Just a Bit Obsessed (13 page)

“He arrived already?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

The snow was getting heavier and the wind was picking up right behind it.

“Alexander?”

“I didn’t tell you something,” he said tonelessly. “I’ve been hanging out with Christian lately.”

Her breath hitched in her throat.

There was a long silence. The only sound he could hear was the faint howling of the wind outside.

“Okay,” Mila said, her voice shaking a bit. “Did you—did you sleep with him?”

Alexander’s grip on the window sill got tighter. “No.”

Another long silence.

“Did you want to?”

A bare branch knocked against the window.

The silence lengthened.

Her harsh, bitter laugh cut through the room. “You can’t even deny it. Look at me, dammit!”

Alexander turned around.

She stood in the middle of the room, her face flushed and eyes wide and shiny. An ugly, shaky smile twisted her lips. “Is that it? Are you going to dump me for him?”

Alexander’s brows furrowed. “Why are you even asking me that? You shouldn’t give me a choice. You can’t be okay with this.”

Mila laughed again, the sound jarring and abrasive. “Oh, I’m definitely not okay with this. But—but you’re mine, not his. It was never supposed to be that way! I can’t just give you to him! I won’t!” She walked over, grabbed his hand and squeezed. “You didn’t cheat on me. I don’t care if you want him. You didn’t cheat. We can—we can get over it—I’ll give you another chance—and we—”

“Enough, Mila,” Alexander said, bile rising to his throat. She looked nearly hysterical. She looked like…He put his hands on her shoulders and shook her slightly. “Don’t you have any self-respect? You deserve better. I’m the asshole here. You shouldn’t give me a second chance. It will change nothing.”

She shook her head slowly. “But you didn’t cheat,” she whispered.

Alexander looked her in the eye. “I kissed him.”

She opened her mouth and closed it before opening again. “I don’t care. You didn’t have sex with him. You didn’t cheat.”

Alexander hesitated. He didn’t want to hurt her, but she was clutching at straws. “Maybe not physically,” he said, forcing the words out. “But I did it every time I looked at him. Every time I couldn’t look away.”

Mila swallowed.

He touched her cheek with the back of his hand. “You deserve better. You deserve a man who will enter the room you’re in and see no one but you. I can’t be that man, but he’s out there. You’ll find him. I know you will.”

She looked at him for a long moment before averting her eyes and scowling. “Oh, shut up. Why are you so perfect all the time? Even when you’re dumping me? If you’re dumping me, at least have the decency to let me hate you! My next boyfriend will probably have at least five horrible flaws compared to you.”

Alexander kissed her on the forehead. “Maybe it’s a good thing. And I’m not perfect. Very far from perfect, actually.”

Mila snorted. “You? Please. You’re the definition of perfect.”

A crooked smile curled his lips. “If you think that, you loved a man who didn’t exist.”

She eyed him solemnly before nodding. “Maybe. Maybe I never knew you.” She chuckled humorlessly. “Maybe if I knew you better, I could have stopped you from falling for him.”

Alexander sucked a breath in. “I didn’t say I love him,” he said tersely, turning away.

“What?”

“I don’t love him,” he bit out. “It’s not love.”

“Then what is it?”

Alexander stared out the window, watching the snowfall. He thought of snowflakes melting on Christian’s flushed skin a few hours ago. He thought of how he looked and how he couldn’t look away.

“Obsession,” he whispered, barely audible.

A few hours later, as he helped Mila get her stuff outside, he looked at Mila’s face and tried to feel the quiet love he’d used to feel for her. But there was nothing—everything wiped out by this thing eating him from the inside out.

A cab pulled over and stopped in front of them. Mila glanced at it. “Send the rest of my things to my parents’ house.” Her eyes were shiny as she looked at him, but she gave him a confident smile. “I still expect to receive the red dress for my birthday, got it?”

“Got it,” he said and watched her walk to the cab.

As the cab pulled away, Alexander put his hands into the pockets of his coat and stood still, letting cold flakes of snow land on his face and melt. There was a faint feeling of regret in the pit of his stomach, but Alexander knew he had done the right thing. Mila did deserve better. And staying together wasn’t an option.

Because it was obvious now he couldn’t be trusted.

Alexander clenched his jaw, remembering how close he had been to having Christian right there, in the car. It was a fucking miracle he’d managed to tear himself away.

Looking back, it had been silly to think he could be friends with Christian. A man wouldn’t get frustrated and restless if he didn’t see his friend for a few weeks, but at the time, Alexander couldn’t put a name to the odd restlessness under his skin—or didn’t want to.

Then he saw Christian at Mila’s school.

Then he
had
to see him again.

The last few weeks had been a disaster. He had told himself he would stay away from Christian, but he ended up seeking him out using some truly ridiculous justifications. He’d told himself he wouldn’t touch Christian now that they were just friends, but he caught himself groping him on multiple occasions—touching, stroking his skin, putting a proprietary arm around him, pulling him close. It was like he couldn’t control his body at all.

And he couldn’t control his mind, either. When they watched movies together, he spent half of the time imagining pushing Christian flat on his back, climbing on top of him and rutting into him until his cock was sore and Christian was flushed and covered in his come.

Alexander sighed, feeling his cock stir just from thinking about it. He’d never felt so out of control before. Never. It was more than a little disturbing. And it wasn’t normal that one smile from the guy could make his mouth go dry, his heartbeat pick up and his cock harden, as though he was a teenager once again. He hated his total lack of self-control around Christian.

This…obsession was getting out of hand. Nothing good could come out of it. This was already turning him into someone he wasn’t: a possessive, unreasonably jealous man. He had no right to feel jealous. It was none of his business if Christian wanted Jared and kissed him. And yet his blood was boiling with jealousy, rage and fear all at once, cooking him from the inside out. Of course Christian was attracted to Jared. His cousin was basically an improved version of him. Jared was everything Alexander strove to be: calm, composed and dependable. Jared had his life figured out. Jared never lost his composure. Jared didn’t let his primitive instincts take over.

His cell phone rang.

Alexander pulled it out of his pocket. His face hardened when he saw the caller ID. But he answered. “What do you want?”

“And here I was hoping you’d calm down,” Jared said.

“I’m perfectly calm.”

Jared let out an incredulous chuckle. “Come over, then. I think we need to clear a few things up.”

Chapter 19

When Jared opened the door, there were no hugs and smiles this time around.

Alexander looked at his cousin’s face and couldn’t summon even a flicker of affection for him. All he could see was the man who’d had his tongue in Christian’s mouth.

Yeah, I want him.
Remembering Christian’s words, he felt his hands clench into fists by his sides, his breathing uneven and loud even to his own ears. Rage bubbled in his gut, mixed with a dose of fear and resentment. He loved his cousin. He shouldn’t be feeling this. He shouldn’t feel the nearly irresistible urge to slam Jared against the wall and punch him hard, again and again, until his face was a bloody mess.

As though reading his thoughts, Jared stepped back, eyeing him warily. “Come on in.”

The house was dark and quiet, the fireplace the only source of light in the living room.

Alexander took off his coat and threw it on one of the chairs before sinking into the armchair beside the fireplace.

Jared stared at him, walked to the mini-bar and grabbed a few beers.

“So,” Jared said, throwing him a can. He sat down on the couch and opened his beer. “About the pretty boy you brought here.”

Alexander stiffened but didn’t say anything. He didn’t trust himself not to say something he would regret later.

“Relax,” Jared said, watching him. “I don’t want your Christian.” He chuckled softly. “Well, if he lands in my lap, naked, I won’t say no—he’s ridiculously attractive, and I’m not dead. But I don’t want him.”

Some of the tension drained out of Alexander’s body. “Then why did you touch him?”

Jared sipped his beer. “I was curious how you would react. You were feeling him up the whole time, so I thought it would bother you if I touched him. But your reaction exceeded all my expectations.”

“If you want to study me like a lab rat, keep Christian out of it—and keep your tongue out of his mouth, dammit.”

Jared eyed him solemnly. “I thought you had a girlfriend.”

Alexander looked down at his beer, watching the reflection of the firelight on the can. “I did. Not anymore.”

Silence.

“It’s a bit strange,” Jared said, his tone careful. “Your relationship seemed fine just a few months ago. I thought you weren’t interested in guys at all.”

Alexander opened his beer and took a big gulp. “I wasn’t. Until Mila invited Christian for a threesome.” Alexander looked at the fireplace, watching the yellow flames dance across a burning log. Now it felt like it all had happened in another lifetime, not two months ago. “He annoyed me.” He chuckled humorlessly. “Not sure how I went from being annoyed to wanting my dick inside him.”

He looked at Jared, gauging his reaction.

His cousin’s expression was calm and unsurprised. That was the thing about Jared: he was always composed and cool-headed. Sometimes Alexander envied him, because he often felt like a ticking bomb set to go off.

“From the way you looked at him today, it’s not just about sex, is it?” Jared murmured, sipping his beer.

“I don’t love him,” Alexander said tersely.

“I didn’t say you did,” Jared said, raising his eyebrows. “But out of curiosity—why do you think you don’t love him?”

Sighing, Alexander pinched the bridge of his nose. “Because I
don’t
. This—it’s not love. Love isn’t supposed to be like this.”

“Like what?”

Alexander met his eyes and said quietly, “When I saw you kissing him, I wanted to tear you limb from limb. I’m not exaggerating.” Seeing Jared’s expression, he let out a harsh laugh. “Yeah. It didn’t matter you’re my closest friend and cousin. This thing… it stripped me of all control. I felt like—like a man possessed. Like he’s mine. And no one but me can touch him. See, it’s obsession, not love.”

Jared studied him, his expression contemplative. “You just never wanted someone enough to be truly jealous. You never cared enough. You never needed enough. That’s why you think it’s not normal to feel that way.” He laughed, something pained flashing across his features before he concealed it behind a neutral expression. “It’s pretty normal, trust me. And it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not love. If you think it’s not love, maybe you never loved before.”

“I loved Mila,” Alexander ground out.

“Did you?” Jared said in a low voice. “I’m not sure you did.”

Alexander tensed. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Jared looked down at his beer before looking back at him. “I’ve said nothing before, but I always thought all of your relationships were a bit shallow—No, hear me out! Yes, all of them were pretty long and serious, and all of them were…nice and steady. They didn’t seem to make you feel much of anything. You were never jealous. You were never angry. You never cared enough.” He held Alexander’s gaze. “But that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

His jaw tightening, Alexander leveled him with a look. “I don’t like what you’re implying, Jared. And you’re wrong.”

“Maybe,” Jared conceded. “Maybe you did love your girlfriends. But your reaction to your jealousy over Christian speaks volumes. You think it’s not normal. You don’t want to feel it. You think anything that strong and ugly can’t be love.” Jared eyed his beer, a strange twisted smile on his lips. “You’re wrong. And suppressing emotions isn’t healthy, Alexander.”

Alexander pressed his lips together. “How do you do that, Jared? Nothing baffles you. You have an answer for everything.”

Some emotion flashed through Jared’s face. “There’s no need for that tone. I don’t have an answer for everything. Far from it. I’m just saying sometimes love isn’t pretty. It’s not neat, and it’s not textbook perfect. There’s no template for love. Sometimes it’s dirty. Sometimes it’s a bit creepy. And sometimes it hurts.”