My head is still hurting at lunch, but Adonna’s talking so much she don’t even notice that I’m in pain. Or that I’m hardly paying any attention to her. We’re sitting at a table together, just the two of us so far, but she’s not even looking at me. She’s looking—no,
staring
—across the cafeteria at this girl Sade.
At least it’s not Nashawn this time.
“Look at her,” she says, and the thing about Adonna is that she don’t try to hide it when she’s looking at somebody. Not even a little bit. “That weave just changed her whole personality. She actually thinks her shit don’t stink no more.”
I rub my head, but at the same time I’m kinda scanning the cafeteria, looking for him. I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I see him, though. Just thinking about that makes my heart race and my head hurt even more. But I’m still looking.
“You see the way she’s flipping her hair back all the time?” Adonna says. “Wish that thing would fall right off her head, I swear.” She laughs.
Normally, I would laugh with her, at least a little bit, but I can’t do it today.
“Her weave
does
look nice, though.” Adonna laughs again. “I’m gonna see if I can get my hair done like that for the summer. What d’ya think? Can you see me at the block party with all that fake hair down my back?”
I close my eyes for a second. Why does Adonna have to always sit right in the middle of the cafeteria where she can see everybody and everybody can see her? Especially today, when I’m already feeling all open and exposed. And with Tanya and the guys still in line buying their food, it’s like I don’t have anybody around to kinda block me out a little.
“You okay?” Adonna finally asks me.
I open my eyes. “I don’t know. I just can’t get rid of this headache, that’s all.”
Adonna stares at me for a long while. “That headache named Renée?”
Across the room, some guys at the table where Nashawn always sits, the baseball team guys, bust out laughing. Nashawn isn’t there, but still, I can’t help but think they’re probably laughing about me, about what I did. And, really, it’s too much to sit here and have to deal with this.
I look over at that table for a few seconds, but none of those guys look back at me, thank God. They’re busy throwing packets of salt and pepper and sugar at each other and ducking and acting wild. Finally, this teacher Mr. Gordon goes over to their table and they start to calm down.
“They are so stupid,” Adonna says. “That whole team is made up of one asshole after another. Well, except Nashawn, of course. He shouldn’t even play baseball. He really should
play basketball or something else just so he won’t have to hang out with those idiots.”
Every ten seconds, I find myself scanning the whole cafeteria, looking for him. I wanna see him, look in his eyes for just a second. Because if I do, I’ll know if he been talking about me, telling everybody everything that happened.
“Baseball players aren’t even all that hot,” Adonna says. “I mean, like one or two, maybe, but basketball players are way hotter with those shorts, and football players with those tight pants that shows off their ass.”
He walks into the cafeteria and stands there by the stack of trays. His eyes go straight to our table, to me, but I have to look away because what if his eyes tell me he been talking about me? What do I do then?
“Why does he always do that?” Adonna asks. “Look over here and not come over and say anything to me. It’s so annoying.”
I can’t help it, but I glance up again. Just long enough to see him leave.
And all of a sudden, I can’t just sit there anymore. I stand up fast.
“Adonna, um, I’m gonna go see if I can get some aspirin from the nurse’s office.” I grab my book bag and the apple juice I never even opened.
“Okay,” she says. “If you don’t come back, I’ll meet you after school.”
I walk away from her, throw my apple juice in the garbage, and leave the cafeteria. Who am I kidding? The nurse never gives out aspirin, and the stupid headache powder I took this morning didn’t help any, anyway. So I just walk down the hall and up the stairs to my locker.
And he’s there, waiting for me.
Without saying anything, I open my combination lock and grab the key off the top shelf of my locker. Then I slam the locker closed and walk away, back toward the staircase. I can feel his eyes on me.
“Hey, where you going?”
“Theater,” I say.
And again I hear him walking behind me, following me just like yesterday. By the time I get to the first floor, he’s walking with me. We don’t talk, but we’re together. I go straight to the side door of the theater and unlock the door. It’s dark and quiet in there, and the set looks kinda dead now. Looking at it makes me feel even sadder because at least I had the play. But not anymore. It’s just one more thing that’s gone now.
Nashawn follows me inside and pulls the door closed behind him. Then we go backstage to the girls’ dressing room, the only one with a lock. As soon as we’re inside and the door’s closed, Nashawn is pressing me up against the wall and we’re kissing real hard and I can’t even remember to breathe. It’s like yesterday never ended, that we been like this since then. And still I can’t get enough.
“You still need to be an um-virgin?” he asks after a couple of minutes, whispering in my ear.
“No,” I tell him. “I don’t care.” I’m feeling kinda dizzy. The way his hands are on me, reaching under my shirt and unhooking my bra, I can’t even think straight right now.
Then he’s taking off my shirt and my bra and he’s saying over and over, “You are so hot. So beautiful.” And he’s kissing my neck and my shoulders.
What he’s doing with his lips and his hands feels so good, it
takes me awhile to force myself back to reality. “No, I can’t,” I say. “My grandmother—”
But that don’t stop him for a second. He kisses my ear and says, “We can do it the other way.”
“I don’t know—” I say, but my voice comes out kinda shaky because I don’t even know what he means. Not that it really matters, because no way am I gonna stop now. “The other way?”
“Here.” His hands go straight for my butt. “Your grandmother won’t know.” Then when I don’t say anything for a few seconds, he says, “C’mon, girl. I want you so bad it’s not even funny. Do I have to beg?”
That gets me to smile, but only a little. “Are you sure? I mean, it’s okay like that?”
“Come here.” Nashawn takes my hand and leads me over to the couch that’s still covered with costumes. He pushes everything to the floor. And then we’re sitting down and he’s taking off the rest of my clothes and then his own, and he’s putting on a condom, and he’s kissing me the whole time.
Pretty soon I’m closing my eyes and letting him do whatever he wants. I try not to think about the pain. I just try to relax like he keeps telling me to do. And I focus on how good his hands feel around me and the way his body is connecting to mine. And I don’t want it to end. Because right now I know I’m all he’s thinking about.
About forty minutes later, right at the beginning of sixth period, I actually make it to the nurse’s office. Only I don’t want an aspirin. I want permission to leave school early.
I sit on the wooden bench and listen as the nurse talks to Kenny on the phone. “She’s going to leave now,” she tells him. “Please call the school when she gets home, just to let us know she arrived safely.”
I can’t believe they’re treating me like I’m still in middle school or something.
The nurse hangs up the phone. “Okay, Kendra. Your father says he’ll be looking out for you. I hope you feel better.”
“Thanks,” I say, keeping my head down.
I walk outta the office, then outta the school.
Besides the headache, I’m not feeling anything.
When I get back to Bronxwood, I try walking past Kenny’s truck again, fast, so I can get to my building without facing him.
Of course, he sees me. He probably been waiting for me, just like he told the nurse he would. Besides, the man never misses a thing.
“Babe,” he calls out from one of the windows. “Slow down.”
I try to wave at him and keep walking like I did last night, but I know he’s not gonna let me get away that easy.
“Girl, come over here and let me make sure you okay,” he says. “The school got me all worried about you.”
It’s hard to ignore him even though all I wanna do is get in the tub, then go to sleep. I stop walking, take a deep breath, and tell myself I can do this. I can talk to him for a few minutes. He won’t find out anything.
I walk across the street to the back of the truck and step inside. Right away Kenny’s giving me a hug, but I pull away after a few seconds. I just can’t take any more touching today. Any kinda touching.
“I couldn’t believe the school was calling me, telling me you not feeling good and you wanna leave early. What’s the matter?”
I can’t look at him. I have to keep my eyes away from his. “My head,” I whisper. “And my stomach.”
“Oh, I got just what you need.”
Not only does Kenny sell junk food and soda, he sells those little packets of aspirin and cold medicine, too. He grabs a pack of Alka-Seltzer, then a little tiny bottle of Poland Spring from one of the refrigerators. Before I can say anything, he’s opening the packet, breaking up the tablets, and sticking them through the little opening in the bottle. The water bubbles up and almost spills over the top. “Here. Drink fast.”
I don’t even know why, but I take a sip of the foamy water. Probably because I know he’s trying to help. But it tastes so nasty, like salt water, only worse, that I practically gag. “Kenny, I don’t need this. It’s not that kinda stomachache.”
He takes the bottle outta my hand. “Girl problem?”
I nod ’cause I know that’s gonna stop the questions.
“Okay…alright. Okay. Um, you need anything?”
“No. I just wanna lay down for a little while.” I look up at him real quick. “And, you know, sleep.”
“Okay,” he says again, looking at me, worried. “I’m gonna call you later, make sure my little girl’s alright.”
I force myself to smile a little bit. “Okay.” He gives me another hug, and he don’t let me get outta it so fast this time. In his arms, I smell the strong Lever soap he been using forever, and I feel so guilty and stupid and embarrassed, I can’t help but start crying. I been holding the tears in for more than an hour, and I can’t stop them now.
“Whoa, what’s the matter, Babe?”
“Don’t call me that,” I say, holding on to him tighter. “I’m not a baby anymore.”
Kenny breaks away from me and looks me in the eye, and when I try to look away, he puts both hands on the sides of my face and makes me look at him. “What’s wrong, Babe? And don’t say ‘nothing,’ ’cause I know it’s something.”
I stand there crying and crying, not saying anything, and luckily Ms. Lucas from Building D comes up to the truck and asks for a pack of Newport, so Kenny has to let go of me. “Don’t move,” he tells me, then grabs a pack of cigarettes from one of the shelves. I stand there for a few seconds, listening while he talks to Ms. Lucas and makes change for her, but I know I can’t talk to him about anything. I can’t do it.
So with Kenny’s back turned, I slip outta the back door real quiet. I hate doing it to him, but I have to. I really need to be alone right now.
“Babe, you awake?” Nana opens the door to my bedroom without knocking, as usual. “Here. Kenny’s on the phone.”
She comes inside over to the bed and hands me the cordless. I put the phone to my ear, say hi, and wait for Nana to leave, but she just stands there.
“How you feeling?” Kenny asks me. “You better?”
“A little,” I say, sitting up. I look over at the alarm clock on my night table, and it’s almost seven. “I guess I just needed some sleep, that’s all,” I tell him.
When I left Kenny’s truck, I came upstairs and took a long hot bath, crying practically the whole time, then went straight to bed. I think I just wanted to be out cold so I could forget about everything. At least for a little while.
“’Cause the way you cut out on me today—”
“I’m sorry, Kenny. I was just feeling sick to my stomach and I wanted to get home.”
“You sure that’s it? ’Cause the way you was crying, I thought maybe something happened. ’Cause you know if somebody
tried something with you, all you gotta do is tell me and I’ll take care of him. You know that, right?”
“I know.” I glance up at Nana, but this time she’s looking at the sketches I have on my desk, the one I did for Theater Design and the houses and the floor plans I do just for myself. “I’m okay. Oh, yeah, did you call the school to tell them I got home?”
“Yeah, they know. But me and you, we still gonna talk, you hear me?”
I tell him okay and try not to give anything away because Nana’s looking at me again, outta the corner of her eye.
“Hold on, Babe,” Kenny says. “My pinhead sister wanna talk to you.” I hear him call Adonna and, while I wait, I cover the mouthpiece and ask Nana if she wants anything.
“I want to know why they called Kenny when you were sick and not me.”
“He’s my father,” I say.
Nana sucks her teeth. “No school ever called him before. Now all of a sudden—”
“They wanted me to call someone who was gonna be home, so they could make sure I got home okay.”
“How’d they get his number?”
“I gave it to them.”
“Well, I’m going to be calling that school tomorrow and let them people know who to call next time they need to get ahold of somebody.”
“Kendra, what happened to you?” Adonna asks me when she gets on the phone. “I was waiting for you in front of the school. Then that girl Tracy with the stretch marks on her neck, she said she saw you in the nurse’s office, and you left early. You still got that headache?”
“Yeah.” It feels weird keeping things from Adonna, but I’m not really lying, not about being sick. “And then my stomach started hurting, too.”
“Man, you probably got the flu or something.”
“No, I think I’m better now.” For some reason, Nana finally walks outta my room. Don’t know if she heard enough or if I’m just boring her or something. “What are you doing?” I ask Adonna.
“Chem homework. Wait ’til next year when you have to deal with this shit.” She lowers her voice a little and says, “Guess who tried to step to me today?” She don’t wait for me to guess. “Nashawn Webb.”
I stop breathing.
“He walked up to me outside Mr. Pollack’s class, and it was so funny ’cause you could tell he had to work up the nerve to talk to me, and he goes, ‘Hey, Adonna. Lookin’ good like you always do.’ And I was like, what happened to him that he’s finally saying something to me like we’re friends all of a sudden?”
“Did he say, um, anything else?”
“No, not really. We talked for a couple minutes, though. He was asking me why I never come to any of the baseball games, that kinda thing. Nothing serious. I kept thinking he was gonna ask me out ’cause he looked like he was trying to, but he didn’t.”
“Oh,” I say.
“That’s all you got to say, ‘oh’?” Adonna asks, and I can hear how excited she is, that he finally talked to her after all this time.
But I can’t even talk anymore. “No, I just…never mind.”
“But you should have seen the way he looked at me,
Kendra.” Adonna giggles like a little girl. “Like you could tell what he had on his mind ’cause he couldn’t hide it.”
I need to get off the phone. Right now. “You know what, Adonna? I gotta go. My stomach’s starting to hurt again.” And it is. For real. I hit the
OFF
button on the phone before even saying good-bye, get outta bed, and run down the hall. But I don’t make it all the way to the bathroom. The next thing I know, I’m bending over and throwing up on the carpet. And all over my bare feet. I really am sick now.