“Well, that’s my second source of queasiness this fine Monday.” I sigh. “I hadn’t even heard from him since the wedding a few weeks ago, until this morning. He emailed me about two hours ago and wants to get together tomorrow and talk,” I tell her.
“Uh oh.”
“Yeah. So I agreed to meet him at Starbucks after work.”
“And?” She stares at me.
“And what?”
“And what are you thinking? Are you prepared to let go of everything you have with Marc for this new guy? You’ve been praying that Marc would come to his senses, Kat, and maybe he has. Do you really want to start over with someone new before you give your relationship with Marc another chance?”
I unnecessarily check my phone in hopes of evading the bevy of disparaging questions she just coughed up. A moment of silence passes as I resist the urge to answer her with a defensive dissertation. “Well, I don’t even know what he has to say.” I shrug my shoulders, hoping to leave it at that.
“I’m sure he’s going to want to get back together. Why else would he want to see you in person? Especially after you squashed his booty call the night of the wedding,” she says.
I reach for my wallet, and try to think of any other visual cue that might end this meal. “Who knows what he wants. His email said he’s been thinking about me a lot, and I think he feels badly about the way we left things between us after the wedding, but who knows with him.”
“You’re the one that should feel badly.”
My body tenses. “Why should I feel bad?” I snap as my tolerance for her advice hits a new low.
“Because he put himself in a vulnerable position and you made him feel like a fool.”
I place my purse in my lap, and rest my hands on it. “Megan, I know you’re trying to help,” I say with a dollop of sarcasm, “but what was I supposed to do? He came over in the middle of the night and caught me in a vulnerable position of my own. He clearly is not mortified by what happened that evening, so please stop trying to make me feel like shit about it.”
She pauses to sip her drink. “Well, you’re right about one thing, I’m just trying to help,” she says flatly, taking offense to my defense. “Kat, you and Marc have a long history and possibly even a long future. I just don’t want to see you throw it away for someone you just met. I have seen Marc grow over the years, and all I’m saying is that maybe the time apart from you has made him finally appreciate what he had.”
“Well, maybe it’s too late. Maybe I shouldn’t have had to end our relationship in order for him to realize that. This has been hard on me too, but for the first time I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, and step out of my comfort zone,” I say and look to her for validation. “And you know what? There’s something special about Ryan that I’m not willing to give up on, just because Marc decides he wants what he can’t have.”
Megan reaches over the table and conveys her support with a squeeze of my hand. “You better call me the
second
you walk out of Starbucks,” she demands.
“Get in line.” I sigh.
The next morning, Ryan asks me if I want to grab dinner after work since he’s leaving for Vegas tomorrow, but I have to turn him down because I’m meeting Marc for coffee. Not only did I have to say no to Ryan, but I had to lie to him too. I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about Marc with him. At first, I didn’t want my ex-boyfriend to seem like baggage, and now I don’t want that baggage to seem like some sort of threat. I always thought that if Ryan ever did ask me about my past relationships, I would be honest about everything—but so far he hasn’t asked.
At the end of the day I go looking for Adam and find him sitting in Dave’s office. I poke my head in and greet both of them.
“Hello, short one,” Adam says.
“Am I interrupting?” I ask Dave.
“Never, come on in,” he says and gestures to the empty seat next to Adam.
Adam puts his feet up on my lap as soon as I sit down. “Why don’t you tell Uncle Dave about all your love troubles, Kitty?” Adam says.
I shoot Adam a dirty look. I’m never quite as at ease around Dave as Adam is, yet he never seems to take that into consideration.
“Oh, please, like he doesn’t already know every uninteresting detail,” Adam announces.
I turn to Dave and my cheeks go flush from embarrassment. Dave is always very professional, but he does his best to make me feel comfortable during most of Adam’s tirades.
Dave smiles at me, his hands folded in his lap. “So, you and Ryan?” He feels obligated to comment.
“I hope we aren’t sending H.R. into a panic,” I say attempting to laugh it off.
“Not as far as I know,” he says. “He’s a good guy, Ryan. I’ve known him for many years.”
“You have?” Adam and I both say in unison.
Dave lets out a small snicker. “Yes, I have.”
“Spill it,” Adam says to him.
“There’s not much to spill. He used to work at an agency that I did freelance work for a few years ago, and I always thought he was a great writer and a real stand-up guy. I’m actually a bit surprised by all this because I remember him as being kind of shy and keeping to himself mostly. I will say he’s always grabbed the ladies’ attention, so to speak,” Dave said with a nod.
A pang of jealousy rings in my head.
“How the hell old is this guy?” Adam questions Dave.
“Early thirties, I guess,” Dave answers. “He was just starting out when I met him.”
Adam looks astonished for no real reason. “Well, who knew?”
“Way to hold out, Dave,” I say.
“Sorry, I didn’t think it was my place,” he says.
Adam removes his feet from my lap and reaches for his cell phone. “Well, Kat’s off to meet with her ex-boyfriend right now anyway,” he announces.
“Oh?” Dave questions me, feigning interest.
“It’s nothing all that interesting.” I stand and excuse myself. “You and Ryan have a great trip to Vegas tomorrow.”
Dave gives me a consoling glance. “You want me to keep an eye on him for you?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Whatever you think is right, Dave.”
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Kat. If he’s expressed any interest in you, I’m sure it’s genuine.”
I nod my head. “Thanks, Dave.”
Adam smiles proudly at his man, and I marvel at their rapport.
By the time I reach Starbucks it’s twenty minutes past six o’clock, and I figure Marc will be about ready to kill me. He hates when I’m late. Over the years it’s been one of his biggest points of contention with me. I rush through the front doors of Starbucks, spot him immediately and greet him with a weary, apologetic look that he’s seen a thousand times. Usually he shakes his head in disapproval and gives me the silent treatment for a good five minutes, but this time he stands up when he sees me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey there,” he says.
“Sorry,” I apologize. “I couldn’t decide whether to take the bus or not and then once I decided not to, I couldn’t get a cab.”
“Where’s your car?” he asks.
“I loaned it to Adam. He needed to run some errands.”
“Can I get you anything?” he offers before sitting back down.
I decline with a shake of my head.
I join him at the table and we both adjust our posture in our chairs for a few seconds before he continues.
“So how was your first date?” Marc can’t resist asking.
I glance down at the table. “It was fine.”
“Good, good, that’s good,” he says watching me intently. “Well, I didn’t come here to talk about that,” he says and clears his throat. “Like I mentioned, I’ve been thinking a lot during our time apart and I know it’s been hard on both of us. I thought about how you said I was acting distant a few months ago, and you were right. I’m sorry. I’ve been going through a lot of crap at work, and I wasn’t giving you the attention you deserve.”
“It’s okay, Marc,” I say.
“Well it obviously wasn’t okay, and you had every right to be frustrated with me. There were a hundred times I wanted to call you, but I thought I should get my head straight first—to be fair to you. I could tell you were suffering and I never meant to hurt you like that.” He takes a sip of his coffee. “I only hope I haven’t waited too long to get my shit together.”
I shift my eyes away from him, not knowing how to respond. Seeing Marc is almost indescribable. It gives me an immediate sense of comfort. He represents almost everything that brings me peace and safety, and today is no different. Except that today is different—today I have moved on. Today I have already begun to find solace in someone else, but the thought of banking on Ryan is almost as terrifying as the thought of losing Marc forever.
My throat is parched and I regret not at least getting a glass of water. “I don’t know if it’s too late, but I just don’t think I’m ready to jump back into things the way they were,” I say.
“I don’t want things to be like they were either, Kat. That’s what I’m trying to say to you. We’re both in a better place now, and we’ve had some time to see what we really want, and I want to take things to the next level. Let’s get back on track, let’s go away together. I think we need that,” he says.
I look into his eyes this time. Marc’s engaging personality and good looks are what initially drew me to him so many years ago, and his boyish charm hasn’t faded one bit. The original Backward Baseball Cap frat boy. An irresistible flirt with a knack for breaking hearts and taking names. How could I let him slip away? I hear Megan’s voice ringing in my head, saying “
Give him another chance, he deserves it.
”
I sink lower into my chair. “Marc, believe me, I was desperate to have this conversation months ago,” I say and do my best to convey my sincerity. “But things have changed.”
He gives me a stern look and cocks his head to one side. “Are you still seeing that first date guy?” he asks in disbelief.
“Yes.”
Just then, like a flash bulb, Julie appears at our table. “Well, hello!” she squeals, her voice purring with curiosity.
Surprised, Marc and I both turn to face her.
I jump to my feet and give her a hug. “Julie, what’s up?”
“You kiddies tell me,” she says and leans down to give Marc a kiss.
“How’s it going, Julie?” he greets her.
She ponders and nods. “Things are good, thank you, nice to see you two spending a little caffeinated, quality time together.”
I sit back down and muster a smile. “Are you headed home?” I ask, desperate for some air and a reason to get out of there.
“Nope, I’m headed to the grocery store, just popped in for a mocha frap,” she says. “I think I hear them calling my name, but I couldn’t resist stopping by this little party,” she turns to Marc. “Lovely to see you, Marc. Kat, call me when you get home.”
She scurries away just as quickly as she’d arrived, and my lungs deflate. I dab my brow trying to make it look as though I’m brushing some loose hairs out of my face instead of wiping off the beads of sweat.
Marc glares at me as if Julie was never there. “Kat, what are you doing? How serious is it with this guy?” He doesn’t miss a beat with his questions, and his tone is much less polite than two minutes ago.
“Well, he and I have been hanging out a lot. He works with me, at the agency.”
Marc manages to stay calm and folds both hands around the bottom of his coffee cup. “I see. Well, I guess I did wait too long.”
“It’s only in the early stages,” I backpedal.
“You don’t have to make excuses,” he says and backs his chair away from the table.
I’ve done it again. I’ve squashed his ego. “I know, it’s just that I’m not sure what else to say. It’s hard hearing all this from you right now.”
“Sorry, I guess I wasn’t aware of the time limit you’d imposed. I should’ve asked if you were with someone else before laying all this on you,” he says as the regret starts to consume him, yet again.
“Marc, please,” I say and place my hand on the table, reaching out to him. “I have waited so long for you to come around. It’s just…”
“Bad timing,” he cuts me off and stands.
“Marc,” I utter his name in an attempt to lure him back into the chair.
He gives me an awkward salute with his right hand. “I understand. Thanks for coming to meet me.”
“Of course,” I say as he turns his back on me and walks away, leaving me dumbstruck in Starbucks.
As I grab my purse and make my way to the door, tears begin to well up in my eyes. I simply can’t contain them and start to cry softly to myself as I step outside. I go to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and when I look up I see Adam leaning against the side of the building with his arms extended.
“Come to Adam,” he offers. “You didn’t think I’d let you go it alone, did you?” He embraces me as I soak the front of his shirt. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks my hair.
“I just hope I did the right thing,” I mumble.
“I’m sure you did.” We hug, dry my eyes and head to my car.
FLASH! Julie comes running up to us from across the street. “What the hell?!”
“Hello, darling,” Adam welcomes her nonchalantly as if he expected to see her there.
I wipe off the runny makeup under my eyes. “Marc wanted to have a talk and discuss where things stand with us. He wants to get back together,” I inform the two of them.
“Wow, what’d you say?” she asks.
“I said I wasn’t ready, and that I had to think about it. And he wasn’t all that pleased with my reply.”
She crosses her arms. “Well, well, well, look at you playing hard to get. I’m very impressed,” she says and looks at Adam in amazement. “I must say, I thought you would’ve caved for sure.”
“Our little girl’s all grown up.” He feigns choking-up.
Julie turns back to me. “I can’t believe you didn’t fill me in on all this. Why didn’t you tell me you’d heard from him?” She slaps my arm.
Just then it occurs to me that I hadn’t even told Julie about what transpired with Marc after the wedding. Perhaps I’ve been more preoccupied than I’ve realized. “I don’t know, I’m sorry, work’s been busy and…”
Adam cuts in. “The maturation process has taken a lot of energy out of our little kitty cat here,” he says and pats me on the head. “It’s a shame you haven’t gotten any taller with all this growing you’re doing.”
Julie ignores him. “Call me later, I want details.” Kiss, kiss and she’s gone.
Adam swings my arm humming “I Will Survive,” as we walk to my car.