Junie B. Jones and Her Big Fat Mouth

My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

I go to kindergarten. My room is named Room Nine. There are lots of rules in that place.

Like no shouting.

And no running in the hall.

And no butting the other children in the stomach with your head.

My teacher’s name is Mrs.

She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.

Last week Mrs. clapped her loud hands together. Then she made a ’nouncement to us.

A ’
nouncement
is the school word for telling us something very important.

“Boys and girls. May I have your attention, please?” she said. “Today is going to be a special day in Room Nine. We’re going to be talking about different careers you can have when you grow up.”

“Yeah, only guess what?” I said. “I never even heard of that dumb word careers before. And so I won’t know what the heck we’re talking about.”

Mrs. made squinty eyes at me. “A career
is a
job
, Junie B.,” she said. “And please raise your hand before you speak.”

Then Mrs. talked some more about careers. And she said Monday was going to be called Job Day. And everybody in Room Nine would come to school dressed up like what kind of job they wanted to be.

After that, Room Nine was very excited. Except for not me. ’Cause I had a big problem, that’s why.

“Yeah, only guess what?” I said. “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And so that means I can’t come to school on Monday. And now I’ll probably flunk kindergarten.”

“Hurray!” shouted a mean boy named Jim.

I made a fist at him. “How’d you like a
knuckle sandwich, you big fat Jim?” I shouted right back.

Mrs. came over to my table. She bended down next to me.

“
Please
, Junie B. You simply must try to control yourself better in class. We’ve talked about this before, remember?”

“Yes,” I said nicely. “Only I hate that dumb guy.”

Just then my bestest friend Lucille—who sits next to me—stood up and fluffed her ruffly dress.

“I always control myself, don’t I, Teacher?” she said. “That’s because my nanna taught me to act like a little lady. And so Junie B. Jones should act more like me.”

I made a growly face at her. “I
do
act like a little lady, you dumb bunny Lucille! And
don’t say that again, or I’ll knock you on your can.”

Mrs. did a frown at me.

“Just kidding,” I said very quick.

Except for Mrs. kept on frowning. And then she gave me punishment.

Punishment
is the school word for sitting at a big table all by yourself.

And everybody keeps on staring at you.

And it makes you feel like P.U.

That’s how come I put my head down on the table. And I covered it up with my arms.

’Cause punishment takes the friendly right out of you.

And so at recess I didn’t speak to Lucille. And I didn’t speak to my other bestest friend named Grace, either.

I just sat down in the grass all by myself.

And I watched Janitor paint the litter cans.

And I played with a stick and an ant and that’s all.

“I hate Room Nine,” I said very grumpity.

Except for just then I saw something very wonderful in the grass! And its name was two cherry Life Savers!

“Hey! I love those guys!” I said.

Then I quick picked one up. And I blowed off the germs. And I put it right in my mouth.

“WAIT! DON’T DO THAT!” shouted a loud voice at me. “SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!”

I turned my head.

It was Janitor! He was running at me speedy quick. His jingly keys were jangling all
over the place.

“SPIT THAT OUT, I SAID!” he yelled again.

And so then I spit the cherry Life Saver on the ground. ’Cause the guy was scaring me, that’s why.

Janitor bended down next to me.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you, sis,” he said. “But I spotted a bunch of dirty candy in the grass. And I was going to clean it up when I finished painting.”

He looked serious at me. “Don’t you ever eat anything you find on the ground. Do you hear? Not
ever.”

“But I blowed off the germs,” I told him.

Janitor shook his head. “You can’t blow germs off,” he said. “Eating things that you find on the ground is very, very dangerous.”

Then Janitor picked up the dangerous candy. “Now run along and play,” he said.

I did a big sigh. “Yeah, only I can’t,” I said.
“’Cause I shot off my big fat mouth in kindergarten. And then I got punishment. And now I hate my bestest friend Lucille.”

Janitor smiled a little bit sad. “Life is hard sometimes, isn’t it, sis?” he said.

I bobbed my head up and down. “Yes,” I said. “Life is P.U.”

Then Janitor patted my head and he walked away.

And so guess what?

I just like Janitor.

And that’s all.

When we came in from recess, Mrs. was clapping her loud hands together again.

“Boys and girls, please take your seats quickly! I’ve got a wonderful surprise for you!”

Then I got very excited inside my stomach! Because surprises are my most favorite things in the whole world!

“IS IT JELLY DOUGHNUTS?” I shouted.

Mrs. put her finger to her lips. That means
be quiet
.

“YEAH, ONLY GUESS WHAT? JELLY DOUGHNUTS ARE MY MOST FAVORITE KIND OF DOUGHNUTS! EXCEPT I ALSO LIKE THE CREAMY KIND. AND THE CHOCOLATE KIND! AND THE KIND WITH RAINBOW SPRINKLES ON THE TOP!”

After that, my mouth got very watering. And some drool fell on the table.

I wiped it up with my sweater sleeve.

Just then there was a knock on the door.

Mrs. hurried to open it.

“HEY! IT’S A COP!” I hollered very excited.

The cop came into Room Nine.

He had on a blue shirt with a shiny badge. And shiny black boots. And a shiny white
motorcycle helmet.

Mrs. smiled. “Boys and girls, I would like you to meet my friend, Officer Mike. Officer Mike is a policeman. Who can tell me what policemen do?”

“I can!” I called out. “They rest people! ’Cause one time some cops rested a guy on my street. And so that means they made him take a nap, I think.”

Just then that Jim I hate laughed very loud.

“They didn’t
rest
him, stupid!” he hollered. “They
arrested
him! That means they took him to jail. And so your neighbor’s a dirty rotten jailbird!”

Then the other kids laughed too. And so I hided my head.

“Yeah, only I hardly even know the guy,” I said to just myself.

After that, Officer Mike took off his shiny white helmet. And he told us some other stuff that cops do. Like give our dads speeding tickets. And rest drunk guys.

Also he let us play with his handcuffs and his shiny white helmet. Except for the helmet was very too big for my head. And it covered my whole entire eyes.

“HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” I said.