Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (15 page)

Make an appointment with your worries

I call this “worry time.” Arbitrarily choose a time—say, 4:30 in the afternoon. This is your time to spend twenty minutes on your money worries. Any other money worries that come up at any other time can be put down on a piece of paper. Just as you did for rumination, set up an appointment with that worry at 4:30 pm. You will find that you are able to do this (not always, but very often). The worries are delayed and compartmentalized to 4:30. Your worry time rolls around, you look at your list of worries and you find several things to be true: first, it’s the same few thoughts, nagging you; second, you might be less concerned at 4:30 in the afternoon than you were at 11:00 in the morning or 11:00 at night; third, you sleep better, because you have assigned the worry to worry time, not to sleeping time. You feel less controlled and less trapped by your money worries. As a result, you can enjoy most of your day without having to answer to them.

Now, what can you do at 4:30 pm? Ask yourself the following questions, to put the worry to a test. First, is there any advantage to repeatedly worrying about this? The emphasis is on “repeatedly.” Did you get the point the first ten times you nagged yourself about your worries about money? Do you need to nag yourself another ten times? Second, is there any productive action that you can take to make progress? Anything that you can do in the next twenty-four hours? I call this, “Your to-do list for today.” Perhaps there is. You can budget, do things for free, look for a job. OK? Then do those things. They are more productive than worrying. Third, are there other rewarding and meaningful things you can do that have nothing to do with money? Well, that’s what this chapter—this entire book—is about. Do rewarding things, meaningful things, action and experience in the present moment—rather than worrying about money.

Think of it this way. We will all die some day. You can spend every moment of your life worrying about dying. Or you can spend every moment of your life living a full and meaningful life. Which makes more sense to you?

EXERCISE: LOOKING AT YOUR WORRIES

During your worry-time appointment, use all the points listed here.

•
Are you spending a lot of time worrying about the future and your money?

•
What are the costs and benefits to you of spending time worrying about this?

•
Will worry actually solve your problem?

•
Is there anything that you can do today that will actually solve your problem?

•
If not, then why continue worrying?

•
What would be the advantage of accepting that you really don’t know what the future might be?

•
Could you spend more time doing productive things for yourself in the present moment?

•
Set aside a worry time every day. Put off your worries until that time.

8: How can this help you establish better values and more self-discipline?

I think it is realistic to say that you are very likely to get another job and get your finances back on track. Almost everyone eventually gets back to work. I know this might seem overly optimistic to some readers, but that’s what the facts tell us. But I want you to consider looking beyond the immediate situation to the bigger picture in your life. This involves two—related—issues: having more self-discipline when it comes to money, and setting the right values for your life.

Self-discipline

In every chapter in this book there is a message about self-discipline. It includes making your job getting a job, taking care of yourself, having activity schedules every day, pulling your weight at home with chores and support, being a better parent and partner, reaching out to the larger community, helping others, and making sure that you have a regular self-care program of exercise and diet. And money is now on your list of self-discipline.

We all spend more than we need to—often not saving anything in any given year. It’s absurd. When you get your next job, keep in mind that keeping a budget, economizing, being more mindful of what you spend, thinking about what you need vs. what you prefer, escaping the treadmill of competitive spending and status-seeking are lessons for life. Don’t just use them during the time between jobs. Use this for the rest of your life. Keep money in perspective as a means to buy things that you actually need, rather than what is on sale, what is convenient, or what makes you feel better for the moment. The best way to stretch your money is not to spend it.

This doesn’t mean that you are deprived. It means that you get smart about money.

Setting the right values for life

Think about what you really value. I have pitted materialism against human needs and values. You, your kids, and your partner need love, understanding, appreciation, time together, and the ability to have fun. These are generally free and readily available. You can get your mind around the issue of money by doing the mental exercise, Visualize Losing Everything, that I described on page 134—imagine it has all been taken away. If you start each day with appreciating what you already have—especially the relationships, your senses, the freedom, and the ability to grow and learn—then you are a richer person. If you chase after money as a way of defining your “worth,” then you will find yourself chasing the wind. You will find yourself alone, lost and empty. The decision is yours.

EXERCISE: YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY FOR THE FUTURE

Look ahead to when you will be earning again and think about your changed attitude to money:

•
What if you changed your attitude towards money after you go back to work?

•
In what ways could you be more self-disciplined?

•
How could you change your priorities so that you get more meaning out of life?

•
How can you put money in its place—so that you don’t get too focused on it?

•
How could you plan your spending and savings so that you are more on top of things in the future?

•
How can you replace materialism with human purpose—and better relationships?

8

HELPING EACH OTHER: FOR PARTNERS AND FAMILIES

A lot of couples who are going through a period where one of them is unemployed have more friction and frustration than they have ever had before. They are worried about money, worried about maintaining their lifestyle, worried that they won’t ever get a job again. In this chapter I look at how your partner and your family, if you have these, can work with you as a team during your time between jobs. This chapter is for both of you to read. You need to understand how each of you experiences this time and how you can both be supportive to the other person. If you are the person who is unemployed, you also need to attend to the needs and the frustrations of your partner. If it is your partner who is unemployed, you can also express your feelings and needs, but in a manner that is respectful and helpful. This can be a time that can bring you together in a common cause, or it can be a time that drives you apart. It will depend on how you use this time.

Try to bring it together. You won’t regret working hard to build your lives.

Breaking the news—sharing the news

When Mark found out that he was losing his job, the first thing he thought was, “How am I going to tell Anna?” She had high expectations of him and she always seemed to push him harder—to make more money, climb higher in the corporate ladder, impress everyone with their lifestyle. They had been living beyond their means for several years, taking a mortgage on a house they really couldn’t afford, and constantly competing with friends and neighbors for the latest in fashion, gadgets, cars, and holidays. They had been the “fake rich”—a family with a lifestyle that was maintained on maxed-out credit cards. What would Anna say?

When he got home he poured himself a drink—then another one. He found himself fumbling with his thoughts and his words, afraid to tell Anna. But he knew he would have to tell her. “I’ve got some bad news. They told me I’m being made laid off today.”

She looked at him, scornfully, exasperated, angry, and contemptuous. “How could you do this to us? You really screwed up this time, Mark. All of our friends are going to think we are losers. I don’t know if I can stay around for this. I mean, how are you going to take care of us? You can’t do anything right. You’ve let us down—once again. Just like you always do. I should have married Jonathan. He’s doing so much better than you. How could I end up with such a loser?”

Fortunately, this is just a fantasy. But it might be your fantasy. I hope it’s not your reality. Imagine confronting a wife or husband who responds in this way? How would you feel? After you work out if you are sadder or more enraged, you might think, “This is the absolute worst way to respond to someone losing their job.” You’re right. No one should have to go through this kind of contemptuous humiliation. Losing your job is not a crime, it’s not something that you wanted. You need love and support, not another obstacle to overcome. You have lost your job, you don’t want to lose the love and respect of your family.

If your partner is unemployed, you can be helpful, or you can be hurtful. Perhaps more than any other time in the history of your relationship, this is the time when they will need you most. Keep in mind that it is hard enough on your partner who lost their job—it’s not what they wanted to happen. They feel bad enough. Criticizing, ridiculing, withdrawing, or complaining will not help them get another job. It will only make things worse for the entire family.

Does unemployment wreck marriages?

It’s interesting that the research on the effects of unemployment on marital satisfaction is not as clear-cut as you might think. In a review of the research on couples with one unemployed spouse there was no direct relationship between unemployment and marital dissatisfaction.
¹⁴
That’s right! Some studies show that relationships get worse, but some research suggests that relationships can get better. It really depends on how you and your family cope together or turn against each other.

One thing is clear; if you and your partner have more difficulties in your marriage, then you are going to have more difficulties coping with unemployment. Although for some people, things get worse, for others, they can actually get better. You do have a choice.

Facing it together

Let’s take a look at how a couple of families coped with unemployment. One client, Phil, lost his job at the company after eighteen years of being a productive employee. There was a downturn in the economy and a lot of people were being laid off. But his wife, Ellen, realized that he had done everything he could to do a good job and that he was a good man, a good father, and a good husband. It was hard enough for him. When he told her he was being laid off, she put her arms around him. There was a long silence as they heard each other breathing together. Ellen said, “Don’t worry, Phil. We’ll get through this together. We can cut back on expenses, and I know you’ll get another job. We’re in this together.”

Phil wasn’t the kind of guy who cried, but he felt tears falling down the side of his face, and he held Ellen tighter, breathed a little more easily, and whispered to her, “I knew I married the right person when I married you.”

They realized that Phil would now have more time to spend with their son, Daniel, who needed a ride to school and would also love it if dad could be there at his football practice. “I was so busy at work for all of these years that I missed a lot of Daniel growing up. I now have some time to catch up with him,” Phil told me, a little proud of himself for taking an interest in his son. “You know, now that I have more time to spend with Daniel and with Ellen, I realize that I missed them when I was working. Or, at least, I think now I should have missed them. I’m lucky to have them in my life.” Now that Phil had more time at home he could help with the chores—the shopping, cleaning the house, getting the laundry done.

Phil told me, “Ellen and I wrote out the different things that we needed to do as a family. I hadn’t realized Ellen was carrying the extra burden of a lot of these things that I just took for granted. I guess doing them has helped me appreciate what she’s been doing all these years.”

Seeing your situation from a new perspective

Another couple, Maureen and Lawrence, relied on both of their salaries, and when Maureen lost her job, they both got worried about their finances. Lawrence realized Maureen was feeling anxious and guilty. “I feel I have let you down,” she said to Lawrence. “I want to pull my weight.” Maureen had been doing two jobs for quite some time—doing most of the childcare and homemaking, and working full-time at the office. It was much harder for her to juggle so many things, and Lawrence had tried to be helpful, but a lot of the home responsibilities were falling on her. Lawrence said, “You know, perhaps you need a break from the job for a while. Perhaps you’ve been doing too much. We can cut back on some expenses and you can take some time finding some balance for yourself. In fact, when I think of it, it’s hard to imagine how you have been able to do so much.”

Yes, there are couples who do pull together, who are empathetic, supportive, compassionate, and collaborative, but it’s not easy. You are likely to have your own anxious, and even angry, thoughts if your partner loses a job—and you might have a lot of concerns about how your partner will respond if it is you who finds yourself out of work.

Strengthening your relationship

You and your partner can use this time between jobs to practice the skills to build a better relationship—not just for now, but forever. I’ve seen some couples pull together during this time, using a lot of the skills that I am going to describe in this chapter. They focused on coordinating rather than competing; listening rather than criticizing; solving problems together rather than complaining about having them; and accepting difficulties while still working on them. It’s really up to you. Which direction would you like to go in? If you are ready to make things better, then read on. If you are willing to change the way you communicate, then there is hope. Let’s look at how you and your partner can pull together rather than pushing apart during this time.

1: This is about
all of you

If you have a partner and a family, the experience of unemployment is one for you all to face together. It’s as if one of you is “out there” looking for a job and the other is “in here” waiting for things to change. You and your partner are not living in a parallel universe where you never touch each other. Unemployment has direct effects on a number of factors that affect the family. These include changes in financing and budgeting, time spent together, dividing up work to do for the family unit, being a sympathetic and supportive partner, helping each other maintain and build hope, and brainstorming solutions to make things better.

It’s likely that the period of unemployment will require new adaptations in how you spend money and what you are likely to do—or plan to do. For example, you and your family members may want to keep a budget—and live within it (I discuss this in Chapter Seven). That doesn’t mean you are totally deprived of everything you want, but it may mean that you will all have to consider ways of being more frugal. In fact, these might be good habits to follow after this period is over. You will need to talk about budgeting in a collaborative and respectful way—not in a defensive or accusatory way.

Similarly, you might find yourself spending more time together. If your partner is unemployed, they will be spending some time looking for a job, but it may not be as much time as you might want them to be spending. That’s because there is really just so much that one can do in a day to actively look for a job. So you may realize that your partner is home much more than before, and this might trigger some of your critical thoughts, such as “Why don’t they just get a job?” It’s not as easy to simply wish it to be so. But these critical thoughts may come to you, and it won’t help anyone to start putting down your partner. You’re human and you will naturally feel anxious and angry. You might feel anxious and worried that your partner will never get a job. And you might feel angry, because you are blaming them for the situation. These are normal feelings. But you can also stand back and realize that doing an emotional “dump” on your partner will only make everything worse.

How can each person help?

Let’s think about the changes that each of you can make that might be helpful for the family in coping with this period in between. If the wife is the one who is out of work, what can the husband and children do to help? Can each family member think about ways of budgeting? Are there ways of being supportive to Mom? Can you think of positive and encouraging things to say to her? The same is true if Dad is the one who has lost his job. What can each family member do to be helpful to dad and to the family?

You should have a family conference meeting every week to discuss how to cope together during this time. This is a chance to brainstorm together, solve problems together. For example, Phil and Ellen sat down, first with each other, and later with their kids, to discuss how best to cope during. Phil told Ellen, “Look, I need to keep busy; I can’t just lie around and wait to get a job. So I plan to spend some time every day doing something to look for a job. I can talk to the employment people, get in touch with people I know, look around for possibilities. But that’s not going to take eight or ten hours each day. So try to help me think of things that I could do around the house or for the family that would help, so I will feel like I am of some use.”

Ellen and Phil came up with a list of tasks that he could follow up on. These included taking the kids to school and picking them up, doing the shopping during the week, helping clean the house, paying the bills, and following up on other chores that needed to be done. Phil could also help the kids focus on their homework, read along with them on some of the assignments, and discuss the work they had to do. He wasn’t as “absent” as a father as he was when he was working full time. He had time to be with them.

They put a list on the fridge showing Ellen’s and Phil’s chores, and Phil’s list was a lot longer than Ellen’s. This was actually really good because it helped Phil to stay busy, it gave him a focus every day, both he and Ellen could see that he was making a contribution and the household and family ran more smoothly. I encouraged both of them to look at the list every day and to add (or subtract) tasks. Having the list kept everyone focused on the idea that the family was in this together and that Phil was busy doing his part.

Contrast this with Steven and Amanda. Steven would get up late in the morning, hours after Amanda had left for work. He would walk around in his bathrobe all day, watching television or sitting at his computer surfing websites for nonsense. He didn’t exercise, didn’t help much with the chores, and resented Amanda when she complained. Steven’s response to his day was passivity and rumination, mixed with self-pity. Some of this is natural for people when they are out of work, but these habits began to annoy Amanda, and this led to more arguments and more resentment for both of them. Steven felt that Amanda didn’t understand how hard it was for him, and thought she was just nagging and complaining. And Amanda felt that he had given up on pulling his weight in the family. Amanda felt Steven had given up on his job, his family, and himself.

The choice is always yours. You can change things today—use this list to remind you of how you can approach this time:

•
Try to pull together rather than pulling apart.

•
This is about the entire family, not just one person.

•
Divide up responsibilities and assign tasks.

•
Everyone contributes.

•
Post your tasks and follow up with each other.

•
Have a family conference meeting.

2: Everyone has responsibility

We like to think of ourselves as individuals, facing the rugged challenges of the marketplace, doing it on our own. Our image of ourselves might be as a warrior, who is able to withstand all the travails of nature and, now, the marketplace. But nothing could be further from the truth. Society has been built over the centuries by families who worked together—almost non-stop—who belonged to communities, attended churches, helped out their neighbors, and cared for each other. We are better together than coping apart as individuals without any support.