Just Breathe (28 page)

‘I’m so sorry,’ Dee said.

Arianne pressed her lips together and irritation flashed through her eyes. ‘I’d be happy to accept that if I thought you’d actually made a decision. But you’re still freaking out and it’s easier to run away than to think about it.’

Dee was taken aback – Arianne didn’t do angry. But then her choice would probably make Arianne and Howard’s life more difficult, at least in the short term. ‘I really wish I could help you out but I just can’t.’

‘Don’t be sorry for
me
. You should be sorry for yourself.’ She lowered Marlee from her shoulder, nestling her in the crook of her arm. ‘What the hell are you doing, Dee? You fobbed off Leon’s proposal like it was cold soup and I bet you haven’t even considered what you might have to offer the school. You’re only the best bloody yoga teacher we’ve got. And what about the rest of it? You’ve got all these amazing opportunities and you’re going to pass them up because you’re freaking out. Fine, pass them up if that’s what you
decide
. But don’t do it just because you’re scared.’

What the hell did Arianne know about scared? ‘There’s no decision to make. I don’t want what’s on offer – a well-framed, full-colour future that I can nurture until it’s ripped away from me.’

Arianne rocked Marlee and watched Dee with frustration. ‘You’re not scared of the future, Dee. You’re scared of having a life.’

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Yeah, you are. I’ve watched you run away from it for years. Like when that American guy asked you to go to the States with him. Or when that woman in Queensland offered you her school for almost nothing. Or when that ashram in Perth wanted a manager. After everything you’ve been through, you should be grabbing life with both hands and holding on tight.’

Dee closed her eyes and remembered how it felt to hold on to Ethan. ‘I don’t want to get hurt.’

‘You’re already hurt, Dee. You hurt yourself when you broke up with Ethan.’

Something huge and painful welled inside her and hurt her some more.

Arianne took her hand across the table. ‘It’s okay to be happy once in a while.’

No, it isn’t. Tears filled Dee’s eyes, spilling onto her cheeks. ‘I’m afraid to be happy. The happier I am, the more I could get hurt. I just want to be safe and live without pain.’

‘Happiness isn’t a pre-requisite for getting hurt. You can get hit by a truck when you’re miserable. But if you’re happy, at least you can say you had something good and worthwhile in your life at some time. Who wants to be on their death bed thinking, well, gee, I had a
safe
life? In seventy-odd years, when you’re being put in the ground, I want to order a headstone that tells the world you had a
full
life. That you had lots of love and pain and happiness and loss, and yoga let you live longer so you could squeeze some more in.’

Dee wiped her eyes. Could she stand any more pain? Could she let herself be happy?

Dee rested her head on the picnic table and watched the surf. Arianne said she needed the exercise and had walked home with Marlee in a stroller, but Dee couldn’t bring herself to move.

Here lies Dee, confused and in neutral.

She was aware she was in some kind of depression but she didn’t know how to shake it.

How did she get to this painful point when she’d worked so hard at avoiding it? It was that damn Health Life ad, making her feel her old life wasn’t enough. Her life had been fine. Just fine. Well, up until Leon moved out and she discovered she had no furniture. Actually, it had taken a bad turn when Val blackmailed her with an apartment. No, before then, when she smashed Leon’s car and had no savings to pay for it. To be honest, she was almost on the breadline even then.

Okay, so her old life hadn’t been fine. And the Health Life ad saved her. And everything since then was exhilarating and fun and full of … Ethan.

Was she scared of a future or scared of having a life?

Either way, it didn’t seem to matter – she was still scared. And still depressed. Although neutral felt different now. As though her engine was revving but she needed to find the gearstick before she could go anywhere.

There was time to kill before the next class, and moving felt more productive than staring at the surf, so she heaved herself up and wandered back to the car. The afternoon seemed oddly empty without Lucy’s class to drag her across town. It still hurt that she hadn’t called but there were bigger issues to deal with right now. Stay or go? Safety or happiness? Arianne was right. She needed to make a decision, not just run away. She owed that much to her friends. Maybe she
owed it to herself as well.

She drove to the shopping centre, looked at sofas in a store window, signed on at an internet café. She hadn’t checked her account since Val was rushed to hospital, and there were a zillion emails, at least half of them from her mother. Dee guessed the computer was filling in for her social life while she recuperated at home. She deleted them in blocks, almost missing the single one Val hadn’t forwarded to her entire mailing list.

I’ve just been notified that Auntie May’s money will be transferred to my account next week. I’d like you to buy an apartment but a business can be a good investment too. The money is yours so what you spend it on is your decision. Although it might be a good idea to get some financial advice before committing to anything. I’m sure Ethan would talk to you about that. I’m looking forward to hearing what you decide to do. Love, Mum.

Neither Dee nor Val had mentioned their conversation in the hospital since the procedure but there was a softening in her mother’s attitude. She called her Dee now, and that felt like a major shift. Dee read the email three times. The money put the partnership offer in a different light. Not such a big loan. It might mean five years of repayments instead of fifteen. She wished she could ask Ethan about it.

Scrolling down, she found a message from Emily’s husband, Mike.

It’s taken me a while to be able to thank the people who were so kind to us during Emily’s illness. I’d like to say more but for now just want to say thank you, Dee, for being there for us. Lauren is keen to start yoga but when she rang the school, she was told you weren’t teaching for a while. It’d be great if you’d let us know when you get back. She’s struggling a bit and I think it would help. Mike.

Dee remembered how she’d felt in the months after her father died: alone, sad, different
from her friends.

Mike, so glad to hear from you. I’m back at the school this week. The 6 p.m. Tuesday class might suit Lauren. Hope to see all of you soon. Dee.

She drove to the school, parked out front and said hello to the guy who rented storage space on the lower level. Then she paused a moment, poking her head through his door. It was floor to ceiling furniture in there – Asian, dark timber, at least a container load. Hard to tell how big the room was with all that stuff but it must be the same size as the yoga room upstairs. Plenty big enough for a class. Maybe they could run two lessons at once.

Upstairs, she dragged out the yoga mats, lit the incense and heard her phone ringing.

‘Dee, I’ve just heard about your mum. I’m so sorry. Is she okay?’

It was Lucy, and the sound of her voice made Dee’s face heat up.

‘She’s a lot better now, thanks.’ She wanted to say more but didn’t know how or where to start.

‘I flew in this afternoon and I’m still catching up on all the news. You go away for two weeks and it’s like you’ve left the planet.’

Dee frowned. ‘Where have you been?’

‘The States.’ She said it as though it was obvious, then paused as if she was recalculating. ‘I thought you knew. John’s father had a turn and we had to rush to the States to say goodbye. It was horrible. We didn’t think we’d make it in time, then a couple of days later he perked up. Surprised everyone. He went home three days ago and we got on a flight the same afternoon.’

Lucy hadn’t deserted her after all. ‘I’m so glad everything’s okay.’

‘And I can’t wait to tell you.’ Lucy lowered her voice. ‘It’s all hush-hush at the moment, and I thought it was just stress, but I took a test over there and I’m pregnant.’

‘Oh, Lucy, I’m so happy for you.’ Happy that Lucy had what she wanted, happy that she wanted to tell her. Happy felt good. She tipped her head back, enjoying the sensation, and caught sight of the clock on the wall. Students would be arriving in five minutes. She walked to the windows, pulling down blinds. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘I’m great. Haven’t thrown up or anything. But I’m going to need some serious yoga. We could only get seats in economy on the way home and my back’s killing me. I hope you haven’t given my lesson time away.’

Dee thought about the hole in her afternoon schedule, remembered how it got there. ‘No, I haven’t, but about –’

‘Look, Dee,’ Lucy interrupted, ‘about what happened at Ethan’s. I wanted to call you but then we had to leave and I didn’t get back to you in the rush. It’s just that I got a little over-protective.’

‘Of Ethan?’ He hardly needed protection from a younger sister.

‘No, of you. I didn’t want him screwing you around. I thought he was trying to hook you into the Roxburgh Girl thing and I was pretty sure you weren’t into that. Then, when I saw you there, I was just so surprised. It never occurred to me
you’d
be into
him
.’

‘What do you mean the Roxburgh Girl thing?’

‘The publicity circuit. It’s my fault, really. I organised a couple of PR-type dates after his divorce to keep the paparazzi at bay. Then he figured if he kept showing up to places with gorgeous women, the media wouldn’t look any deeper and he could explore other relationships out of the spotlight. If they don’t work, he doesn’t have to relive them in the gossip columns, like he did when his marriage fell apart.’

Dee moved to the next window, squinting in the afternoon sun. ‘The Roxburgh Girls are
publicity stunts?’

‘I’d prefer to call them photo opportunities.’

‘He doesn’t actually date them?’

‘A couple have held his interest for a while. Most of them don’t expect to. They’re in it for the profile. That’s why I was pissed off you’d been labelled one.’

‘Because I don’t fit the Roxburgh Girl mould.’

‘Absolutely, and thank God for that. I wouldn’t like you so much if you were the Roxburgh Girl type. But I thought Ethan had pushed you into it as part of the mentoring. I never thought you two might actually like each other. You guys are so different. Then I wondered why I hadn’t seen it. His bitch ex-wife was more interested in being a Roxburgh than in Ethan, and that hurt him. You’re probably the only woman he’s ever met who can see past his surname.’

Dee leaned against the cool wall while memories of Ethan got taken out and refiled. She’d had it wrong from the start. Him, the Roxburgh Girls, the way he thought she was different. No wonder he’d pushed for a future. She drew in a shaky breath. ‘Is he okay?’

Lucy made a huffing sound. ‘He’s something. Pissed off, that’s for sure. I assumed he was an idiot and you were giving him what he deserved. I told him if he’d fucked it up, he didn’t deserve you. Whatever it is, make sure you give him hell. My brother can be a bastard.’

‘No, he’s not a bastard. I know what bastards are like and he’s not like that.’ Neither was Lucy. ‘I’m really sorry about that journalist. I didn’t realise he was trying to get information.’

‘Forget it. You’re great at yoga. No one expects you to have media training. Besides, no harm done. I hear Health Life’s back on track for the DVD. You’ll do great.’

Dee wasn’t sure she wanted to do the DVD. Wasn’t sure what she wanted. ‘Thank you, Lucy. I really needed to hear all that.’

‘No probs. Hope your mum’s feeling better soon. Gotta go.
I’m
a Roxburgh Girl tonight. Ethan’s dragging me out to an awards dinner before he heads to the airport. I’m so jetlagged I’ll probably fall asleep in my food. See you Monday.’

Dee pushed herself off the wall. ‘Wait. Where’s he going?’

‘New York. I thought you knew.’

‘He said in June.’

‘He brought it forward. Couple of weeks there then another one in London. Oh, shit. Look at the time. Gotta go.’

The ceiling seemed to be spinning. Probably it was just Dee’s head and the way she’d slid to the floor without meaning to. She was no longer in neutral. Mental cogs were reeling in all directions. Not connecting, not finding a forward gear, just whirling about. She felt like she’d been playing that kids’ party game, the one where you spin around blindfolded then try to pin a tail on the butt of a donkey. Except she’d been way off, stuck the tail in his nose. No, worse. She’d got so dizzy she’d tripped, knocked the picture over, scared the guests and ruined the party.

She was so worried about getting hurt, she’d hurt the people she cared about most. She was insensitive to Leon, dismissive of Arianne and Howard’s generosity. And Ethan … God, she’d messed that up. She was so sure she’d never fit the mould that it hadn’t occurred to her that a different girl might be what he wanted all along.

She was still on the floor when the first students banged through the door downstairs. Crap. How was she going to teach when she couldn’t tell up from down?

‘Hey, Dee, starting without us?’ a student called.

She pulled herself to her feet and pasted on a smile. ‘Just warming up.’ She took money,
counted change, tried not to let the spinning cogs tip her over.

Pam made her customary loud entrance. ‘Good to see you back on the job.’

Dee walked over and hugged her. She’d got everything wrong for months. For all she knew, Pam was her best ally. Besides, after the mean things she’d thought, it felt like an apology.

Pam seemed a little surprised. ‘Everything okay?’

‘Not yet, but I think things might start heading in that direction.’

Dee worked hard to concentrate, leading them through a warm-up, following it with some floor stretches, a couple of balances. As they prepared for
Trikonasana
, the triangle pose, she glanced around the room. It was her advanced group. Some of them had been with her for years. Silvia, down the back, had been in her first beginners’ class and Owen had been to the Byron Bay workshops with her. Sue, in the centre, asked about India last month – she might be a prospect for Leon’s tour. And Pam …

Dee studied her – legs forming a strong, wide triangle, body bent sideways, one hand on the floor, the other stretched towards the ceiling. Former dancers always made beautiful shapes with their bodies. With her blonde curls and that joyful expression, she’d look great in an ad. Or a DVD.

She prepared them for Warrior Pose. ‘Draw in a deep breath. As you exhale, sink into a deep lunge.’ Dee joined them, arms outstretched, eyes focused ahead. ‘This is a strong posture. It heightens the awareness of your whole body.’ She bent further, front leg taking her weight, back one providing support. ‘Warrior Pose builds courage and assertiveness.’

Because a warrior needed courage and assertiveness to go into battle.

To face her fears.

Dee closed her eyes.

A future or a life?

It didn’t matter. She needed to face them both or she would never move on. Never buy a sofa. Never find happiness. Never be truly safe.

Never see Ethan again.

That’s when it happened. Like a clunk. As though all her cogs fell into sync and dropped into forward gear. She stood upright with a loud intake of air, surveyed the room of startled faces and made it to Pam in three steps.

‘Can you take over the class?’ she said quietly. ‘I’ve got to go.’

‘Sure. Are you sick?’

‘No. I’ve got to face a few demons.’

Dee dug her phone from her bag as she ran down the stairs and hammered in Lucy’s number as the door closed behind her. She’d never left a class before but forward gear felt urgent, unstoppable, a race car burning rubber before it got off the grid.

‘Lucy, it’s Dee. Where are you?’

‘On a veranda, hoping champagne will keep me awake. Why?’

‘I need to see Ethan. Are you with him?’

‘He’s right here. I’ll put him on.’

‘No! I need to
see
him.’

‘We’re about to go in to dinner. It’ll be a couple of hours at least.’

‘Shit.’ Forward gear was pushing her, well, forward. She was in the car, engine running, nowhere to go. ‘I stuffed things up with him, Lucy. I need to make it right.’

There was a pause on Lucy’s end, as though she was taking a look at her brother and deciding which one of them she was going to back. ‘We’re at The Seaview, the hotel
overlooking the rock pools. Young Entrepreneurs’ Awards.’

It was probably just as well Dee’s old second-hand car couldn’t do more than the speed limit because she wouldn’t have been able to hold herself back. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was going to do when she got there. She just needed to see Ethan and pin the tail on the donkey’s butt. She knew if she didn’t face that particular demon, she’d never be able to face the rest. Never be able to make another decision in her life.