Jane Was Here (25 page)

Dear Mr. Trane,

I profess myself amazed that you should fret yourself over the rumors of my engagement to Mr. Haff. You know from my letters that I have not accepted him, that it is beyond my power to prevent him from calling at our home, and that our relation is of no more substance than yours with my sister. You yourself have explained the latter as the illusion by which we direct the eyes of others away from our secret relation. You wrote, too, that we must not let petty and sinful jealousy to mitigate the power of our mission. I have endeavored to follow your prescription. But so must you, dear mentor.

I promise that marriage could not be further from my mind. Truly I am still in such a weakened state, I doubt any man would want me for consort! Neither do I have any appetite for romance but my illness has left me strangely cleansed of all desire, and weightless, as if my being were burned away leaving only the soul essence. I feel God has readied me for the redemption which only you can assist. Do not doubt me now, savior, when I am thus exposed!

Rebecca says you will not come to the ball. I admire you the more for your abstinence, though I shall regret your absence. Uli expects me to go, alas, so I must put on a show of cooperation. Verily it comes not from the heart.

Your faithful
Jane

Dear Mr. Trane,

I may say it was the closeness of the crowd, or the music, or my reckless exertions from dancing overmuch (the ecstasy of freedom, from the prison of sickbed and home, overtook my common sense!) but in truth my early departure from the ball owed as much to my shock at seeing you there, when I had not expected it. Indeed I never noticed you enter the tavern, and it was not until the reel with Mr. Haff that I glanced across the room, and there you sat, so gallant in your blue jacket. Even condemned to a chair with your cane, you far outshone any other aspiring angels present, of which there were none!

At once I left off dancing, complaining of dizziness, and sent Uli for some punch. I thought to escape him, in the hopes of achieving some moments with you. Surely you saw me coming your way, when Ellis Graynier stepped between and would not permit me to deny him the next dance. With both father and Mr. Philip Graynier watching, I could hardly rebuff him, and upon Uli’s return I had all I could manage to keep him and Master Ellis from open altercation. Ellis is aware of Mr. Haff’s proposal to me, but that knowledge only seems to have swelled his zest for the hunt, of which I am the reluctant object, though it were clear to him that my scruples and station make me an impossible party to his libertinism.

In the end, Uli gave way to Ellis’ superior position as his employer’s son, and I was compelled to cede the rest of my dances to the man. If I did so with an “all too cheerful countenance” (as you reproach me), it was to please my father. I glanced at you often, to convey my secret unhappiness, yet each time I was met with a glare of such opprobrium that I felt as if drenched in sin – a glare so fixed that you seemed entirely to disdain the conversation of my sister seated beside you. It is well she did not remark it.

Finally I could not bear your censure any longer and pleaded exhaustion to Papa, who took us home.

I was indeed exhausted, but not from dancing. Dear Mr. Trane, do please put away your qualms regarding Ellis Graynier’s overtures: it is but his fancy of the moment and not to be taken seriously, least of all by you, who knows my soul. For that is how I am promised to you, not by my hand but rather by my soul which seeks its salvation through your sponsorship. How more intimate may two mortals be? You have said so: the light of purity is more beloved in God’s eyes than the bond of wedlock, which He only tolerates for the purpose of propagation. If I am ever to be pure, it will be by your tutelage. Teach me then, my friend, and may we have no more misunderstandings, which would dissolve so easily if only we could meet alone. If God intends it, He will arrange an opportunity soon.

Your own
Jane

Dear Mr. Trane,

Our opportunity has arrived! I pray this letter reaches you in time to avail yourself of our good fortune. As I trust you have learned already, at three o’clock this afternoon there is to be a hanging in front of the courthouse, of the tragic fellow from the shanties who murdered his children. Father is going to watch, along with most of the village. Of course he made us to stay home, it being an unfit spectacle for young ladies (I do, for once, concur!). This morning Rebecca confided to me her plan to steal away, hide herself among the crowd, then run home before Papa returns. I agreed to be partner to her conspiracy, and though I voiced my disapproval, inside I was all rejoicing. This leaves me utterly alone at home for the space of an hour! Come quickly, by the alley in back of Sycamore Street, and I will let you in the iron gate behind our house.

Hurry, my friend!
Jane

Dear Lysander,

No matter how long I shall live, indelible will be the memory of us two side by side in prayer. My knees never felt the floor, so deep was my trance, and when you touched your palm to my brow I felt a surge of flame – my heart violently quaked – the trembling which beset my limbs was just as you described it happens when the Spirit descends!

I cry tears of gratitude to think I was, in that moment, worthy of God’s grace, even if the moment was fleeting. I am puzzled, however, that when I have attempted prayer since, alone and with the same intensity, I have never again experienced such transport. It may be that your presence is the key that unlocks the Heavens on my behalf. I yearn for another chance to combine our efforts in calling down the Spirit.

I believe we may avoid discovery more easily now. Since I no longer importune Father to let me accompany Rebecca on her visits to Widow Seely, I think his suspicions have abated where you and I are concerned and therefore he may loosen the reins further.

Accordingly I have another proposal, which comes from our artful ally Letty. Now that the weather is sunnier, it is time again for her to wash all the linens of the house, beat the carpets &c.&c. She proposes to hang the sheets on the line outdoors in such a fashion as to shield the door to the cow’s shelter. Now that you know the way, you may enter our yard at the same back gate as before (concealed all the while by a barrier of laundry!) and enter Emerald’s domain, where I shall be waiting at three. No one will question my leaving the house to visit Emerald, as only I and Letty bother ourselves about the dear cow.

Our meeting place will be a most odorous milieu, and our prayers may be disrupted by Emerald’s plaintive interjections, but perhaps you may look upon the scene as a recreation of the manger where our wonderful Savior was born! Twixt the bovine and the divine, may our worship seal a connection.

Yours in the Holy Spirit,
Jane

Dear Lysander,

Hell itself opens under my feet when I read your words. Indeed, your regret is my despair! I do not understand your turmoil over the matter of a kiss. I cannot believe it is a sin which manifests in such sweetness. Truly I felt the force of God pass through your lips to mine
– when I opened my eyes I saw a ray of divine light bathing your head – joy burst in my breast until I feared it might break apart. How could this be other than an expression of God, who is all Love? When you and I were trembling and speechless in the wake of that impulse, how was it different than your Gabrielite meetings, as you describe them, when the faithful tremble and stutter upon encountering the sacred force of the Spirit? When we kissed, I drank from the stream of God’s delight, and to call it a sin would seem an affront to the Almighty.

And yet you pray it will never happen again! And, more crushing to me, you suggest that we part ways, since you fear you might lose a second struggle with your “carnal nature.” Oh Lysander, if you will but stay my friend I shall be strong enough for both of us, and never submit to the inclinations of the flesh. But may we not kiss, if we do love each other? I will be bold and say so: I love thee. I love thee. I love thee as I love thy faith.

I have embraced your beliefs as my own. There is nothing I want more than to become as angels are, and I have you before me as a shining portrait of that possibility. I know that angels may not marry on earth, since they do not in heaven, but must they also forfeit affection? To clasp hands, to embrace, yes, even to kiss, as brother and sister, and in the fullness of God’s love? Then I must fail the test, my dearest one, before I have barely begun. For I cannot live without touch.

In sorrow and farewell,
Jane

Dear Lysander,

I have died every day of our estrangement. When awake I knew not how I moved or ate or spoke – my limbs and speech performed their duties in some other sphere where no God showed. Rebecca told me you did not come out of your room whenever she called on Mrs. S., and I wondered if you suffered, too. One day in the middle of a visit from Mr. Haff, I suddenly fell to weeping. When he became very concerned to know why, I answered that I felt too burdened by his expectation of an answer at the end of next week (is April really here already?) and that I was distracted by worries about my father who has been working long hours of late while assuming full responsibility for the factory. (Mr. Graynier has become seriously ill of a sudden – dying, they say – from a canker in the stomach, and thus I have seen nothing of Ellis either, who must be sobered by the likelihood of losing his father – which humbling event might produce a better character in him – though I doubt anything would commend either the son or the father to God as they are both irredeemably agnostic!) The consequence of my tearful outburst was that Mr. Haff has extended my reprieve and will not ask for my decision until the end of the month. (He is very kind with me, and were I not such a temperamental creature, I could be happily married to such a man.)