Kilgannon (19 page)

"Aye." He started to say something, then pressed his lips together. There seemed nothing else for me to say then. He'd gotten my letter and chosen to ignore it. I nodded. "Lass," he said, his voice gentle. "I thought I was doing the best thing by not responding to ye. I thought ye wanted me out of yer life and that it was for the best."

"So I wrote to you because I wanted you out of my life?" He made a futile gesture. "It made sense at the time." "You were still hurt."

He met my eyes, then nodded. "Aye, and fair angry as well." "And now?"

He looked over my head. His cheekbone stood out in sharp relief against the dark shutter behind him. "I've not been angry for some time, Mary."

"Alex, why are you here?" I almost whispered the question.

"Why am I here?" Blue eyes met mine. "Will wrote that ye've starting seeing Robert again and that yer considering marrying him. And he wrote me about Robert's mother asking him to wait until June." He paused as his cheeks colored. "To be sure that ye were not carrying my child. I canna tell ye how angry I was then and... and it was then that I stopped lying to myself. So I thought I'd come and see ye and discover where we stand. We dinna part on the best of terms, lass, if ye remember. But I've been to London and Grafton and Mountgarden looking for ye and used up all my time. I must go home now." My eyes filled with tears and I could not speak. He moved closer and his tone was tender. "Mary, why do ye cry? Have I made ye angry again? I dinna mean to make ye cry."

"No." I shook my head. "No, I'm not angry. Oh, Alex, I missed you so." I could not say more, and his arms flew around me. I clung to him, my face buried in his shoulder.

"
Mary
, Mary," he said into my hair. "I had to see ye once more. We must talk. I couldna believe it when Robert's man said ye wouldna see me." He leaned back to look into my face and brushed the hair back from my cheek.

"I would never refuse to see you," I said. "I did not know you were coming. I saw Angus and Matthew in front of the house and I came to find you."

He kissed my forehead gently. "Come, lass, come sit with me." He led the way to the chairs pulled in front of the empty fireplace. "I kent you were here for several more days and by the time ye returned to London I would be gone, so, Campbell or no, I came to talk to ye." He glanced at the door. "Ye heard Robert and me arguing?" I nodded. He leaned back, the lost expression on his face again. "Despite what I said to him, he's correct about much of it. I dinna ken what to do now," he said softly. He stared at the floor, deep in thought, and I watched him for several minutes.

"Alex?" I said at last. "Do you care for me at all?"

His head lifted. "Do I care for ye? Mary, have I not been proposing since the night we met? Have I not had the devil of a time keeping my hands off ye? Have I not told ye how I love ye?" I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. "No? I havena? No? Truly? Well, I do." He knelt in front of my chair and took my hands in his. "Mary Lowell, I love ye, lass, and I suspect I always will. How is it ye dinna ken this? Have I not told ye in every way? Curse me for a fool if ye dinna ken it."

"And I love you, Alex. I have from the first, but I didn't know what you intended. You never said you loved me. You never proposed."

"I mentioned it fifty times. Ye never said yes, and I was beginning to bore myself. I told ye I was courting ye. I thought ye kent my mind. What did ye think I meant by that if not marriage?"

"You mentioned marriage, yes. Proposed, no."

"How could ye not know how I feel? I've been miserable these last
month’s
thinking of ye with Robert, thinking that's what ye wanted for yer life. I couldna get ye out of my mind."

"Nor I you." I pressed my hand to my mouth and tried to force back the tears. "Alex, I missed you so—"

His arms were around me then, and he lifted me against him as he stood. "Mary," he said into my neck, "I couldna stop thinking about ye, about yer beautiful body and ..." He raised his head to watch me. "And about how ye responded to me." I felt my cheeks go scarlet. "No, lass," he said, shaking his head. "Dinna think badly of yerself. It's a good thing. I'm thinking it bodes well for us. But, Mary, I dreamed of ye, of having ye in bed and of finishing what we began on the brig." He kissed me then, deeply and completely, and I met him in kind. "Mary," he said, almost savagely, and lifted me against him, then shook his head and stepped back. "I canna do this, lass." He moved away from me, straightening his clothing and taking deep breaths.

"You cannot kiss me, Alex?"

"I canna stop, Mary. If we go on I willna. It's best we stop here." He ran his hands through his hair and looked at the fireplace. I brushed my own hair into some order, then smoothed my dress, still feeling the warm, exciting sensations Alex's intimate caresses had evoked. I pressed my hands to my cheeks and found them flaming. My whole body was hot, and I threw open the window. Behind me, Alex laughed wryly.

"There's only one solution for this, Mary lass, and this is neither the time nor the place." He moved closer. "But at least we ken ye'll be an apt student."

"I beg your pardon," I said primly, and he laughed again. I watched the weight of his cares lift for just a moment and thought, This man loves me. He has killed for me, and right now I'd kill for him. It was a sobering thought. There were parts of me I'd not known. "Alex," I said, "must you leave?"

He nodded. "I have no choice, lass. I must get home. But I will return if
you’d
have me. Ye ken that."

"I know no such thing," I said, taking his hands in mine.

"Mary, have I not told ye from the first day? It will be as ye wish. If ye wish me to return, I will. If not, I won't."

"How can you say you love me if
you’d
leave me so easily?"

He shook his head. "Yer a one. I dinna say it would be easy to leave ye. I said I'd do it if that's what ye wished. I'll no' beg ye to love me if ye don't, Mary. I dinna beg. But I'll love ye 'til I die. It's that simple. Now why are ye crying?"

"I'm happy." I tried to smile.

He shook his head in wonder. "Yer happy."

I nodded. "Oh, Alex, why do you have to go? Why can you not stay here, at least for a few days?"

"With Robert Campbell? I dinna think
he’d
invite me."

"No," I said. "In London. No, not in London," I corrected myself, and met his eyes. "Someone in London does not wish you well. Stay with us at Mountgarden."

He shook his head. "I canna, lass, much as I'd like to. If I had my way I'd steal ye off with me, but I canna do that either. Ye dinna like it much last time I tried that." He gave me a crooked smile. "I must go home. I've some sorting out to do." He frowned at himself. "Ye ken that things have been difficult for us lately. Strange things have been happening."

"What things?"

"Well, do ye not think it strange that the first time I charter a ship to another captain it goes down without a trace? We spent weeks in Cornwall trying to discover what happened, and we're no closer to the truth. We could find nothing except for the three crewmen who swear she sank, and they each tell different stories. How do I ken the boat even sank? It could be in the Mediterranean for all I ken. I'm still puzzling it out."

"Someone knows."

"Aye. Someone does. I'll discover it eventually."

"That's why you have to leave?" "Not just that." He sighed and looked above my head. 'There was a problem at home. It's trouble in the clan, Mary."

"First your boat and now this. You've had a difficult month."

"Aye," he sighed. "Not a few weeks I'd like to repeat. But" —he straightened his shoulders—" I have no choice. I must be there. I should have left a week ago."

"What is it, Alex? Surely it cannot be as bad as you think. Tell me and I will judge for myself."

He shook his head and looked at me, his eyes very blue. "I am a fool for telling ye this, Mary Lowell. I'm verra afraid it will cost me ye. I want ye to ken I love ye, lass, and despite what Robert Campbell says, I dinna have a clan full of savages."

"What is it, Alex?"

"One of the clansmen was murdered in his house." "No! How horrible! Who—"

"I dinna ken, lass, and that is why I have to go home at once. I will find the murderers."

I stared at him in horror. "Dear God! This is terrible." "Aye." He watched my reaction.

"What will you do?" "I must go home and sort it out, lass. It's
no’ something
I'm looking forward to doing, but only I can do it. So I canna stay. I will discover the truth of it, and I will punish whoever did it."

"How will you punish them?"

"We'll try them, and if they're guilty we'll hang them."

I stared at him. "
You’d
put them to death?"

"Perhaps." He met my look unflinchingly.

"You can do this? You have that power?"

"The power and the responsibility, Mary. When a clansman is killed I have to act. I canna allow such lawlessness. We would be savages if such a thing were unpunished." I shook my head to clear it. If I were to marry him, what kind of life would I be going to? Was Robert right? Alex's life was far more violent than any I'd known, I thought, remembering him killing the men in the coach. He moved toward me now, his hands extended. I took them and looked up at him as he spoke. "Mary, it's no' always like this. But with all of this happening in just the last few months, I. ... Mary, it is no' always like this," he added, his tone miserable.

"I see." I paused, looking at the haunted look in
his
eyes. "Our lives have been very different, Alex."

"They have been."

His expression was guarded as he stood there, watching me. He seemed to be calm, but I knew he was as aware as I that the next few moments could change our relationship forever. I watched a vein throb at his throat as I reflected. Was I simply full of brave talk, or was I willing to take all of his life, and not just those portions I understood? Was I willing to trust his judgment? Was I sure he was the man I thought he was? I knew he was a good man, and if I told him to, he would leave me now and I would never see him again. I would marry Robert and have a very safe life, a life with few surprises. A life of comfort and wealth, among my friends and family. A life without Alex. I raised my chin.

"I love you, Alex," I said, and watched his expression lighten. "Can't you send Angus to see what he can discover?"

Alex shrugged and almost smiled. "Angus willna leave me alone. He thinks he needs to be at my side."

"Is he always this protective?"

Alex shook his head. "He thinks I was poisoned in France."

I stared at him. "When you were so sick?"

"Aye." He frowned down at our hands.

"So do I." His head snapped up as he looked at me. "No one is that sick for four days after a bad meal. Your skin was gray, Alex. You were very ill and no one else was."

"Aye, but bad food can do that." "Angus is right."

"I am not convinced." "Who would do such a thing?"

He looked at me without expression. "Hatred runs deep in the Highlands, lass. The MacGannons have enemies, as does any clan."

"How many of them are in France, Alex? Only the Stewarts."

"I canna believe anyone was trying to harm me," he said, lifting his chin as he met my eyes. "I willna believe it."

"Could it have been the Stewarts?"

He laughed. "Why would they? I'm not so important, lass. They dinna even ken I exist. No, the Stewarts dinna try to kill me."

"Then who?"

"I dinna ken. But be assured I will find out. Mary, it's no' always like this. And I ken that saying that doesna make ye understand. Yer right to be wary of me just now, I'm thinking." He sighed. "Shall I come back and see ye again, Mary, or shall I say farewell now?"

I stared at him. "Alex, I don't want you to leave this room, let alone the country! I'm afraid to let you go; I'm afraid I'll never see you again. I love you, Alex MacGannon," I said. "We'll sort it out together."

He smiled tenderly. "I was hoping
you’d
say that."

"I love you." I reached a hand out to stroke his cheek. "And, Alex, if I am to be your wife, I must know what is troubling you. You were right to tell me. Let me be your ally."

"I dinna want to worry ye, lass. I'm sure it will all pass. It just came all at once and has been verra strange. It is probably nothing." He tried to smile as he pulled me close. "Mary, I promise it willna be like this if ye wed me. Trust me, lass, I'm not bringing ye to a wilderness full of barbarians." He kissed my hand. "Ye have my heart now, lass, and I'll give ye my name if
you’d
have it." I started to speak, but he put a finger to my lips, shaking his head. "Dinna answer now, lass. Think on it. There's a lot to consider. I have sons already, and ye must decide if that's what ye want. I dinna come without them, nor the clan and Kilgannon. And, of course, the religion. I'd not given it much thought, but the Campbell is correct. Ye must know it is a problem to be a Catholic in Scotland now. Scotland's seen a lot of cruelty in the name of God. So think on it, Mary. I don't want ye to wonder later if ye were hastened into something. Think on it while I'm gone, all of it. When I return we'll talk." He kissed me gently, then stepped back from me, smiling wryly. "I must go now before I disgrace us both. Think on it, lass. If ye tell me yes I'll take ye to Kilgannon. Ye'll live in a castle, Mary, not a
croft house
. But I'll not lie to ye: yer Campbell is correct that I'm only a rich man when I'm on my land. Or my ships, and we've just lost one." He touched my cheek. "But I love ye, Mary. If
you’d
have me,
you’d
make me verra happy and I'd do my best to be a good husband. I dinna ken what else to say. If ye tell me no, I will understand and I will bother ye no more." He was already moving away.