Authors: Carrie Aarons
“
D
o
you know which one she’d like?”
I looked up at the wrinkled, expensive looking old man and sighed. “Not really. No offense Karl, but I don’t know shit about diamonds. Which one is the best one? Because I know my girl is the best. And she deserves the best.”
He laughed, a wheezing chuckle expelling from his dry lips. The producers had called Karl Kingsman, jeweler to the stars and to every final contestant on 15 seasons of Mr. Right, to come and help me pick out a ring for Leighton. Not that I was much help to him. Guys didn’t wear jewelry, and I had no idea what kind Leighton would want. Any man who said they just “knew” what kind of rock their future wife wanted on her left hand was either fucking lying, or they’d had help from her mother and sister.
I was a former Marine. I knew about combat and basecamp and shooting from 100 feet away. I didn’t know about the four C’s or settings or what her ring size was. All I knew was I wanted my ring on her finger and a yes from her lips.
Karl held out a whopper of a diamond to me, the setting dazzling in the Bermuda sunlight. “This is a three carat stone surrounded by a halo of smaller diamonds, with a diamond pave band. It is the best of the best.”
He put his fingers together and kissed them as he said the last part, as if he was some kind of Italian chef instead of an eccentrically zany jewelry designer from Beverly Hills.
“This one it is then!” I stared at the diamond, which was huge and glistening, but looked like any other diamond to me. The thing that made my heart thump and trip up was the fact that this afternoon, Leighton would be wearing it.
“You’re sure, man? You’re ready to do this?” Mitchell chirped in my ear and I wish he’d get lost during this. I was anxious and nervous, in a good way, and I didn’t need his toxic ass here.
“More certain than I’ve ever been about anything.”
And I was sure, so complete with this decision. It didn’t matter that some of the guys on the island told me I was fucking insane, that marriage was a loser’s game and that monogamy was the devil. It didn’t matter that I’d gotten some pushback from my family, their concerns and doubts blinding them to how amazing Leighton was. But they’d see.
She’d stolen my heart from pretty much the first time I’d laid eyes on her. That sassy blood-red mouth, her big doe eyes that flashed amber and sizzled with cinnamon colored swirls each time I stroked her sweet folds. The hilarious dry humor she used and the curling, long black locks, almost inky in their silky coloring. Her inability for small talk but her affinity for playing someone, she’d pulled off more pranks on this show than anyone I’d known in my entire lifetime.
Leighton was exciting but humble, confident but reserved, beautiful but too over it to care. I would lay in bed at night, her back wedged against my chest in the uncomfortable twin bunk bed, and just wonder how I’d gotten so fucking lucky. To come from what I’d come from, to have seen what I’d seen and survived it was a miracle alone. But the world rewarded me once again, delivering the most beautiful woman at my feet. I was in awe of her, and wondered what the fuck she saw in a cripple like me. Wondered why she would choose a wounded, half-crazy war veteran from bumble fuck Nebraska. But she had.
Or she would. I hoped.
F
ucking tuxedos
. I hated tuxedos. Especially in Bermuda. Do you know what it feels like to sweat through three shirts worth of material? Well, now I did.
I was shaking as I my fingers glided over the velvet box in my pocket. It’s not that I was backing down, I was just nervous as shit. The way my heart was beating was ten times worse than the thumping that had occurred when I’d first been dropped off in the desert in Afghanistan.
I felt like Frodo with this ring in my pocket. Like I needed to just get it on her hand, accomplish my mission, and then I’d be able to breathe properly.
“Here she comes.” Mitchell announced, his voice dripping with show business bullshit. I wished he wasn’t here, I wished none of the cameras were here. But this is what we’d signed up for when we’d agreed to come on Right Now Island.
I inhaled, my eyes pricking with emotion as she took her first step down the sandy path to the beach. She wore a flesh colored gown that flowed and moved with the warm winds gliding over the beach. A gold choker held the dress up around her neck, and her wild black curls swirled around her face. Her eyes glowed, her smile wider than the State of Texas. She looked like a Grecian goddess.
Suddenly, the air was trapped inside of my lungs. I stumbled towards her, trying to keep my cool as much as I possibly could. Which at that moment, was about as cool as piping hot coffee on a 100 degree day.
“You are so beautiful.” I whispered in her ear as I met her halfway up the path.
She giggled nervously and took my hands, we walked back down where the water met the sand and the ground was littered with hundreds of white rose petals.
Standing hand in hand across from each other, I started the speech I’d been rehearsing in my head for a week.
“Leighton Elizabeth Aldridge. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I’d be fighting for your heart until you gave into me. And as we know, stubborn is one of the first words in both of our vocabularies. It was a good thing I’m such a catch, because apparently it wasn’t hard to get you to fall for me.”
I gave her a wry smile, knowing my dimples would pop out. Leighton rolled her eyes but giggled at my antics, tears beginning to show in her eyes.
“But really, I am in awe of you. I thank my lucky stars every day that you chose me, that you’ve allowed me into your life. Before I met you, I was broken, looking for something to make me whole. And that is you, Leighton. You inspire me to be a more spontaneous person, to never take life too seriously, and to live in every single moment.”
I took a breath, pushing forward as my knees began to shake. “You share my love of funfetti cupcakes, thunderstorms and Queen. We dream of traveling the world together, growing old and wrinkly with each other. I promise all of that and more.”
I wobbled, placing my good leg behind me and kneeling down on knee. Leighton was quietly weeping at this point, a tiny gasp coming out of her lips as I lowered to the sand.
“And those are just a few of the reasons I'm hoping you'll spend the rest of your life with me. So Leighton Elizabeth Aldridge, will you marry me?"
I pulled the velvet box from my pocket and presented it to her. When you see proposals on TV, the moment the ring is shown, the woman does some fake half-faint at the diamond.
That is not what Leighton did at all. Her eyes were pinned to mine, the raw happiness and love radiating out towards me. She didn’t even glance at the ring while she bent down and latched her arms around my neck, took a seat on my knee and began kissing me. Our lips danced a sensual rhythm of emotion, passion, happiness and joy. Our tears lubricated the soft pecks we were giving each other.
Behind us, Mitchell cleared his throat. “Put on the ring…” he whispered. Jackass.
But we were too swept up in our own little bubble. I took Leighton’s left hand in mine and slid the diamond onto her fourth finger.
“Holy crap, Finn this is huge!”
She giggled while a shaky laugh boomed out of my chest. She held her hand out in front of her like every newly engaged woman did, and the sun caught the sparkle, casting a glittering atmosphere to the already perfect moment. “You know you’re stuck with me now, right?”
“I’m ready to strap on the old ball and chain.”
I
never thought
I'd be the type of person to get married. That may sound really stupid coming from someone who had willingly gone on not one but two reality dating shows, where the goal was to get engaged by the end, but no one really came on these shows for love. Me included.
I had always been a pretty free spirit, never having that much of a plan or path in life. I liked school, but not enough to go to college. Working in my family's coffee shop gave me some extra cash, but I hadn't wanted to do it forever. And I'd never wanted to be tied down by a man.
Sure I'd had relationships. Usually they'd been total abominations, ending with me either not even remotely liking the guy anymore, or him screwing around on me. They were hot and steamy until they got boring, and they were for sure all the same. No, the Barbie Dream House and the 2.5 kids were never really on my radar.
I'd always been interested in being that girl who rode around in limos, so when my chance came, I leaped at it like a moving train chugging down the tracks.
After my stint on Mr. Right the first time around, I got endorsement deals with small brands, hocking things like teeth whiteners, t-shirts with corny quotes, diet teas and workout equipment. I'd been invited to places like the Chateau Marmont, AV and Boulevard3. I rubbed elbows with tween pop stars, reality TV darlings and major movie stars. My life was finally becoming what I'd wanted it to be.
When they casted me on Right Now Island I was thrilled. A free vacation while I flirted with hot men? Sounded great.
And then Finn happened. And everything I thought I'd wanted in life completely upended itself. Instead of heading to the island bars or dance clubs, I stayed in and talked about my favorite superheroes with Finn. While everyone slept around and created more drama than the island of Bermuda could hold, we snuggled in my tiny bunk until we couldn't stop touching and had to be inside of one another. The few times I got drunk, and did awful, stupid things that I couldn't take back, it had only been out of relaxation.
When Finn got down on one knee on that beach, I saw my entire life play out in front of my eyes. Our wedding, buying our first house, trading in his Jeep Wrangler for a mini-van, me pregnant with his children, raising our family. I understood then what people meant when they said that when you know, you know. I'd never dreamed or lusted after any of that until I met him.
Of course I remembered the day he got down on one knee. It was the one thing that warmed my soul these days, that let me wrap myself in a blissful bubble until it burst and I remembered where we were at now.
My heart broke every time I thought about the look on his face the day I left. It was splintering and cracking like a fault line, dividing inside of my chest as I stared up at the ceiling of my own hotel room.
Finn didn't want to hear any of it, and after his comeback hit me like a full on Mack truck, I wasn't going to fall asleep next to him. So I'd walk-of-shamed it back over here. Except now all I could think of was him laying on his bed in the next room, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling just like I was doing.
3:30 a.m. That's what the clock read. Fuck it, I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight if I didn't confront him. I'd done enough waiting, six weeks of waiting and biding my time, holding my tongue. He needed to make up his mind. Could he forgive me and try to get back to where we had been? Or was he done with this, with us?
My stomach sank faster than a stone in the Hudson River at the second possibility. I would be devastated if he said this was it, but at least I'd have an answer. Hanging out in purgatory, suspended between two options, was no way to live. I was done trying to skirt my way around him, placate his anger or hurt. It was time to poke the beast.
I threw on the robe again and made my way to the door. Please, please let Finn be up and stewing over this like I was. If he didn't open the door, if he was sleeping, that would be all the answer I'd need.
My stomach was in my throat as I rapped my knuckles on the room next to mine's door. It only took a second for footsteps to sound from within, and then he was pulling open the door, frustration written all over his face. At least I wasn't alone.
We didn't speak as I walked in, but you could feel the channel of rage between the two of us crackle and spark with unspoken emotions.
Finn closed the door and I let him have it. "Are you ever going to let me explain, give me the chance at forgiveness, or do you not even care anymore? Are you going to hold onto this mistake forever?"
A low chuckle from him made me heart hurt. "A mistake? You ruined my fucking life Leighton. You kissed another man, cheated on me, for a billion people to witness. Don't ask me if I'm going to hold onto it."
Fuck him. I switched tactics, explaining without even giving him the choice if he wanted to listen. "I. Was. Drunk. I know that might not be an excuse, but drunk people are easily convinced. When people—producers, that you think are your friends—ask you to 'just peck Ian like a friend’ it’s not easy to say no. When they keep pushing and pushing, you just give in. And then they edit it to look like more."
Finn stormed across the room and threw his hands up, as if that would stop me from completing my side of things.
"I'm sorry Finn. I'm so fucking sorry. If you knew how much agony and pain I've put myself through because of what I did...well, this hasn't been fucking easy at all for me either. I screwed up, I get it. Its been my name they've dragged through the mud in the papers, me who has received the hate mail, me who gets called a slut and a whore whenever I walk down the street. But you know what, I deserve it, I know that. I didn't deserve to be thrown out, shunned, by the only man I ever loved. The person who called himself my soulmate, and then the minute things went sour he turned his back on me. I am so, so sorry. I never should have kissed Ian, I should have told you about it right away. But I love you, and I always will. So please, stop punishing me. Stop punishing me and tell me you can forgive me, see where this goes with us. Or stop punishing me and put me out of my misery. End this, say we're done, and I'll leave tonight. I won't keep fighting for you."
I could see the storm swirling in his eyes, the dark clouds of midnight blue and indigo mixing in his irises. "That's all you care about, huh? The fucking media and what everyone else says? That's all you ever did want, Leighton, the attention!"
Rage, hot and cold, flushed my skin. "Did you listen to anything I said?! I'm here for you! I came back for you!"
"Well, I didn't fucking want you here!" Finn's voice was rising now. The fury I knew he tried to hold in was chomping at the bit.
"No, but you'll take full advantage of me spreading my legs for you right?! You must have some sort of feeling for me to be able to still fuck me like you always did!"
"Don't equate my ability to get it up for a hot woman to emotions. I'm a guy, Leighton, and you were always the best piece of ass I'd ever stuck it in."
I felt the ball of tears knot the back of my throat as I shoved at his chest. "Don't be vile. That's not like you, you're not rude."
"Well apparently you make me this way! You manipulated me into loving you and then you hacked up my heart. Did it feel good? Did you get everything you ever wanted?" He was shouting now, his face turning red and his fists shaking as they balled at his sides. "It wasn't so much about the fucking kiss as much as that you betrayed me! You lied and deceived me. I'm an honest person and maybe it's my downfall that I see the best in everyone, but fuck! You really took advantage of me, huh?"
I should have run, hightailed it out of there in fear that he actually might hit me. I'd seen him lose control but twice, and it had been terrifying. Not that his violence had been towards me, but the apartment hadn't fared well. But I was on an adrenaline rush from finally getting him to confront this, and I wasn't going to back down now.
"No, I didn't and you know that! I want you Finn. I want us. I've taken your cold shoulders and your scowls and your brush offs and your dismissals. I'll face your family and get chewed out by them as well. I'll walk through hell, get bitten by an evil Penguin, whatever it is you want. Just tell me so I can do it. What is it going to take to make you give me another chance?"
I could hear the way my voice cracked over the desperation, but I was done caring. The cool girl facade was completely gone, I had no other mission than to get Finn to tell me he would forgive me.
It seemed like his entire body was vibrating. His lips were pursed and twitching, like he was holding in whatever it was he wanted to say.
"Just talk to me goddamnit. Yell! Scream! Just fucking talk!" I couldn't take this anymore.
Finn turned to the closest wall and began jamming his fist into it. Wallpaper and chunks of drywall smashed to the ground as he punched it over and over and over. My heart clenched as a sob escaped my lips, my sorrow and terror too great to keep inside.
Finally he stopped, resting against the wall as blood poured out of his right hand and knuckles. Cautiously, I walked toward him.
"Does this mean you forgive me?"
The laugh that tore from his throat sounded sarcastic and exhausted.
"I can't for the fucking life of me reason why I should...but as usual, you win Leighton. I can't get you out of my head or my heart, no matter how I try."
He turned to look at me, a look of shared knowledge and love passing between us. "I don't fully forgive you, not yet at least. But, I'm willing to try. I may be shooting myself in the foot but...I want you to stay. We fell in love once, I think I could do it again. Just don't lie to me again. Don't supply me with the shit I have to forgive you for."
The fight was leaving both of us and I was suddenly bone-tired. But that spark of hope lit in my chest, burning bright and warming me from the inside out.
"Do you want me to clean that up for you?" I pointed to his gnarled mess of a hand.
"No. I need some time to think. Alone."
I pressed my lips into his shoulder, the closest piece of him at eye height, and closed my eyes. “Can you promise me one more thing?”
Finn shrugged, but I knew he was listening.
“Can you please go talk to someone? About Pete…about whatever you want? Just…you need to talk to a professional.”
I look up, Finn’s expression guarded but still showing me he was listening. He nods, imperceptibly, and I know he might finally take that advice. And it was time for me to go. I’d gladly leave. I'd gotten what I came for.
Now it was time to start falling back in love.