Kiss & Sell (2 page)

“For free food and a movie?” McCartney asked.

“To get some cuddle time?” Phin chimed in.

“I don’t know,” I said skeptically and shook my head. Even with the prospect of free food or the potential for some good, clean, PG-13 fun, I wasn’t exactly sure dating just anyone that asked me out was worth it.

“What don’t you know?” my mom asked as she entered the room.

“Nothing,” I said quickly.

McCartney sat up on the couch and settled back into the cushions. “We’re starting a special project to help Arielle get her first kiss, Mrs. Sawyer,” McCartney piped up.

“Arielle!” Mom exclaimed. “You haven’t had your first kiss yet?!”

I glared at McCartney, who shrugged her shoulders. I’d been hoping the parental unit wouldn’t find out about this particular Arielle fun fact until
after
it was a story that we could all “Laugh about later…”

“Arielle, you know that kissing and dating is all a part of growing up,” Mom said, in her best counselor’s voice. She sat down on the ottoman in front of me, placed her hands together and rested her chin on her fingertips. Great. Looks like the doctor is officially in. “It’s healthy to be curious at your age, honey. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Ugh. Please. Stop. Talking.

“Mom!” I finally exclaimed, exasperated and embarrassed. “I’ve asked you not to treat me like one of your patients—
especially in front of my friends
.” I said the last part practically through my teeth.

See, my mom is a pretty famous marriage counselor and sometimes she has a problem turning off her role of “professional” and just playing the role of “parent” when she’s at home.

“Sorry, sweetie, but I just want you to feel comfortable with your sexuality,” she continued.

“Ew, ew, ew, ew,” I said, placing my hands over my ears, and squeezing my eyes shut, in an attempt to drown out what she was saying.

Weren’t there laws against kids and using cruel and unusual punishment?

My mom stopped talking and stared at me. Standing up, she threw her arms in the air, giving up. “Fine, Arielle,” she said as she walked over to the computer that was set up in the corner of the room. “But you know you can always talk to me about stuff like this.”

“I know, Mom,” I said, relieved she was leaving the topic alone. “I just don’t really want to, you know?”

Mom took one last look at me and then began to type away on her keyboard. I turned my attention back to my friends.

“Thanks a lot,” I whispered to McCartney.

“We still need to come up with a plan,” Phin said.

“Hmmm…we could always just start setting her up with people,” McCartney offered. “She’s bound to find
someone
to kiss.”

“She could join the school play. They’re doing a kissing scene this year,” Phin said thoughtfully.

“Oooh, we could organize a kissing booth to raise money for the band or something,” McCartney said. “Then, you’d get more than just one kiss.”

These were my choices? I stared at my friends with a nauseated look on my face.

“It would be good practice. You know, to have to kiss people over and over and over again,” Phin agreed.

So not impressed, guys.

“Uh, no. But thanks for trying,” I said, shaking my head and covering my face with my hands.

“Yes!” Mom shouted out all of a sudden. “An autographed copy of my book just sold on eBay for forty dollars!”

“You’re selling your books on eBay now?” I asked, thankful for the distraction.

“They go for a lot more if I sign them first,” she explained, still looking at the computer screen.

That’s when I noticed that the room had gone quiet around me.

I glanced over at McCartney and Phin slowly, and saw they were both staring at each other with their eyes open wide.

“Are you thinking…,” McCartney started.

“…What I’m thinking?” Phin finished.

I knew it wasn’t a good sign when they started finishing each others’ sentences. It was like having an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, and both were whispering into my ear. Except that they were both more like devils.

“What? What just happened?” I asked and looked from one to the other.

McCartney and Phin scrambled to get up and then grabbed my arms and pulled me toward the stairs and up to my bedroom. When we were in the safety of my room, they plopped me down on my bed and stood there smiling at me.

“What?” I asked, completely confused.

“We have the perfect G.A.A.K. Plan,” McCartney said.

“We’ll have you kissing someone in no time,” Phin added.

“Do I even want to know?” I asked carefully. Neither of them answered, but both wore matching smiles on their faces.

That’s a negative, ghostwriter.

ALL I COULD
think after McCartney and Phin told me their genius plan, was that they’d either smoked something or that they’d gone completely insane. And not the cute Britney-Spears-letting-her-infant-son-drive-her-car crazy, but the Michael-Jackson-dangling-his-baby-out-a-window or Tom-Cruise-jumping-all-over-Oprah’s-couch-like-a-maniac crazy.

“You guys are
seriously
considering this?” I asked as they turned on my computer and sat side by side in front of it.

“It’s perfect!” McCartney said, turning around to look at me. “We are going to sell your first kiss on eBay.”

EBay, Schmebay. This was my so-called love life we were talking about here. And their answer was to hand it off to the highest bidder? As if there was enough money in the world for that. And besides, there’s no way that I’d sunk that low yet.

Had I?

“EBay exists so people can sell
Items
, not
people
,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “Or their kisses.”

“I heard that one guy tried to sell his mother-in-law on eBay, just because she bugged the hell outta him,” Phin offered, tapping away at the keyboard.

Now they were lumping me in the same category as annoying in-laws. I tried to burn the backs of their heads with my best death ray stare, but neither of them even flinched. I sighed, giving up on punishing them for the time being.

On the bright side, I could always sell McCartney and Phin on eBay and buy a new set of friends if this whole G.A.A.K. Thing went terribly wrong. I
quickly snapped out of my brief daydream and realized I was still in the land of loony.

“You guys, no one’s going to want to bid on my first kiss,” I said. “If I can’t get anyone to do it for free, why would anyone
pay
to kiss me?”

“It’s the intrigue of the whole thing,” McCartney answered. “Now, are you in or out?”

I took a minute to think about how potentially embarrassing their plan could be. If people at school found out, it would be like social suicide. And I sort of had the desire to get out of high school alive.

“Don’t you have to be at least 18 to post something?” I asked, looking for a way out.

“She’s right,” Phin said, looking at the screen.

“So, we’ll get an adult to sign off on it,” McCartney said. She stood up and walked out of the room. Phin and I looked at each other, as McCartney disappeared. This was not good.

A few minutes later, McCartney was back and my mom was standing in the middle of my room alongside her.

“Mrs. Sawyer, we would like permission to sell Arielle’s first kiss on eBay,” McCartney said. “But we need someone over 18 to say It’s okay.”

“You want to sell her kiss on eBay?” my mom asked slowly.

“Well, you know, it’s about time she kissed someone already—you said that yourself,” McCartney said. “We’re just trying to help her along. Give her a wider selection to choose from.”

“Plus, it’d be an experience she’d never forget,” Phin added.

“And you want to do this?” Mom asked, turning to look at me.

Did I want to? I mean, obviously I had to do
something
, because there was no way I was going to end my freshman year still having never kissed anyone. That would be the ultimate humiliation. And by having guys bid on the opportunity to kiss me, it
Would
take the pressure off of me wondering whether they did or didn’t want to kiss me. Because, duh?! They already obviously would by that point. And it
could
be kind of fun to see who bid. Might even give me a clue about who was crushing on me…

Oh, God, did I just manage to talk myself into this?

“I guess it would be okay,” I mumbled. “I mean, do
you
think It’s a good idea, Mom?”

“Well, I think It’s healthy to want to experience your first kiss,” she answered, crossing her arms. “But I think we would need to lay down a few ground rules, to ensure that you’re not prostituting yourself.”

Here it was—your everyday mother/daughter prostitution talk. Can’t exactly say I’d been expecting it so soon, but really, when
Was
a good time to talk to your child about turning tricks?

“Mom!” I exclaimed, embarrassed. “It wouldn’t be like that.”

“Just think of how it sounds to ‘sell a kiss’ though, Arielle. Prostitutes are people who sell their bodies for money,” my mom answered. “So, we’d need to have some rules, so that this isn’t at all like one of those experiences.”

Mom had always been a big believer in rules. Oddly, my friends liked this about her, because Mom also believed that rules were better when we came up with them together. You know, so they fit individual situations. I knew better, though. In the end, whatever rules Mom wanted me to follow were the rules I was going to have.

“Like what kind of rules?” I asked, suspiciously.

“Well, I think that any money you raise should go to either a charity of your choice, or be donated to your school, that way you’re not getting paid for it,” Mom said.

“Sort of like the kissing booths they do to raise money for school sports or clubs,” Phin said, nodding his head.

“Okay, that sounds fine,” I said. “What else?”

“He has to be around your own age. No one two years older or two years younger than you,” Mom said.

“That’s actually smart. You wouldn’t want your first kiss to be from some old skeeve,” McCartney said miming throwing up. “Or from a 10 year old. Talk about robbing the cradle.”

“And lastly,” Mom continued. “If, in the end, you don’t like the guy who wins the kiss and don’t feel comfortable about things, you don’t accept the money and you don’t kiss him.”

Suddenly having my mom in on the plan, felt more like a blessing than a curse. With a list of rules drawn, I actually felt better about the whole idea. I never would’ve thought that having
more
rules would be a good thing (and certainly would never admit it to anyone currently in my room), but now I was glad she’d laid down the law. And, I had no real reason to say no to the plan.

“Okay,” I said, finally. “Sell my kiss on eBay.”

“Yeah! you rock, Arielle!” Phin said trying again for a high five. I didn’t move. Phin frowned. “Why do you guys always leave me hanging?”

“Just let me see what you’re going to post before you send it,” my Mom said as she walked out the door.

“Sure, no problem,” McCartney yelled after her. Then with a smile, she added, “Let the bidding begin!”

“I can’t believe that I’m agreeing to this,” I said, groaning from my place on the bed.

“You know you don’t have to, Arielle,” McCartney said, sympathetically. “You can always say no and we just won’t post it.”

“Hey, I worked hard on this profile!” Phin exclaimed. “I mean, this is a work of
art
. You don’t just delete a thing of beauty.”

“He’s right. Really, I’m okay with this,” I said, mostly to convince myself once again that I was indeed, okay with it. I sighed. “Let me read it again.”

I got up and took a seat in front of the computer.

MY FIRST KISS COULD BE YOURS

14-year-old Arielle Sawyer is looking to get rid of her first kiss. That’s right, no other lips have touched hers—here’s your chance to be the first one there. All bidders must be between the ages of 14 and 16 and have good personal hygiene. Jerks need not apply. Arielle is a good-looking, talented and bright gal, who we’re sure, once she’s had a little practice, will be a fine kisser. Help make her dreams come true and kiss the girl!