Jamie Brown Is NOT Rich (8 page)
Read Jamie Brown Is NOT Rich Online
Authors: Adam Wallace
Tags: #Children's Books, #humor, #Children's eBooks, #Literature & Fiction
So I danced.
I pressed more buttons, and eventually, after a light show and rotating floor and more water up my butt, water came out at the perfect temperature from the right place and I had my
BEST
shower ever … okay, so it was my first shower ever, but it was still
AWESOME
!
While I was dancing in the shower, Mum found a tablecloth. She was so happy. Among all these amazing rooms and gadgets and everything else, it was a tablecloth that made Mum happiest.
Back in Hovel Street, Mum always wanted to be dignified, even if we couldn’t afford the finest things. To her, part of being dignified is covering the table when you eat. The only problem was that we never had a tablecloth, so we used newspapers, sheets – whatever – we never had an uncovered table.
But now? It may have taken her ten minutes because the table was so huge, but Mum laid the tablecloth with tears in her eyes. It was my favourite new life moment so far.
Then we ate, which was awesome because we had … yep … you guessed it …
TAKE-AWAY FOOD
!!! Fish and chips and hamburgers. This was partly because there was no food in the house yet, partly because we could afford it and had never had it before, and partly because we
REALLY REALLY
wanted it!
TOP FIVE BEST THINGS
ABOUT OUR FIRST MEAL OF
TAKE-AWAY FOOD
1. It’s
greasy and slimy but actually tastes really good!
2. Mum
didn’t have to spend ages cooking and could just relax.
3. It
tasted like the best thing I had ever eaten times 30 billion.
4. We
ate until we were full, and not Hovel Street pretending you’re full so there’s enough for everyone, but actually eaten enough full.
5. IT
IS SOOOOOO TASTY!
After dinner, it was bedtime. Okay, so it was only 7pm, but I had my very own bedroom and bed and actual proper new mattress and everything. It was so soft. It was like lying on a flock of cotton wool.
And it was warm.
So I lay in bed and I slept and I dreamt about pixies and unicorns and that was weird but I figured that was what rich people did.
CHAPTER 7
SCHOOL RULES
I was sooooo nervous on my first day at Snootyville Grammar. To make things worse, I had a new uniform and it was itchy and it was too big in some spots and too tight around my neck and I had to wear a tie and it was just yecccchhhh!
I was worried about making new friends too … and what if I had to speak in front of people and just said toilet? Oh man, that would be every
TOP FIVE
worst thing ever!
I decided to take my cards and do a trick. That would impress everyone and I would feel more comfortable. But Mum said no card tricks allowed – school rules. I could take them but not use them. I groaned, wondering what the point of taking them was.
‘Are there any other weird rich school rules?’ I asked.
‘No jokes in class.’
‘
WHAT???
But what if the teacher’s chair makes a fart noise when he sits down?’
‘
Especially
not then. And if he does a
real
fart, please control your laughter.’
‘Fine,’ I said, ‘but if this happens …
Mum laughed.
‘Deal,’ she said, then she went serious again. ‘Just be yourself, Jamie. We’re different to these people, but that’s why they’ll love you. Follow their rules, but be yourself. They like money and what it can do, but promise me that you’ll keep quiet, for now, about how rich we are. People will love you for who you are, not for how much money you have.’
Hmmm. I wasn’t so sure.
But I promised.
CHAPTER 8
THE
WELCOMING
COMMITTEE
I walked to school with Dad. Barnaby had left us two cars in the garage, but Dad made excuses for not driving them. I think he was nervous he’d crash!
‘It will give us a chance to see the neighbourhood,’ he said. ‘And we don’t want to cause a scene by having the only fancy car at school.’
Right.
We got to school.
We wouldn’t have caused a scene.
Every car, and I mean
EVERY
car, looked like it cost as much as a house … and not some dodgy house either, but a full-on expensive mansion type house!
As Dad walked with me to the principal’s office, we passed the cleaner in the hall. He stopped mopping when he saw us.
We said hello back. He went back to his mopping, but as we walked off I noticed him watching us, which was bad for him because he accidentally mopped a kid walking past.
‘
CAREFUL, YOU HAIRY BEAST!
’ screamed the kid.
I knew that voice! It was the nasty kid from the car on Hovel Street. He stomped off, dripping, and the cleaner winked at me. Hmmmm. Maybe it wasn’t an accident after all.
We met the principal. He had a monobrow and a wicked comb-over. He introduced himself, but I was so nervous I forgot his name straight away. I’m almost as bad with names as Dad, although where he says them wrong, I just plain forget them.
So I decided to call him Principal Jefferson.
He welcomed us to the school and then called up some boys to show me around. Awesome! This was a chance for me to make new friends already. COOL! Then the boys showed up.
NOT COOL!
They all looked
EXACTLY
the same … except for the one with water dripping off his head and a big mop mark on his shirt.
Principal Jefferson introduced them but they were all Jefferson to me.
Jefferson, Jefferson, Jefferson, and Jefferson were all niceness in the office, but as soon as we were out of sight on the oval, things changed.
I wiggled my eyebrows, a sure-fire way to ease the tension.
My sure-fire back-fired.
‘Those baby tricks won’t work here,’ Mop Jefferson sneered. ‘We are the height of sophistication, and only appreciate puns, wordplay, and social class humour that puts down those less worthy than us.’
I was too stunned to speak. I’d thought there’d be cool kids like the triplets, but these guys weren’t cool at all … they were mean! Was everyone at Snootyville Grammar like this? I realised they were still talking.
‘Look at your uniform. It doesn’t even fit!’
I found my voice.
‘We bought a big one so I could grow into it. Mum said that would be smarter and would save money down the track.’
The Jeffersons just laughed.
‘Haw haw, what a peasant tactic. I’d wager you have a cut lunch too!’
I
did
have a cut lunch … sandwiches in a brown paper bag with a note from Mum on it. I didn’t want to admit it to the Jeffersons but I was rapt. It was the fanciest school lunch I’d ever had!
I showed the group. They laughed even harder then went all mean and nasty again.
They were like four evil talking heads, crowding me, being mean, and I hated that I’d promised Mum I’d keep quiet about our money. That would have shut them up.
But I
had
promised, so I said nothing.
The Jeffersons laughed, took my bag, and threw it in the mud. Then they walked off, just as the cleaner strolled by.
‘Why are you even mopping the oval?!?’ Jefferson screamed. ‘Go back to caveman land or wherever it is you came from!’
He stormed off, the others following. The cleaner winked at me again and walked off, whistling. Either he had a twitch in his eye, or there was something different about him. He seemed poor compared to everyone else, but at the same time he seemed more comfortable with who he was.
I could worry about that later, though. The bell went and I had to get to class.
I was sure things would get better there.