"I'd like to go out. Especially since it's our wedding day," she said quietly.
Jake's brown eyes darkened.
"Do I need to change?"
His jaw tensed as he surveyed her royal blue blouse and slacks. "You're fine the way you are. I'll change and we can go."
Sara had always felt as if Jake could see right through her. Since she knew he knew what was underneath the clothes, she couldn't prevent the heat flushing her cheeks.
Jake didn't comment but went into his bedroom, a room she'd shared with him one night long ago.
Christopher's day had been a long, exciting one. His eyelids started to droop by dessert, and he fell asleep in the car on the way home. Jake carried Christopher up to his new bedroom. Sara undressed the little boy while Jake found a pair of pajamas in the suitcase.
"Sleepy, Mommy," Christopher grumbled.
"I know, honey. Let's go to the bathroom and then you can crawl right into bed."
Jake helped Sara put Christopher into his pajamas. He held a sleeve as Sara guided the little boy's hand through. While she buttoned up the shirt, he plugged the night light into the receptacle by the window.
Sara found Christopher's teddy bear at the foot of the bed and tucked the toy in beside the little boy. Then she leaned close and kissed his cheek. "Good night, little one. Happy dreams."
Sara saw Jake look down at his son and brush his fine brown hair across his brow before following her into the hall and down the stairs. She wasn't sure what to do next.
Conversation seemed preferable to the awkward silence.
There was something she knew she had to say. "Thank you for Christopher's room."
His brows arched as if her thank you surprised him. "You're welcome. You really think he likes it?"
"I know he does. Especially the toy box. It was thoughtful of you."
"Not excessive?"
She shook her head. "No. Jake, I'm sorry about what I said..."
Bracing his hand on the wall above her head, he admitted, "I thought about what you said, and you're right. Buying Christopher presents won't make me a father. I have a feeling it's going to be trial and error."
She smiled and her heart raced at Jake's closeness. She could still smell the scent of his soap mixed with his own male scent that made her stomach quiver. "Aren't most things?"
"I suppose." He straightened and towered over her. "I have some work to do that I put aside this week. I'll be in my office if you need anything."
"Oh." She couldn't hide her disappointment.
He heard it. "What?"
She shrugged. "I thought maybe we could talk for a while."
His brows arched. "About?"
"Anything. Jake, this is our wedding day."
"And I'm doing the best I can with it. What do you want? Champagne and toasting each other by candlelight?"
"A toast to our future would be nice."
He ran his hand quickly over his face. "Sara, I'm still so angry about what you did--"
Before she thought better of it, she clasped his arm. "You didn't want children. Can't you understand I thought I was making the best decision for both of us?"
He glanced down at her hand and she took it away, but not before she felt the muscle, the springy hair, the pure maleness of him.
"Why now, Sara? Why after all this time did you decide to tell me? Because you can't make it on your own?"
"No! I'm sure I can find another job, especially here. And Christopher and I have always had what we needed. I came back for lots of reasons. Over the years I've missed Dad terribly. He died at such an important time in my life--right before I started high school, when I was beginning to look at boys differently, when I had so many doubts about myself, what I wanted to do with my life. The last three years, parenting Christopher alone, I realized how difficult those years must have been for Mom. Especially when I lost her so suddenly, I realized Christopher needed more than me, more than visiting Aunt El now and then. He needed a connection with his father if that was possible."
"You really thought I might not want that connection?"
"I honestly didn't know."
Jake looked down at her, searching her face, his gaze lingering on her lips. "You didn't know me."
"Maybe not," she whispered.
"And I never knew you. I never suspected you could hide something so important."
His brown eyes held disappointment and sadness, too much for him to disguise. When she'd walked out on him, had she killed his love for her? She bit her lip. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "Sorry isn't good enough. It won't make up for the years I've lost."
"What can I do?"
"That's just it, Sara. There's nothing you can do. Maybe time will help. I don't know."
She struggled to hide the emotions coursing through her, but especially the way she still felt about Jake--although he obviously had lost all feeling for her, except his anger and resentment. "And you think we can still have a marriage?"
He jammed his hands into the pockets of his black shorts. "We can be parents to Christopher."
"Don't we matter?"
"Not right now."
Fighting back tears, she made one last attempt at some kind of relationship. "At least let me be your friend."
"I trust my friends, Sara."
What he didn't say was clear. He didn't trust her. She swallowed hard, trying to ignore how much his words hurt, trying to look at their life together realistically. "I usually make breakfast around eight. Is that all right?"
He studied her for a moment. "Eight is fine. I usually just grab a cup of coffee but that might change with Christopher around. I went to the store yesterday and stocked up on everything I could think of. If you can't find something, just ask."
Her gaze met his. "I will."
Familiar gold sparks flashed in his eyes. He reached out and brushed a stray lock of hair away from her cheek. "You looked beautiful today, Sara."
She had no answer, no murmured "thank you," because all her emotions jammed as the heat of his fingers scorched her cheek, as remembered tenderness was evident in his touch.
Dropping his hand, he said, "I'll see you in the morning."
All she could do was nod, watch him walk away, and wonder if marrying him was an even bigger mistake than running away when she was twenty.
Chapter Four
"Mommy! Mommee--"
Sara came awake and was on her feet instantly. Without bothering to grab her robe, she dashed toward her son's cry, sliding onto the bed beside him and holding him in her arms. "What's wrong, honey?"
The hall light went on and Jake's shadow fell across the bed. He waited there, watching Sara, watching his son.
Christopher tightened his arms around Sara's neck. "I wanna sleep wif you."
Sara hugged him then leaned away. "Okay. But can you tell me why?"
"'Cause...I don' know. I just wanna sleep wif you."
"Did you have a bad dream?"
He shrugged.
"Are you afraid to sleep in here by yourself?"
He nodded.
"You have Teddy with you," she soothed.
"I wanna go wif you."
Sara combed his hair back from his forehead. "You can sleep with me if you're sure that's what you want to do. Or I could stay here with you until you fall asleep again."
Christopher poked his finger in his mouth and thought about it. "Okay. Can I sleep wif Elmo, too?"
Jake strode across the room, plucked the plush toy from the shelf and set it in Christopher's lap. His hand brushed Sara's midriff. Suddenly she was aware of the intimacy of the situation. At first, her only concern had been Christopher. Now, sitting before Jake, his bare chest sprinkled with a matt of light brown curling hair, his black silk shorts riding low on his hips, she was more aware than ever that this was their wedding night, and they were spending it in separate rooms.
She tried to speak but had to clear her throat and try again. "We'll be all right if you want to go back to bed."
His gaze flicked over her quickly, then he slowly crossed to the doorway. "Christopher, would you like me to leave the hall light on?"
The three-year-old nodded.
Jake gave his son a smile. "I'll see you in the morning."
Sara waited until Jake was back in his room before she slid down into Christopher's bed and he squiggled and snuggled with Elmo and Teddy, finally settling against her. "'Night, Mommy," he murmured.
She kissed his cheek.
Sara had not intended to fall asleep. She'd planned to wait until Christopher slept before slipping back to her room. But when she opened her eyes and saw the clock on her son's shelf read four a.m., she realized she'd dozed off.
Christopher lay on his side, Elmo under his arm, his bear by his side. Sara sat up and swung her legs soundlessly over the side. Stopping in the doorway, she made sure her son was still sleeping.
She'd turned toward her room when Jake appeared in the hall. Startled, she jumped.
"I didn't mean to scare you."
"You didn't. I just didn't expect you to still be awake."
"I heard you get out of Christopher's bed."
"I didn't make any noise."
"Squeaky floor board," Jake explained. "In the dead of night, instincts take over and I can't forget I was a cop."
His brown eyes held her where she stood, though she knew she should get back to her room. His face was too close to hers, his voice was too night-husky. He was danger and safety and too much man for her peace of mind as he stood within reach. Her pulse fluttered at her throat, and her nipples hardened.
Jake's gaze brushed across her lips and lingered on the neckline of her peach cotton gown. Her common sense told her to run. Her heart told her to stay. If she could make him want her again...
"Do you always give him a choice?"
"What?" Her voice came out as a whisper.
"Christopher. I thought for sure he'd want to sleep in your room, but you gave him the choice."
"He's getting more independent. If he makes the decision, he's usually satisfied with it. Fewer tantrums and problems in the long run."
Jake's brows arched. "I can't imagine him having tantrums."
She couldn't help but smile. "You might be in for a surprise. He can be quite stubborn when he wants his own way."
"I guess I've been a playmate more than a parent. I'll try to be more aware of that. I do remember Davie at that
age--" He stopped abruptly. "I've watched how you talk with Christopher, how you handle him. You're a good mother, Sara."
"My mom taught me everything I know. She was the best role model I could have ever had."
"You miss her."
Sara could feel quick hot tears that she willed away. "I miss her a lot."
The nerve in Jake's jaw worked as, again, he ran his eyes over her from head to toe. When his gaze reached her bare feet, he said, "You'd better get back to bed."
She nodded but couldn't seem to move away.
He did. At his bedroom door, he paused. "Should I leave the hall light on?"
"In case he wakes up again."
Jake looked toward his son's bedroom. "I'll see you in the morning."
#
Jake heard Sara walk back to her room. He sank down onto his king-size bed and ran both hands through his hair. Her footsteps were so light, like an angel barely touching the earth. In that simple gown... He held out his hand. It was trembling, and he felt like a fool. Seeing her sleep-mussed hair, her pink cheeks, their son in her arms--Damn!
Dropping his hand to his knee, he remembered the way her breasts responded to his nearness. Sara Standish Donovan was not an angel. This time he wouldn't let her get close enough to see his heart, his soul, or his desire. He'd always been good at keeping people at bay. He'd had years of practice. First with his father. Bud Donovan had been a mean drunk. Jake had learned early to stay away and show no emotion. And with his mother...
She'd become a broken woman by the time his father left. The doctors had said she'd died of an overdose of sleeping pills. Jake knew better. She'd died of a shattered heart.
No, he wouldn't let Sara get close enough to do any damage. All he had to do was keep up his guard. He'd care for and protect his son and treat Sara like a roommate. How hard could that be?
#
Sara started breakfast the next morning, agonizing over her conversation with Jake the night before, their encounters in Christopher's room and the hall. Their wedding night.
She cracked an egg into the bowl. She felt Jake before she saw him. Shivers skipped up her back and when she looked over her shoulder, she saw the guarded look on his face. He wore cut-off denims and a black T-shirt with the letters advertising SEA WORLD almost washed off, and although remote, he looked as tired as she felt.