Jenny preened just a bit. An unexpected image of Lily’s sleeping face popped into her mind, and she sank to the edge of Kate’s bunk.
“I’m a grandmother, for Pete’s sake, Kate. A grandmother! What could that man possibly see in me?” She lowered her face into her hands and shook her head.
Kate grabbed her arm and unceremoniously hauled her to her feet.
“Stop that! You and Clint are both about the same age. You were a young mother, and you’re a young grandmother.” Kate pulled Jenny out the door. “You look great. I should know. I’ve seen you naked at the sweat lodge.”
She towed Jenny behind her as they made their way toward the sweat lodges.
“You’re right,” Jenny said half under her breath. “Not that I look great...but that I did have Becky young.” She panted as she was pulled along. “Still, why does he seem so much younger than me? He’s not a grandfather. He’s not even a father...as far as I know.”
“That’s the only reason, Jenny. Will you please stop trying to find excuses why you two shouldn’t be together?”
Jenny stopped in her tracks, almost pulling Kate over as she held onto her arm.
“Excuses?” She raised her eyes skyward. “Oh, geez, is that what I’m doing? I thought I was trying to reason through things...you know, like a good therapist.”
Kate pulled Jenny into motion one more time.
“Well, I’m sure you’re a good therapist, but you’re not very good to yourself. Relax and enjoy.”
They arrived at the entrance to the sweat lodges to find the women milling about. The stick and flag were not posted, meaning someone was still down in the clearing tending to the fires.
Clint? Her heart began to race.
Just then, Clint walked up the path with the flag and placed it into the holder. Auntie Sis patted him on the arm in thanks and led the way.
Clint stood by the flag and watched them as they passed. He didn’t say anything to her, and Jenny was grateful, as someone might have overheard. His dark eyes held hers as she passed, and she felt caressed by them. She lagged behind the other women, and turned one last time before crossing the bridge into the clearing, to see if he remained. He did, and he raised a hand to her. She waved back and hurried into the clearing, blocked from the outside by a bend in the path and the thick growth of trees.
She and Kate ended up in the sweat lodge with Auntie Sis who, as rumor had it, ran a very hot sweat. She was free with the barley water as she ladled it heavily onto the glowing rocks. Auntie Sis was no-nonsense about the sweat. She prayed and told short stories.
Jenny allowed herself to drift away in the heat, trying to open her mind to any visions. She longed to dwell on the essence of Clint. Instead, she found herself thinking about her apartment in Boise...painting classes...phone calls to her daughter far away.
With half an ear on Auntie Sis’s voice, she shifted uncomfortably, the burlap scratchy against her backside. She thought of the king-size bed in her apartment. She wasn’t certain why she’d bought a king-size bed. No reason, really. She just wanted a big bed where she could spread out her computer, papers, books—even dinner—while she watched television.
She shifted again, trying to force the image of Clint back into her mind. Clint, driving his SUV to work on the reservation below, leading the group discussions, talking to the elders with ease.
A wave of loneliness washed over her, and she felt suddenly cold in the heated lodge. She forced herself to think of a painted horse, a half-naked Indian astride it, a panther. She could see all the images, but none of them evoked the essence of Clint.
“Let’s break,” Auntie Sis said. “We’ll just do two rounds tonight, as the men want to start early.”
They crawled out of the lodge and made their way down to the pond, where they submerged their overheated bodies. Kate seemed subdued...or relaxed, and Jenny wasn’t in the mood to talk, either. The more she tried to force visions of Clint, the farther away he seemed. The last thing she wanted to think about was her lonely apartment in Boise.
Auntie Sis led the way back into the sweat lodge, and Jenny crawled in behind Kate. As Auntie Sis poured hot water onto the heated stones, she began to talk again.
“We’re going to get this round good and hot, so we can think better,” she said with a certain amount of glee as she ladled yet more hot water over the glowing rocks. The heat felt unbearable, and Jenny struggled to breathe.
“Have any of you ever come to a fork in the road, and didn’t know which way to go?” Auntie Sis asked.
Yes, Auntie Sis, yes
.
“How do you know which way to go? We don’t all have helicopters where we can fly overhead and see where the road goes.” In the glow of the rocks, Jenny saw Auntie Sis’s teeth gleam.
“Is one road wrong and the other road right?” Auntie Sis pondered. More water on the coals. Jenny was frankly terrified she might have to bail out of the lodge, but she determined to stay.
“I know it’s getting hot in here, girls, but it’s not going to kill you. I’m just trying to help clear our heads.”
“What if both roads are right? What if they both end up in the same place?” she asked as her hand holding the ladle thankfully rested.
Jenny felt as if Auntie Sis was talking to her directly, but she couldn’t see her eyes to see if she was looking at her. Probably not. Everyone had to make choices in life, even little old ladies like Auntie Sis.
What if both roads ended up in the same place? Jenny pondered. Was it possible for two divergent roads to converge again? She breathed shallowly in the heat and felt lightheaded. If Clint took one path, and she took another path, could they end up at the same place?
Made no sense at all. Not unless there was a short cut to Boise, shorter than the six-hour highway she’d just been on only days before.
“All right, ladies, let’s go cool down.” Auntie Sis ended the sweat with a short prayer, and they exited the lodge.
Jenny and Kate took showers and made their way to dinner. As they took a seat, Jenny noticed Lisa eating with Steve. They made a striking couple, the one so dark and the other so fair. Steve caught her eye and waved. Lisa turned and nodded with a smile.
“They’re getting along well, don’t you think?” she asked Kate as she worked on her baked potato.
Kate looked up from her food. “They are,” she agreed. “And the best part is they both work at the same VA and live in the same town. How convenient is that?”
Jenny tried to ignore the flop of her heart.
“Oh, geez, Jenny! I’m sorry. I know that must be worrying you.”
Jenny nodded with a forced bright smile. “It is, but I’m not going to think about it today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll worry about it...”
“Denial,” Kate said with a smile. “It looks good on you.” She patted Jenny’s hand. “You guys will figure something out.”
Jenny nodded. “Yeah... Maybe.” She cast one last look at Lisa and Steve and returned to picking at her food.
Jenny and Kate wandered down to the community fire after dinner. Jenny overheard Robert Hall, one of the elders, saying, “Yup, my daughters are bringing their kids up for the powwow tomorrow night. How about you, John? Is your wife coming up?”
John Glover, another elder, sipped his after-dinner coffee in front of the blazing fire. “Oh, yeah. She comes up every year. Wouldn’t miss it.”
Jenny hadn’t realized that people from the valley below would attend the powwow. She still had no idea what to expect, but she longed to see Clint sing and drum. She ignored the nagging thought that he might seem so culturally different from her that she would feel disconnected. It didn’t seem possible.
She leaned into Kate. “I’m meeting Clint in a little while, so I’m going to head out.”
Kate looked at her watch. “Now? They won’t even be done with the sweat for a while.”
Jenny nodded. “I know. I just want to focus on waiting for him. I know that sounds a bit nuts, but I feel a bit nuts. It’s gotta be the thin air.”
“Oh, yes, that’s it,” Kate chuckled. “The air.”
“See you in the morning,” Jenny whispered. She got up and headed off toward the restrooms, with a plan to cut around behind the building and head for the path leading to the river. She hoped no one would notice her departure, or if they did, they would think she was heading to the restroom before turning in for the night.
“Where you off to?” Celia called out as she exited the restroom.
Jenny swung around and stopped. Drat!
“Nowhere,” she mumbled. “Just walking.”
“In the dark?” Celia asked. She descended the stairs of the bathroom. “Alone?” Celia looked around.
“Yup, alone. I enjoy being alone.”
“Oh, really?” Celia said with a skeptical note. “I hadn’t noticed.”
“Hmmmm,” Jenny said without meaning. She made as if to move on.
“He doesn’t like white girls, you know. I’m just saying.”
Jenny stilled. “I take it you’re talking about Clint.” No point in avoiding the subject. Obviously, Celia needed to get something off her chest.
“Yeah, Clint.”
“Why do you say that, Celia?” Despite herself, Jenny was curious about the answer.
“Well, he’s not partial to white women who like him because he’s Indian, how about that?” Celia clarified.
Jenny nodded. “Yes, I think he mentioned that.”
“Well, doesn’t that mean you? Come on! Don’t tell me you haven’t fantasized about him with his hair down, riding a horse...”
Jenny shifted her feet.
Please don’t say we’ve had the same fantasy.
“That you haven’t fantasized about him just because he’s an Indian...” Celia drove home.
Jenny bit her lip. It was true. The fact that he was Native American was inextricably intertwined with how she felt about him. She had no way of knowing if she would have been so infatuated with him if he’d been tall and blonde, with short hair and a name like...Steve?
“We’re just friends, Celia. That’s all.” Jenny made as if to move again.
“Sorry, I took so long,” George said as he hurried down the stairs. “Couldn’t get any soap out of the dispenser.” He came to Celia’s side. So, she had her Indian, even if he was a less exotic version than Clint.
“See ya,” Jenny said nonchalantly as she hurried away. Celia’s words shook her. Just the fact that Celia had said anything intuitive at all shook her. She slowed to watch her footing as she headed out of camp along the path to the river. Luckily, the moon provided some light.
Clint didn’t want anyone attracted to him because he was Indian. Apparently, he’d been hurt in college by someone who had been interested in him only for his racial background, as if he were a prize specimen. But Celia was right. Jenny did fantasize about Clint as a Native American, not just as a man. She struggled to form her thoughts as she walked toward the river, knowing she had to be honest with Clint. She would have to tell him, and she dreaded it.
The sight and sound of the river, reminding her of their night together, brought goose bumps to her arms. She found the trunk of a tree and sank down to wait for Clint. He wasn’t long in coming. The men must have gone fewer rounds on the sweat, as well.
He didn’t see her at first, and he approached the riverbank to search for her.
“Over here,” she called as she rose to her feet.
“There you are,” Clint said as he crossed the distance between them and swept her into his arms.
“The longest day,” he said as he showered kisses on her face, her lips, her neck. “I missed you. I watched you all day, and I missed you.”
He pulled back and smoothed her hair from her face.
“You’re back early.”
“I finished after two rounds. Couldn’t wait to get back to you. I feel like we have so little time left.”
He bent to kiss her again with hungry lips.
“I missed you too,” she said against his mouth. “I feel just as anxious about time as you do.”
Clint pulled away and looked down into her eyes as he cupped her face.
“You know, I swore I wouldn’t talk about the future tonight. I don’t want to ruin anything.”
“I promised myself the same thing,” Jenny gasped. “The same thing.”
“Then let’s not think about it...by mutual agreement.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the mossy area where they’d made love the night before.
“Let’s focus on the here and now...on each other,” he whispered as he pulled her sweatshirt over her head. “After last night, I just want you more and more.”
Jenny gave herself up to his caresses as they lay down on the soft moss. Their lovemaking was less hurried, and Clint was tender and gentle as he made sweet love to her.
Some time later, Jenny rested in the crook of his arms and stared up at the moon. He had to know. If he felt she were taking advantage of him...using him, he had to know.
“Clint?” she began.
“Yes, my love?”
Her heart pounded.
“You know how you’ve said you don’t like women who obsess about Native American men, right?” She tilted her head to try to watch his expression. He stared up at the moon.
“Did I say that?” he mused, seemingly lost in thought. His body didn’t tense, his expression didn’t seem to change.
“Well, what if...” Jenny gulped. “What if...what if I admit that I fantasized about Native American men before I came here?” Jenny began to rush to get the words out before he moved away from her. “What if I said that I’d gone through some sort of Native American crush thing some years ago? What if I can’t tell if I love you because you’re Native American or because you’re you?” She waited for his body to stiffen, for the rejection that might come with her disclosure.
A strange rumble from his chest vibrated against the side of her cheek as she lay against his chest. Was he angry? His body began to tremble. Jenny bit her lip and wished she’d done so earlier. She shouldn’t have opened her mouth. Not on this night. It could have waited.
She lifted her head to see Clint’s face.
His teeth shone in the moonlight, his face contorted with a grimace. But it was a grimace of suppressed laughter. Clint appeared to struggle mightily to press his lips together as if to hold back a hoot.