Just Remember to Breathe (23 page)

“Speaking of sisters,” Sherman said. “I guess I should break the news. I’m going to Texas the week after Thanksgiving. You know, for a campus visit.”

“Oh, my God,” I said. “Does Carrie know?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’ve applied at Rice. Don’t know if I can get in; my grades aren’t as fantastic as my looks, you know. But close.”

I laughed. “Good luck,” I said, smiling.

“So, you know her better than I do. What’s a good gift to take?”

“Condoms,” I replied.

They both burst into laughter, and Sherman gave Dylan a high five. I blushed.

“Sorry. Sometimes I forget to consult my brain before I speak.”

“In all seriousness, though… you know, Carrie’s hardly dated at all. She’s always been so career-focused. Not to mention that a lot of guys are intimidated by her height, and her looks. She mostly gets complete assholes chasing after her. You’re a nice change, Ray.”

He grinned, then said, “I’ve been practicing my nice-guy exterior. But I’m pretty much an asshole underneath.”

“Whatever. Just get her something nice. Something… unusual. She’s got a ton of clothes and jewelry… my Dad gives her lots of money. He treats her like she’s a model. But something thoughtful, and different, would be perfect.”

He nodded seriously, then said, “Oh, shit, look at the time. I gotta go—see you guys later!”

I couldn’t help but notice that he hadn’t actually looked at the time before he said it. Instead, he dropped a twenty on the table and practically ran out.
 

“See you guys later,” he called as he went for the front door.

“Jesus,” Dylan said. “That was a setup.”

“You think so?” I asked.

“Yeah. He wanted to dump us alone with each other.”

“I wonder why?”

He looked at me, and swallowed. Then he took a deep breath, and said, “Probably because I told him last night that I’ve been having second thoughts.”

I looked away from him, suddenly numb in my fingers and toes, feeling as if I had stuck my head in a refrigerator. “Second thoughts about what?”

He sighed, then said, “About… me and you. Us. About my decision to walk away.”

I stared at the black and white checks of the wall near us, trying to maintain control of myself. I didn’t answer. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. Because this hurt. This really hurt. I’d done this to myself, knowing that if I kept hanging around, he’d eventually start to waver. And now he had. It was what I wanted. But not exactly.

When I didn’t answer, he continued awkwardly, his voice sounding very, very sad.

“Look,” he said. “I know I hurt you. I know I screwed up. And… maybe I’m hoping you’ll give me a second chance.”

I still couldn’t answer. My mind was running visions of us at a thousand miles a second. Running together around Central Park in the darkness before sunrise. Huddled together in his room or mine. The night we held each other in a breathless, awkward, yet wonderful make-out session in Golden Gate Park.
 

I closed my eyes. I could see those things, but I had to remember other things. Being curled up in my bed, not knowing if he was alive or dead. And him not having enough respect for me to tell me to my face why he wouldn’t have anything more to do with me.

“Will you consider it?” he asked.
 

Dylan rarely opened up so much, rarely made himself vulnerable like this. It was legitimate: I could see it in his eyes. I could see it in the very slight, almost invisible shaking in his hands. He was asking me to take him back, and it was laying him open, vulnerable to being hurt as bad as he’d hurt me.

That’s why it was really tough to do what I knew I had to do.

I shook my head. “No,” I said, very quietly.
 

He nearly collapsed into his seat. I kept my eyes away from him.

“I can’t live with that. With you… deciding it’s over, then just as quickly deciding you want me back. You don’t get to make those decisions all by yourself.”

I cut my eyes away from the wall, and back to him. He sat, looking glum, staring at the table. Then he said, his voice rough, “I was afraid of that.”

I leaned forward, and said, “Damn it, Dylan. This is twice. Twice you’ve broken my heart. Twice you’ve made me feel like I was… like I was
worthless
. If you want me, you damn well have to convince me. If you want me, you have to finally, after all this time, start telling me what you are thinking and feeling. No more bullshit, no more hiding, no more long silences. If you want me, you need to make a commitment and work for it.”

I stood up, knowing I was going to start crying if I didn’t get out of there right this instant. Looking down at him, I struggled to maintain my composure as I said, “I love you, Dylan Paris. But sometimes love by itself… it’s just not enough.”

I threw some money on the table and walked away, my back straight, trying to hide the tears starting to leak from my eyes.

That’s not much of a plan (Dylan)

I walked back to my apartment in a fog. I was a damned fool.
 

I’ve never been much of one for waterworks, so there wasn’t much of that. Instead, I just felt dead inside. I’d give a lot to be able to break down and cry, which is what I suspected she was going to go do.

If you want me, you damn well have to convince me.

I didn’t have a clue how to go about doing that. Not a fucking clue. What I knew was what I’d been coming to realize in the last couple weeks, as we were going through her farcical self-defense training. Did she think I didn’t know the university offered self-defense training for free? This was about pulling us together. This was about her keeping an eye on me, about giving us an opportunity to come back together. And maybe I … maybe I relished that safety a little bit. Maybe I took her for granted, and assumed that if I changed my stupid mind, she’d be waiting for me.

I was wrong.
 

Her face when she said it firm, direct, and very clear. The answer was no. She wasn’t having me back. Not unless I made some changes. But I didn’t know what kind of changes she was looking for.
 

When I walked back into my apartment, Sherman was sitting there, packing his bag, preparing to go home. He looked up as I entered, and when I closed the door behind me he said, “Where’s Alex? She didn’t come back with you?”

I shook my head.

“Shit,” he said. “You didn’t ask her? If she’d take you back?”
 

I stood there, then nodded. “I did.”

“Oh. Oh crap,” he said. “She shot you down.”

I nodded, then told him what she’d said. He listened carefully. Then he sat, considering for what seemed like an eternity. I collapsed on the couch.
 

Ron, my elusive roommate from the chemical engineering department, came out of his room then. He nodded to me, walked to the kitchen and grabbed a beer. Then he waved, and disappeared back into his room. That was my fucking life.

“Dude, you fucked up, bad. You know that, right?”

I sighed. That was damned helpful. “Yeah. I know.”

“So… what are you going to do?”

“Convince her,” I replied.

“How?”

“Not a fucking clue.”

He frowned. “That’s not much of a plan. Tell me what she said again.”

I went through it again. Commitment. Telling her how I felt, as if I knew the answer to that.
Convince me.

He frowned, and then said, “Look, dude, I’ve got to get to the airport or I’ll miss my flight. But it seems to me like she gave you the plan already. She told you what you have to do. Now it’s up to you. Listen, I’ll call you next week. Keep me updated on the plans for the trial, all right?”

I nodded. We clasped hands, and then he grabbed me in a bear hug and growled, then headed out the door.

I went back to my room and collapsed on the bed, staring at the picture of her I kept on my nightstand.

Don’t freak out (Alex)

I love flying west. It’s quirky, I know, but the nice thing about it is, you can leave in the morning and actually arrive still in the morning if you’re on a non-stop flight. Going east, across the United States, isn’t nearly as much fun. Going against the sun, a four-hour flight turns into an all-day ordeal: leave in the morning, don’t arrive until late at night.

Actually, I’m lying, just trying to stay positive.

The fact is, I hate flying. Being cooped up in a tin can with two hundred other people at nearly the speed of sound, thousands of feet above the surface of the earth? I get the shakes on takeoff and landing. The only tolerable flight I’ve ever had in my life was the one home from Tel Aviv to New York three years ago. I spent that entire flight in Dylan’s arms, and didn’t notice the fear. He held my hand on takeoff, and I was asleep when we landed.

I was already regretting what I said to him. Even if it was the right thing to say, the right thing to do. I’d gambled, and it was a big one. But I’d also done what I needed to protect myself. I loved Dylan, but I wasn’t going to take him without conditions. I wasn’t going to take him without being able to trust that he’d be there tomorrow.

So this flight I mostly spent crying. God, sometimes I’m pathetic. Is that a definition of strength? Doing what you have to do even when it’s horrible, when it tears your heart out, when it feels like a huge mistake? If so, I guess this counted. I felt strong. I felt self-affirmed, empowered. I felt miserable.

To make things worse, I spent the entire ride going through my album. I was updating it, adding the very few pictures we’d taken in New York. Together. Every picture I saw of us together made me feel like crying just a little more.

The flight attendant stopped by twice to ask if I was okay. The second time, I answered forcefully, “Do I look okay? Please, just leave me alone.”

She did.

Before the flight landed, I went back to the bathroom and carefully washed my face, then re-did my mascara and makeup. One thing I was not going to do was give any indication to my family that I’d been crying on this flight. This fell under the category of things my mother did not need to know.

At the end of the flight, as I was packing away my carry-on bag, the poor guy who’d been sitting next to me during the flight said, “He’s a lucky guy, I guess, to have you love him so much.”

I grinned. “Maybe. If he only knew it.”

“Good luck,” he said.

I guess I depend on the kindness of strangers. Because I’d put the rose in, as well. The rose given to me by the florist around the corner from the dorms, just two weeks ago.

So, bag slung under my shoulder, a fake smile plastered on my face, I walked through the security gates and greeted my family.

My dad wasn’t at the airport, of course. He’d be sitting at home, waiting to greet me in some formal way when I arrived in his domain. But my mom was, and the twins, Jessica and Sarah. Expecting the same sort of giant, chaotic family bear hug I’d been greeted with when I got home for the summer, I was a little surprised (and disappointed) when my mother hugged me first, then each sister separately. They’d arrayed themselves on either side of my mother, Jessica dressed in a white dress, Sarah in black jeans and a grey T-shirt.
 

“Welcome home, darling,” my mother said.
 

“Hey,” Jessica said.

Sarah didn’t say a word.

My mother leaned close and whispered, “The twins aren’t speaking with each other at the moment. Sorry about that, it’s made things terribly awkward.”

She wasn’t kidding. I had to sit in the middle seat of the minivan with Jessica, because Sarah and Jessica, both sixteen, refused to sit in the middle row together, and the back row had been taken out, the space filled with boxes of God only knew what. Sarah sat up front, staring out the window, refusing to acknowledge anyone.

Jessica looked at Sarah, then crossed her arms, pouted, and stared out the window.

Oh, boy.
This was going to be a fun vacation.

“So, uh, Mom, what have you been up to?”

“Oh, not much. Mostly worrying about you girls, and waiting hand and foot on your father while he writes his memoirs.”

“He’s still working on them?”

She met my eyes in the rearview mirror for just a second, then said, “Yes, he’s still working on them.” She didn’t sigh, or roll her eyes or anything else, but it seemed like she wanted to. “How is school? We hardly ever hear from you, Alexandra.”

I shrugged. “I’ve been really busy; lots of commitments this year. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch more. I’ll try to do better.”

“Your father and I would appreciate that.”

Jessica blurted out, “Carrie’s home. And she has a new boyfriend.”

Sarah turned around in her seat and glared at Jessica, then muttered, “
God!”
and turned back around.
 

I raised my eyebrows. “Carrie has a boyfriend?”

My mother interjected, “It seems so. But she’s being very mysterious about it. She’s been home two days, and she’s constantly texting, or giggling on the phone, or locked in her room talking on her computer. It’s really undignified for a woman her age.”

I grinned, suddenly happy for the first time in days. “That’s great, Mom!”

“Well, of course you would think so,” she said, putting me neatly in my place.
 

I guess I wasn’t in the mood, though, because I replied instantly, “What’s that supposed to mean, Mom?”

She sniffed. “You know we’ve not always approved of your choice of boyfriends.”

I shook my head, keeping a smile plastered on my face, and looked out the window. “Yes, Mom. I know that.”

“Well, let’s not get into all of that, it’s all over now anyway.”

I took a deep breath. If she only knew.

For the first time since I’d seen her, Sarah spoke. “What happened to Dylan, anyway? I thought he was cute.”

“Sarah!” my mom said, in an injured voice.

“Well, it’s true, he was cute. Didn’t he join the Army or something?”

I replied, my voice calm, trying desperately to not reveal anything. “Yes. He was badly wounded in Afghanistan.”

“Oh dear,” my mother said, her voice low.