Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 02 - Out of the Darkness (29 page)

Evan gives them a sullen look, but he heads for the kitchen, and Jeff reaches a hand out to grip Dan’s shoulder. “Dan, I know he’s being a bit over the top, but… he really made an effort to keep cool when
you
were freaking out. Try to return the favor, okay?” Jeff squeezes a bit before letting his hand fall, and Dan has to admit that Jeff has a point. Evan
had
put up with a lot of Dan’s shit.

Evan’s obviously still pretty wired, because he makes it to the living room before them, even though he’d detoured through the kitchen. When Evan reaches to hand Jeff his beer, Jeff shifts a little and brings his hand to the back of Evan’s neck, giving him that little shake that seems to communicate so much between the two of them. Dan can see Evan relax several notches, but he’s still wound up when he turns to give a bottle to Dan.

Dan tries to put a lid on the resentment he’s feeling and reminds himself of fun Evan wrestling in the pool, and family Evan teasing Tatiana, and thoughtful Evan working out the deal for the new partnership, and sexy Evan pressing Dan up against the wall of the feed shed… and when Evan extends his arm to give the bottle to Dan, Dan lifts up his hand and gently takes Evan’s wrist instead, and then he shuffles in, moving slowly because he’s really not sure how Evan is going to respond to this. He brings his other hand up to just above where Jeff fingers are still resting on Evan’s neck. Dan looks at Evan with as much sincerity, as much serenity as he can muster, and he moves a little further in, pressing their bodies together and then their lips.

Evan doesn’t kiss back. Dan breaks off the kiss and takes half a step away, and he can’t look Evan in the eye anymore because then Evan would read his feelings, and he’s feeling… betrayed. Evan had lured him into this, and now
he’s
backing off, just like Dan had thought would happen, but Dan had ignored his better judgment and trusted them, and now he’s the one who’s going to get hurt. He’s got no one to blame but himself, really.

He takes another step away and looks down at the beer in his hand. He’d like something a little stronger, ideally, but he doesn’t think he’s going to be at the house much longer and he needs to stay sober enough to drive. He’s really glad he’s got the apartment, so he doesn’t have to go back to—

His thoughts are interrupted when he feels a gentle touch on his own wrist, and he sees Evan’s fingers, not even wrapping around, just touching, like Evan can read Braille and the answers to life’s problems are written on Dan’s skin. Dan musters his strength and takes a quick look up, but Evan’s not looking at Dan’s face, he’s looking down at his own fingers as they trace their gentle path. Dan’s eyes cut over to Jeff’s face, looking for reassurance or explanation, but Jeff is watching Evan. Of course. But then Jeff turns his face toward Dan, and he looks unsure, really no help at all.

Finally Jeff speaks, almost a whisper, and Dan isn’t even sure if he’s talking to both of them or just one, and if it’s only one, Dan isn’t sure if it’s meant for him or for Evan. “Should we try that again?”

Dan thinks not. He put out himself out there once, and he’s not going to do it again. But it looks like maybe he
wasn’t
the one Jeff was talking to, because Evan’s moving in now, even more tentative than Dan had been, and Dan can feel Evan’s eyes looking for his, but Dan doesn’t want to meet them. When Evan’s lips find his, he manages a quick pucker before he backs up. He thinks maybe he’d made a mistake, thinks Evan had been right to back away, maybe… the action without the emotion is empty and meaningless. He doesn’t want to look at Evan, and he distracts himself by taking a long pull of his beer.

Jeff seems satisfied, though, at least for now. “How about if we sit down? Just relax a little.” He sets the example, taking a step backward toward the couch, pulling Evan with him. That leaves the other couch for Dan, and of course it’s like that, Dan alone on one side, the other two together across the room. Jeff looks like he realizes the dynamic a little too late, and he winces apologetically as he turns his head toward Dan.

Dan just shrugs as he slumps down on his couch. “Hey, maybe it’s symbolic somehow, right?” He doesn’t try to keep the bitterness out of his voice, and he sees Jeff take the hit. Evan frowns at them like he has no idea what they’re talking about.

Jeff looks like he’s not sure if he should be the one to speak, but Dan really has nothing to say, and Evan’s shutting up, too, for a change. “Okay, uh… I guess we have some things to work out. This is… I guess I should have been around more, but the gallery’s really important right now, and….”

Dan interrupts. “Jeff, it’s not your fault. If Evan and I can’t make it through a night without screaming at each other, that’s a problem with us, not with you.”

Evan looks sheepish. “Yeah, Jeff, this is on us.” He glances over at Dan. “Okay, possibly… mostly on me.” He looks at Jeff as if for permission, and then turns to Dan. “I swear, man, I… I don’t know what’s going on. I just want to…. Would it be unrealistic for us to just not ever talk to any outside people? Ever?”

Dan shakes his head. “No, that’s not quite it, Evan. Seems like
you
can talk to other guys, and
Jeff
can talk to other guys; it’s just me you want in isolation.” He takes another long swallow. “How the hell did you manage before, when Jeff actually
was
fucking other people? I mean, if you get this mental over me having a beer….”

Evan leans forward, like he’s getting in to the conversation. “I don’t know, man. I mean… I guess it’s because that was the rules, right? That was the deal. I knew they didn’t mean anything, I knew Jeff didn’t care about any of them, or, you know, he
liked
them, but it wasn’t a big deal.”

“So, what… you thought I was going to fall madly in love with Taylor? That doesn’t even make sense—I already
knew
Taylor, and there was no big emotional thing, so why would it be different now?”

Evan throws himself back against the pillows in a gesture of frustration. Dan raises his eyebrows at the dramatics, but Evan doesn’t seem to notice. “I don’t know! I guess… because that’s not the rules, you know? We’re supposed to be trying to be… whatever. Duogamous.”

“So do we just need to change the rules? Should we go back to something like you had before, where we can all fuck whoever we want?” Dan takes a deep breath. “Or… okay, look, Evan, we can waste a lot of time on trying to fix stuff, but if the problem is just that you aren’t into this anymore, that you think it isn’t going to work and you’re looking for an excuse to get out… seriously, it’s not too late yet. If you want to go back to just you and Jeff… that’s cool, man, I understand.” He grins a little, trying to be brave, trying to ignore the way his pulse is racing. “I gotta say, I thought you were crazy to even consider it, right from the start.”

Evan is staring at him, and when he speaks, his voice is soft. “That easy, huh? Just… take the mulligan?”

Dan isn’t sure why Evan’s acting like Dan just kicked him. Dan’s trying to give him a damn gift—the drama-free breakup? Evan should be on his knees
thanking
Dan. “Well, you know… if it’s not working out for you….”

“No, man, don’t pin this on me!” Evan’s on his feet now, pacing in front of Dan. “If you want out, you should at least be man enough to say so! Don’t… don’t pretend it’s my idea!”

“Me? You’re the one who’s going mental! If the only way for this to work is for me to live in a locked tower somewhere, with no friends and no life, then, yeah, maybe I do want out!”

Evan pauses as if in triumph. “Good, yeah, it’s good to hear you finally say the words.”

Jeff’s attention is swiveling between the two of them like he’s watching a game of tennis being played with a kitten’s head instead of a ball. “What the hell is going on here?” he finally manages. “How did… what the fuck happened tonight?”

Evan’s still staring angrily at Dan, so Dan tries to answer. “I don’t think it’s just tonight. Evan wants—” Dan catches himself. He remembers a lecture Justin gave him one time on fighting fair, and he’s pretty sure one of the rules was to not put words in someone else’s mouth. So he tries again. “This isn’t the first time that I’ve felt like things are getting a little claustrophobic. And, you know, not the first time I’ve felt like I wasn’t being trusted. It’s… frustrating.”

Jeff looks like he’s listening, but Evan’s just staring at his hands. Jeff gives him a little nudge. “Kid? You have anything you want to say?”

Evan shrugs. It doesn’t look nonchalant, though, it looks defeated. “What am I supposed to say?” He leans back in the chair and rubs both hands roughly over his face. “It’s…. I….” He takes a big breath and looks Dan in the eyes. “I feel like you’re totally uncommitted to this. I mean, you say you could just walk away now, no harm no foul… like it wouldn’t mean anything to you. So, yeah, sorry, I don’t like seeing you with some other guy, given that you’ve made it totally clear that you don’t think this thing with us has a prayer of working out. And that you don’t really care if it doesn’t.”

Dan shakes his head. “No, I didn’t… I didn’t mean it like that.” He looks to Jeff for help, but Jeff is just looking back at him. Waiting. “Wait a second—you were an asshole to Ryan before any of this even got off the ground. You have a jealousy issue, man. This isn’t… fuck, this is the conversation I said I
wasn’t
going to have, the one where it’s my fault. Fuck that, it’s not my fault!”

Jeff finally jumps in. “Okay, let’s say it’s no one’s fault. Okay? It’s… it’s a bad situation, and we need to work on it and figure out a way to make it better.”

“Yeah, sure, Jeff, why don’t
you
be the judge? ’Cause you’re so obviously impartial.” Dan frowns at both of them.

 

“What the fuck, Dan? Now you’re mad at Jeff?” Evan looks more amazed than angry. “I thought you guys had some deep spiritual bond.”

“Me and Jeff? You thought me and Jeff were so close? It’s the two of you who are making plans and then inviting me along like an afterthought….” Dan takes another deep breath. “Which makes sense. I mean, you guys have been together for a long time. You’ve already got your patterns for doing things, you’re used to calling each other, whatever. But you honestly expect me to jump into it all without…. Shit, Evan, you really can’t see where I’m coming from on this?”

Evan sits back for a second before he speaks. “Yeah, I can see where you’re coming from.” His eyes are pleading when he turns them on Dan. “Can you see where
I’m
coming from?”

Dan needs to think about that one. “I guess. I get that you think I’m not committed enough… but, seriously, man, from my side it feels like I’m already in way the fuck over my head. But, okay, yeah, I can see how it would look like I’m holding back. But….” He thinks again, and then sighs. “I was gonna say I didn’t get the jealousy thing, but I guess I get that too. I wasn’t too happy to see you all cozy with Monica.”

They’re silent for a bit, and then Jeff stands up and puts out a hand to haul Evan to his feet. Evan follows along, but he gives Jeff a strange look as Jeff tugs him to Dan’s side of the room and then sinks to the floor, taking Evan with him. Evan smiles when he sees Jeff reach out and tug at Dan’s leg, pulling him down to sit with them on the floor. Dan shakes his head in amused disgust, but he gives in and sinks down into an awkward cross-legged position.

“So, what, we can all be uncomfortable together?” Dan asks.

“It’d probably be more comfortable if we were on a bed,” Evan suggests, and Dan knew there was a reason he liked the guy. But Jeff’s shaking his head.

“Okay, uh, hear me out on this… I know it’s going to sound like a terrible idea.” Jeff closes his eyes as if gathering inner strength. “I can’t believe I’m even saying it, but… I think we should slow down on the sex.” Dan thinks he must look as comically stunned as Evan does, because Jeff grins at both of them and laughs, a low, soft rumble. “I know, but… I think maybe we’re using it as a crutch. Instead of talking about things and figuring them out, we’re just falling into bed. Maybe we need to slow down a little.” He looks over at Dan. “You’re right that Evan and I haven’t shaken loose of our old patterns, haven’t really made room for you….”

“But… maybe we need a crutch! I mean, what’s wrong with crutches?” Dan looks to Evan for agreement and sees him nodding vigorously. Dan has been frustrated with Evan tonight, but that doesn’t seem to have lessened the physical pull between them.

“Yeah, Jeff, come on… it’s not the three of us together that leads to trouble, it’s the outside world! Why change the part that works?”

Jeff shakes his head ruefully. “I’m not saying a permanent change, believe me. I’m just saying… maybe… maybe the reason things fall apart when we’re with other people is because the only way we know to communicate is physically. So when we’re out in the world, and we
can’t
just jump into bed, we’ve got nothing to fall back on.” He grins a little as he shakes his head. “I’m not saying the sex isn’t great, but if we want this to be more than just sex… maybe we need to ease off on that and focus on the other stuff.” He laughs when he sees the doubtful look Evan and Dan exchange. “Well, at least you two can agree on one thing, huh?”

Dan really isn’t sure about this development. He can see where Jeff maybe has a point, but…. “So, what do you want to do? Just… hang out?” Dan knows he sounds like Jeff’s suggested that they shove bamboo under each other’s fingernails. He tries again. “I mean… okay. That could be…. Like, talk about how our days went?”

Jeff laughs. “Or politics, or movies, or music, or our pasts, or our hopes and dreams for the future….” Jeff’s teasing a little by the end, so Dan doesn’t help him with the conversation, just sits and waits. Finally, Evan chips in.

“Dan wants me to buy a Percheron.”

 

Jeff nods at Evan. “Horses. Good.” He turns to Dan. “Did you have a specific one in mind, or do you just like the breed?”

“Uh… I like the breed. But it’d be a good size for Evan, if he just wants a horse to screw around on. And, uh….” He’s a little worried about mentioning the name, but he’s not going to pussyfoot around Evan’s paranoia. “Taylor said he’d seen a Percheron-Arab cross that was nice. Or we could look at just a light Percheron. Or, you know, it doesn’t have to be that at all. Evan’s not too heavy for Smokey. We could just get another quarter horse. It just… you know… it’d be fun to have a horse that suits him personally.” Dan knows he’s babbling a bit, but it’s hard to stop. He can’t remember ever having felt so much like a conversation was a test.