Keep it Secret (28 page)

On day, seven of my stay in
the hospital I was given the OK to check out along with an inch
thick of pamphlets with information on different rehabs. It was
time to do this I couldn't continue living my life this way. I
thought back on the conversation Dr. Charles and I had that finally
made me realize I needed help.

“Have you ever had suicidal
thoughts?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Well?” He urged me to
continue.

“I’m still here, aren't
I?”

“Why didn't you go through
with it?” He replied taking a look out the hospital
window.

“Because, I’m not weak.”
That sounded horrible and judgmental, but it was the way I
felt.

“You call living your life
half-assed and drinking yourself to death strong?” Whoa, all right
then, Dr. Charles grew some teeth.

“Wait, you can’t talk to me
that way. You're a professional. That’s like breaking some kind of
rule.” I was already sitting up on my bed, ready to get this verbal
battle underway.

“I’m not here as your
therapist, Ava, I’m here as a friend. Speaking to you as a friend
you are slowly killing yourself if you keep drinking the way you
have been. Don't you want to live? Get married, have children, go
to college, travel? Not in that order but don't you want to live?”
I’m not sure why but this time his words sank in, the strangest
part was as he was speaking all I heard was my
babbo’s
voice.

“Ava, baby?” Rose shook me
from my sleep.

“You’re making this a habit,
Rose.” I answered dryly, steering in the hospital bed. I thought
I’d get one last nap before checking out, clearly, that wasn't
happening.

“We need to talk.” She said
grimly.

Ugh, what now?

I sat up from my sleep,
resting my back against the plastic headboard of the bed. Rose gave
me a look, only one would make when they were about to release a
bomb of bad news.

“I spoke to your
Zio
Lorenzo.” She said
sheepishly, lowering her eyes she looked down at the thin hospital
sheet.
Zio
Enzo
was my dad’s older brother. The last time I had seen him and his
wife was at my dad’s funeral, he called every now and then to check
up on us.

“Aha…” I probed her to
continue.

“Your grandparents have
died, it seems your grandmother passed away four months ago from a
heart attack and your grandfather died two months later from the
same thing. Lorenzo would have called when she passed but your
grandfather became very ill after her death. They were very worried
about him.” We didn't get a call because obviously, taking care of
him became a priority and calling foreign family members to tell
them the news was not as important, I understood.

“All right.” I replied, I felt
bad for not feeling bad but honestly how could I be sad about
people I never knew. Not to mention disowned my father for marrying
my mother. They never even tried to meet me. The only person I knew
from the Veneziano side was my
Zio
Enzo, his wife and kids. Even our relationship
with him had to stay secret my grandparents would have disowned him
if they knew we were in contact. The
only
person I felt bad for was Enzo,
regardless of how old you were losing your parents was
devastating.

Rose cleared her throat before
continuing. “They left
Babbo
an inheritance, but since he's no longer with
us—his will states you as his sole beneficiary.”

What the hell? My head was
spinning, what was she trying to say? Damn it, women spit it
out!

“What are you saying,
Rose?”

“Ava, I’m saying you just
inherited a lot of money.”

Vanessa

Four days after his funeral
I began to wonder where Ava was. I was so wrapped up inside my own
head I had completely forgotten about her. My mind was slow to
process everything not eating for two days would do that to you.
Mother threatened to admit me in a psychiatric hospital if I didn't
start eating, never the one to test mother’s threats, even in my
distraught state, I ate.

“Where are Ava…and Aunt
Rose?” I asked pushing a piece of chicken around with my fork
making it collide with a cherry tomato then dipping it in a puddle
of dressing. Mother looked up from reading the newspaper with a
curious look on her face. She then snorted in the most dignified
way. “Vanessa, your cousin, the one you think so highly of is in
the hospital…detoxing…from alcohol. Please don't waste your concern
on her.” Wow…just wow. She was truly enjoying sharing this
information with me. I had no energy to fight her on the way she
was savoring Ava’s troubles, so I continued to play with my food.
The doorbell rang and my spirits rose just by the slight chance
that it might be Ava.

“Maybe that’s them?” I said
sipping on my water, trying to cover my excitement with the
glass…which, maybe wasn't the best idea…since it was glass…and
glass is see-through…

Mother’s body stiffened.
“Dolores, who was that?” She shouted from the dining
room.

“Delivery for Ms. Vanessa.”
Dolores replied, walking towards me with a manila envelope in her
hand I was instantly intrigued by the envelope, who would just drop
this off without a return address? Just as I ripped it open. Ava
and Aunt Rose stepped into the dining room with over night bags in
each of their hands. I glanced at them before pulling out the
contents of the mystery delivery. Ava smiled at me like I was her
saving grace at that moment I felt maybe just maybe I would be all
right that even though I had lost Gabriel I still had Ava. But then
all those warm fuzzy feelings came crashing down as I looked at the
picture in my hands, attached was a small piece of paper that
read:

Ava,

I hope this picture brings
you happiness and joy as it has me. Knowing that my Gabriel loved
you as much or if not more than you loved him. I will look back on
this day, when I opened the door to his bedroom finding him
sleeping with you in his arms, and smile. He truly loved you. I
hope you don't mind the small invasion of privacy. Your kind of
love is supposed to be printed on paper .I hope one day your heart
has healed enough to see me again .I have so much to say to
you.

Take care, honey

Angela.

My breath hitched, once
again I felt like the world had crumbled underneath me, gripping
the picture I looked up at Ava, she was clearly confused and that
only made me even madder. Just as she was stepping in my direction
I flung the picture at her. In slow motion, the photo glided
through the air, floating down like a dried up leaf crashing to the
floor, taking my trust and faith in my family along with
it.

Eight months later…

Sicily was amazing. I wondered
why people ever left after vacationing here. The food, the people,
the culture, it was a true paradise. Particularly perfect for
running away from your problems. After the photo fiasco, Vanessa
called me every name in the book and after weeks of us yelling and
screaming at each other Rose thought it would be best if we moved
out. I gave her one better and dropped out of high school, got my
G.E.D. and flew to Sicily to finalize the paper work in order to
receive my inheritance. I wasn't sure if I would ever touch it, to
me it felt tainted, soiled with the legacy of my grandparents.
Nevertheless, I came, staying with my
Zio
Enzo and his family. In our
weekly conversations, Rose informed me that she was now head of the
Administration Department of one of Uncle Bill’s offices. She said
she was happy and enjoyed staying in Vail. I continued to speak to
Dr. Charles although he was no longer my therapist. I called him as
a ‘friend’ I respected him and valued his opinion. I guess I was
still desperate for a father figure; I turned my therapist into one
without even realizing it. During my discussions with Rose I’d ask
her about Vanessa. She would always answer with a vague return.
“She’s well.” “She was accepted into DU.” Was the most current
information. I felt like shit about the way she found out about
Gabriel and I but I never let it linger because I’m an asshole like
that and I was a selfish bitch who ran away from her problems,
until, this morning when Rose called.

“What up, Rose?” I answered
nonchalantly. Rose lets out a heavy sigh before
speaking.

“We need to talk.” She
replied.

“Okay?” You know it’s going
to be bad news because who the hell starts a normal conversation
like that?

“Ava, you need to come
home.” Okay, maybe not.

“Um, yeah, no.”

“Ava, Vanessa…Vanessa’s not
well.” She replied, my stomach dropped.

“What happened?” I asked
frantically getting off my bed gripping my phone.

“She’s gotten into some
trouble. Your aunt and uncle want you to come home and resolve what
happened between you two. They believe that will help her get back
on track. Bill has a plan that will force her to speak to
you.”

Oh ho ho, fucking fantastic,
now they wanted me to be around. Eleven months ago Cynthia did
everything to try to keep her away from me. I considered for a
minute too long, could I go back? Could I go back to face my
problems. Face Vanessa? Ava Veneziano doesn't face her problems.
She runs from them like a coward. And speaks about herself in the
third person apparently. I gripped my crucifix my father’s voice
rang in my head.
“La famiglia è per
sempre”
family is forever. Even if it was
a dysfunctional, messed up, perverse family. It was still
my
family.

“I’m on my way.”

First and for most I want to
begin by thanking my parents, without them well, I wouldn’t be
here. Thank you very much for all your sacrifices and hard
work.
Los amo tanto.
Thank you to my older brother who when I said I wanted to
write a book he said, “Fuck it, do it.” You don’t know much that
motivated me to start writing. Thank you to my BFF for editing and
reading even though she was incredibly busy, she still took the
time to help me. I love ya, Tink! And last but certainly not least,
thank you to my husband, my soul mate, my best friend the father of
my beautiful children, you are the reason why I felt confident
enough in myself to start this process, because of you and your
success I was inspired to pursue this. You gave me encouraging
words when I wasn’t sure I could continue. I love you.