Just Breathe (27 page)

She guided Val through a meditation, watching her breathing become deeper and her face relax. When she’d fallen asleep, Dee found Amanda in the waiting room.

‘She told me to be happy,’ Dee said.

‘She told me to relax,’ Amanda said.

It was mid-morning when Val was wheeled away. Amanda disappeared to ring home. Ken arrived and Dee had just sat down with him in the waiting room when Ethan appeared at the door. She stood up again in surprise.

‘Feel like company?’ It was a weekday but he was in casual clothes and bearing cappuccinos, muffins and the nicest smile in the history of man. Dee took the coffee tray from
him and tried not to think about what he wanted.

Reece and the girls arrived early in the afternoon, not long before they got the news that Val was fine and would be back in her room soon. Dee hugged Amanda with relief. Then Ken and Reece and the girls. And Ethan.

‘Mummy, how come Granma’s friends aren’t allowed to visit her?’ Ruby asked. She was sitting on Amanda’s knee, her feet on Dee’s lap as they waited to be allowed in.

‘It’s just while she’s not feeling very well. Only the people who love her the most can visit her. Then she won’t feel like jumping up and making everyone a cup of tea.’

‘I don’t like tea so I’ll be allowed to see her, won’t I?’

‘Of course, but just for a kiss and a hug so she knows you’re there.’

‘Granma made Amelia a cup of tea once. Will she be allowed to see her?’

Dee looked across the room at Amelia playing cards with Reece and Ethan.

Amanda ruffled Ruby’s hair. ‘Of course she can because she loves Granma too.’

‘Does Granpa love her?’

‘Yes.’

‘Does Daddy love her?’

‘Yes.’

‘Does Ethan love her?’

‘No. He loves Auntie Dee.’

Dee glanced at Amanda in surprise. Then at Ethan the same way.

‘Does Auntie Dee love Ethan?’

Amanda smiled at Dee. ‘I’m not sure, sweetie, but I think that little glint in her eyes might be a hint.’

She had a glint? Was that anything like a sparkle?

Ruby climbed onto Dee’s lap and peered at her eyeballs like an optometrist. ‘Does it hurt having glitter in there?’

‘I don’t really have anything in my eyes. Mummy’s just joking. Aren’t you?’ She glared at Amanda, wanting her to take it back.

‘When was the last time you checked a mirror, Dee?’ Amanda asked. ‘You’ve got a whole sequin factory going on in there.’

‘No, I don’t.’ Glints and sparkles were for naive people who didn’t know how to protect themselves. She wasn’t that person any more.

She looked at Ethan again, remembering how she felt when he walked into the waiting room this morning – and knew what she had to do.

‘You can see her now. Just a few at a time,’ a nurse said from the doorway.

Dee stood and walked to Ethan. ‘Will you wait for me?’

His smile was enough to break her heart. ‘As long as you like.’

Val was groggy and pale but she smiled when Dee leaned over the bed.

‘I’m still here,’ Val whispered.

‘Never doubted it,’ Dee told her.

Val took her hand and squeezed lightly. ‘Love you, Dee.’

‘Love you, Mum.’

A while later, Dee left her with Amanda and the girls and found Ethan in the waiting room. ‘Let’s go outside.’

The air was cool in the hospital courtyard. Dee folded her arms to keep warm, told herself she wasn’t going to have a panic attack. She’d made a decision. It was time to get on with it. She backed up a bit as Ethan moved towards her – she wouldn’t be able to do it if he touched her. ‘We need to have that conversation now.’

He frowned uncertainly, waited for her to start.

How to explain it? A sparkle in her eye was more than she could bear. No, it didn’t make sense like that. She had to be clear. ‘I … I can’t be with you any more.’

His eyes narrowed in confusion, anger.

Clear as an uppercut, Dee. She shook her head. ‘Sorry. I’m upset and tired and I’m not thinking straight. The truth is I’d be a basket case if you hadn’t been here with me the last couple of days. You’ve been everything I needed. But I can’t be that for you.’

‘You don’t need to be anything for me.’

She shook her head again. ‘You want a future and I … don’t.’

‘You don’t want to get hurt. I get that. I don’t either.’

‘That’s not what I mean.’

‘You’re scared of the future.’

‘No. I’m scared of
you
.’

His chin came up like it’d been hit. The uppercut claiming its mark. ‘What? Why?’

‘Because you’re just so bloody fabulous. Because I never expected you to be so damn great.’ Tears stung her eyes. ‘And generous and patient and a whole bunch of other things. I thought we’d have a lovely time and you’d lose interest before I got attached. But you haven’t and now I just want to be with you. And I can’t be because one day you’ll walk away and it’ll hurt like hell and I don’t want any more pain.’

He shot out a hand, stopping her before she spun away. ‘You don’t know if I’ll walk away. You might be the love of my life, the piece of my puzzle that completes me.’

Her heart skipped a beat, almost made her do a rethink. But she wasn’t young and naive any more. Like when Anthony said he loved her. She was older, wiser, safer, pain-free. And she intended to stay that way. ‘Be realistic, Ethan. We couldn’t be more different. You’re handsome and sophisticated and smart and there’s so much out there waiting for you. I wouldn’t survive in your world and you’d get bored in mine. The newspapers got most of it wrong but they were right about one thing – we won’t last.’

‘No!’ His voice was hard, determined, but his eyes were uneasy, as though he wasn’t sure how to negotiate this one. ‘Our lifestyles are different but I want the same things you want. Everything you talked about that day after the funeral, about a home and a family and someone to love. I want that too.’

Make-Believe City. ‘That was a game. I never let myself actually
want
that.’

He pushed a hand through his hair in frustration. ‘Why not? There’s no reason you can’t
have that. It’s not like you want to be a male sprint champion. We could make each other’s dreams come true.’

Her heart felt like it’d forgotten how to beat. ‘My dream is to be safe and live without pain. I can’t do that with you. It hurts enough to walk away
now
. You talk about investing in a relationship. Well, I can’t invest in something that’s more than likely going to hurt like hell. I’ve had enough pain in my life. I have to protect myself.’

He held out a hand. It didn’t reach her. ‘I love you, Dee.’

The air left her lungs. She knocked his fingers away in case she grabbed hold of it. ‘I wish I could say something horrible to make you leave. But I can’t because part of me wants to hang on tight. So please, please let me walk away.’

He said nothing more. Just watched – anger, frustration, disappointment, pity even, making a mask of his face.

For a moment, Dee didn’t think she’d be able to move. But she did. She turned and walked. She had to. Had to find a way back to her life. Her pre-Ethan life.

Dee’s eyes flew open. She gasped, sat up.
Ethan
.

Would she ever have another waking thought? She took a slow, deep breath, began with the big circles right and left, grateful that quiet moments like these had kept her sane. She moved through her yoga practice, felt her mind shut down the morning anxiety and her spirits lift at the thought of returning to teaching. It was only a week and a half but it felt like a year.

The cancellation of the DVD was a blessing in the end. She didn’t have to worry about work when Val was in the hospital. And later, after she’d walked away from Ethan, it gave her the time to crawl into a misery cave and not move from her bed for days. But it was time to get her life back on track, and teaching was the only place she knew to start.

She parked in Patrick’s driveway and turned off her phone, trying not to think about the messages she still hadn’t replied to. No point calling when she couldn’t decide what to say.

Patrick opened the door before she knocked. ‘Welcome back.’

‘Thanks. How’s the neck?’

‘Sore.’

‘And the knee?’

‘Can hardly bend it. Leon knows his yoga but he doesn’t understand me like you. If I pay extra, will you promise not to go anywhere for the next six months?’

She laughed. Didn’t tell him she probably wouldn’t be around for long. Although she couldn’t decide about that either.

An hour later, she was stuck in peak hour on her way to the yoga school when Leon rang. ‘How’d you feel after your first class?’

‘Better than yesterday and it was nice to see Patrick.’

‘You’ll get there, babe. You’re strong and you’ve got me.’

Dee smiled as she squeezed between two cars in the bumper-to-bumper traffic. She might not have made it this far without Leon’s shoulders to blubber on.

‘So what did the hospital want?’ he asked.

She’d ended a phone call with him yesterday when the cardiac ward had rung on the mobile. Her first panicked thought had been for Val. ‘They asked if I’d be interested in doing meditation with patients. Apparently, they were impressed with the way Mum’s blood pressure dropped after the sessions I did with her. They want me to come in and talk to them.’

‘That’s great. When?’

‘I said I’d get back to them.’

Leon was quiet for a moment. ‘So did you call that clothing guy?’

‘Graeme Paffe?’ He’d phoned almost a week ago, offering her a contract as the official assistant designer on his new yoga clothing range. ‘Not yet.’

‘What about Lucy Roxburgh’s guy?’

‘Adam Velor.’ He wanted her to audition for another ad campaign. ‘No.’

‘Well, what about Health Life? How soon are they starting?’

The DVD had been given the go-ahead again and they wanted her back. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to them.’

Up ahead, the lights turned green but the traffic was stalled. Like Dee.

The weird thing about the way her life came to a bone-crunching halt after Val’s heart attack was that the opportunities that had been circling her like planes in a holding pattern had now landed and were ready for boarding.

They were all wonderful opportunities, she knew that, but her brain was in neutral. Had slipped there the moment she’d walked away from Ethan, as though she’d reached her limit of emotional turmoil and switched off. Even her anxiety was lethargic. She couldn’t make her brain think about the offers, let alone make any kind of choice. The closest she’d come to deciding anything was to consider running off to India until all her opportunities were forgotten.

For the moment, she’d told them all she’d think about it.

‘It’s just as well breathing is automatic,’ Leon said, ‘or you might not have got around to that either.’ He laughed but Dee could hear the edge of his frustration. ‘Well, while you’ve had your head in the sand, I’ve decided to crank up the yoga-tourism thing.’

‘Wow. Already?’ The TV soap Leon and Pam worked on had been cancelled last week, leaving both of them out of jobs.

‘It’s the quick or the broke, babe. It’s going to be a while before I can live off teaching yoga. Two regular students won’t pay the Mastercard, so it’s perfect timing to take a group to India. I’m thinking an ashram, a couple of tours, some intense classes and a bit of cash. What do you reckon?’

Dee tried to get her head around the concept, couldn’t concentrate on the details. ‘Sounds … fine.’

‘I’ve got a meeting with a travel agent this afternoon who’s keen to get involved. Told her I know this really cool yoga teacher who’d be great as co-host. So … it looks like it’ll be in August. Are you in?’

Another offer she couldn’t compute. Dee blurted out the first thing that came to mind. ‘I can’t. I don’t want to know what I’m going to be doing in August. I’m struggling enough with May.’

There was a long pause from Leon’s end of the line. ‘Okay. Whatever. I gotta go. Have a better day. And Dee? Don’t forget to breathe.’

He hung up and Dee winced, feeling bad she’d turned him down. If his history was anything to go by, the tour would be a blast and he’d earn a nice hunk of money – but he’d have to do it without her.

The rousing welcome from her eight o’clock intermediate class told her they were happy to have her back.

‘Did you enjoy Pam’s class?’ Dee asked as they lined up on their mats.

‘She was enthusiastic.’

‘Full of energy.’

‘Hyped up as the kids I just dropped off at school. Can we start with meditation?’

Dee laughed. They could start with whatever they liked. Being back in the classroom was energising. The smell of incense and sweat, the sounds of deep yogic breathing, the sight of twenty people moving together, letting their tension go made Dee realise that, if she was ever going to snap out of neutral and find a forward gear, it would be here. In a classroom. Teaching what she knew.

‘Move to the front of your mats for Warrior Pose.’ She waited while they found their positions. ‘Looking straight ahead and with your arms outstretched, bend your forward knee.’ Demonstrating, Dee sank into a deep lunge, felt the muscles in her thigh bunch, looked out along her arm to the unfocused distance.

She’d spent a lot of time in the Warrior Pose lately. It built courage and focus and strength – and she’d needed all of them. Especially courage – to live with her decision to walk away from Ethan. She kept telling herself that, if it hurt this much now, it would’ve been unbearable if she’d waited. It wasn’t much consolation, though. Particularly as her head hadn’t managed to leave him quite so effectively as the rest of her. He was still in there, lurking in her thoughts.

After class, she tip-toed upstairs to the apartment and knocked quietly so she didn’t wake the baby. The arrival three weeks early of little Marlee was the only thing besides Val that’d dragged Dee out of her apartment in the last week and a half. She made the trip twice, held the tiny girl, cooed in wonder and was glad Arianne and Howard didn’t press her about the partnership. She hadn’t made any decisions about that either.

Arianne would be moving down to the South Coast later in the week, but today Dee was taking her and Marlee to the beach for lunch. After a month trapped at home, Arianne couldn’t bear to be inside. They sat at a table on the grass above the sand, surrounded by hungry seagulls. Dee bit into a sushi roll and watched while Arianne freed Marlee from the sling, unbuttoned her
blouse and began to feed her. Arianne seemed so well. The held-in-captivity look was gone and she seemed healthy, contented. As if to prove it, she glanced up and smiled.

‘Look at me, Dee. I’m a mother.’

Thank God that opportunity hadn’t presented itself, Dee thought. She doubted she’d ever be able to deal with that kind of future. ‘Does it scare you?’

‘Terrifies me. She’s so tiny I keep thinking I’m going to crush her.’

Dee smiled at how Marlee’s body almost fitted in the palm of Arianne’s hand. ‘I mean, does being a mother scare you? It’s not like you can back out of it now.’

Arianne frowned. ‘I don’t want to back out. Nothing could ever happen that would make me not want to be her mother. Even if I’m really bad at this and she ends up hating me, it’ll be worth it. For this moment, sitting right here, holding her like this. No matter what else happens, I will have had this.’

Her words made Dee’s breath catch. She turned away, watched the surf crashing on the beach. ‘I walked away from Ethan because I thought a few good moments weren’t worth getting hurt for.’ She tossed a scrap into the crowd of gulls at their feet. ‘And it’s entirely likely I’ll give up all the fabulous offers piling up around me because I’m scared of a future that might turn belly up.’ She gazed at Marlee sucking vigorously. ‘I can’t be a partner in the yoga school. I don’t want to commit that far into the future.’

Arianne watched her a moment, maybe absorbing the news. ‘What are you going to do?’

‘I’m thinking of going to India, do some yoga, travel around a bit.’

Arianne nodded, as if she’d expected as much. She removed Marlee from her breast, lifted her up to her shoulder and started up a rhythmic patting.