Knowing Me Knowing You (8 page)

‘
Can’t I go into the booth
?
Joel’s a little claustrophobic,
’
Kate spoke hurriedly, dreading stage time on her own.

‘
Oh, are you?
’
Becky asked, looking at him with concern.

‘
I’ll be fine, especially if I have music to listen to,
’
Joel replied, putting an arm around Kate and making her feel even more uncomfortable.

‘
Did I mention the Love Dove?
’
Becky questioned.

‘
What?
’
Kate remarked.

‘
The Love Dove, he’s over there
.
H
e’ll
lay
three golden eggs during the course of the show and if he lays an egg when you two are on stage you get to answer a bonus question
that
will win an instant cash prize and an additional Kissing Gate on the board,
’
Becky said
with
excitement in her eyes.

‘
Wow Kate, doesn’t that sound great,
’
Joel answered.

‘
I’m egg-static.
’

‘
Great, well I think I’ve covered everything
.
T
he show’s going to start in a minute so if you just follow me round here we’ll get a bit of powder on you and give you some briefing notes,
’
Becky spoke and she swung her pink hair around and headed off at breakneck speed.

Within minutes they had both been powdered and
lip glossed and were
waiting in the wings as the
Knowing Me Knowing You
show kicked off on the function room stage and aired to viewers at home.

‘
I just want you to know that this is probably the worst night of my life,
’
Kate whispered to Joel.

‘
If you’re going to fill in a customer satisfaction sheet on my performance can you maybe tone that sentiment down a bit?
’
Joel replied.

‘
I completely blame
you
for this.
’

‘
What? How can you blame me for this? I didn’t instigate it.
’

‘
You’ve made me get up here and you took away my drink. I was going to slip away into the night away from all this ridiculous behaviour. I never thought I’d actually say it but I would rather be watching the African slides again, I mean what
is Frank thinking
of? This is so downmarket for him, so trashy, it’s as bad as, I don’t know, having to appear on an episode of Jerry Springer,
’
Kate continued to speak.

‘
It
’
s fun,
’
Joel responded, looking through the briefing notes.

‘
You have got to be kidding me! Fun! This is your idea of fun! I knew there was something wrong with you
.
I can’t believe you were the closest match to Stephen. If Stephen were here he would have taken me away from all this.
’

‘
Stephen doesn’t really have
an O-level and his picture is ten
years out of date,
’
Joel answered.

‘
Oh,
s
hame on you, sullying the reputation of one of your colleagues to get you out of a corner.
’

‘
You employed me to come here with you. Your client and your boss have somehow between them, set you up to do this. I just think that the easiest, most pain free way to get through the evening, and probably the rest of your career, is to just do it. We don’t know each other, we answer the questions, we get them all wrong, the end of the show, the end of the night, the end of the date,
’
Joel said.

‘
Fine we’ll do it, get it all over with,
’
Kate answered, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

It was only ten minutes and an advert break before Larry Rawlins was calling them to the stage.

‘
And please welcome our next co
uple Kate Baxter and Joel Brown.
L
et’s give them a big hand as they take to the stage.
’

Kate and Joel stepped out from behind the curtain and were greeted by Larry, his bright silver suit and an array of spotlights and cameras directed at them from just below the stage.

‘
Welcome Kate, welcome Joel, lovely to meet you. So Kate, you are looking lovely tonight, isn’t she
l
adies and
g
entlemen? I’m guessing you do modelling right?
’
Larry questioned, sticking a microphone into Kate’s face.

‘
Er
, no,
’
she
replied.

‘
No? I’m shocked. So tell everyone here and at home what it is you do for a living
,
’
Larry ordered.

‘
I’m a legal executive, at
Randall’s
Solicitors.
’

There, she’d got a plug in for the firm that would please Miranda if nothing else. There was loud whooping and shouting from the crowd which was unmistakably the Lady Dragon and one of the larger cameras swung around to get a close up shot of the table. Kate cringed and willed the ordeal to be finished.

‘
Bit of advertising there Kate and you’ve got some support in the audience I hear, that’s good. And Joel, what do you do? It looks like you work out if you don’t mind
me saying.
H
ave you seen him
l
adies and
g
entlemen?
A virtual Adonis!
’

‘
I’m a personal trainer at
Highbridge
Leisure Centre,
’
Joel responded.

‘
That is lovely. So how long have you two known each other and where did you meet? Was it lust at first sight? Did you see her Joel and just know you had to have
her?
’
Larry questioned, performing an elaborate wink to the audience.

‘
Most definitely,
’
Joel answered, smiling at Kate, knowing how much she was
hating
every second.

Kate cringed. He almost looked like he was enjoying this. She hated him. Why
,
oh why
,
had Stephen already been booked?

‘
We met at the swimming pool six weeks ago; well approximat
ely.
I
t isn’t like I’m counting or anything. Is it six weeks now?
’
Kate asked Joel with a nervous swallow.

‘
It certainly is
D
arling
,
’
Joel replied, trying to keep a straight face.

‘
Only six weeks.
In the
first flush of romance l
adies and
g
entlemen, how lovely.
Right, I’ve been told you’ve been explained the rules, what happens now is we pop Joel in the booth and once he’s in there and I’m happy he’s listening to some romantic tunes through the headset
,
we’ll make a start.  I will ask you three questions about Joel, you will answer and then we get Joel back and see if your answers match.
Everybody happy?
Good, right Joel, take yourself over to the booth, slip on the headphones and blindfold and when I’m sure you can’t hear me
,
I’ll begin interrogating your lovely Kate.
’

Kate watched as Joel headed for the plastic booth, sat on the chair inside and put on the blindfold and large headphones. He still managed to look hot wearing game show paraphernalia.

‘
Ah Kate, look at your man now, oblivious to everything. Any secrets you want to tell, now is your opportunity.
’

‘
No.
’

‘
Just kidding, right Kate, down to business
.
A
re you ready?
’
Larry asked her.

‘
As I’ll ever be,
’
Kate replied, gritting her teeth.

‘
Good, right, this first question then for one Kissing Gate on the board. So,
i
f Joel were a member of
the cat family what would he be? Would he be
A,
a tiger, hot blooded and always ready for action?
B,
a panther, silky, sleek and perfectly aligned or would he be
C,
a pussy cat
-
cute, cuddly and romantic.
’

Kate didn’t know what to s
ay. She just stood, almost open-
mouthed, staring at Larry’s shiny suit
that
had started to make her eyes go funny. What sort of a question was that? It wasn’t racy, it wasn’t intimate and she was sure she would never have known the answer if she had been asked about any of her
real
boyfriends. What member of the cat family?!

‘
I’m going to have to hurry you for an answer Kate, I know it’s only been six weeks but surely you must have discussed which member of the cat family he would like to be,
’
Larry joked.

‘
You would think so wouldn’t you?
’
Kate said with the most false laugh she had ever performed.

Larry looked at her, wondering what noise was going to escape her lips next. Her mouth suddenly felt very dry.

‘
Well, I don’t know really, I’ll have
to guess I suppose. I’ll say A
,
’
Kate blurted out.

‘
She said
A,
a tiger, hot blooded and always ready for action. I can just bet he is,
’
Larry said with a camp smile to camera.

The audience laughed and Kate could feel the palms of her hands
starting to sweat
.

‘
OK, question two. If Joel were planning a night out for you both, which of these nights would he
be
more inclined to organise? Would he choose
A,
a night out at the cinema, to watch a
rom
com or perhaps
B,
a night at the bowling, something fast paced to enjoy with friends or
C,
a night at the casino, something frivolous and exciting,
’
Larry continued.

All Kate could think of was how annoying Larry was and how impossible the questions were. She wasn’t sure she would have been able to answer them even with
Matthew as her fellow contestant. He had hated the cinema; they’d never been bowling or had the kind of money you needed to visit a casino. He’d liked the odd go on t
he slot machine at the pub but…

‘
I’m going to have to hurry you a little Kate.
’

‘
These questions are very hard,
’
Kate said, trying to wipe Matthew from her mind.

‘
I need an answer.
’

‘
C,
’
Kate said determinedly.

‘
That’s
C,
a night at the casino, something frivolous and exciting. Wow, a frivolous tiger is our Joel. OK and the final question
is
-
Joel wants to try out a new position in the bedroom, and I don’t mean moving the furniture around here Kate. How does Joel
“
tackle
” the issue? Does he
A
,
sit you down and suggest spicing things up? Does he
B,
say nothing, things like that shouldn’t be discussed
or
does he
C,
throw you into the new position during lovemaking and see what happens?
’

Kate’s cheeks were now on fire. All eyes, lights and lenses were on her and all she could look at was Joel in the booth with the shiny headphones on. What had her life come to? But more importantly
,
did he look like someone who would want a discussion about sexual positions or someone who would just go with the flow? She had no idea; she didn’t
want
to have any idea. This was wrong on so many levels. And why was she even worrying about getting the answer right? Who cared?