Authors: Ruthi Kight
“What
was that for?” he asked with a grin.
“That
was for being you. For being so understanding.” I stood up quickly, pulling
him to his feet with me. “Now, let’s get those pillows. It’s gonna be an
early morning.”
I
couldn’t stop fidgeting as we waited for Dr. Livingston to make an appearance.
I tried to sit, but I couldn’t get my body to cooperate with my brain. Chase
kept telling me to calm down and sit, while Grandma dozed off and on. She
didn’t seem very worried about what the doctor was going to say. She hadn’t
been very lucid since we had arrived, which was to be expected, but I had been
hoping to talk to her before the doctor got there.
I
had lain awake for hours the night before; unable to stop thinking about what
was coming. I kept wondering what would happen to her when I left. Who would
take care of her when the cancer progressed? Would Chase and Brian be willing
to pick up more of the slack on the farm? I was pretty certain that they would
do everything in their power to make sure she was taken care of, but could I
ask that of them?
A
plan had begun to form in my mind, but I wanted to talk to Grandma about it
before I made a decision. Something this huge couldn’t be decided on a whim.
I wanted to talk to Chase about it, but he had been unusually quiet this
morning. I didn’t want to interrupt his thoughts, so I kept mine to myself.
A
knock sounded at the door, dragging my attention from the bare wall that I had
been staring at for the past five minutes. Dr. Livingston entered the room
smiling. Hope blossomed in my chest. He couldn’t come in with that kind of
smile and deliver bad news, right?
“Good
morning y’all. How’s my favorite patient doing this morning?” he asked as he
smiled at Grandma. She was slowly waking up, the medications making her
extremely groggy. He didn’t wait for an answer, instead opening the file in
his hands and taking a seat in the only open chair in the room. “We’ve gotten
all the blood work and test results back. It seems that there is a large mass
in Betty’s right lung. We will need to run more tests before we know for sure,
but from the size of it...”
I
listened as he talked about a biopsy, white blood cells, and other things that
meant nothing to me. I was no doctor, but from what I could gather, Grandma
was in serious trouble. This was more serious than Grandma had let on when
she told me, and I could feel my blood threatening to boil again. I tried to
calm myself down, not wanting to have another breakdown right then. My head
was spinning as he told her about the treatments that were available, and their
success rates.
“I
already told ya Doc. I don’t want treatment. They’ll kill ya faster than
anything else,” said Grandma as she tried to sit up in the bed. I moved as if
to help her, but she shooed me away. Once she was upright, she continued. “I
just want to enjoy what time I have left. By the way, happen to know how much
time that would be?”
“It’s
too early to tell conclusively Betty. Besides, those are only estimates. No
one but the good Lord knows when He’ll call you home,” said Dr. Livingston.
“Grandma,
please. Won’t you even consider treatment? I mean, what if it saves you? Would
you really walk away from something that could save your life?” I asked in a
rush, my anger clawing to the surface, demanding release.
She
stared at me like I had grown two heads and shook her head. “No, I won’t
consider them. I made up my mind months ago. This is what I want.”
“Be
damned what the rest of us think or feel, right?” I stood up in a huff. I
stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind me. I ran down the hall
at full speed, my shoes slipping occasionally. The stark white walls flew by,
no longer looking clean. They were the walls that housed disease and despair,
and in that moment, I wanted to blame them for what was wrong with Grandma. I
needed someone to blame.
I
pushed my way out the front doors of the hospital and took off at a full run
again. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew I couldn’t stay there any
longer. Every minute spent there felt like another minute of her life being
carved away. It was irrational for me to blame others for the cancer, and as much
as my mind knew that, I couldn’t stop the rage induced thoughts settling in my
heart and mind.
I
slowed down once the hospital was out of view. I found myself on an unknown
street, a few houses on either side, all of them picturesque and haunting at the
same time. They resembled what I had used to call a perfect home, but I now
knew that those walls probably hid secrets and pain, as every other house
does. I watched as a mother and daughter played in the front yard, both of
them in bathing suits, as they ran through the sprinkler. It was a simple
joy. One that I had never experienced before.
I
never thought that I had missed anything growing up in New York City. I had
everything a little girl could ever want. My parents bought me the latest toys,
took me to see all the Broadway shows, and my mother took me for a spa day
every weekend. Life was great; at least I had thought it was when I was living
it. Now, I found that while I may have had everything I ever wanted, I hadn’t
had everything I needed.
I
had needed a parent who would run in the front yard with me, laughing while the
water splashed in our faces. I had needed a parent who spent time, not money.
I had needed a parent who showered me in love, not presents. I had needed that
parent that I watched in the front yard. I had needed a real home, not a
penthouse suite. A yard, trees, a garden, all of those things that people
spend their leisurely days tending to.
I
kept walking as these thoughts swirled through my mind. The air was refreshing,
opening my soul a little bit more with each step that I took. It was nice to
just walk and let go of everything that was happening back at the hospital. My
idea from last night was all but forgotten, only resurfacing as I thought of
Grandma’s future. I wanted to help her. I wanted a life here in Perry Point,
with the people who loved me, but how could I have that life?
I
walked until there were no more houses, only trees. I didn’t recognize where I
was, and my nerves were beginning to fray again. Chill bumps broke out on my
arms along with the nagging feeling of being watched. I glanced over my
shoulder, but didn’t see anyone. I peered into the trees that surrounded me,
but there was no movement.
“Breathe.
Get yourself together,” I said to myself. I decided this was the perfect time
to turn back. I could only escape reality for so long before it would come
crashing back, making its presence known once again. I had a sinking suspicion
that when it did, it would hit me with a vengeance. As I made my way back
towards town, I couldn’t shake the feeling of eyes boring into my back. I
repeatedly glanced over my shoulder, paranoia beginning to get out of hand.
I
was suddenly aware of the sound of footsteps behind me. I increased my speed,
hoping to out run whoever was approaching. I didn’t want to look behind me,
but my body was in control now. When I saw who was behind me I immediately
stopped.
“Are
you trying to scare the crap out of me?” I yelled as Chase sped up to close the
distance between us.
“I
wanted to make sure you were okay,” he replied. He came to a stop in front of
me, his hands immediately seeking mine out. I snatched them away and put them
in my pockets. I didn’t want to touch him right then. I didn’t want him to take
away my pain and anger. I needed to feel all of those emotions for myself.
“Sorry. I just thought that...”
“I
get it.” I took a deep, calming breath, the air filling my lungs to capacity.
It felt heavy and oppressive, almost as if I was drowning right there on the
sidewalk. “I just needed some time by myself. Away from everyone.”
“Betty’s
pretty upset right now. She wants to talk to you about all of this.”
I
turned away from him and continued my hurried walk. “I don’t want to talk to
her right now. Not while I’m still mad. I need...time.” He grabbed my arm
and pulled me to a stop. I tried to pull back, but this time he kept his grip
firm.
“Do
you really think she has all the time in the world right now? Every moment you
spend mad at her is one you won’t get back. Is that what you really want?”
“She
waited this long to tell me about it, so she can wait a day or two while I work
things out in my own head. I don’t need your guilt trip Chase. I know what’s
happening. She’s dying. I’m...we’re losing her.” He pulled me to his chest,
but I pushed away, my hands balling into fists on his chest. He looked hurt,
almost as if I had physically slapped him across the cheek. “Push everyone
away if you want. Seems to be what you’re best at.”
My
jaw fell open at his words, but I quickly recovered. My hand cracked across
his cheek, the sound echoing all around us. “Screw you.” I growled out the
words, desperately trying to maintain my composure as a fist seemed to squeeze
my heart, wringing the life from me as I mentally reeled from his words. “I
don’t need your help. I don’t need anything from you. Just leave me alone!”
I
took off at a run again, this time not bothering to look behind me. I knew he
wouldn’t be there when I turned. There was nothing left to say between us
now. Everything we had built had once again come crashing down around us.
This was one more sign that I needed to just go home. I could head back to New
York and still have a few weeks of summer left to spend with my friends. I wouldn’t
miss this year’s White Party. I could make up with Amber.
That
last thought caused my heart to clutch again. I grabbed at my chest as my
steps faltered. I couldn’t keep going anymore. I had to sit down, but as I
made the move to sit, my vision grew blurry, turning gray at the edges. Before
I knew it I was falling, and my face made contact with the pavement. My last
thought before everything went black? I wished Chase were here.
I
heard muffled voices calling my name. I tried to open my eyes, but it felt
like there were lead weights on my eyelids, holding me in perpetual darkness.
I took in the emptiness; basked in it for a moment, before I fought my way
out. I slowly opened one eye and I was instantly blinded by an overhead
light. I quickly closed it again and groaned. I felt like I had been run over
by a truck. Every part of my body hurt.
“I
think she’s coming around,” said a female voice. I felt a warm hand on my
forehead as she spoke again. “Roxanne, can you hear me? If you can hear me,
please open your eyes again.”
A
part of me really wanted to do just that for her because her voice was shaking
with fear, but there’s another part of me that would rather stay in the abyss.
I could be happy there. No one is dying there. No one has lied to me there.
No one treats me like a child there.
“Why
is she not responding? Didn’t she just open an eye?” asked a masculine voice
that seemed to be further away.
The
warm hand left my face and I hated the lonely feeling that replaced it. Maybe
I couldn’t be happy here. Could I live without the comforting feeling of
someone’s body near mine? I began to doubt that choice. I slowly opened my
eyes, trying to adjust to the glaring light.
“Light,”
I whisper. I hear footsteps cross the room and then the lights were blessedly
turned off. I let out a sigh of relief and resumed the effort of opening my
eyes. I turned towards the direction of the female voice from moments ago and
found Katy standing beside the bed.
“Hey
girl. ‘Bout time you woke up. We’ve been sitting here freaking out for hours,”
she said with a tense smile. She looked extremely uncomfortable standing
there, her eyes darting around the room, keeping a watchful eye on everything
around her. “How are you feeling?”
“I’ve
had better days,” I responded weakly. This caused a relieved chuckle to flow
through the room. “I’m okay.” I squeezed her hand that rested on the side of
the bed. She finally gave me a real smile, one that reminded me of the joy she
had shown that first day we met.
“What
happened out there?”
“I...I’m
not sure. The last thing I remember was running away from...” my eyes shot up,
searching the room, as I remembered who I was running from. There, in the
corner of the room, stood Chase. His eyes were focused on the floor as he
rocked gently back and forth on the balls of his feet. “Chase. I was running
from Chase.”
His
haunted eyes slowly met mine and my heart stuttered. He had the same weary
expression that Katy had, but his skin was devoid of all color. His mouth was
set in a tight line, no smile played across his lips. Katy glanced back at
him. A silent message passed between them before Katy returned her focus to
me.
“I’m
going to give you two a few minutes. I’ll run down to the cafeteria for a soda
real quick.” She quickly turned and left, completely ignoring my grunts of
protest. I looked away from Chase. Looked anywhere but at him. I still
wasn’t sure if I was ready to face him, but he gave me no choice. He quickly
closed the distance between us, sitting down in the chair beside my bed.
“Katy
has been worried out of her mind.”
“I
didn’t mean to worry...her,” I replied. I played with the edge of the thin
blanket that was draped over my body. “I’m not even sure what happened.”
“Dr.
Livingston believes it was a blackout. Caused by an emotional upheaval. Or
some crap like that.” He reached up and grabbed my hand, bringing it to his
lips. He kissed the back of my hand so gently that I could barely feel it.
“Rox, I’m sorry. I know I keep saying that, and I’ll probably say it a
thousand times more, but I mean it. I shouldn’t have said-”