Just F*ck Me! (7 page)

This should all be done and added to gradually so your man doesn’t ask what you’ve done with his woman! Even if he’s enjoying the new you, he might want to ask you what’s up in a more serious way. After all, one of the signs of a cheating partner is that their sexual tastes change, particularly after a period of lackluster lovemaking between the two of you.

So, you want to be able to explain to him about the changes you’ve made in the bedroom. There are two important elements to this conversation: that you don’t get defensive, and that you don’t place the blame at his feet. “Well, you weren’t making me happy in the bedroom, so I decided to make some changes” is not the right answer!

Also, a man’s ego bruises a lot more easily than you think, which is another reason not to mention any inability on his part.

This doesn’t have to be a protracted discussion. It can be as simple as, “It has been making me so hot recently when you’re all manly and dominant in the bedroom, I thought we could go further in that direction.” Or, you can talk about it in terms of your fantasies of being man-handled, so to speak.

If you want to talk about it in terms of your relationship, you can say, “I love that we’re partners in everything we do, but sometimes in the bedroom I want to feel like the weaker sex, you know? I want to feel like a sex object.”

Speaking as plainly as this sometimes confuses men! This might be hard to believe, but it’s true. This goes back to what we were talking about before, in terms of men being told their whole lives to treat women a certain way, especially when it comes to sex. Whatever the reason, there are some things you can say to further explain your desires.

If he asks if you want him to get really physical, “No, Honey, but there are times when I want you to call the shots and have your way with me. I might nag you for not cleaning up in the kitchen, but you can be as dirty as you want with me in the bedroom!”

If he asks if you’re happy in the relationship, by all means stress as strongly as you can that these desires have no bearing or consequences to your relationship, both day to day and long-term. If possible, try to tie it into a specific thing he did or said that inspired you. “I just got so frisky the other day watching you rebuild the car/play football/chop down that tree, and I was reminded all over again that you are just all man! It turns me on, and I wanted a little bit of that macho lovin’ coming my way!”

He can also be confused about the relationship, mistaking your request for something that is lacking in how he treats you. Again, remind him that this pertains to the bedroom only. You love that he treats you with so much respect and that you’re seen as an equal partner in the relationship, you just want to feel more like a naughty girl once the bedroom door closes at night.

But, I must emphasize here that too much talk can take all of the fun, passion and spontaneity out of this kind of sexual experimentation. If he keeps asking you to explain or clarify, drag him into the bedroom and show him! Or with a wink, tell him you’ll be happy to explain it further, naked, between the sheets – it’s up to him to name the time and date.

Once the two of you get into this kind of lovemaking, you want to make sure that the boundaries of your comfort are respected. While this might be a bit rocky at first, some gentle reinforcement and demonstrating can smooth out the way. Again, the heat of the moment is the best time for this, as you’ll quickly move onto other more pressing issues!

Sometimes, a simple, “Not so hard, Stud!” can make him pull back or slow down a bit. Other phrases can include, “Not too strong…yes, just like that.” “OK, Baby, that’s far enough right there.” “Now, now, let’s not get carried away,” said with a cheeky grin and a wink, can soften the criticism.

If you can’t help it and an “OUCH!” slips out, take immediate steps to stay in the moment. Chances are that he didn’t mean it, and a sexy little one-line joke can bring you both back into the groove.

If he keeps messing up somehow, you don’t want him to get performance anxiety. Simply say, “No, Honey, like this” and demonstrate on him, then give a big fat sexy “Oh, yeahhhhh” when he does it right. Men respond really well to positive reinforcement, so don’t forget to praise!

If he’s a little too into it, switch gears to a slower pace and a more gentle groove. It depends on how freaked out you get about it, but if he seems to have calmed down and it was a one-off, I would stick with the physical reinforcement of slowing it down and making it a softer experience.

However, if you felt like he was out of control, then you need to have a conversation about it; no amount of sexual excitement is worth you feeling unsafe, even for a moment.

The best way is to make it a light conversation: “You were really getting into it, Cowboy. What happened there?” Let him explain, and then finish up with, “Well, just try not to get too scary manly, OK? I still want to see that it’s you in there somewhere.” If he gets defensive or blames you, calm him down and say that it was fine, but you prefer it to be a bit less than what it was. Then soften the mood with something like, “But don’t worry, we’ll get the hang of it, just like any new, fun thing!”

For some men who really just don’t get it, this behavior might bleed into your daily life. A bit of joking is fun, and a sexy reminder of what you’ve been up to together. But if he starts to treat you badly at all, or in any way tries to be rough, then it’s time to put your foot down and end the shenanigans.

“Hey, wait a minute. That stuff goes on in that room, not out here. Keep it for sexy-time, Bucko.” Nice and stern for a moment, and make sure he knows he’s out of line.

MAKING IT A FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE FOR BOTH OF YOU

What you need to understand is that there is a powerful psychological dynamic going on, which you created when you introduced this idea. What might seem like fun in the heat of the moment, to either one of you, once replayed in the mind in the light of day can be interpreted any number of ways.

This is what you have to watch out for … with both of you.

For his part, he might become embarrassed by acting in a way that might seem too different than how he is normally. He might not like himself for acting that way. Is there something wrong with me because I like it too much? Does it mean I am less of a man because I don’t like it?

You might feel this too. You might wonder if he’s thinking you’re a secret slut. You might feel guilty about what you’ve been doing. Is it wrong to want to feel this way?

Also, despite your assurances, thoughts might creep in, for both of you, about the relationship in general. Is this really because you’re not happy in the relationship, and you’re just blocking out the reality of the situation?

Whew! Take a breath. It’s OK. Let’s review a couple of truths:

1. Despite the fact that you’ve been less than thrilled with what is happening in the bedroom, you are in a loving, committed relationship with a man who cares about you.
   

1. This is not “wrong.” You are two consenting adults who love each other and want to play a bit with your sexual dynamic. This is a perfectly normal urge that happens in the perfectly normal development of a sexual relationship.
   

1. While it might feel wild for the two of you, on the grand scale of sexual experimentation, kinks and fetishes, it really isn’t even remotely freaky. You’re simply enhancing the traditional roles of males and females in the bedroom. This is a far cry from, say, orgies, urination or whipping each other with chains. You’re fine.
   

That said, another truth is that once you get into it with your partner, you might realize it’s not nearly as exciting as you had fantasized. Again, this is totally and completely OK! There are any number of perfectly legitimate reasons why this might be the case.

Not all fantasies need to be brought to life in order to be exciting. Some are simply more titillating when they’re left in the mind. If this sounds like what you’re thinking, it’s OK to let the initiative you took kind of go by the wayside in terms of action; you can always fantasize about it on your own time, if you get my drift.

Once you start acting out your fantasies with your partner, it might occur to you that it wasn’t your partner you were fantasizing about in the role of alpha male. Again, don’t worry about it! It is perfectly healthy to have fantasies featuring men other than your partner. Heck, it’s perfectly healthy to have fantasies about women as well!

This might be a bit about the roles involved in what you’re doing. You might want to play the role of the innocent girl who’s being taken advantage of by a man; maybe it’s a 1950s secretary/boss thing; anything is fair game in fantasies. So, it’s only natural that while you’re playing a certain role in your mind, you are picturing someone else in the other role.

Also, the thought that you’re actually doing this together might make some part of you uncomfortable. There are scores of women everywhere who have a hard time being up front about sex and asking for (and receiving) what they want in the bedroom. If this sounds like you, then perhaps fantasizing that someone else is doing all of this is pretty normal.

This also goes back to what we were talking about earlier regarding some women not wanting to take responsibility for their sexual pleasure on a subconscious level. If you feel that someone is making you get this excited by doing something you might consider taboo, then you probably don’t want to think that your real-life partner is the person doing it!

WHAT IF IT JUST DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT?

Of course, it might not be as good as you fantasized about simply because it isn’t. So, your next question should be, why?

Have you given it enough time? This is an ongoing process, and it might take a good deal of time for you two to “click” when trying out new things in bed, particularly if you’ve been having the same kind of sex for a long time, or if you haven’t been feeling a connection with each other during your lovemaking for a while.

Maybe it’s because your desire for male assertiveness isn’t sexually based. Perhaps you’re reacting to the feeling that you’re wearing the pants in this relationship, and you don’t love it. If, after taking a good, hard look, this appears to be true, then leave the bedroom antics alone and work on your relationship.

It might not be working because his heart really isn’t in it. He might simply not enjoy treating you a certain way, or not derive any pleasure in being dominant in the bedroom. It happens! Perhaps you can talk about it and find something that would be mutually exciting, and get to work on that.

To be blunt, it could be because your guy sucks at it. If you’ve tried everything you can think of and he’s just not getting it, then you have a couple of choices.