It’s a mistake and I know it. But still, after school I’m doing it, walking down the hall to my locker to get the books I need.
And
to meet Nashawn.
At first I don’t see him, and my mind starts coming up with all kinda reasons, like maybe Adonna called his cell phone from home and they made plans of their own. Or maybe he just changed his mind about me.
I bend down and sort through the junk at the bottom of my locker. I take Adonna’s shoes and umbrella and magazines and throw them out onto the floor. I don’t care who takes them, either. Because I’ve had enough. I pull out my stupid algebra book and my bio study guide, and right before I close the locker, I get a tap on my shoulder. I look up and it’s him, but I don’t wanna look at him too long because the hall is crowded and I know everybody is probably looking at me after what happened yesterday. I definitely don’t want them seeing me talking to Nashawn, thinking I’m going after him again now that Adonna been suspended.
“You running a flea market or something?” Nashawn asks.
“It’s your girlfriend’s stuff,” I say, and my voice is definitely sharper than it was a couple of hours ago.
Nashawn bends down next to me and starts shoving all of Adonna’s stuff in his locker.
Looking out for his woman
. And I don’t know what happened to me between lunch and now, but I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about this whole “meet me after school” thing. I mean, it’s one thing to spend a few minutes alone with him in the dressing room, but leaving school with him and doing I-don’t-know-what, it just isn’t sitting right with me anymore. Because I know I’m gonna be the one getting hurt here.
I stand up and start to walk away, and he slams his locker closed and follows me just like he did that first time when we ended up in the teachers’ lounge. This girl Tracy is coming from the stairs and first she looks at me, then at Nashawn, and then at me again. Her face says it all. She’s thinking I should be ashamed or something. And all I know is, I’m getting tired of this already.
I run-walk down the stairs, and when I get to the landing between the first and second floor, Nashawn catches up to me and reaches out to grab my arm, but I don’t let him.
“What?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I say and keep going down the steps.
On the first floor, I walk down the hall toward the front door—but, no, I don’t wanna walk down the steps in front of the school after what happened out there yesterday. So I turn around and head toward the side door near the theater. Nashawn walks next to me and I know he’s confused by the way I’m acting, but I’m confused by him, too. Like, he’s supposed to be
with Adonna and still he don’t seem to care if half the school sees him trying to get with me.
In the little hallway near the door, Nashawn says, “Slow down, c’mon.” And he finally grabs hold of my arm and stops me from moving. I try to pull myself away from him, but I can’t. He’s not letting me go.
So finally, after I give up, I turn to look at him and his eyes meet mine for a second. And even though I don’t wanna feel it, that look is kinda like a kiss between us. It’s quick and sweet and exciting.
“What about Adonna?” I ask.
“What about her?”
“Wrong answer,” I say, pulling free from him and pushing the door open.
He lets me walk ahead of him for a little while. Then he’s back at my side again. “Let me drive you home,” he says. “I still wanna talk to you, remember?”
There are a lot of kids out there, walking down the street or hanging around talking. Not as many as in the front of the school, but enough to mind my business. And I just don’t want them thinking I’m like this. “Nashawn,” I start, but I don’t know what to say next. I wanna tell him that I don’t want him driving me home, that I don’t even wanna talk to him anymore.
And I
would
say that, too, but there’s something about being alone that’s getting to me. If I let him go now, I’m gonna get on that train by myself, and when I get home I’m just gonna end up sitting there alone. Even when Renée comes home,
if
she don’t go out with her friends, me and her aren’t gonna talk, either. Not really.
We still haven’t talked since Dunkin’ Donuts. And
yesterday I know she was mad at me for fighting with Adonna, but she didn’t even talk to me about what happened or anything. Even Nana would have done that. Well,
after
she finished yelling and telling me how I’m never gonna be allowed to leave the apartment again because obviously I don’t know how to act in public.
Actually, I don’t know which is better.
Nashawn grabs my hand and starts massaging my fingers through his. It don’t take me long to give him an answer.
“Okay,” I say. “You can drive me.” And actually, I do wanna hear what he has to say to me.
As we’re driving, I stare at the side of his face as he concentrates on the road. There’s something about him, not just his cute face and perfect body. There’s something else that makes him so hard to resist. Something in his eyes.
My mind is so caught up in thinking about him, it takes me a few minutes to notice that Nashawn’s driving in the direction of Bronxwood. “Um, Nashawn,” I say.
He glances over at me for a second. “Yeah?”
“I forgot to tell you. I moved on Saturday.”
He slows the car down and pulls up against the curb in front of a grocery store. “You moved?”
“Yeah. In with my mother. To Harlem.”
He shrugs. “Okay, no problem.”
“You don’t have to drive me home if it’s too far. You can just tell me whatever you wanna say right here. I mea—”
Nashawn leans over and kisses me, stopping me from rambling on and on. The kiss is long and intense, and both of us are breathing hard and heavy. When it’s over and his body moves away from mine a little, I can already feel the space between us
now and I don’t like it. “I wanna go to your house,” I say, but my voice is really shaky. “Please.”
Nashawn looks like he don’t know what’s going on with me. But he don’t say anything. He just makes a U-turn and starts driving in the other direction while I look outta the window.
I really don’t know why I’m so shaky, because I do wanna be alone with Nashawn again. I do. I definitely don’t wanna go home. That’s for sure.
“Where are we going?” I ask, seeing that we’re heading toward the highway, which I know we didn’t take last time I went to his house.
“I’m taking you home. But you’re gonna have to tell me what street you live on or I’m just gonna keep driving around and around. And gas prices are—”
“I thought we were—I don’t wanna go home.”
“I know,” he says. “But I don’t wanna go home, neither.”
I turn around, and the look on his face is sadder than I ever saw it. He’s looking straight ahead, but now his eyes seem heavier or something. A second later he glances over at me real fast and asks, “You okay?”
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “Are
you
?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he says, but I’m not really believing him.
I reach out and touch his hand on the steering wheel. “What did you wanna talk to me about?”
“I wanna talk to you about Adonna,” he says as we merge onto the highway.
Adonna
.
Just hearing her name, it feels like I been punched again. Only not by her this time, by my own guilt or something. It’s like all of a sudden she’s in the car with us, because I can’t stop thinking about her. About what I did to her.
Nashawn must be thinking about her, too, because for a while we drive without talking. I look outta the window thinking—
knowing
—I shouldn’t be here with him. Not that it’s really about him. Because it’s not. It’s about me. But no matter what I feel about him, it’s not right.
He should be with her
.
All the way to Convent Avenue, me and Nashawn hardly talk, except for me trying to help him find the right places to turn. Deep down I’m kinda hoping this trip will take longer than it is, because it’s hard to think about not being with him anymore, even though we were hardly ever together. Not really. It’s just hard to think that he’ll be with Adonna instead of me.
We pull up in front of the brownstone and Nashawn turns
off the engine even though I just wanna get outta the car as fast as possible and not even have to listen to him talk.
About Adonna
. I mean, I already know what he’s gonna say.
So I tell him, “Thanks for driving me,” and reach for the door handle.
But Nashawn reaches over and grabs my hand, stopping me. “Wait.”
I sigh. “I know what you wanna say and I—”
“Hey, why don’t you let a man talk?”
I give him a look. “
Man?
”
“Okay, okay, let’s not get into that again.” He smiles, looking right into my eyes.
And that’s all it takes to get me to stay where I am.
Nashawn now has my hand in between both of his. “What I wanted to say is, ‘Sorry.’ I feel bad ’cause you and Adonna’s friendship is messed up, and it’s a hundred percent my fault.”
“It is not,” I say. “It’s my fault. Why do you think—?”
“Let me talk,” he says, moving closer to me, as close as he can in that little tiny car. “That day, the Sunday when you were leaving the play and I was coming from the game, when me and you, you know, hooked up, I thought it was just, I don’t know, like, fun. That’s what I thought. And that’s what I thought you wanted. Fun.”
I can’t look him in the eyes anymore, because what he’s saying is killing me. It hurts so bad to know that I meant nothing to him except a good time. “You don’t have to say this, Nashawn. I get that already.”
He leans over to kiss me, just a quick one on the lips. “Every time you talk when I’m supposed to be talking, I’m gonna kiss you.”
It’s hard not to smile, but I don’t. “Go on.”
“Okay. What I was saying is this—I know you think I was using you, and in a way I was, but I didn’t know I was using you ’til Friday.”
I open my mouth to say something, but he’s already kissing me. When he pulls away, I say, “I didn’t say anything.”
“You were gonna.”
“That’s not fair,” I say.
“Okay, you get to talk one time with no kiss, but then after that, we go back to the kiss rule.”
“Fine.”
“
That
was your one time.” He smirks, and it’s so hard to keep my hands off of him. Really hard. “Now, as I was saying, when a girl like you lets a guy like me, you know…” He’s looking for the right word and what he comes up with is, “hit it, of course I’m gonna do it. You’re hot.”
I roll my eyes because I know I’m not hot, but I don’t say anything.
“I was just thinking it was…” He shakes his head. “Well, I wasn’t thinking. Then on Friday, when you started crying and you left my house like that—”
“That wasn’t your fault,” I say, getting embarrassed. “I mean, when we were,
you know
, I thought it meant something to you and then when Adonna called, I knew you wanted to answer, and that’s okay because I know you like her, but—”
“I don’t like her,” he says, and leans over to kiss me again, which I was kinda waiting for. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” he says. “I don’t like Adonna. I like you.” And he kisses me again.
But this isn’t one of those you-interrupted-me-so-I’m-gonna-kiss-you-to-shut-you-up kinda kisses. This one is real. It’s takes awhile for it to end, and I’m the one that pulls my lips away first, not because it’s not good but because I don’t understand. “What do you mean?” I wanna know for real if he likes me or if he just likes
hitting it
?
“I like you,” he says again. “You.”
I take my time looking at his face, his mouth and his eyes, checking to see if any part of him will give him away and let me know he’s not telling me the truth. But what I see is straightforward and real. He means what he’s saying. “But why didn’t you tell me? Why did you go out with Adonna? And then yesterday I saw you and her in the hall together. I, I don’t get it.”
He shakes his head. “Me, neither. But all I can say is, it’s hard being a guy sometimes. I mean, I’m gonna be honest with you. The only reason I went out with Adonna is because of how she looks.”
I feel a sharp pain in my whole body when he says that. I don’t know why. I mean, it’s not like he’s the first guy to notice Adonna in that way, but he just told me he likes me, yet and still, he’s still thinking about the way Adonna looks.
“I went out with her for that, and because I knew she liked me. And when a girl likes you, a girl like that, as a guy it’s hard to pass that kinda thing up. I’m just being honest.”
I nod, like what he’s saying isn’t bothering me.
“But by Friday when you left my house, I could tell you had feelings for me and I didn’t want you to go because I already knew I was starting to like you, too, so it was hard even going out with Adonna on Saturday. And that was the worst date I
ever had.” He starts laughing. “Damn, that girl is hard to put up with, one on one. We went to Bay Plaza and we started walking around before the movie started and she was taking me past all the clothes stores and telling me what kinda clothes she likes on guys. And the stuff she was showing me was like eighty-dollar T-shirts and two-hundred-dollar jeans. And I’m not even gonna talk about the sneakers she likes.” He’s still laughing and shaking his head. “I would have to sell my car to afford them.”
Even I have to laugh with him, because Adonna is kinda crazy about all that stuff.
“All through the movie I was thinking about you,” Nashawn says. “And after, she wanted to go eat something and I was thinking, like, I can’t take any more of this. So I told her I had to get home to feed my dog, you know, the one I don’t have, and I took her home. And when I was walking her to her building, she was talking to me about what we could do together next week, and I was feeling bad because I couldn’t figure out how to get outta this without hurting her, especially because I wanted to start going out with you, and you and her are family. You know?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“So Monday I dodged her all day and she left me two messages on my cell after school, but I never called her back. Then on Tuesday she saw me in the hall and she was talking and talking and talking, so finally I told her right there that I like her but as a friend, but that I already like somebody else. And when she asked me who, I didn’t wanna tell her, but she guessed it was you, and when I didn’t say anything, she knew she was right. Then, after school, that’s when she tried to jump you.” He looks away from me. “I didn’t know about it ’til it was over, but
somebody came over to us at practice and told us what happened, and of course I felt like shit because I knew if I didn’t tell her, she wouldn’t have done that to you. You know, I messed up.”
“It is a mess,” I say, “but we’re not your problem, me and Adonna. We’re the ones that’s gonna have to work it out, not you. And not now.”
“C’mon,” Nashawn says. “Let’s walk around the block or something. All this talking is making me feel like I’m, I don’t know, the emotional type.” He laughs.
We get outta the car and right away he grabs my hand. And we walk down the block together holding hands and I really like this, being out in front of other people this way. We’re at the corner when I say to him, “I think I was kinda using you, too.”
He don’t say anything, but when I look up at him I can tell he’s listening.
“I had a lot going on at home. My mother and grandmother, and I thought both of them didn’t really want me or anything. And I think I just wanted to be with somebody. But then it wasn’t just somebody I wanted to be with.” I take a deep breath, feeling kinda scared to say what I’m about to say, like I’m opening myself up too much or something. But I say it, anyway. “It was you. I only wanted to be with you.”
Me and Nashawn kiss, and I think about what Nana would say if she saw the two of us standing here together, holding hands and kissing right here on the sidewalk. But to me, it feels like the right thing to do, and I’m glad we’re doing it.
When we finish our walk around the block, we do it again and then again, walking and talking and kissing, in our own
world or something. Finally, as we come around to my brownstone for, like, the fourth time, we see Renée sitting on the steps out front. And she’s not dressed for work, so she must have changed already. “Are you two going to keep walking around in circles all afternoon?” she asks, smiling the whole time.
“The block is rectangular,” I say, giggling a little bit. “And you weren’t there before.”
“I was watching y’all from the window.”
We go up the steps and sit next to her, me in between the two of them. I introduce Nashawn to Renée and ask her why she’s home so early. “I had a lot of reading to do, so I brought it all home,” she says. She lifts her head so she can soak up some of the sun. “Isn’t is beautiful today?”
Nashawn looks at me and says, “Yeah, it is.”
I smile.
“Gerard’s on his way over,” Renée says, “and he’s bringing pizza with him.” She tells Nashawn, “You have to stay. This is the best pizza you’ll ever eat.” She looks really excited and I’m wondering if it has more to do with Gerard or the pizza.
Nashawn don’t put up a fight and for a while we sit out there with her, talking about nothing, really, just killing time and enjoying the sun. Meanwhile, Nashawn hasn’t let go of my hand and I can feel myself inside starting to relax because maybe everything will work out okay between us.
When Gerard arrives, he rushes up the stairs with a large pizza box in his hands. “C’mon, y’all. It’s still hot.” He gives Renée a kiss and says, “You playing hooky today?”
“I was working from home,” she says.
“Yeah, right.” He laughs.
We all go inside and up to our apartment. And it’s not ’til
we get inside and get the paper plates out and the pizza box open that we see what it is, and to me it don’t even look like pizza, because it has mashed potatoes and cheese and bacon and tomatoes and bits of green stuff all over it.
“What is
that
?” I ask, and me and Nashawn exchange looks.
Gerard takes a slice out and puts it on my plate, and it just sits there like a big mess. “Taste it,” he says.
“Not ’til you tell me what it is!”
Renée elbows me outta the way and grabs a piece for herself. “It’s called Loaded Potato Pizza. Gerard and I discovered it at this little hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Hoboken. And after one bite, oh, my God, we were in love!” She leans over her plate and takes a big bite, and even as she’s chewing she’s smiling so big I can’t stop myself from trying it, and she is so right about it. I don’t know if I’d really call it pizza, but whatever it is, it’s good.
For the next twenty minutes, we don’t talk. All we do it eat. Renée and Gerard sit at the table, and me and Nashawn sit on the futon with our pizza on the coffee tables. And I’m real happy being here with Nashawn and everybody, even though I still can’t really believe it’s happening.
Then, when we’re all too full to eat any more, Gerard asks Nashawn to help him move the bookcase over to the other side of the room. And while they’re doing that, Gerard starts asking him questions, and I’m wondering if this whole thing wasn’t just an excuse to interrogate Nashawn, like he’s someone Gerard just arrested or something. But at the same time, I kinda like that Gerard is looking out for me like this, making sure Nashawn is okay.
So while me and Renée clean up, which takes about thirty
seconds, I listen to what Nashawn is saying and again I see how much I don’t know about him. Like, I find out about how Nashawn really wants to go to Morehouse College in Atlanta and play baseball for them, and how his grades are good, but he’s not sure if they’re good enough. And when Gerard asks him about his mom and dad, I find out that his mom works for an insurance company in the city, and his dad died when he was three.
Then Nashawn says something that really hits me. Just as they’re finishing moving the bookcase, he says, “My mom’s over in the Middle East right now, you know, with the Army Reserve. Her unit got deployed in March and she’s gonna be there for a year. At least.” And he gets that same sad look on his face that he got in the car. When he told me he didn’t wanna go home.
“I didn’t know that,” I say, going over next to him and grabbing his hand. It’s like I feel sorry for him and kinda guilty for never really asking about her.
“Yeah,” he says. “I don’t like to talk about it all the time? Not too much.”
I nod, and I wanna hug him and kiss him, but I don’t wanna do it in front of Renée and Gerard. Here I am living with my mother finally and he’s away from his.
A little while later, Renée puts on some makeup and a pair of high heels and she tells me that her and Gerard are going out for a little while. “We’re just going for a quick drink,” she says. “I’m coming right back.
Right back
. Hint. Hint.”
“Very funny,” I say and try to look and sound real innocent. “You guys can take your time. Have fun. You don’t have to rush back for us.”
Anyway, I know what she’s doing. She’s testing me. Trying to see if I meant it when I said I wasn’t gonna do anything anymore.
She probably thinks me and Nashawn are just like her and Kenny were when they were our age. But we’re not.
I’m not gonna let us be.