Junie B. Jones Is (almost) a Flower Girl

My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

I am a bachelorette.

A bachelorette is when your boyfriend named Ricardo dumps you at recess. Only I wasn’t actually expecting that terrible trouble.

It happened today on the playground.

First I was playing horses with my friends Lucille and Grace.

Then, all of a sudden, my boyfriend
named Ricardo runned right past me.

And he was chasing a new girl named Thelma!

“RICARDO!” I hollered real loud. “HEY! RICARDO! ’ZACTLY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, MISTER?”

Then I zoomed right after that guy. And I tackled him on the grass. And we wrestled. And tangled. And rolled all around.

Finally, I sat on his legs. And I smoothed my hair very attractive.

“Hello, Ricardo,” I said. “How are you today? I am fine. Only I just saw you chasing new Thelma. And so please knock it off. And I mean it.”

Ricardo raised his eyebrows very surprised.

“Why? How come?” he said.

I sucked in my cheeks at that guy.

“Because
, Ricardo. Because I am your girlfriend. And you are my boyfriend. And boyfriends and girlfriends are only allowed to chase each other. That’s how come.”

Ricardo kept on looking at me.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Sorry. Those are just the rules,” I explained.

Ricardo’s face turned very glum.

“But I
like
chasing new Thelma,” he said kind of whiny. “It’s fun.”

I patted his arm very understanding.

“Yes, well, I don’t make the rules, Rick. I just enforce them,” I said.

After that, I got off his legs. And I sat in the grass next to him.

Ricardo didn’t talk for a long time.

Then finally, he stood up. And he shook my hand real nice.

“Junie B., it’s been fun being your
boyfriend,” he said. “But I think it’s time we started chasing other people.”

After that, he waved good-bye. And he ran off to chase new Thelma again.

My eyes got big and wide at him.

“NO, RICARDO!” I shouted. “NO, NO, NO! COME BACK! COME BACK!”

But Ricardo kept right on running.

I felt weakish and sickish inside.

I slumped back down in the grass. Only too bad for me. Because just then, the bell rang for the end of recess. And all the children started running to the building.

But not me.

I just kept sitting and sitting in the grass.

My teacher called my name.

Her name is Mrs. She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.

Finally, Mrs. came out to get me.

“Junie B., honey?” she said. “Why aren’t you coming in? What’s the trouble?”

I looked up real depressed.

“Ricardo,” I said real sad. “Ricardo is the trouble.”

After that, tears came in my eyes. And my nose started to run very much.

Mrs. closed her eyes.

“Oh no. Not boy problems,” she said. “Not
already
.”

After that, she gave me a tissue.

And she stood me on my feet.

And she walked with me to Room Nine.

Mother had the day off from work.

She met me at my bus stop.

She was pushing my baby brother named Ollie in his carriage.

I ran and hugged her legs.

“Mother! Mother! I am so glad to see you!” I said. “’Cause today was the worstest day of my life. I have been run through the
milk
, I tell you.”

Mother raised her eyebrows kind of confused.

“Oh. I think you mean the
mill
, Junie B.,” she said.
“Run through the mill
means you’ve had a hard, grinding day.”

I nodded my head.

“Yes, Mother. That’s ’
zactly
what kind of day I had. ’Cause my boyfriend named Ricardo wants to chase other people. And that news grinded me right into the ground.”

I reached in my pocket and pulled out my snack cookie.

“Look. See how upset I was, Mother? I couldn’t even eat my snack cookie at snack time. ’Cause my stomach felt squeezy and sickish inside.”

Mother took my snack cookie out of my hand.

She took a big delicious bite of it.

“Mmm. Thank you, honey,” she said.

I stared and stared at that woman. ’Cause she missed the point, apparently.

“No, Mother. You are not supposed to
eat
my snack cookie,” I said. “You are supposed to feel sorry for me. Plus also you have to tell me how to get Ricardo back.”

Mother bended down and gave me a hug.

“I’m sorry, honey. I know that you’re upset about Ricardo. But really and truly, Junie B., you are
way
too young to have a boyfriend.”

She stood back up and smiled. “You’re just a little girl,” she said.

I stamped my foot.

“No, I am
not
little!” I said back. “And anyway, all the girls at school have boyfriends, Mother! My bestest friend Lucille has a boyfriend named Clifton. And
my other bestest friend Grace has a boyfriend named Roger. And Charlotte has a boyfriend named Ham. And Rose has a boyfriend named Vincent. And Lynnie has a boyfriend named Crybaby William. And now I am all alone with nobody.”

Mother did a sigh.

“I’m sorry, honey. But
all
of those girls are too young to have boyfriends,” she said. “Please, Junie B. Do not start this boy stuff so soon. Little girls are supposed to be footloose and fancy-free.”

I did a frown.

“What’s loose feet got to do with this problem?” I asked.

Mother laughed. “It’s just an expression, Junie B.,” she said.
“Footloose and fancy-free
means that you can run and play with anyone you want.”

She ruffled my hair.

“You don’t have to worry about picking out a boyfriend till you’re much, much older,” she said.

I did a huffy breath at her.

“But I’m already much, much older!” I said. “And besides, I don’t want loose feet! I want the same kind of feet everybody else has. I’m not a baby, you know.”

I quick runned over to Ollie. And I held up his teensy hand.

“See this, Mother? This is a baby hand. See how teensy it is?”

I held my hand right next to it.

“Now look at
my
hand. See how big it is next to Ollie’s? Huh, Mother? Do you?”

After that, I picked up one of Ollie’s baby feet.

“And see this teensy foot? My feet are a
bajillion times bigger than these little baby things.”

I stood up straight and tall.

“I am big, I tell you! I am big like a giant lady, practically!”

Mother did a chuckle.

“Sorry, toots. But I’m afraid you’re still too young for a boyfriend,” she said.

After that, she gave me another hug.

And she smoothed my hair.

And she ate the rest of my snack cookie.

At dinnertime, I told Daddy about what happened on the playground.

And guess what?

He said the same dumb thing as Mother!

“You’re way too young to have a boyfriend, Junie B.,” he said. “It’s nice to have Ricardo as a friend. But little girls should be footloose and fancy-free.”

I covered my ears when I heard that.

“Quit saying that about my feet!” I said.
“I don’t
want
loose feet, I tell you! I want grown-up feet just like Mother has!”

Just then, Mother looked at Daddy.

“I think someone is s-l-e-e-p-y,” she spelled.

I did a mad breath at her. “Yeah, only guess what? I’m a grown-up lady. And grown-up ladies know how to spell. And so I am not one bit
slippery
. So there.”

Then Mother did a chuckle. Only I don’t know why.

After that, she got me down from the table. And she took me in the bathroom. And she filled up the tub for my bath.

She put lots of bubbles in the water.

Also, she gave me bath toys. And a washcloth puppet.

I gave them right back to her.

“These things are for babies,” I said. “And I am all grown up.”

“Suit yourself,” said Mother.

After that, she sat down on the floor. And she watched me sit in the bubbles.

I sat and sat and sat.

“See me, Mother? See how I am just sitting here?” I said. “When grown-up ladies take a bath, we just sit in the water. And we don’t splash. And we don’t play with baby toys.”

I sat and sat some more.

Then finally, I did a big sigh.

’Cause I was bored out of my mind, that’s why.

I patted the bubbles a little bit. “Sometimes grown-up ladies pat the bubbles,” I said. “It is not the same as playing.”

Mother smiled.

I picked up some bubbles and put them on my arms.

“Bubbles are good for ladies’ skin,” I said again. “They make us very smoothie.”

I put bubbles on my face and chin.