say so and not a moment before then,” he told her in a monotone. “Would you like something to eat?”
Her nostrils flared. “Then you leave me no choice. I’m calling the police,” she informed him as she spun around and made her way toward the living room.
Thomas slammed the refrigerator door shut and stomped off behind her. “Good luck,” he growled, “because I’ve taken care of that situation too.”
Nikki ignored him as she scooped the phone up off of its cradle.
“I knew you were packing, Doc. I saw you this morning when I got up to shower!”
She gasped when she realized the phone line had been disabled. “This is really smart!” she fumed as she slammed the phone down and spun around on her heel to face off with him. “What if something should happen and we needed to call out!”
“I’ll use my cell!” he bellowed. His hand slashed through the air. “You’re staying put, and that is that!”
“Thomas!” Nikki took a deep breath and blew it out. “Why are you doing this?” she asked more quietly, the fight slowly draining out of her. “Why?”
His jaw was clenched so tightly it looked like it might crack. “Because I don’t want you to leave me,” he snarled. “There. I said it. Happy?”
Silence.
Yes, she was happy, she thought, swallowing. More than she cared to admit.
Nikki steeled herself against her emotions, feeling like she’d go mad if she didn’t get some time away to sort through her confused thoughts. She hated herself right now, but she needed to leave.
“I can’t stay,” she said softly, glancing away. She shook her head, sounding as defeated as she looked. “I just can’t.”
“Is it because I’m a cop?” he asked roughly. “You decided that fucking me is akin to slumming it?”
“No!” How could he think that? “That’s not true at all!”
His expression didn’t gentle. “Then why?” Thomas demanded. “Make me understand.”
“Because . . .” she began. Her mouth worked up and down to give him the truth, but nothing came out. “Because,” she quietly reiterated.
“You’re going to have to do better than that,” he gritted out. “WHY?”
She closed her eyes. “Because maybe I don’t want to be a replacement,” she softly admitted, ignoring the anger in his voice.
Thomas blinked. “A what?” he frowned.
“A replacement.” Her eyes opened.
“I heard you. But what the hell are you talking about?”
Her nostrils flared. Fine. He wanted to know the truth? Well then she’d give it to him! “Amy,” she snapped. “She’s all you talked about in your sleep last night, Detective.”
Nikki felt like a trapped animal. She needed to get out of here—out and far away. Before she said anything else to make herself look like a bigger jerk. She marched toward the door, picking up her bags. “There! Now I’ve admitted what an asshole I am to be jealous of a dead woman! Now will you open the goddamn door!” she screeched, her face turning red.
“I don’t believe this,” Thomas muttered, shaking his head. His hands took to his hips in the football stance he favored. “Put down your bags and sit down.
Please
.”
“Open. The. Door,” she bit out, seething. “Now!”
“Sit down!” he bellowed.
“Open the door!” Nikki whirled around and began beating at the door. “Somebody help me! Call the police!”
Thomas was at the door in two big steps. He seized her by the shoulders and spun her around. “Stop it!” he raged, shaking her. “Goddamn it!”
Nikki wanted to cry. All she wanted to do was leave. She hadn’t wanted to admit to her irrational jealousy, nor did she want to cause him further upset by going on about it. “
Please
. . . I know I don’t have any right to feel this way,” she said, her voice catching, “but I just need some time—”
“Amy was my daughter,” Thomas said hoarsely, his dark gaze searching her face.
Nikki stilled. Her heart stopped beating for a moment. “Oh my God,” she whispered.
Thomas’s hands dropped from her shoulders. He turned around and slowly walked away a few paces. “Her mom—we were young,” he said quietly. “Young and reckless. Eileen was fifteen when she got pregnant, and I was sixteen.” He sighed, his back still to her, his hands finding his hips again. “She died giving birth,” he murmured, inducing Nikki’s hand to clamp over her mouth. “She lived about an hour, long enough to name our daughter Amy, and then she was gone.”
Nikki slowly lowered her hand and balled it into a fist. “I . . . oh, Thomas,” she said, her voice shaking.
“I don’t remember much of Eileen,” he admitted. “We’d only been going together a few months when she got pregnant. But Amy . . . well, she was the love of my life.”
“I’m sure she was,” she whispered.
“Amy was special,” Thomas murmured. She could hear the pride in his voice. “She loved everybody, trusted everybody, always smiling. I don’t think I ever saw that girl frown.” He shook his head and sighed, his muscled back still to her. “I’ve never been real on the sunny side personality-wise, but my girl, she was like this bright shining light that never dimmed. An angel on earth I got to have for sixteen years. When she died . . .”
Nikki’s eyes briefly closed as she choked back her tears. She knew how Amy’d died. At Richard’s—Lucifer’s—hands. “I’m so sorry.”
Thomas turned around and faced her. Tears were gathered in his eyes, but they didn’t fall. “She was raped and tortured for four days,” he rasped out. “It’s hard to live with myself, knowing that for four long days she spent every moment wondering why Daddy wasn’t coming in to make the bad man stop hurting her.”
“Oh, Thomas.” Nikki felt like she was going to be sick. “Don’t blame yourself. Amy must have known you did everything you could—”
“Let me show you a picture of my Amy,” Thomas interrupted as he reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his wallet. “I think you’ll understand why I know that can’t be true.”
Nikki stilled, not certain what he meant. When he placed the worn photograph in her hand, a photograph she could tell he’d looked at countless times, her gaze slowly flicked down to Amy. She stopped breathing altogether, her eyes widening.
It was a photograph of Thomas and his daughter together at Christmas. They were both smiling, looking so happy. Thomas was holding on his lap a gorgeous sixteen-year-old girl with dark hair so much like his own. Amy’s eyes, unlike her father’s eyes however, were green and . . . severely sloped.