Kismet (12 page)

For the next few hours I busy myself with Onyx, trying to focus on
her
rehabilitation, and not worry about mine. But my mind continues to wander between the possibilities, and the guilt. With each day that I gain strength, I lose a few more of my memories of them and it makes me question whether I’m really healing, or if I’m just forgetting. It isn’t fair that I get to continue on and get a second chance, all while they’re gone.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that Tommy only wants what’s best for me. The problem is, he
thinks
he knows what that is, but he doesn’t. No one but me knows that Parker was more than a childhood crush for me. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first everything. He’d been through all my anxiety troubles with me, never giving up on me, looking out for me like I was his. But, while my memories of Parker are fond, he’s also the reason my life turned so sour. He pushed me away. Drawing the line in the sand seven years ago, I knew where we stood… or at least I thought I did.

It’s midday by the time I put Onyx back into her stall and I know I won’t have to worry about Parker ambushing me again because he’ll have gone to the shop. He won’t be back on the farm until the evening. I get Onyx settled in with some fresh water, and she begins to rest. I envy her for a moment. Not a worry in the world besides where her next meal is coming from.

It’s quiet around the farm today since Mom and Pop have run into town for supplies. Tommy disappeared after catching Parker and I in the horse stalls but I’m sure wherever he is, he’s fuming.

Exhausted, I plop onto the steps of the porch, listening to the animals carry about their business. I kick off my Hunter boots and let my feet settle into the cool damp grass. The sun hits my face and instantly warms my whole body. In spite of the drama and confusion, today was a good day. A knowing smile spreads across my face and for the first time in months, I feel hope. Perhaps I can carry on after all.

It’s an uncharacteristically hot day for a New Hampshire summer. The heat is stifling and I desperately want to cool off. With newfound hope in my heart, and before I can second-guess myself, I get up and take off toward the creek behind my house. For the first time in a long time I find myself running. The simple act of my feet pounding onto the ground makes me giggle out loud. My breath hitches with the sound escaping my mouth and here, in this moment, I come to the realization that I do deserve happiness. I can’t continue to punish myself for what happened in the past. I was a kid and I made mistakes, but this wasn’t my fault.

The creek comes into sight and I find myself giddy with excitement. It was always a place of relaxation and enjoyment for me as a child. By the time my feet hit the cool water I’ve stripped off my tank top, leaving my body clad in only a bra and cutoff jean shorts. I stand for a minute, reveling in the silence, but then a small smile pulls at my lips and I start kicking water up around me. The cool droplets touching the skin on my legs and relax me.

After a few moments of careless kicking, I find “Recliner Rock” and gently lower my body down onto it, letting the water rush past me as the sun warms my cool skin.

I close my eyes, enjoying the moment of bliss. It was here in this exact spot that Parker kissed me for the first time. I was fifteen, finally set free from the anxiety and the silence. I had just started finding myself, discovering the real Katie back then.

“Ouch! I stubbed my toe!” I plop down on the rock and lift my foot to inspect it.

Parker sits next to me and leans down to look as well. “Jeez, kiddo, you need to take it down a notch.”

“You’re just saying that because I was kicking your butt.”

He frowns. “You’re right. I hate losing to a girl.” He certainly lost our water fight—he was soaked to the bone. I slap him playfully on the shoulder.

“Tommy said you’ve got your driving permit now. I’ll take you out riding sometime.”

“Why? So you and Tommy can get hammered?” I tease.

His eyes meet mine and I know that he didn’t appreciate my weak attempt at a joke. “I didn’t say anything about Tommy going.”

He must be able to hear my heart pounding in my chest. I swallow the hard lump that has formed in my throat. I need to pull it together. I’m acting stupid. He’s just being nice. “That would be fun.”

“You have no idea, do you, Katie?” he asks.

“No idea of what?”

Parker leans closer to me and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “No idea how beautiful… how special you are.”

Special? Beautiful? He thinks I’m beautiful? “You think I’m beautiful?” I whisper in awe. It feels like I’m dreaming, but Parker is really here, sitting next to me and saying things that I have longed to hear. His hand comes to cup my cheek as he stares deep into my eyes. His calloused thumb rubs against my cheek. “Of course I do, kiddo.”

Before I can say another word, his lips press softly to mine. It isn’t an earth-moving kiss, just a quick peck. His lips against mine. My heart leaps and then it’s over.

He pulls back from me and grins. I’m sure my shock and disbelief is written all over my face.

“That your first kiss?”

I nod.

“Good.” He smiles at me and stands, his eyes falling to my bracelet. “I love that you still wear that thing.”

“Of course. It gives me strength, remember?”

The memory makes me happy, but in my happiness my hand absently finds its way to my empty belly and the sadness, and guilt, creep back in. Slowly at first, then they’re all I can think about. I’m just about to let myself break down when his voice cuts to my core.

“You’re still just as beautiful.”

Startled, I sit up, throwing my arms around my torso in a weak attempt at shielding myself. I peer over my shoulder, catching a glimpse of Parker leaned up against the tree, smoldering as he takes a drag of his cigarette.

I shake my head and press my eyes shut, hoping that it’s just a remainder of my memory. But when I open my eyes, he’s still there. I glare at him, hoping he’ll sense my anger. I was having a private, and slightly enjoyable moment, and he is muddling it all up again.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters, “I followed you… obviously. I was just worried when I saw you take off running towards the woods. You’re not exactly the most stable person these days.” He pauses, gauging my reaction. I shrug. “No offense.”

I want to be mad at him for disrupting my moment of peace, but how can I when he had only been concerned. Typical Parker, always spinning shit in his favor. I stand from the rock, still shielding myself from his unrelenting gaze, and stalk towards the bank where my tank top had fallen. I throw it on before I become any more self-conscious. My body isn’t the same one Parker had seen when I was younger. It has been home to two babies, the tightness I used to have replaced by a slight roundness, and a few tiger stripes to boot.

“I mean it, Katie, you’re just as beautiful as I remember you.” Parker speaks softly as if reading my self-deprecating thoughts.

I stare blankly at him, watching him flick his ash carelessly. Looking at him, I realize that all those feelings are still there.

I loved him.

I
still
love him.

I hate that I still love him.

Sure, he was there for me through a lot, but at the same time he wasn’t. He’s incorrigible. He’s arrogant. He’s just… Parker.

Defeated, I sigh and start to make my way back toward the house. Unsure of the time that has passed since I ran out back, I expect the family to return and check on me soon and I don’t want them to worry. I brush past Parker but he reaches out and grabs me by the wrist before I can flee.

“Katie…”

I look over my shoulder at him, waiting for him to say something,
anything
. I just want an explanation. Some sort of understanding of what happened. Why things were the way they were. Why, after all these years, are we back here? I need answers and my eyes burn into his face.

He opens and closes his mouth repeatedly, seemingly searching for words as I stand there, precious moments slowly passing us by. This just might be the clarification that I’ve been waiting for. Maybe now I can understand. Everything could make sense if Parker would just explain it all to me.

My hope slowly dissipates as his hand drops from mine, and his eyes fall to the ground. Our moment is over. I let out a sigh, before turning away from him and walking toward the house, realizing something I should already have learned a long time ago.

Some things never change.

Parker McKenzie is one of them.

I wake up early, feeling hopeful despite the emotional past few days. There is just so much going on within me that there are times I just feel like lying on my bed and counting my ceiling tiles, even though I already know there are 102.

I take a quick shower before slipping into my cutoffs, a tank top, and my Hunter boots. Knowing that there will still be a night chill in the air, I throw on a sweatshirt. It’s still dark out and I have to run my hands along the wall to make sure I don’t bump into anything. I can’t turn any lights on because I don’t want to wake my parents. This morning is all about me and I’m going to do it alone, without an audience.

Once outside, I’m hit with the morning chill, and the air smells damp but fresh. Dew collects on my boots as I make my way to the stable. I can hear the horses blowing through their noses inside. They’re quiet because they’re just waking up, but they’ll be noisy soon enough, expecting their breakfast of oats and apples to be served. I have to hurry, because Pop will be making his rounds to feed them soon. He hates it when they get impatient and bray. I make my way down to the end, where Onyx is.

“Hey, girl,” I say without thinking as I run my hand up her muzzle. The words make my throat burn and it tickles a little bit. Onyx blows out her nose and I wonder if she’s as taken aback by the sound of my voice as I am. It feels strange, using my voice again. She pushes up against me as if urging me to continue. Swallowing, I attempt to dampen the fire from my throat. “You like me talking to you?”

She whinnies and knocks up against her stall door.

I smile and look over my shoulder. I’d hate for someone to catch me out here talking to her. Turning my attention back to her, my eyes catch sight of the saddle hanging on the wall.

My saddle.

The very one that Tommy and Parker had gotten me for my Sweet Sixteen. Its leather is just as bright and beautiful as the day they gave it to me. I only used it for two years, and I took care of it because it had been my most prized possession.

Without hesitation, I reach up and grab it off the hook, before leading Onyx out of the stall. Lightly, I trace the intricate patterns that are carved into the leather with my finger. It takes me a few minutes to remember how to hook everything up, but before I know it, my feet are in the stirrups and I’m lifting myself into place.

Onyx prances a bit as I sit down, seemingly anxious about me being on her. Knowing exactly how it feels to be out of your comfort zone, I reach down and rub her sides. Her muscles twitch under my palm.

“It’s all right, girl,” I whisper. “I’m nervous too.”

She stills. The only movement comes from the deep breaths she’s taking. I focus in on the rhythm of her sides, her ribcage heaving with each throaty breath. Without meaning to, I find myself sucking air with her, hoping that she can sense that we’re in this together. Right now, in this moment, it’s just about us. We’re both going to forget our troubled pasts, all the bad shit that has gone wrong in our lives and made us weak. We’re weak no more. We are strong, and together we can start moving forward.

“We can do this, Onyx.”

I gently tap her side with my heel and she takes a few tentative steps, pulls on the reins and snorts.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

I tap her again, urging her forward. She does as I ask and slowly trots out of the stable and into the yard. It’s a little bit brighter than it was when I first came out and the sun was peeking over the edge of the horizon, but it was still dark. Evidentially, the darkness makes Onyx even more nervous and she pulls on the reins again, indicating that she wants us to move back into the stalls.

I reach up and scratch between her ears. “It’s all right, girl. This is going to feel good. I promise.”

I kick her a little harder on both sides and immediately she’s running. It’s sloppy at first, and she stumbles a couple of times in the darkness, but she eventually finds her stride and once she does, she picks up speed. She’s fast. The wind kicks up her mane, and my ponytail bounces against my back. My heart is beating faster, and a smile slowly spreads across my face.

I’m not sure how far we’ve gone when I finally decide to pull on her reins. She skids to a stop and takes a few heavy deep breaths. Just like me, she’s out of shape, but we can get it back in no time.

We stand together, looking out over the horizon and watch the sun peek out from the edge of the earth. It takes my breath away, and I know without a doubt that it is the dawn of a new day for me.