Kismet (15 page)

All is fair in love and war, right?

And in Parker’s defense, he clearly did care about me. He just wanted to help, and he had. The way he’d gone about it was extremely selfish, but that was the way he did things. He didn’t think, he just did.

Tommy stands and helps me up. Brushing at my clothes, I attempt to clean some of the mud off my legs, but it’s no use. I’m covered.

“Lets get you home, Katie. Mom and Pop have been waiting to have you back.”

The drive home is filled with an easy silence. The radio seems to be making a soundtrack for us—knowing the right songs to play, and the right moments to play them.

In a way, I’m relieved to be talking again. But at the same time I continue to feel guilt. My little dark secret slowly eats away at me. It doesn’t seem right. Nothing does. I shouldn’t be smiling, or enjoying Tommy’s company. Not when my husband and children will never get to again. It’s selfish. Plain and simple.

The mood in the cab of Tommy’s truck shifts as I consider giving it all up, again. In a way, the silence had been more comforting than this. At least then I’d been miserable, and that was okay because I should have been, but now, with the smiles, the talking, and living… it just doesn’t seem right.

My thoughts are broken by Tommy grabbing my hand. He squeezes it gently, giving me just the right amount of reassurance at just the right time. “It’s okay, Katie. Nobody is going to think any less of you now,” he assures me. “You starting to live again is admirable. You’re strong, sister of mine.”

“Have you not been around me at all, Tommy?” I shift nervously in my seat. “I am not strong.”

He scoffs as he turns up our driveway. “Of course you are, Katie. It takes a strong person to be able to pick themselves up off the ground, dust and all. I’m proud of you, and they would be too.” He looks at me as he puts the car in park.

God, I love my brother.

I lean across the seat and wrap my arms around his neck. “I love you. Tommy.”

His hands run through the back of my hair. “I know you do, but I’m still gonna kill Parker.” I shake my head and roll my eyes. Always a boy—in fact I’m sure he’ll never grow up. I mean, how many thirty year olds actually still live with their parents?

We break our embrace and he hops out of the truck, gesturing for me to follow. “Lets go show Mom and Pop your new trick.”

“I’m not a dog,” I mutter as I slid out of his truck.

He laughs and wraps his arm around my neck, pulling me close enough to kiss my forehead. “It’s so good to have you back, Katie. You seriously have no idea.”

There’s a tightening in my stomach that increases with each step I take, culminating in a sharp, stabbing pain when I cross the threshold of the house. Despite how I feel I know I’m not physically hurt, the pain simply a manifestation of every emotion known to man coursing through my body. It’s a strange feeling, and I can’t really even process all the thoughts going through my head. I’m ready, but anxious, to talk to my parents, and at the same time I’m worried about Parker. I need to see him to thank him. To let him know that I’m sorry for the way I reacted, and that I really do appreciate what he’s done for me. Because at least he cares—or it might be “cared” now, past tense—enough to not give up on me. There’s no turning back for me know. What’s done is done.

There’s a loud crash as Tommy slings the screen door open and calls out something to my parents. I’m not sure what exactly, since I’m too busy trying to navigate my conflicting emotions. I’m confused, and slightly hurt, yet excited and nervous.

And Sad.

Somehow, I’m still always sad.

Mom and Pop come around the corner, concerned looks painted on their faces. “Tommy? Oh, thank God, you found Katie.”

I force a smile, despite all the other feelings coursing through my veins. I’m focusing on getting myself better, regardless of all the bad shit in my life. Everyone around me deserves that. It’s time to give everyone some closure. I need to move on so we can all start healing our broken hearts.

This is the first step.

The end of silence is the key to it all.

“Hi, Mom.”

She sucks in a breath, obviously taken aback by the sound of my voice. She places her hands over her mouth, covering the surprise I know is painted on her face. She’s shocked to the core. Hell, I still am too. A single tear falls from her cheek and I notice Pop squeeze her hand. They love each other so much.

“Oh my… my Katie,” she cries, before running to me and throwing her arms tightly around my neck.

And we all stand there in the kitchen.

Hugging.

Kissing.

Crying.

But it feels good. It feels all right. Like maybe things
can
be okay again.

I eventually make my way up to my bedroom, at least, once everyone stopped fussing over me. It’s nice to feel a little happiness in the house again. It’s vaguely familiar because we’ve been through it before—the silence turning into joy, and going on about our life, despite all the bad crap.

I know I should go to sleep. But I can’t. Not yet.

The stairs creak and I know Mom and Pop are heading to bed. I wait for all the lights to turn off behind them, just like Tommy taught me all those years ago.

Once I see the hallway light flick off and hear them close their bedroom door, I tug my boots on and tiptoe over to my window, hoping that the chains are still lubricated from the last time I greased them. When it slides up without making so much as a sound, I have a silent, celebratory moment.

Slowly, I position one leg out on the ledge, followed by the other. Looking out, I’m struck with panic. I don’t remember it being so high. Maybe I’ve gone a little soft with age? No, that’s not it. No, now I just realize how precious life is.

Taking a deep breath, I carefully make my way down the lattice and leap down onto the front porch.

“Aren’t you a little old to be sneaking out?”

I stifle the scream that threatens to come out of my mouth with my hands, and I try to calm my rapidly beating heart. Spinning around, I see my brother sitting on the porch swing, the only light coming from the end of his cigarette. “Jesus, Tommy.” I whisper. Once my heart rate evens out I’m able to speak again. “Well, I learned from the best.”

“So, where do you think you’re going?” he asks, standing and flicking his butt onto the ground.

I shrug my shoulders.

Tommy’s mouth presses into a hard line. “You’re going to see him, aren’t you?”

Why can everyone read me so well? Knowing that I can’t argue, I let out an exasperated sigh and nod. “I have to. I know you think he’s playing with my emotions, and maybe he is, but I still need to thank him, and tell him I’m sorry for the way I reacted. He pushed me, Tommy. He didn’t give up on me. It’s because of him that you and I are standing here, talking again.”

Tommy shoves his hands into his sweatshirt pocket and clicks his tongue. “I know I don’t know all that went on between you guys growing up, I’m sure of that. But I do know that you’re like a moth to flame with him… you know that, right?”

I nod. It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there’s more than friendship between us. There was so much more, so much history.

“Yeah. But I’m not about to let him burn me again, Tommy. I’m not ready for that, and I’m not the dumb, doe-eyed girl I once was.”

Tommy nods his head. He thinks he knows, but he doesn’t. Truth is, if he knew the half of it he wouldn’t be friends with Parker. Period. Simple as that.

Parker had dragged my heart through the coals, leaving nothing behind but ash and dust and Michael had been the one to help heal my broken soul. He took me in his arms, molding me so that I was whole again. No questions asked. Michael saved me then, and I owed it to him, now that he’s gone, to keep fighting.

But I also owed Parker my gratitude.

“So, how are you getting there?” Tommy asks.

“Well, I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” I didn’t have keys to any of the cars, but that didn’t really matter because I simply couldn’t bear the thought of driving myself.

Tommy shakes his head at me before throwing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out. “Get in,” he commands, before walking in the direction of his truck.

I smile and do just as I’m told.

It feels weird to be here. It’s been years since I’ve seen the shop that Parker lives above but it hasn’t changed at all—it looks just like I remembered it. I want to be shocked that he’s still living here. But I’m not. Parker always knew what the future held for him. My stomach churns, tossing around its contents. I’m suddenly thinking that this is a bad idea.

Or is it?

I don’t know.

I’m all over the place.

“I’ll wait out here,” Tommy says as he puts a pinch of chew in his lip.

“You’re not coming in?” I ask, unfastening my seatbelt.

“Nope.
I’m
not ready to talk to him yet.”

I reach over and pat his leg. “Tommy, don’t be mad at him.”

“Katie, don’t tell me what to feel. The fact of the matter is that he’s gone back on his word with me…
again
. I just need some time before I have to look at him in the face, solely so I don’t pound it in.”

I shrug. I don’t know all the ins and outs of his relationship with Parker, and I don’t need to because that’s between them.

Before I lose my nerve, I make my way up the stairs at the side of the building. With each step, I feel a little more awkward.

It doesn’t feel right.

I shouldn’t be here.

I stop at his door, contemplating turning around and just leaving. This could’ve waited. I’m about to turn around when I realize I owe this to him, on so many levels. Parker has been there through a lot of my tough times. We were just kids when the waters got muddied. Neither of us made the best decisions, and the blame can’t lay completely on him.

I knock.

There’s a faint mumbling from behind the door just before it flies open and he’s standing there, shirtless, his jeans slung low on his hips. I can’t help but notice that his body hasn’t changed at all besides a tattoo that I can’t quite make out. It’s not right that admiration of his body is all that goes through my mind, especially with all the shit going on in my life. But all I can think in that moment is how beautiful he still is, and it makes me hate myself even more. If that’s even possible.

“Katie? What? How?” He turns and grabs his shirt off the back of his kitchen chair.

I bite my lip. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“No, no,” he says as he throws his shirt on over his head. “Come in.”

I go in and stand awkwardly in his kitchen/living room. The place hasn’t changed at all. Parker cleans about as much now as he did as a teenager. He quickly starts picking up pieces of mail and dirty dishes off his coffee table.

“Have a seat, kiddo. Can I get you something to drink?”

Forcing a confidence that I definitely do not have, I take a few steps to the couch and sit on the edge of the cushion. “No, I’m fine.”

He grabs an already opened Coke can before sitting next to me. He seems to have completely recovered from earlier, but Parker can do that. Every day is a new scene, and he puts on a good show, never really letting anyone know his true thoughts and feelings.

“So, I just came by… well,” I start, but stop to take a deep breath. Just as I say, “I’m sorry for how I reacted at the lake,” Parker says, “You have every right to be mad with me…” It takes a few seconds, but my words reach his ears and he stops what he’s saying and looks at me. “Wait, what did you say?”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “I said I’m sorry. I overreacted at the lake. It brought back a lot of memories, and emotions. I realize that you were just trying to help.”

“I know it was a dick move, taking you there,” he nervously rubs the back of his neck, his eyes studying the flooring, “but I just wanted the old Katie back, and I would have done anything, and I mean anything, to get you back.”

With those words, I understand that we’re not just talking about my mutism now. I should feel uncomfortable. But oddly enough, I don’t. It’s just Parker, and our time has already passed.

“You gotta realize, that girl is gone, Parker. She’s been gone a long time, before any of this ever happened. That girl was lost the first time we met at that lake.”

“I refuse to believe that.”

He reaches up and touches my cheek and for a brief moment I lean into his touch, before I realize that what I’m doing is wrong. Quickly knocking his hand away, I stand up.

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” he asks, an edge to his voice. I frustrate him, I always have. Any fool can see that.

The anger rises within me. I didn’t come here to do this, but I can’t stop the onslaught of emotions that hit me. “Don’t act like the past seven years didn’t happen, Parker. Because they did. You made your choice a long time ago, and I’ve been through too much because of it.”

He scrubs his face with his hands, the stubble on his face making a scuffing sound as he does. “I feel like all of this is my fault, Katie. I just want to make it right.”