Lexi remains silent. She’s contemplating Casey’s words. Lucca brushes his thumb over her hand and the ring on her fourth finger but looks over towards Casey, giving her an appreciative knowing nod of his head.
“I guess I feel like I am going back that way and I can’t, not now. I don’t want to. I want to look forward to life and not be dragged backwards.” Lexi meets the warmth of Lucca’s eyes once more. He has the unconditional look of love, and it’s all it takes to fill her eyes with emotional tears. She gazes at him helplessly as if she’s apologising.
Another awful habit. If she isn’t saying it, she’s expressing it. Something that’s been instilled in her from an early age. During her abused years she was constantly forced to apologise.
It tears Lucca apart to see her upset and distressed. He wishes he could just take away her pain, fears, and anxiety and erase her bad memories completely. Sadly, he can’t, but he can smother her in love.
His love.
The love.
L’amore.
He wants to give her the best life imaginable. Privileged and filled with hope and promises, he intends for her to never have to want for anything. It’s his aspiration to help her with her angst in order to achieve clarity, and he needs her strong, especially now. He feels she needs this session, even if it hurts her, because it’s better for her in the long run. It takes all of his willpower not to cancel the session seeing how sad his beautiful girl is.
She is so close. He believes in her.
They need to persevere, if only for today.
Casey reaches in her pocket for a handkerchief and wipes the glass of her spectacles before placing them back on her face. “That’s understandable, but I would say that sometimes in order to move forward, we need to go back and start again. Address those old fears and emotions before you can embrace new ones, better ones. If you can’t identify and accept the old haunts, then how will you paint your image of happiness, a new beginning, and for that matter accept them?” Casey raises her brow inquisitively.
Lexi is confused and wrinkles her nose, glancing towards Casey with a puzzled look on her face. Lexi wonders why she is talking in riddles today. Normally, Casey is to the point. Perhaps it’s the informality of today’s session. Casey chuckles and relieves Lexi of her uncertainties.
“Okay, so imagine your journal is a mood board, or if you like, a painting. It’s merely a tool, a piece of art to help you visualise and express what’s in your mind at that given moment. If you feel dark, your painting would be black. One day, when you feel bright, you’ll go back and read over dated words which depict … describe your darkest times. By that time, you will wonder what it ever felt like to experience that particular feeling because you’ll be too busy in your present, painting your new brighter visions, that the old will seem like a very distant memory. You rewrite or repaint. Just because the words are down on paper doesn’t mean that you need to reflect and relive those feelings the moment you re-read them. And you won’t, you will be making new ones.”
“I suppose.” Lexi is still unsure. She has no intention of writing down some of her worries, especially after the drama and turmoil of the last week. Bright future or not, surely it would hurt her to even look back over the words because it would reinforce those memories. And after witnessing the pain and hurt both Cameron and Lucca had after reading some of Lexi’s first journal, Lexi knows that if it’s too upsetting for others to read, then it will crush her to look back over the words. It would almost be like reliving it again.
“Are you worried about others reading it? What they will think? Because I want you to remember that the journal is for you and not for them. It’s to help
you
accept and move on, and
you
need to stop worrying about what other people think. This is about
you
gaining clarity.” Casey’s tone remains soft and gentle but she emphasises the word
you
, pointing out that this is very much about Lexi. That thought alone makes Lexi feel even more vulnerable. She accidently pulls at the tassel on the shawl with her jitters, tearing it off, then looks down at the wool strand in her hand.
Lifting her head, she notices Casey steals a quick glimpse at Lucca then back towards Lexi. That’s when Lexi realises the extent of her questions; Casey must know that Lucca had a negative reaction to reading her journal. Why else would Lucca share this information with Casey? It occurs to her that if Lucca shared the information with Casey, then he must be seeking his own solace and acceptance through therapy again, but he hasn’t mentioned anything to Lexi about needing advice or help. Lucca has always been focused on helping Lexi and making her his priority.
It doesn’t particularly worry Lexi that Lucca has mentioned this to Casey, because if he needs his own counsel and Casey can help him understand more than she can with her words, then so be it. Although Lexi did agree to share her honesty, and surely that meant allowing Lucca to read the things she wasn’t able to say. The thought makes her feel nauseous because now she’s thinking of Lucca and how she doesn’t want to inflict anymore upset onto him.
“You know Lucca and Cameron read my journal?” Lexi asks, already knowing the answer.
“I know that Lucca has; we have spoken about it. I love that you are learning to communicate with Lucca, and that is very important, but I also think right now, you need to keep up your journaling for your own benefit. Lucca is always going to be here for you and I’m sure that when you want to talk, he will listen. If you want him to read your words, then that’s something as a couple you need to agree on, but don’t get hung up on what others think. Right now it’s what you think that’s important.” Casey lifts her cup for another sip of tea, while Lexi’s cup has been left neglected.
As usual, Casey makes a fair point. Lucca has agreed to help Lexi anyway he can and to give her time. He has always shown compassion and understanding even when he finds things hard to digest himself. His hand tightening over Lexi’s confirms he agrees with Casey.
Lexi finally lifts her tea and takes a sip. “I … don’t know how to. I mean … before, I was writing purposely to explain things to Lucca which was hard, but it seems even more challenging now. After the revelations this week, it would be nothing but dark and it’s too hard. It’s too hard to read back over.”
Lexi shakily holds the cup in both hands then turns to watch the remnants of rain drops making their way down the window. Understanding now why it was difficult for Lucca to read her journal, why his heart felt crushed and he was sickened. He was distraught and the thought of rereading her words makes her feel this very sentiment.
Distraught.
She sits the cup back down and feels Lucca’s warm hand on the small of her back when she reclines against the cushion.
“Let’s say on my blank canvas is shading, but every time I feel new, special emotions or a glimmer of hope, I can sketch over it, adding to it until eventually I’ve erased the page of darkness to eventually build something colourful. The shade is the foundation and needs to be there, but now seems inconsequential because I only notice the colour. It’s more obvious.” Casey scribbles in the air with her hand as if she is sketching her picture.
“You’re saying I need to accept it and move on, aren’t you?” Lexi slumps back, the heat of Lucca’s hand providing her with a reassuring gesture that he has her, that he is here for her.
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I don’t expect you to ever feel the same emotions that you feel today or yesterday, but if you write how you feel now and what you want to feel, then chances are if you believe you can feel these desired emotions, then you will. Trust yourself to believe you can, and you will.”
“It sounds as if you’re suggesting I’m to reprogram my entire thoughts.” Lexi knows from years of therapy and experience that as much as she tries to remain positive and focused, she will always be a worrier: paranoid, nervous, and sceptical.
“Your mind is very powerful, yes, but you’ll be drawn more to what you want as opposed to what you had. Here’s another example: if you had written in your journal two years ago that you were lonely and you wanted to meet a man like Lucca, you’d look back on that page and think, ‘I can’t remember feeling lonely’ and it will make you all the more grateful you don’t feel lonely now. You would accept the old in order to accept the new. Negativity attracts more negativity, which is why you counterbalance; having something positive to focus on means you’re closer to receiving it.”
“That sounds idealistic. I’m not sure I’m at a stage to write about how I feel. Sure, I know how I want to feel, but there are words I simply can’t write.” Lexi edges closer to Lucca so her thigh touches his. The closer the contact with him, the stronger she feels. She can’t get close enough. Their bodies connecting envelopes her in the warm love she has grown to depend on.
“It’s not that you can’t write them; it’s because you won’t. You are still filing and cataloguing your thoughts, compartmentalising. Put it down on paper then underneath, write the opposite—how you want to feel. You’re one step closer to feeling it and trusting you will receive it. In my experience people already have it, they just need to realise it’s already there. For some, that’s the bigger picture. Seeing the words.”
Lucca uses this opportunity to support Casey. “I like the sound of that, Casey. It sounds similar to the law of attraction and very positive.” Lucca’s tone is upbeat and brimming with spirit. He knows his sweet girl is processing everything, but she’s hostile. Maybe if he reinforces the positivity behind Casey’s suggestions, his girl will believe him … It’s a good idea.
Lexi looks at her fiancé and smiles. A warm sincere appreciative smile. He always knows how to say the right things at the right moments.
“Think of it as the ask-get approach.” He winks and Lexi blushes a shade of bright pink. That approach certainly proves beneficial in other areas of their life. Maybe it will work here as well.
“I’m sorry. You think I’m being negative, don’t you?” Lexi’s voice is so soft, sweet, and gentle that it melts Lucca’s heart. He wants to pull his sad girl over onto his lap and wrap her in the tightest embrace he can, next to his heart, and never let her go. He’d let her ask and he’d give her anything she wanted.
“No, baby, I think you are scared. You have been extremely positive given the circumstances, and you are strong. I admire your courage and strength. It may be something to think about though, if it helps you. Casey is right. You should be focusing on the words however way it makes sense to you. If that means writing the counterbalance of your negative with positive words in order for you to move forward, I think you should do it.”
Casey sits back, watches, and listens to the discussions between the two of them and doesn’t interrupt. She has merely planted the seed, and in order to grow together as a couple, Lucca and Lexi need to learn how to nurture these ideas.
Together
.
“If you think it is easier, do you want to say the words to me first before you write them down, and then write your happy words under them, will that help?” Lucca is a very intelligent man, insightful and ever so considerate. This happens to be the opposite advice he gave her while in Tuscany, but he’s prepared to try anything that will help her.
Lexi sighs. She looks weak, lifeless, and utterly spent. All these extra ideas today are mentally draining for her. Lucca will take her back to bed after the session, to talk with her more privately and to hold her, always to hold her in his caring arms.
He knows this is tiring for her, but she needs a fresh perspective to get her through their next chapter. The last thing he wants is for her to be depressed and closed off. It’s not good for her.
More tears trickle down Lexi’s cheeks. Casey passes her a tissue to wipe her eyes but then sits backwards again, opening up the space between them to allow Lucca to work his magic.
Lexi swallows down a lump in her throat. “I … I don’t think I can say it again. I know I told you what you needed to know and you struggled hearing it. I don’t want to upset you anymore, and it might be too raw for me to talk about it just now,” she sobs.
He pulls her in close to his chest and nuzzles against her soft, glossy brown hair. She buries her head into the crook of his neck, and he allows her to cry while he caresses her with gentle, caring strokes of his hands.
Casey is about to excuse herself to give them some privacy when Lexi sits upright and wipes her tear streaked face. Lucca kisses her lips chastely then kisses her temple before wiping a tear with the pad of his thumb. “It is okay, Lexi, you are doing great,” he soothes.
“No, I want to do better. I want to try and be positive. I mean … for us. I’ll try and write the words down and then write something optimistic next to it, if you think it will help, and when the time comes, we can talk about it again. That’s if you want to.” Lexi gradually loses the frigid tension in her body while fully addressing Lucca, turning to gaze up at him and gently squeezing his hand.
“There is my girl.” Lucca beams the most loving, sweet smile, his eyes glistening as he shows her that sexy dimple that she loves. She blushes again and modestly returns the smile. He’s so goddamn proud of her and could not love her more even if he tried.
“So what do I do? Write down Take Life – Give Life? It’s a bit ironic.”
Lucca strokes her delicate, slim arm while Casey adoringly watches the two of them in their tender moments. She sits forward and changes her body language, willing to answer Lexi’s questions.
“If you want to. You write down whatever words make sense to you. How you visualise your happy future, what you want to experience and feel, opposed to what you have undergone. Yes?”
“I’m worried that anytime I read it, no matter when in the future it is, I’ll always feel that dreadful guilt, that horrible shallow feeling. The one that reminds me I’m a mur … I’m a mur-de-rer,” she stutters.
Finally, she says it. She says it out loud and it feels good to get it out.