Authors: Hayley Oakes
He nodded. “Yes, I mean you need to tell me what furniture you want and stuff.”
“Nothing,” I said, with a tight smile, walking passed him to see what he was packing. “I just want my things and everything else you can keep. I don’t need it.”
“I see,” he said, moving his glasses up his nose and his fair hair blowing in the late summer breeze. “Well, do we need to talk money? I mean should I pay you for it?”
I shook my head. “I have enough money, Simon, look I just want to get my things and the solicitor information, and then that’s it. Okay?”
“Right.” He nodded. “Come inside then.”
I followed him into the side door that led to the kitchen and couldn’t help but feel a little sad that this home we had lovingly built together never did get the family it deserved, not from us anyway. We took a seat at the dining table. The room was so homely and everything that I always wanted my kitchen to be, but sitting here now it felt like a lie. My life with Simon had just been a lie, and this kitchen was a front for that deception.
“We were happy.” He sighed, looking at me with a smile.
I scrunched my face and glared at him. “Were we?” I snapped.
“Well I was,” he said quietly.
“Yet you ended it?” I shook my head,
“I know, I mean we had happy times didn’t we?”
I shook my head. “Please let’s get passed all this shit, where is the information?”
“I just want to talk ... can we talk?”
“About what?” I raged, “what is there to talk about? I just want to get my stuff or a key so I can come back and pack, then go.”
“I still love you, Sophie, I think about you all the time,” he said quietly, looking down to the table.
I pushed myself up with a guttural scream and started to walk to the door. He grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry okay? I made a mistake, please just listen to me, hear me out.”
I couldn’t help it, I was curious, I wanted to finally hear his reason and understand why he did this. I wanted to know how he could just dismiss our years together and cancel our wedding, back then I hadn’t wanted to know. The humiliation was too much, and I didn’t even fight for us. I accepted his words and silently packed a case. I slid back into my chair but didn’t say a word.
He leaned forward to try to catch my eye. “I was scared.”
I snorted in retort. “Not good enough.” I laughed, looking up. He caught my eye and laid his hand on mine.
“I was nervous about the wedding, we weren’t getting on, and I couldn’t bear to live like that forever.”
I nodded silently.
“It was just hell coming home every night to the planning and incessant talking about
‘the wedding’
,” he quoted with his fingers. “I freaked out and then this girl from work.”
“Ahhhhhh,” I said, clapping my hands and pulling away from him. “Here it comes, enter the girl from work who gave you a few good blow jobs and made you remember what we used to have.”
“No,” he snapped, “Nothing happened, we were friendly, she listened to me when you were too busy to notice I was there except to shout at. She told me I was a good guy and made me feel like a man and …”
“Do you expect me to sympathise with this bullshit, Simon?” I asked, shocked. “Should I say I’m sorry for not making every second of my life about you? Should I be upset that I couldn’t quite fit your every need into my day besides lesson planning, my full time job, marking homework, and planning our fucking wedding?”
“No, God. This isn’t coming out how I’d hoped.” He sighed.
“Simon, it’s done, okay? I accepted it and for what it’s worth you made the right decision.”
“No that’s the thing, I didn’t. I thought I would find some release and that I’d be relieved and happy, but I just miss you so much. I hate my life without you and I … I wanted to tell you that.”
“But you didn’t!” I snapped. “You didn’t, and I’ve moved on, and I’m happy, and what you said was right. We didn’t notice each other, we were too wrapped up on our own lives to care about each other properly. When the right person comes along all you will do is notice them and your life will be secondary.”
He looked down to the table. “You were that for me Sophie, you were my everything, but you didn’t love me like that. I figured it out and thought I wanted more but … I don’t.”
“Oh don’t be pathetic, Simon,” I shouted, “You deserve better than that and if that’s what you think then you definitely did the right thing.”
“Was I wrong?” He looked up at me like a lost puppy, all big brown eyes and anguished smile. He wasn’t the big, strong man that I had been used to these past couple of months with Kyle. He was the safe, young man who I had thought could save me and make me normal.
“I loved you.” I leaned in and took his hand, “But you were right, we both deserve more.”
“So you’ve moved on?” he asked, “There’s someone else?”
I nodded. “You’ve got no right to ask me that, Simon.” I said tightly, “but yes I am seeing someone else and he makes me happy.”
“You look great Soph, truly great.” He stood up. “I’ll get the solicitor’s details,” he said glumly, “and you can have a key, get your stuff this weekend when I’m away.”
“Right, thanks,” I said quietly. He walked to the kitchen counter, grabbed some paper work and handed them to me.
“I tried to tell you,” he said as I stood to leave, “I came to the house, the morning after our wedding day. I knew then that I’d made a huge mistake”
“What?” I turned to him surprised. “Where was I? Did you knock?”
“I did.” He hung his head, “I knocked and your step-brother answered, he stepped outside and told me in no uncertain terms to leave you alone and he looked like he might knock me out at any second.” He laughed lightly. “That guy is pretty intimidating.”
My mouth hung open, “Kyle … Kyle told you to leave me alone? You came to see me and he ran you off?”
He nodded and held his hands up. “I suppose he thought I’d had my chance,” he said.
“That was not his decision to make,” I said through gritted teeth.
“I’m sorry, I should have tried harder …” He stepped towards me, and I stepped away to the door.
“No.” I shook my head and made my way outside, “We weren’t meant to be Simon, you should have spoken to me way before doing what you did, but I’m sick of people making decisions for ME that affect my life and not even having the decency to include me.”
“Soph …” he began as I walked away down the driveway. “Keep in touch.”
“Don’t hold your breath!” I shouted back.
I was fuming. I was absolutely livid. Simon had been to my house, he had come to speak to me and Kyle decided that he shouldn’t. Who was he after ten years to decide what was best for me? He didn’t know Simon and certainly had no idea who I was, and yet he had become involved. If it had been Mum or even Mick I could understand, but he had breezed in the night before and taken charge? I needed to calm down.
It all slotted into place, he got me, he wanted me, he saw me at my lowest and re-built me, and I loved him for it. I felt sick. Simon had been my chance at normal. He had been the only thing that didn’t remind me constantly of Kyle. He was the only person that I had built memories with that didn’t include that man. He was my chance at a healthy relationship and Kyle had scared him away. He had come back for me and instead of that chance I had fallen back in love with Kyle, and there was no hope for me now.
I barged into the kitchen and straight into the conservatory where Kyle led on a sofa with a magazine.
“Wow.” He grinned. “You look pissed off, did the ex cut up all your knickers?”
I knocked the magazine out of his hands and he sat up slowly. “Did you think he wouldn’t tell me?” I asked.
He narrowed his eyes. “What?” he asked, looking confused.
“That he came here? That he wanted to see me and you ran him off?”
“Oh.” He looked down and nodded glumly, “Well …”
“You hoped he wouldn’t?”
“I … I suppose I didn’t think it would come up.”
“What?” I shouted. “Where’s your fucking sorry?”
“Hey calm down,” he soothed, standing up and rubbing my arms with his hands.
“Calm down?” I shouted, “Calm down? Oh my God, Kyle, Simon wanted to reconcile. He came here looking for ME. ME. Not you and you let me believe that he didn’t care?”
“What?” he said with a bitter laugh. “How the fuck am I getting the blame? The guy clearly didn’t give a shit when he dumped you weeks before your wedding or when he didn’t bother to call until he obviously couldn’t find anyone else so came crawling back.”
“What?” I screeched, “so he couldn’t find anyone else so I would do? He missed me, he said he loves me still.”
“Do you love him?” he asked calmly, although his jaw tightened as he asked.
“No I don’t” I said, the emotion evident on my voice, “of course I don’t because I love you, I always loved you and you made me remember that, and now look at me.” I fell back onto the sofa opposite where he has sat and tears began to flow.
“Look at you, what?” he asked.
“I’m back in this fucked-up relationship that no one will understand because you chased away my last chance at normal.”
“Oh my God!” he shouted, throwing his head back and covering his face with his hands to suppress the rage. “You still think we’re not normal, you still see us as wrong? Grow up!” he shouted.
“Grow up?” I asked incredulously, “How can you say that? Me grow up? You threatened my ex so you could get in my pants.”
“No I didn’t” he shook his head, “I threatened him because he didn’t deserve you, hell no one ever did, Soph, but him coming back sniffing round when you were still vulnerable. I couldn’t bear the thought of him getting you back because you were so low.”
“So you moved in for the kill?” I jumped up and squared up to where he stood.
“Do you really think that?” he asked his voice breaking. “You really think I would take advantage? I tried my best to stay away from you Soph. Tried everything to just be your friend, you came on to me.”
“Oh what did you think would happen? Us there all summer together? It was bound to happen, we’re like dynamite when we’re together.” I sighed.
“I was trying to be your friend, Sophie, I wanted to be there for you, to show you how great you are, and I still loved you, but I was willing to love you as a friend, just to see you be happy again.”
I shook my head. “You shouldn’t have done that Kyle, you should have told me he came.”
“So you could get back with that little weasel?”
“My decision!” I shouted.
“You really would rather have chosen HIM. You would have chosen that life with dullard to what we have? No one else has meant half as much to me in my whole fucking life as you have done in the few months we’ve ever been together. I’m on my arse here, giving everything I’ve got to be here with you, and you’d rather have mediocre so that no one will gossip about you?”
“I just want what I have to be average, simple, not a fucking taboo that I have to explain to everyone,” I groaned and threw my head back. “I suppose being back here brings it all to the forefront, the reasons why not and the awkwardness.”