Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 02 - Out of the Darkness (32 page)

Dan doesn’t want to break the spell, but he feels like he has to. “Is this—” He stops, then starts again. “Is this okay with Evan? Is he….” Dan wriggles a little, enough to get his face far enough away that he can look Jeff in the eye. “I don’t want to make things worse with him. Or make him feel pushed out, or something… I mean…
I
could have gone. I said I would.”

Jeff nods seriously. “Yeah, you did say you would. So this… I’ve spent time alone with Evan, since things started up with you. And
you’ve
spent time alone with Evan. So… this is just you and me spending time alone, right?” Jeff shifts a bit, not enough that he’s pushing Dan back into the old position, just enough so that Dan has to support his own weight if he wants to stay in the new place. Dan appreciates the subtlety and lets himself nestle back in. Jeff rewards him with a soft kiss to his temple.

They’re quiet for another little while, and then it’s Jeff’s turn to break the silence. “You and Evan—sometimes you seem… I don’t know, sometimes you seem like you’re getting along great.” He gives Dan another temple kiss, a little rougher this time. “Great enough that I think maybe the graceful thing to do would be to bow out and let you guys… you know… have a more normal relationship.” Dan’s a bit too shocked to say anything, and by the time he’s recovered enough to start objecting, Jeff’s already started talking again. “And then you have days like today, where… I don’t know, where it seems like I’m pretty damn necessary, if only so that I can be the referee and sort the two of you out.” Dan feels Jeff’s arm shift and realizes that he’s taking a pretty deep pull from his glass of bourbon.

Dan swivels around so quickly that Jeff jerks his head back a little, obviously startled. “Fuck, Jeff, are you kidding me?” Dan wonders where Puppet-Chris has been the last few days, because somebody really needs to give Dan a slap upside the head. The puppet’s hands probably aren’t strong enough for the hit Dan deserves, though. He can’t believe that he’s let himself get so wrapped up in himself,
again
, and forgotten that he’s not the only person trying to figure out this new relationship, not the only person feeling unsure and insecure. He’s just the only one making a fool of himself, getting all worked up and calling attention to his issues, instead of just trying to cope and figure things out like Jeff has been doing.

He gets an arm free and catches the back of Jeff’s neck with it, shaking him gently the way Jeff does with Evan. “Jesus, Jeff, you’re… shit, you’re the only reason either one of us is still trying. We both want
you
, man.” Dan catches himself. “I mean, Evan’s a good guy, and Jesus Christ, the body on him….” Jeff smiles in wry acknowledgment, and Dan continues. “I mean, when this all started, I could have taken him or left him. He was hot, seemed like a nice guy, but there was no….” Dan shakes his head. “I suck at saying stuff, you know that, but… you felt it, you said. In Kentucky? The… attraction, between you and me?”

Dan can feel Jeff’s body stir at the memory. When he speaks, his voice is husky. “Yeah, Dan, I felt it.”

A chilling thought strikes Dan, and he pulls a bit away from Jeff, needing to be able to see his face. “But… is that gone? Is that… I mean… is that why you’re not sure about all this?”

Jeff stares at him for a moment and then laughs. “Shit, no, Dan, it’s… it’s far from gone. I just—”

Dan interrupts. “It’s far from gone for me too. And it’s even better now, because I know you, and it’s not just physical anymore, and… shit, Jeff, I’m sorry if I’ve been getting all caught up in myself, and in this stupid stuff with Evan, but… you’re way more than a referee, and… and if Evan and I
do
manage to calm things down and get along all the time, that won’t mean that we don’t need you anymore, it’ll just mean that we’ll be able to pull our heads out of our asses and appreciate you a bit more.” It occurs to Dan that he’s been making a lot of speeches tonight. Apparently he’s decided that there are things that need to be said. But he’s really more comfortable with nonverbal communication, so he leans in and braces his forehead against Jeff’s, trying to send back the comfort that Jeff had given him earlier. “Okay?”

Jeff pauses as if he’s thinking about it, and Dan feels a flash of cold fear, concern that he’s misread what Jeff was saying, has somehow made things worse instead of better. Then Jeff smiles, and it’s warm and true and open, and Dan realizes that he only knows two men who smile like this, pure happiness and affection, and he wonders if Evan learned it from Jeff or the other way around, or whether they somehow found each other and recognized their match. Dan can’t remember the last time he smiled in a way that didn’t have at least a trace of something else in it; he hopes he doesn’t contaminate their purity.

But Puppet-Chris finally speaks up, reminds Dan that this is about
Jeff
, and Dan kicks his mind back to where it belongs. He leans in for a little kiss and tries to keep it chaste, out of respect for Jeff’s “no sex” plan. He’s surprised when it’s Jeff who intensifies it, bringing his hand up to Dan’s neck and pulling him in tighter. It’s hot and wet and good, and Dan can’t keep himself from shifting around, trying to get a little more body contact. Unfortunately, that seems to be enough to remind Jeff of his resolutions, and he pulls his head back, the hand on Dan’s neck tangling in his hair now, keeping him from following Jeff’s lips. Dan has been meaning to find somewhere to get his hair cut in California, and now he has an extra incentive.

Jeff’s watching him closely, as if he’s trying to make up his mind, or worse, as if he’s already made up his mind and he’s disappointed by the results. Dan chokes out a disbelieving laugh. “You’re not blaming me for that, are you? I mean, that wasn’t some sort of a test, to see if I’d follow your new rule….”

Jeff’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, hard. “No, Dan! Not a test… or at least, not of you. I was just thinking—I’d been thinking about asking you to stay the night, just, you know… to sleep. But I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself. Well, no, I was pretty sure I couldn’t, but I hoped….” He laughs softly. “I shouldn’t even have considered it. You and Evan think this is gonna be tough on you—it’s not just you two, believe me.”

Dan thinks about pressing it; he believes Jeff when he says that he’s tempted, and Dan’s pretty sure he could make that temptation irresistible, but… he eases away a little, smiling regretfully. Jeff is right, they
do
need to work on other aspects of their relationship. “Do you have a time frame in mind for all this?” He shakes his head. “’Cause I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense, but… it’s not gonna last
too
long, is it?”

Jeff shakes his head too. “I have no idea, Dan. I… when I suggested it, I was half-expecting the two of you to revolt, decide you didn’t need some old man thinking he knew what was best.”

Dan squints a little and tilts his head to one side, then the other. He’s only half joking. “I really… I really don’t see him. This old man you’re talking about? I mean—do you think Evan or I are so stupid that we see a little gray hair and think it means that you’re past your best? Jesus, Jeff, the gray is sexy as shit. Makes you look experienced, and… I don’t know. Hot. And your body’s great, and, okay, maybe the art thing is some kind of midlife crisis, I don’t know, but it’s pretty much the sexiest midlife crisis I’ve ever seen. I can just imagine you, jeans all low on your hips, shirt off, maybe a couple splotches of paint on your chest or your arm or somewhere, looking at the canvas…
creating
something….”

Jeff’s smiling shyly. “That’s hot? Really?”

 

“Fuck, yeah. It doesn’t turn Evan on? Do you let him watch you paint?”

Jeff shrugs. “He’ll come in sometimes, but… you know… he’s not exactly good at sitting still and watching things—more of a participant.”

Dan nods. He can’t really imagine Evan just watching, not for long, at least. Then again, Dan isn’t sure how long
he’d
be able to keep his hands off, not if real painter-Jeff looks half as sexy as imaginary painter-Jeff….

Jeff is watching Dan, thinking, and then he seems to make a decision. “Do you have to go home? Or do you have a couple hours? I’d love to paint you—I mean, I’m not a portrait painter, I’m not great at it, but… I’d love to try, if you’d let me.”

Dan doesn’t try to hide his surprise. “Me? Really? I… wait, with clothes on? Or… Jeff, I can barely keep my hands off you now; if you’re gonna be looking at me naked….”

“Slow down, cowboy.” Jeff’s drawl is amused, and he’s clearly back in control. Dan likes it that way. Vulnerable Jeff is sweet, and Dan’s happy to see him, happy to be reminded that this new thing is scary for all of them, but it’s the quietly confident Jeff who drew Dan in from the start, and he’s still Dan’s favorite. Jeff reaches out and gently tilts Dan’s face toward the light, then away. “Clothes can stay on, if you want… or maybe shirt off, if you’re okay with that, so I can work on your head and shoulders.” He looks to Dan for permission and keeps watching his face as he undoes the top couple buttons of Dan’s shirt, pushing the collar back from his neck a little.

He sighs. “Okay, someday I’d really like to paint you naked, ’cause every extra inch I see makes me want to see three more, but for tonight… if you’re okay with it….”

“Do I… I could see you, right? See what you’re doing?”

Jeff shrugs. “Usually models aren’t shown the work until it’s done—it can make them self-conscious, or make them try to
show
the artist things instead of the artist finding the features for himself….”

“No, man, I don’t mean the picture. I mean… you. I’ll be able to see you while you’re doing it, right?” Dan isn’t sure why that’s important to him, but he knows that it is. He thinks he needs to be able to remind himself that it’s Jeff he’s doing this for.

“Yeah, you’ll be able to see me.” Jeff waits quietly.

 

“Uh, yeah, okay, I guess. I mean… it’s just for fun, right? Just— to see what it’s like?”

Jeff shrugs. “Okay. You know, if it turns out to be good, I might like to show it to people, but… I wouldn’t do it without your permission.”

Dan thinks of Hugh Winters, the guy in Los Angeles when Dan was a teenager. He’d taken pictures of Dan, and film, without Dan knowing, and Dan had hated it, had felt so dirty when he found out. He’d hated the thought that maybe some of those images were still out there, that maybe he hadn’t found them all when he’d left. Maybe Hugh looked at them himself, jerked off to them, or maybe he’d shown them to other perverts, other assholes who got off on seeing some kid sleeping, all his barriers down, or watching him get fucked, rough and impersonal like it always was with Hugh… and now Dan’s sitting here, seriously thinking about letting someone else put him in that position.

But this is different. This is consensual, and it wouldn’t have to be naked, and it’s art, real art, not Hugh and his claims of
erotica
, and, most importantly, this is Jeff. Dan needs to remember that.

Jeff’s watching him closely. “If you’d rather not, it’s okay. I’d like to, but if you’re not comfortable with it, it’s okay.”

“No, I….” Dan briefly considers telling Jeff about Hugh, about the whole mess, but he feels like he’s shared enough for one night. “I’m just… I don’t know, it’s new. But, yeah, I’d like to. For you.” He frowns a little. “With you.”

Jeff seems to understand that this is a big deal for Dan, even if he doesn’t know the details of why. He nods slowly. “It doesn’t have to be tonight, if you’d like some time to think it over.”

Dan shakes his head. Jeff being understanding about it, trying to find ways to let Dan get out of the situation, makes it clear why this
is
different. “No, I’m good. I want to.” He pushes away a little and scrambles to his feet, then reaches a hand down to Jeff. “Come on, old man, show me what you’ve got.”

Jeff shakes his head. “I open up my soul to you, and still you mock me, and poke at my weakness….”

Dan just grins at him. “If I thought there was anything to worry about, I wouldn’t tease you about it.” He pulls Jeff to his feet, and then peers out into the hallway. “Is that your studio, down there?”

Jeff nods and follows behind Dan, who is practically charging down the hall. Now that he’s committed, he wants to do it fast, not in a get-it-over-with way, just… to get started before he chickens out. The door to the room is ajar, but mostly closed, and Dan pauses when he gets there. He’s not sure what the expectations of privacy are; he’s been in Jeff’s bedroom, in his
bed
, and most people would probably think that’s a more intimate place than an artist’s studio, but as Jeff has noted, the three of them seem to have gotten a little ahead of themselves in the bedroom department. Dan doesn’t want to make a similar mistake here.

But then Jeff is there, snaking his arms around Dan from behind, one hand spreading out over Dan’s chest, the other over his stomach. Jeff’s fingers are long, and strong, and Dan feels totally contained, totally safe. Jeff’s voice is soft in his ear. “You having second thoughts?”

Dan turns his head enough to be sure that Jeff can see it when he smiles. “No, man, just waiting for you to lead the way.”

Dan feels Jeff’s laugh as much as he hears it. “Well, that’s a change. Is that what it takes to tame you, just wanting to paint your picture?”

“Tame me?” That doesn’t sound right to Dan. He thinks of wild animals as being strong and fearless.

Jeff’s lips rub along the rim of his ear, and Dan shivers a little and leans into Jeff, as if for warmth. “Not that’d I want to, though.” Jeff sounds like he means it. “I like you a little wild, a little unpredictable.”

Dan fights the sudden urge to break into a tap dance or something, to blow Jeff’s mind with his unpredictability. He’s pretty sure that wasn’t quite what Jeff meant. Instead, he just waits, and Jeff takes the prompt, gently walking Dan forward, pushing the door open, moving into the studio. Jeff gives Dan a little squeeze before moving away from him, turning on the overhead lights and then a few smaller lamps around the room. He looks at Dan, then his eyes lose their focus, and Dan realizes that Jeff is imagining, planning how to paint him.