KARTER (13 page)

JAK.
“Jak, you’s one lyin’ ass motherfucker. ‘Scuse the language Miss Karter. Jak told me you was pretty. What he went on and failed to tell me was that you defined the word. Lord have mercy woman, you make everything around you ugly as a motherfucker,” Oscar said as he walked across the shop floor.

Oscar was simply Oscar. He had his way of speaking, thinking, and of telling his stories. After repeated requests to meet Karter, I finally decided to bring her to the school and introduce her to him. School had started and was in session, so I hadn’t been coming to the track to run any longer. My trips to see Oscar, however, never ceased.

Karter cocked her hip to the side as if offended, “What do you mean?”

Oscar stopped directly in front of her an extended his hand. Karter reluctantly reached for his. As they shook hands, Oscar explained.

“Well, look around you, Miss Karter. You see Jak’s ugly ass and me. Some old black man. I got my golf cart, and a bunch a broken ass shit in here. We gots a few trees out the door over there, and some grass. That’s about all we got. A little blue sky if you take the time to look up. But when
you
walk into a room,” he paused and released her hand.

“Whoooooeeeeeee. Things change. You’s so God damned beautiful, you make everything else what seemed kinda pretty before you arrived look about as ugly as a mud fence in your presence. I don’t rightly know how else to tell ya. But you uhhm. You, how you say it, Jak?” he paused and raised his hand to his chin.

“You redefine the word, Miss Karter. That’s the one I was lookin’ for.
Redefine.
You redefine beautiful,” he nodded.

Karter smiled and shook her head. As if she finally understood what Oscar had said wasn’t an insult, she sighed and her shoulders slumped slightly, “You’re not ugly, and neither is Jak. Pleasure to meet you, Oscar.”

“We’s a damned site uglier with you around. Hold on I gots to get me somethin’ from my bench,” he said as he turned toward the workbench.

After a moment of digging, Oscar turned around. He was wearing welding goggles. The goggles he wore looked like World War II era fighter pilot goggles with black hinged outer lenses. The outer lenses were flipped in the upward position, exposing the inner clear lenses. After walking to his former position in front of Karter, he flipped down the black lenses and looked downward. Having welded in the Navy, I knew Oscar could not see a damned thing with the welding goggles on. Without the bright flash of a welding arc, the lenses would be like attempting to look through a piece of glass which had been painted black. I thought I knew what he was going to say, but I kept my mouth shut. Karter seemed amused if nothing else. 

“Sorry, Miss Karter. I had to go an’ get my goggles on so I could look at the ring. Damned thing almost made me blind. She’s a dandy, Miss Karter,” as he finished speaking, he whistled.

Oscar looked upward and flipped the outer lenses up as he did. Now standing in front of Karter with the goggles still on, he smiled. His bleach white teeth were in clear contrast to everything about him. He was one of a kind for sure. Karter looked around the shop as Oscar turned toward me and winked.

“So what do you do in here all day?” Karter asked.

“Hide from the man and try an’ look busy,” he grinned.

Karter nodded her head, “Who’s
the man
?”

“Well I suppose he’s different for all of us. For me, he’s the school superintendent. Least while I’m here. Sometimes the man is the police. Or the gov’ment. Could be the president, I suppose. But right now, he’s the superintendent,” he responded.

With Karter and Oscar standing in the center of the small shop, I slowly walked to the golf cart and sat down to watch the show. It appeared Karter was becoming comfortable with Oscar and enjoyed listening to him. He was an easy man to like, and fairly entertaining to listen to.

Karter nodded her head, “Whoever’s in charge.”

Oscar shook his head, “No ma’am. I don’t mind a man in charge. Hell, we all can’t be the boss man. We’d have us a fucked up world with a bunch of Chiefs and no Indians. No ma’am. But if a man’s in charge, and he’s always tryin’ to keep the people around him down, and never smiles at ‘em or never tells ‘em they’s doin’ good; if he tries to beat ‘em down mentally or ‘motionally then he’s
the man
.”

Karter pushed her hands into the rear pockets of her jeans shorts, swiveled her hips, and smiled, “People with mustaches.”

Oscar reached up and removed his goggles. As they dangled from his hand, he scrunched his brow, “You got me there, Miss Karter. What you mean by that?”

“People with mustaches are
the man.
The Unabomber. Stalin. Saddam Hussein. Hitler. And most cops,” she giggled.

Oscar erupted with laughter and turned to face me, “Jak this girl’s on fire. Damn, I like you, Miss Karter.
People with mustaches.
Yes ma’am, they’s the man fo’ sho’.”

Oscar slapped his knee, “Mustaches. That crazy ass white boy what was eatin’ them gays. You remember, Jak? He was cuttin’ ‘em up and keepin ‘em in the freezer. He had a mustache. Was uhhm…”

“Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer. He had a mustache. And so did that Mo…” he turned to face me and grinned.

“Ol’ Gaddafi. From Libya. He had him one too. Miss Karter, you’s right as rain. Men with mustaches is
the man
,” he laughed.

As if satisfied she made a friend, Karter rocked back and forth on her feet with her hands still resting in her rear pockets. Seeing her stand in this fashion made me recall the day we talked about sex for the first time. No differently than the rest of us, she had her tell-tale signs. This was certainly one of them. She did it when she wanted to make herself comfortable with something she initially found not so comfortable. Whatever the reason, she was adorable when she did it. 

“So when’s the date? When you gettin’ hitched?” Oscar asked.

Karter shrugged and smiled, “Sometime in June.”

“Be here before you know it, that’s fo’ sho’. Weddin’s and
anniversaries
. They’s always creepin’ up on us. Well, Jak’s a good man, Miss Karter. Sho’ ‘nuff is. I don’t like me too many white folk, an’ I like him just fine,” he chuckled.

“He’s pretty fly for a white guy,” Karter laughed.

We stayed and talked in the shop for over an hour. Karter and Oscar laughed and told stories together as I sat on the golf cart and listened. Seeing her interact with Oscar was a pleasure in itself. I found satisfaction in thinking of us returning on a regular basis. Developing routines was important for me, and having one as enjoyable as visiting with Oscar would be a welcome addition to our routine.

“Oscar, I’ll need to see you in my office as soon as you’re done visiting,” a voice said from outside the shop door.

“Yes sir, Mr. James, sir. Be in to see you in just a few minutes,” Oscar responded.

I stood from the golf cart feeling guilty for occupying so much of Oscar’s time. As I walked around the front of the cart, Karter broke out in a deep laughter. Oscar raised his hand in Jonny Cash fashion and flipped the bird at the open door.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

After a moment of attempting to catch her breath, Karter turned to me and smiled, “He had a mustache.”

Oscar furrowed his brow and turned to Karter, “I never noticed. He does, don’t he?”

Karter nodded as she caught her breath from laughing, “Uh huh.”

“I gots to get to work now. You like hugs, Miss Karter?” Oscar asked.

“Only if you leave my feet on the ground,” Karter replied.

“Well give this old black man a hug,” Oscar said as he opened his arms.

As Oscar hugged Karter, he closed his eyes. Her feet firm on the floor, Karter turned to me and winked. As Oscar released her, she walked up to me and spread her arms apart. I hugged her in my arms, arched my back, and raised her feet from the floor. Still holding her in my arms, I stumbled toward the doorway.

“Thanks, Oscar. I’ll be seeing you,” I said as I carried Karter through the doorway.

“Not if I see you first,” he laughed.

JAK.
I tossed the lid to the chest up and looked inside. Several bundles of letters were stacked inside. With my old photo album sitting beside the chest, I knelt down and sorted through the bundles. Looking at the faded post marks on the envelopes, I sorted them on the floor beside me by date. After Fifteen minutes or so, I had all of the bundles in chronological order. A few loose letters and other miscellaneous keepsakes littered the bottom of the almost empty chest.

I picked up the first bundle and untied the stack of envelopes. After flipping through a few, I found one from Shelley. I flicked my knife open and cut the twenty year old envelope and removed the letter. Surprisingly, although the pencil handwriting was a little faded, the paper wasn’t brittle at all. After unfolding it, I took a deep breath and began to read.

Jak,

I feel terrible and would like to talk. The last few days before you left were difficult for me. I have so much to say. I really need to talk to you about some things. I hope your training goes well, and you make it to the end. I know it will be tough and if anyone can do it, you can.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Shell

I folded the letter and placed it back into the envelope. I picked up the pile and turned the corners of the envelopes up, looking at the return addresses as I did so. After finding another from Shelley, I opened it and removed the letter.

Jak,

I still haven’t heard back from you, but I have no idea how long the letters take to reach you. The weather is shitty here, and it snowed a lot last week. We’re all kind of stuck here, and waiting for it to melt. It reminds me of the time we went sledding down at the river when we were kids.

I miss everyone being together.

We really need to talk. Write when you can. I asked, and I can’t send food, or I would. Hope you’re eating well. Keep your chin up.

Shell

I folded the letter and placed it back into the envelope. There were certainly no earth shattering revelations as I had hoped. I looked at the various piles of letters, and considered when Karter would have been born. I picked up a pile of letters dated approximately six months after I had shipped out and untied the bundle. After a few letters, I found one from Shelley. I cut it open and removed the letter.

Jak,

I can’t believe you still haven’t written. If you’re mad because I won’t tell you who the father is, I guess you have the right to be. I would have thought in some sense the fact it wasn’t you would allow you a little relief. If you would have written or if you’ll still write, maybe we can talk about it. Maybe one day I will tell you.

I’m doing fine, I guess. I’m really big and everyone is confused.

Same old shit, I suppose.

Hope you’re well.

Shell

I folded the letter and dropped it into the envelope. Satisfied I’d never get to anything meaningful, and having read her acknowledgement of me
not
being the father was enough. Although I wanted answers, I began to realize they would not be provided. I had held onto the memories of my childhood for a lifetime, and the time had clearly arrived for me to let go and move on with my life. Things were beginning to be so much different in my life now. After seeing Shelley, finding out who Karter’s father was and slowly coming to terms with it all, I felt relieved and considerably less responsible for everything. In time, I was sure I’d probably just forget it all and move on a much better man.

I looked at the pile and considered what to do with it all. By no means did I want Karter to ever find it. In many respects, I wished none of it even existed. As I sat and stared at the piles of old mail, I decided it would never be of any future use. I looked into the chest. As I began to rummage through the remaining contents, one lone letter caught my eye.

My heart raced. I picked it up and stared at the return address.

Graham Lauder 329 N 9
th
, Potwin, KS 67123

I blinked my eyes and stared at the faded postmark date.

18 JAN 1993

Believing I must be misreading the date, I stood from the floor and walked to the lamp in the corner of the room. I blew on the surface of the envelope and wiped the date with the bottom of my tee shirt. I stared at the envelope. It was as if it was shipped from a ghost.

18 JAN 1993

Graham was killed on the 14
th
of January. I shipped out on the night of the 21
st
. I considered the date he was killed and tried to recall the day of the week. It was an extremely warm day in mid-January, and we decided to go for another ride because of the fabulous weather. The forecast had called for three sixty-five degree days back to back. We had worked eagerly to bring his bike to a condition where he could ride it, and waited anxiously to for the nice weather. The day he died was a Wednesday. No, it was a Thursday. Thursday the 14
th
.

The letter postmarked the 18
th
clearly meant one thing and one thing only. Graham had mailed it to me before he died. If he would have mailed it from Potwin on the morning he died, the postmark would probably be correct. Mail was taken from Potwin to Wichita for a postmark, and then distributed from Wichita to the respective destination. The cycle, considering the weekend, could have been a week. My mother had probably simply dropped it into the chest and left it with the other mail I had sent home.

Reluctantly, I walked to the chest and picked my knife up from the floor. As I cut the envelope open and removed the letter, I sighed. After slowly unfolding it, I began to read.

Jak,

I don’t know how to say it other than saying it, so here goes.

I’m probably dead or in a coma. I told myself if I lived through this one I’d make it to your mailbox and get the letter out like I did last time. If you’re reading this, it ain’t gonna be good.

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I blinked my watering eyes and continued.

When we go riding, I won’t be wearing my helmet this time. I won’t be going to basic training with you either. I got Shelley pregnant back in October last year, and she wants to get married. It’s tough to tell you she’s a bad person, because I’m just as bad. But she’s no good, Jak. She’s been fucking around on you for most of the time you two have been together. I been trying to think of a way to tell you, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I guess really I don’t know if I’m the father, but I can’t wait and see. I can’t go to the Navy with you and wait to see what happens, it’s a huge mess, Jak.

My tears fell onto the letter as I read. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and lowered the letter. My entire life I took responsibility for what had happened to Graham. The feelings were so deeply placed in my soul, my mind eventually had to block them out to allow me to continue to live a healthy life.

But I lived feeling responsible for what happened. I always wondered if we hadn’t been drinking if things may have gone differently. It wouldn’t have mattered. Graham was on his second suicide mission. I looked down at the letter. Slowly, I raised it to chest height and began to read again.

I can’t live my life with an all day every day reminder of what a bad friend I was, and I ain’t looking to raise a kid with a whore (sorry, but it’s true). So I guess I’m going to go out with a bang. I’m sorry for what I did, and I’m sorry for what I’m going to do. I hope you understand.

I just hurt really bad inside.

I left mom and pop a letter telling them bye. I ain’t telling them about Shelley, and I hope you don’t either. After the kid’s born if he looks like me I’ll guess we’ll know.

I love ya, Jak. And I’m really sorry.

Graham

I reread the entire letter. After folding it and placing it into the envelope, I gathered all of the mail and dropped it into the wooden box. I tossed the photo album on top and closed the lid to the chest. I pushed my knife into my pocket and clipped it in place. After a precursory look around the room, I carried the heavy chest to the top of the steps.

The drive to Potwin seemed to take mere minutes. As close as I could recall, I was exactly where Graham had wrecked his bike. In lieu of going to his grave site, I opted to drive to the crash site. For me, it seemed more reasonable and personal. After all, this was where Graham took his last breath. In my mind, this was where he would always remain. I pulled my truck partially into the ditch and parked.

I walked back to the bed of the truck and opened the chest. After lifting out the photo album, I carried it back to the cab of the truck. I opened the album and removed Graham’s picture from the translucent film which covered it. His appearance in the photo was exactly as I remembered him. I smiled and placed the photo on the dash. After resting the album on my lap, I turned the picture over and began to write on the back of it. This was important; I needed to let this go and move on with my life.

Graham,

I forgive you for what you did. I still and I will always consider you a friend. I’m going to spend a lifetime taking care of your daughter, but not because she’s your daughter. She’ll forever be in my life only because I love her and I can’t imagine living a life without her.

To think somehow I happened onto her and we fell in love - and all of this isn’t tied together somehow would require me to be a very shallow man. We both know that is not the case. God put Karter in my life for me to love and cherish, and I intend to do so with great vigor. This will be the last time you and I will ever talk, so I’ll leave you with these words:

The events in life we can’t accept are always the toughest.

And the toughest events in life are always the ones we can’t accept.

I think when we can find a way to heal from pieces of the very things which have torn us apart, we truly emerge a better person.

So, I’m going to buy a bike. And I’m going to ride that son-of-a-bitch until the day I die.

Your friend always,

Jak

I turned the photo over and placed it into the album. After a short pause, I opened the door to the truck and walked around to the rear bumper. I looked in the bed of the truck at the can of gasoline and grinned. Moving forward would be a blessing for us all. I tossed the album into the chest, lifted it from the bed, and carried it to the base of the old tree.

As I sat on the bed of the truck and watched my memories burn, I realized there was not one person in charge of my destiny but me. The only thing which separated me from a life of greatness was me. I was a great Navy SEAL. I’ve always considered myself a great son. Now, it was time for me to become a great lover and a great husband.

One more stop, and my past would truly be behind me.

After a short ten minute drive, I arrived at Shelley’s house. This time I pulled my truck into the driveway. After a deep breath, I walked to the porch and rang the doorbell. After no immediate answer, I knocked on the door and stepped to the side. As it opened, Shelley smiled.

“Come on in, Jak,” she said softly as she waved her hand into the living room.

“No, I just have a few things to say, and I’ll be gone,” I responded.

“Why’d you do it, Shelley? Why’d you tell me Karter was mine when you knew she wasn’t?” I asked.

“How do you know she’s not?”

“I had a DNA test done,” I responded.

Although part of me wanted to, I felt no good would come from her knowing Graham committed suicide. As far I knew, she received a letter no differently than I did. It could be entirely possible it was why she’d lived a miserable existence for the last twenty years. Additionally, I felt no need to tell her I knew who the father was; only that I knew for certain who the father was not.

“Oh really? Well…” she paused and looked down at my feet.

I nodded and waited in hope of her explaining herself.

She looked up and narrowed her eyes, “Pete said he saw you guys in town, I saw him the morning you came over, actually. I saw him at the gas station and he said he’d seen the both of you in Wichita at a fancy restaurant. He said it looked like you were together. Like
together
, Jak. It hurt me. And I wanted you to hurt. I was going to tell you when you were here, and then you asked. It just seemed right lying to you about it. Are you fucking her, Jak?”

I stood and stared. After a long moment of studying her hateful eyes, I shook my head and turned toward my truck. As I walked to the truck, she began to scream.

“I hate that little miserable bitch, Jak. I always have. She’s got a heart of stone and so do you. I wish they would have committed her the last time I turned her filthy little ass in to the court for being crazy. I hate you both and I hope you rot in hell,” she yelled.

As I got into the truck, I continued to hear her scream.

“I hate you, Jak Kennedy…”

“Go to hell!”

Hell? I’ve lived there for twenty-one years.

I’m upgrading to heaven, bitch.

Starting now.