Just Remember to Breathe (27 page)

I nodded an apology. Carrie was 26 years old, a PhD candidate at a major university, with a significant amount of published research already under her own name. I was certain that she was never referred to as a “
girl
” except here at this table.

Somehow it didn’t sting much to be included under the same umbrella as Carrie.

“Adelina, I heard the most disturbing news this morning. The Brewer’s son Randall has been arrested.”

I froze in place, and underneath the table, Carrie gripped my thigh. Across from Carrie, Jessica’s eyes widened.
 

“Good lord!” my mom said. “What happened?”

“It seems he’s been accused of rape. I’m sure it’s not true… it’s probably one of those situations where they had too much to drink, and she regretted it after.”

I froze, unable to think, unable to breath.

“It’s terrible,” my father said. “After dinner, I think it would be appropriate for us all to go visit the Brewers. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen them, and it would be good to pay our respects, and offer what help we can.”

“No.” The word escaped from my mouth.

Carrie gripped my thigh tighter, and Jessica’s mouth dropped open. Julia and Crank stared at me, and my father did a double take. It was my mother, however, who responded.

“Alexandra, I realize that despite our efforts, you never liked Randy. But you will behave courteously at this table. And you will go with us, as your father has suggested. He’s a nice young man. I’m sure this accusation is nothing more than scurrilous.”

I leaned forward in my seat, my stomach cramping, and found myself grinding my teeth, trying to hold back a rage I’d never before experienced. I could feel it sweeping down my body, and for a second I wanted to smash something, anything.

“Your mother is right,” my Dad said. “If it were up to me, you would have abandoned your puppy love for that soldier years ago, and married Randy.”

I was paralyzed. I couldn’t say anything, because if I started, I was never going to be able to stop. I reached out, tried to pick up my wine glass, and ended up spilling it instead. Now everyone in my family was staring in shock at my strange behavior, or, in the case of Jessica and Carrie, just plain horror.

My mother jumped to her feet, running to grab several napkins, which we used to sop up the spilled wine. As we finished, my father said, “I trust this conversation is over.”

I shook my head.

“Excuse me?”

I looked at him, no longer able to hold it all back. A tear streamed down my face.
 

“I don’t go anywhere near his parents. Or his house. Don’t even say his name to me. Do you understand me?” The bitterness and rage in my tone surprised even me.

“I don’t understand,” my mother interjected. “Whatever has gotten into you, Alexandra? Randy Brewer is a perfectly nice young man—“

“Oh, for Christ’s sake!” Carrie cried out. “Can’t you see what you’re doing to her? When did you two become so clueless?”

“Well, I don’t…” my mother started to say, then trailed off.

My father’s tone was ice. “How dare you speak to us in that manner, young lady?”

Carrie turned on him, rage in her eyes. “How dare you continue hurting your own daughter like that?” she shouted. “Can’t you see it? Even if you don’t know the details, can’t you see the pain you’re causing her? For God’s sake, that
poor nice young man
you’re talking about sexually assaulted your daughter twice!”

Oh, God. Carrie, why did you blurt that out at the dinner table?
I stared in horror, meeting first Julia’s eyes, then, for just a second, my father’s. Then I buried my face in my hands.

“I’m sorry, Alex, I know I told you I wouldn’t tell them anything. But if you won’t, I will. I won’t have them torturing you.”

My mother, in shock, said, “Carrie, we would never hurt her….”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, mother! Until you find out, can you kindly
shut up!”

Utter silence descended on the dinner table.
 

Carrie turned to me, and in a faint, gentle voice said, “Alex, I know you’re afraid. But we’re your family. Let me tell them.”

I buried my face in my hands and began sobbing. Sarah moved over and put her arms around me, burying her face and hair in my shoulder, and Carrie put her hand on the other shoulder and said, in a very quiet voice, “Randy tried to rape her in his room last spring. But his roommates intervened. She didn’t file a complaint, or tell anyone. But a couple weeks ago, it happened again. He assaulted her at a party. Dylan Paris pulled Randy off her, and they fought, and… Dylan beat up Randy. He ended up being charged with assault. But you need to hear me, father. I know you don’t like Dylan. I know you never have. But he saved your daughter. So you better swallow your dislike. You better just keep it to yourself. Because when the police charged Dylan with assault, they just let Randy Brewer go. And so he went, and followed a girl home, and raped
her.
”

I started crying harder.
 

“I didn’t know,” my father said.

I clenched my fists and looked up at him, rage rushing through me. “
You didn’t know?
You knew Dylan was injured last spring! You knew the reason he didn’t write me was because he couldn’t, because he was so badly hurt! You knew! And you didn’t tell me!”

My mother gasped. “Alexandra, you don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do! Dad wrote him. He told Dylan to stay away from me, that he wasn’t good enough for me.” I turned on my father. “When the man I loved was in the hospital near death, about to lose his leg, you kicked him while he was down! And you lied to me about it! Don’t talk to me about what you knew or didn’t know, Dad. Don’t
ever
talk about what you knew.”

Dad’s face had gone completely pale. Julia looked at him, disgusted, and said, “Is this true?”

Dad closed his eyes, then nodded once. After a long time, he muttered, “Perhaps I was wrong.”

Carrie took my hand, and said, “You can be sorry all you want, Dad. But right now, this family has a problem. Because Dylan and Alex love each other. And you’ve got a choice, Dad. You can keep up your pretense, keep trying to script all of our lives right down to who we love. Or you can get behind your family and support them. Alex, let’s go upstairs. You don’t need this right now.”

She pulled me up and I followed her, still in shock.

“Stop,” my father said. Carrie’s back went straight, and I turned, facing him.
 

He looked different. Smaller somehow. Less sure of himself. I took a deep breath, ready to shout a denial in his face, when he said, “It’s true? Dylan… he… intervened and stopped Randy from assaulting you?”

I nodded, slowly.
 

He returned my nod, then said, “Well. It seems I’ve misjudged your young man. And… Alexandra… I’m sorry. I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness. Not now. But… I will ask you to allow me a chance. To make up for it.”

My lower lip started trembling uncontrollably, and he blurred in my vision. I looked at my dad, and nodded. That was all he needed to hear. He came around the table and took me in his arms. Then I felt my sisters surround me, even Jessica and Sarah, as they all put their arms around me in a huge hug. I felt the muscles in my body go limp as my family held me up, enfolding me, somehow making the pain smaller, more manageable.

What seemed like a long time passed before we broke up, then resumed our seats at the table. My mother had tears in her eyes, as I did.

Crank smiled at me, then playfully said, “That’s what I love about family dinners. There’s never a dull moment.”

That’s when the doorbell rang.

My mother muttered, “Dear God, who can that be? Dinner will be ice cold before anyone gets more than a bite.”

“I’ll get it,” Sarah said, just as Jessica stood up. They looked at each other, the first look I’d seen between them in two days that wasn’t a glare. Then, wordlessly, they both left the dining room.

Two minutes later, I heard Sarah call from the front door. “Alexandra! You need to come to the door!”

On index cards? (Dylan)

“This is it,” I told the cab driver.
 

The meter said forty-five dollars.
Christ on a crutch.
I passed the driver the money, then opened the door and slid out. I only had a small backpack on me. Leaving New York, I figured a change or two of clothes would be more than enough. This might be a very short trip, after all. And even if it wasn’t, I could always figure out something for clothes. Waiting for an hour to get luggage when I could be here instead? That was something else entirely.

I stared at the house in front of me. Jesus, how it had intimidated me when I visited her two years ago. Working-class me, growing up in crappy apartments with drunk parents. How did I dare to chase after the rich daughter of an ambassador with a five-story house in the heart of the most expensive city in America? I was nuts.
 

Not nuts enough, not then. I’d let her life, her father, my past, all of it, intimidate me.

I took a deep breath, then stepped forward and firmly rang the doorbell.

Jesus, I hoped Sherman had pulled it off and kept Alex here. It would not go well for me if her father answered while she was out at the movies or something.

I heard the pounding of footsteps, and then the door opened suddenly, and I was faced with two open-mouthed sixteen-year-olds.

“Hey,” I said uncomfortably. “You must be Sarah and Jessica… I don’t know if you remember me, I’m Dylan.”

The darker one, who wore a tight black dress that would make a nun blush, put her hands over her face in shock. The other one, in a white dress, said, “I remember you. And yes, I’m Jessica.”

Her twin, Sarah, turned around and shouted up the stairs. “Alex! You need to come to the door!”

I grinned. “Awesome. Um… I don’t know if I’ll see you again, because I don’t know if Alex is going to tell me to go to hell. If she does… well, it was great to see you.”

Jessica leaned forward and whispered, “Are you here to try to get her back?”

I nodded, and she said, still quietly, “She still loves you.”

I closed my eyes and said, “Thank you.”

Then I saw her, slowly descending the steps. I felt tension grab me by the throat. She was wearing a white sleeveless dress embroidered with roses. Around her neck was a heart pendant necklace that I’d given her two years before. That was possibly a hopeful sign. Her mouth was slightly open as she approached the door. I could see she was cautious. She was afraid of me. Afraid I’d hurt her again.

I took a deep breath, drinking in the sight of her, then said, “I um… I was hoping we could talk, so I thought I’d drop by.”

Her mouth quirked up in a half smile on the right side. “You thought you’d drop by? From four thousand miles away?”

“Distance wasn’t really a factor in my mind.”

She looked at me, and whispered, “I can’t do this if you’re going to hurt me again, Dylan.”

Oh, God.
I swallowed, then said, “Will you just… hear me out? Please? If I’m wrong, and you tell me to go away, then I’ll go, and you’ll never have to hear from me again if you don’t want to. But I’m begging you, Alex. Give me a chance. Just hear me out.”

“Okay,” she said in a small voice. She looked at her twins and said, “Can you tell Mom and Dad to continue dinner without me? And not to come down here under any circumstances?”

The twins nodded simultaneously, and Alex stepped outside, with me, and shut the door behind her. She took a seat on the front stoop, carefully sweeping her dress under her.

“Sit down,” she said, indicating the space next to her on the stoop. I nodded. My heart was thumping. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt like this, unless it was the night I first asked her out an eternity ago. Christ, I was terrified. What if she said no? What if she told me to go to hell, to get out of her life? Or worse, what if she said yes, and then we ended up hating each other later?

Damn it,
I thought.
Stop that. Just do it. Go for it. For once in your life, step the hell out of yourself and say what you mean.

“Okay,” I said. “Look, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of writing. About what you said. About… me, and who I am. About you. About us.”

She nodded.

“I’m not very good at this, Alex. But… it’s something I have to do, okay. I’ve got some things to say, and I’m asking you to hear me out, without interruption, all the way through.”

“Without interruption?”

I nodded. “I don’t want to lose my train of thought, all right? Please? When I get to the end, you can ask me questions, or tell me go take a hike, or whatever, all right?”

She gave me a sardonic smile, and said, “Okay. You set the rules. No interruptions.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I took a deep breath, then felt in my pocket, filled with index cards. I took them out.

“Wait,” she said, grinning, her eyes bright. “You wrote this down? On index cards?”

“I don’t want to forget anything,” I said. “I told you, I’m not very good at this. So I wrote some notes to keep me focused, okay?”

“Wow,” she said. She had a half smile on her face.

“You’re interrupting.”

“You haven’t started yet.”

I rolled my eyes up at the dark sky and muttered, “Oh, boy. All right.” I glanced at the first card. It said,
Jaffa.

“Do you remember the night we were in Jaffa? In the Old City?”

She nodded.
 

“Okay,” I said. “That’s the night I realized that I really wanted to get to know you. I saw you before that, at Hunter College before we flew to Tel Aviv. But you were so far out of my league, I didn’t even know where to start. And the flight over was awesome, and well, I mean, we flirted. And that was awesome. I was very attracted to you. But when we were walking back to the Youth Hostel, and I saw that really old house. It looked like it might have been a thousand years old.”

“Abandoned,” she said. “I remember.”

“Yeah. The thing was, I wanted to explore. And you came with me. The others were all worried. We might be trespassing or something. I don’t remember what they were worried about, to tell the truth. But that was when I realized how brave you were. And… wow, I admire courage. I think that night was when I started to fall for you.”